Broadband Fast

Broadband Fast ©

By

Michael Casey

No it’s not a mistake, it is Broadband Fast, not Fast Broadband. Why? Because we are changing our broadband and tv provider, so it’s a fast, a break, as far as the family is concerned. We may or may not be moving house soon, but one thing led to another, and so we have lost our tv and will lose the broadband in the morning. Getting the company to actually talk to you is another matter, they have send me 2 sorry to hear you are leaving surveys but after 5 emails to them they have not actually talked to me about the matter I want to talk about. I won’t name and shame them, they know who they are!

I gave the family fair warning a week ago about the broadband, but now with a day to go they are in denial, it couldn’t happen to us, it shouldn’t happen to us, why is this happening to us? What will we do without broadband? Try talking to each other I suggested. One daughter is hurrying to do all her homework, the Internet and Broadband was not even invented when I last did my homework. How they’d manage without it I just cannot imagine. We used to have a set of encyclopaedia on the top shelf of the school library, which happened to be right next to my desk in Class One.

I’ve updated my software just in case it’s more than a few days before any transfer takes over. I’ve backed up my stories for the zillionth time too, so Now all I can do is write a couple of new stories to upload once the broadband returns. I have fed my website, mainly for my Polish readers who did love my stuff in the past, so Polish Translations are there for them all. If only they email en masse Polish Media then I could finally get a book and radio deal in Poland. Then maybe I’d be a celebrity at the Polish deli at the corner of my street.

My eldest daughter is chilling then she hopes to hit the books gently during her 2 months of Summer holidays before she starts her A levels and that she hopes will lead her to studying Medicine at Cambridge. That’s the plan anyway. Who knows she may sneak off to the Library at the bottom of the road where her sister’s Godmother works. Maybe not to read any books but to use the wifi there. Kids are addicted to wifi. As for me, I use it to upload my stories and read all the newspapers. And watch BBC news, while the family tv is being used to watch Kardasians or other junk tv.

Conversation may return to our house while the wifi has a rest, though there is something called Reading, this may re-emerged from the undergrowth. In my case reading will stop, as I read off the screen, all the newspapers, that’s another reason I wear shades, it stops screen glare.

People will think of other reasons why they have computers, or then again they will not. Computer and wifi go together, like milk in your tea, or man and woman, though I should say other forms or relationship are available. You can play games on your computer, though I have never done that. Years ago I actually bought an Atari 1040 not for the games features but so I could use it to write stories on.

Yes I am that boring, but nowadays games are fantastic and the UK has a great gaming industry, my friends at work actually wrote a game and sold it for 10K years ago. However afterwards they never did any more, they did advise me to buy the Atari, so blame Dave and Pad for my writing, I don’t know where they live now so you can’t go around to congratulate them or hurl abuse at them.

Broadband speed tests let you know just how fast or slow your wifi connection is, and should it slow to a crawl then if after tests they still can’t fix it then its time to leave one and try another. There are lots of offers out there. So as this has happened to us, and then there is potential to change house, we have deserted our broadband and tv provider. The new provider is promising great things, so I’ll let you know are they any good.

What will I be doing during the wifi fast, well I’ll be writing about the wifi fast, and about just how hard my computer chair is now that I’ve thrown out the big old black chair you see me sitting in in the photos.

Though it may make me write faster as the chair, a wooden one, is hard, and my behind is so sensitive as is the rest of me. Don’t mock or I’ll translate this into your Native language and then it’ll be you who is really suffering.

So its time to eat now, this may be a broadband fast, but that does not stop me from eating, even though I have to go to the Dental Hospital to have some roots out. Stay happy and see if you can live without your wifi.  

Spots and Connecting the Dots

Spots and Connecting the Dots ©

By Michael Casey

Spots appear before your eyes and you squint, different patterns have different effects on us. ZigZags and thin stripes and thick stripes, straight down or across all sorts of patterns and designs.This is fashion, and knowing what suits you makes all the difference.

Knowing what colours suit you best is the greatest knowledge of all, and having a swatch done can really change your life. A bit of orange lipstick can make all the difference too, power make-up that suits your skin tone and personality really does work. I speak as a make-up artist now. You think bright red all over your lips makes you so sexy, in fact it can just make you look stupid, or just cheap.

Style in make-up is everything. Watch the tv and see some of the female reporters, who looks best, the less is more, or throw as much make-up on as possible as if its going out of style. If you are going up Broad St and you are after a night of passion in a city centre hotel after you pick up some bloke then you dress and behave like Geordie Shore.

But if you hope you might just meet somebody nice, then you’ll dress differently, and use more subtle make-up. Think how a man’s brain works, yes it s a contradiction in terms, a man having a brain when they just think from their their trousers. All Men Are Bastards after all, apart form your own dad.

So you may chose a little bit of lipstick, or even a bit of eye-liner, and earrings to highlight your very kissable neck. And depending on your bust a tight top or a loose one, it also depends on the level of your shyness. Ditto with you bum, a tight skirt or jeans or maybe loose clothes. Same goes for legs, to show or not to show, but definitely wax or shave, no man wants a women with more hair on her legs than him.

This is up to you. If you’ve got it flaunt it, whatever your best feature is, use it. Not everybody can be a 10 like me, I was in that film after all, Dudley Moore was incorrigible you know. The rogue.

Perfume should be light and nice, you are not hiding your smelly feet after all. Then you are ready to allow a man to sweep you off your feet, are you up for it?

Having said what I’ve just said, I need to remind you all, its Conversation that makes the difference. After you have caught your man either for a night in a Broad Street hotel, or for life and if its for life he’ll remind you of your dad, smelly feet and all. But you’ll forgive him all his weaknesses and even ex-wives because he makes you laugh.

Looks fade, clothes are discarded, and beds make break either in shared lust, or he just trips over your discarded knickers, so what is left after the passion is gone. Conversation endures and when the lights are out and the passion is spent you still can talk as you curl into each other. Until one of you farts and you laugh together, and if you can laugh when he farts in your bed, then he’s the one. Take it from me, my name is Tootsie, you did see my film didn’t you?   

Me as an English Tutor? or Motivational Speaker? I'm cheap just Book me.

Thanks for thinking of me. Might I suggest a few things?

Go to https://www.amazon.co.uk/Michael-Casey/e/B00571G0YC and get the students to read my 13 books in English

Very easy read, and interesting too.

Go to https://butcherbakerundertaker.blogspot.co.uk   and read my blog another very easy read and interesting too

And finally go to https://michaelgcaseyfrombirminghamengland.wordpress.com/ my other blog

IF they click on the square box with 3 lines through it then it will translate into their native language should English be

their 2nd language. Very simple.

I speak as an Esol English teacher and as a husband to a Shanghai wife whom I taught English to whenwe 1st mt nearly

20 years ago. I also speak as a former Concierge with 3 years Experience.

As for the writing I have 30 years and 1,000,000 words experience. And don't forget to tell them to listen to BBC Radio4

constantly. I did that from age 8 to 28 and then after 20 years of BBC I started to write.

If I can do that then THEY can do that.

I can come and give a speech if somebody comes for me in a taxi and sends me home in a taxi. I've had my quadruple heart attack a couple of years ago, hence the nature of this reply. See Life Lessons  Essay on my blog, and that is about it. My own daughter finished her GCSEs yesterday, she intends to become a Doctor

https://butcherbakerundertaker.blogspot.co.uk/2017/05/life-lessons.html

Life Lessons butcherbakerundertaker.blogspot.co.uk just some of my 1,000,000 words mainly comic,humourous in nature just google michaelgcasey and see silver haired fat Birmingham man

TTFN

Michael Casey

Just some of my one million words | https://www.amazon.com ... michaelgcaseyfrombirminghamengland.wordpress.com Sunday, 28 May 2017 Stating the Obvious I’ll state the obvious. I know from 15 years ago that my “serious” pieces are not “liked” as much as the humour pieces.

The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker butcherbakerundertaker.blogspot.co.uk just some of my 1,000,000 words mainly comic,humorous in nature just google michaelgcasey and see silver haired fat Birmingham man

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A Moment of Silence in a Busy World

A Moment Of Silence in a Busy World ©

By Michael Casey

I was going to write this in 2016, I just put the title down but never wrote the actual piece, I found it last night when I wanted to put something on my site without writing a new piece as I was too tired. I have to pace myself nowadays, I am at my best when I am striding up the road to the shops, just like John Travolta, though obviously looking much much better. But I have my computer and I can still write and sometimes delight you all.

That’s the context,  I also have a German invasion of my site at the moment so thanks to them ist serh Gutt, if they forgive my bad German. Maybe I’ll be a Cult in Germany too. Now to today’s chat, A Moment of Silence in a Busy World. This is exactly what we need in UK at the moment, Silence in a Busy World. Ask Theresa May, I’m sure she will agree.

When you’ve had a busy day at work, or just taken the dogs for a walk, we have a couple who are dog walkers in my street, then shoes off and feet up is really really appreciated. After the arguing is over, in Politics or in the home, a period of silence or reflection is always good. You hide in your bedroom and maybe listen to music, or just curl up into a ball, and let the silence wash over you and absolve your anger/sins/hate.

Later on, maybe in the middle of the night you sneak down stairs to the fridge, there you meet your sister, no words are exchanged. But you hand her a bottle of Stella Artois and you toast your sisterhood. Hoping dad won’t be angry that his student daughters have had the Stella Artois he was saving for the MU match.

Then you put the telly on and watch the Kardasians together. Silently watching the telly, all sins are forgotten and the love levels return to maximum. 

If anybody says a bad word about my sister I’ll knock their block off, I am a judo black belt after all. My last boyfriend left a black mark in my heart, it was he who taught me judo, Putin was his nickname, as he was always Putin everybody on the floor, on the mat.  It was my sister, my best friend sat beside me who put me together again.

So here sat in the silence together, we are one, united, we are sisters. I did return the favour when that bastard Barry broke her heart. I broke his nose and arm in fact. I threw him as hard as I could straight into a letter box, his blood adding to the colour of the letter box. I did call an ambulance, I am not an animal, but he took his punishment like a man, he’d never live it down that a girl had beaten him up. So he said he tripped.

I’m  happy now, content, me and my sister united as one, this Stella Artois is not very nice, we prefer Baileys, we would pour it down the sink, but its a sin to waste food or Stella Artois, so we’ll have to finish it, even if it takes two whole episodes of the Kardasians. Hick

Peace after the storm, make up and chill with a beer and the Kardasians, or just sit together doing nothing, just being together alone and in love. Love has its many many forms, but after the Noise whatever form that Noise takes a Moment of Silence in a Busy World is always the medicine. Failing that watch the MU match on tv with your daughters, and what’s left of your Stella Artois from the fridge.

A Good Stumbler

A Good Stumbler ©

By Michael Casey

Well its 2am on 18/6/2017 and I’m up with pain, tooth ache this time, I chipped a tooth at the upper back of my mouth, makes a change from my arthritis I suppose. I have a mouth full of toothpaste in my mouth as I talk to you all. The theory is that it will protect me from the pain by washing over where the chip is. Ok Its stupid but do YOU have any better ideas at this time of the morning?

I could rub my Movelat on my face but that would be a stupider idea, its for my joints when my arthritis kicks in. What has all this got to do with being a Good Stumbler? Well Mark Harris, who H though had Charisma, was the one who said I was a Good Stumbler. He wasn’t on about me tripping over Barry’s long legs while we had a pint in the Queen’s Tavern either. Just giving them two a name check should they stumble over this.

So what exactly is a Good Stumbler? Well I suppose its me, its my whole life. In Slumdog Millionaire the guy’s life gives him all the answers so he can win the quiz. My own life has been just like that, one thing has led to another even if at the time it was a painful or even very painful interlude. I must go and spit out this toothpaste now. It is a trick to whiten your teeth as well, provided that you can stand the taste for so long. Ok, in USA you bleach your teeth but that is not natural at all.

I just stumbled over the cat she is participating in a blood sport, no not fox hunting, though we did have 3 foxes simultaneously in our garden one night, the are just up the road after all and dustbins are foxes takeaways. No, she, Totoro was chasing and eating flies and moths attracted to our yard light. I did offer to let her in but the blood sport was a bigger attraction than sneaking in at 2.20am, like a dirty stopout of a cat.

As you can see I stumbled over that last paragraph, and we both have benefited from it. So pray for my pain, this Sunday morning. I could mention that our local priest also does a bit of Editing on the side. Though I would never let anybody touch my words, priest or no priest. What is writ is writ as somebody once said to a load of priests.

One take or nothing is my motto, how Jeffery Archer goes through up to 13 rewrites with his Editor I could never know. It was be so soul destroying, and boring, it would kill the story for me. A stranger forcing you to have an English Literature class on your own creative spirit, yuck. Mind you he has a Monet on his wall, which is worth 100 times the value of my house, but no not even for a Monet would I led people touch my words.

So I stumble along writing my stories, stumbling into ideas here and there, such as have all my books at 2.99 USD in a vain effort to get you all to buy them. I stumbled into that idea 2 days ago after I read a piece in the DT about a KDP writer. He’s rich now, I am not, so I thought about lowering my prices to entice you all to buy my 13 books and 4 translations. A Stumble has led to that.

The cat is still out and I’m wondering what other stumbles I can mention, such as the dog Peeing on a house and I looked up and noticed it was for sale. And this is where I’ve been living these past 30 years. Marriage was a stumble too and having 2 daughters when we thought we might not have any children is not a stumble but more of a Blessing.

Though I did used to work the Graveyard shift at SMBC council computer room. So I got home at 3am or so. And one thing led to another, ok IF you are having trouble conceiving then try 3am to 4am and see if it works for you. Or I could just be very fertile, or together we have stumbled on peak fertility time. I can picture it now thousands of Michaels and Michaelas named in my honour, in Ireland it was thousands of John-Pauls instead of Patricks.

Its both strange and humorous how things happen, turning that corner at the right time, or God intervening, the only place he goes is the Old People’s Home to see his dad. He only goes to the fishing tackle shop, he’ll never meet anybody,he’ll be a sad old bachelor. So he goes in and knocks all the poles over, this does not mean Polish people, a pole is what a professional angler calls his rod. As he stoops to pick up all the poles the owner’s daughter appears and its love at first bite. Without any bait, and the scruffy man gets the shop as a dowry. They have found each other, and she uses a white fish net as veil and train.

Well its nearly 3am now and Totoro our cat is still out, she is worse that a teenager,and I have 2 already. I hope if you have stumbled over this piece you decide to come back and read some more stories from me. I have now written 1100 to 1200 stories, or 1250 if you count the ones I reloaded to my blog here. I’m going to try and go back to bed now despite the heat and pain. If I’m tired enough I can sleep through anything.

Wait. I hear a noise I though the cat wanted to come back in. No just something else, not unless it was the moths banging on the windows. Turn that bloody light off, that cat of yours is eating us alive. Stay happy wherever you are, and if you can’t sleep then make love, don’t waste your time reading my stuff.

  

An Idiots Guide to Writing, by an Idiot

An Idiots Guide to Writing, by an Idiot ©

By

Michael Casey

Well its a bit after 3am I had to get up because of the pain, so after I had a hot drink and Totoro our cat following me downstairs, I let her out into the dark of the night. So while I’m waiting for the pain to ebb away, like the tide going out as I am a Canute with wet feet I have decided to write this piece for you.

Immediately I can relate a story about 1^st year in grammar school and how I mispronounced Canute in class with Mr Reading our teacher. Need I say any more. That’s how I write, I get an idea or just a title then I go with the flow. Like a Cunute disappearing under the waves. Ok I’ll stop with the Canute references, but because I chose ebb and tide going out that led to him in the first place and me getting wet feet.

So if you are a draughtsman everything is planned and finally you have the end result. For us Wordsmiths things are a bit different. Now I chose Wordsmith not because I’m pretentious but because I could then mention the fact that my dad was a Blacksmith. I could talk about the Smiths the band or the film Mr and Mrs Smith. Which would then lead to marriage and love and marriage, horse and carriage and the old song from an old film. Or just go down the Brad and Angelina route.

See it really is that simple, well if you are this idiot writing then that’s how I do it. If you remember trivia too then you can slip in alliteration always, no matter if you think its pooh. See a bit of doggerel as well, what more do you want. And on it goes, even if the reader wishes you would stop. At which point my shoulder hurts so much from sleeping in just one position for 2 years since my unplanned quadruple heart bypass, that I nearly have to stop.

But like Canute I command the pain to stop so I can finish what I’ve started.

See or is it Sea? Its like rolling that cheese down that very steep hill, it was on tv recently, hence the reference, anything in peripheral vision gets drafted into the web of words. Spiderman Spiderman you are a writer if you can, see I didn’t say it was pretty just a witty ditty. Which brings me back to 1^st year at grammar, maybe 46 years ago, I made a witty comment and Terry O’Callaghan said it was a S**tty comment, so HE got the pump from Mr Ely our gym and woodwork teacher.

 And that may have been the start of my career as a wit and then writer, though my sister sagely says, people don’t understand my jokes, they think I’m serious. So do I need to telegraph my jokes as Americans do in their tv humour?

All in all words are like water, they flow, I am just a beaver who blocks the way and sends words this way and that a way. The moral of the story is, if a fat silver haired writer in shades from bloody Birmingham can do it, then ANYBODY can be a writer, just like this idiot talking to you. I have to stop now and take a pain killer, I wait till I cannot stand the pain before I take them. With my internal organs the way they are I don’t’ want them poisoned any more. I have kidney scans next week, they could scan me to try and find my personality, but a rectal scanner would just disappear into a black hole. Always finish with a smile, and then go to bed with somebody to cuddle up with, flesh is a great hot water bottle after all.  

Fancy Food

Thursday, 15 June 2017

Fancy Food

my books will be only$2.99  under 3 USD each during Summer Sale

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Michael-Casey/e/B00571G0YC/ref=dp_byline_cont_ebooks_1  

Fancy Food ©

By

Michael Casey

Well I said I’d write about fancy food, so here I am, though I try and make you hear my words not just read them. I’ve been having a rest for a few days, now I’m back with another story. You see my big daughter is doing her first set of exams in her life, the ones you have at age 16, then you can legally leave school. Though in her case she’ll do 2 years of A levels, advance level schooling.

Then she’ll try and get into Cambridge, where one of her uncles went, the other went to Oxford. Yes really, I’m the stupid writer brother in the family. My daughter hopes to study Medicine, so that would be 6 years if she can get into Cambridge. So it’ll be 8 more years at least of study, before becoming a doctor. I told her to tell the interview panel that her Irish grandfather was a blacksmith. My brother says he got into Downing Cambridge because of inverse snobbery. He was a coal miner for a year before he applied for Cambridge. Though having four straight As at A level does help too.

Yes I do love to name drop, me and Andrew from the Daily Mail do have that in common, nothing else other than that. So now that I‘ve done the prologue as Frankie Howerd used to then I’ll begin. My daughter wants to be pampered by food as she studies hard, and she is studying as hard as I can remember my other brother studied 50 years ago to get into Queens Oxford. He used to lock himself into the front room to study with a reel to reel tape recorder with a tape of Cream blaring out of a speaker. I still have that speaker by the way its in a corner of the living room behind me.

So I’ve being experimenting with Coop and fancy food, their food is more expensive but always nice, same goes for Sainsburys. So I’ve changed my shopping habits to please her and to encourage her with her studies. So what makes foods immediately better. Bread. Bread is the answer, French baguettes and a different brand of brown bread is always nice. Though my small daughter does hanker after Warburtons white sliced loaf.

Butter, spreads, margarine they too can alter and lift humble bread up. If you are a rice person, as is my Shanghai wife she’ll know at 100 paces the difference between this rice and that rice and all 50 shades or rice, grey does not have the monopoly on shades after all, now its up to you to consider have I thrown in a metaphor there, or am I just messing with you.

Simple additions of this and that can expand your taste buds. Cheese on toast is just boring cheese on toast, no it is not. It depends on whether or not you toast one side or both. If you have a bit of ham or chorizo or Polish ham lying about, then you can add it to the bread and have the cheese on toast with that as an an addition under the cheese. So the cheese melts into the bread and the topping. Then as you eat it the juices melt and the best fun is licking the juices off from your fingers as you wash it down with an ice cold can of Stella Artois or anything cold you like.

Ok not very fancy food, but its nice, add to the mix the loads of different cheeses there are then you are in heaven.The angels go to the very gates of Hell to melt the cheese on their toast before fluttering home to Heaven to wash it down with wine. There is always wine in Heaven, what was the very 1^st miracle after all?

Eggs are always nice, and even if you cannot cook you can put 2 or 3 eggs in a bowl in the microwave and hey presto you have scrambled egg. Just still every 30 seconds or so, while the microwave is on for 3 minutes you toast some beard or split a baguette. The eggs the top the bread, Polish eggs are great so gloriously yellow inside, or free range eggs if you can afford them.

You can add pickles to the scrambled eggs to give it bite, or any combination of meat. Food is a jigsaw puzzle, so please yourself how you put it together. If it tastes nice to you, then you have put the puzzle together correctly.

Different brands of supermarket fish fingers have different tastes, some are dire and you should feed them to the cat while you eat the cardboard packaging, yes really. Ditto if you eat salmon for the Omega 3, some supermarkets have very nice salmon which is good for you, remember post quadruple heart bypass I read all the labels now and check the traffic lights on packaging. Other brands are so bad you would not even give them to the cat, nor eat the plastic packaging yourself.

Cereals are good for you, Sex and the City for example, but the eating kind are good because they help you pooh on time in your very busy life. Though if you have Ckd then you and your bathroom are very close friends already, no need of cereals. Try different brands and see what you like. The copy ones can taste almost as good as the real thing. Cheerios are very nice, but twice the price of the copy called Hoops. A copy bran cereal is great too, but never as good as the real thing, though it can be 1/2 the price.

I used to work shifts all my life, including 14 years of night shifts, so throwing a package meal into the oven was my way of life when I came home. Sadly I’m told that all the MSG in them may have helped clog my arteries and lead to my unplanned quadruple heart bypass. I never used to eat vegetables either, meat, milk, bread was my stable along with the packaged froze meals which I always oven baked. I never used any oil to cook so I thought I was ok. My Pharmacist said I should write about this so here is a paragraph on it.

Perhaps I should have called this Simple Food instead of Fancy Food, in the end though whatever makes you happy is best. Obviously fruit and vegetables are a good idea. Though I never smoked in my life, just ink and printer dust from my computer rooms. And growing up with alcoholic lodgers means that I am practically a none drinker, 24 pints a years maybe. Fizzy pop has always been more interesting to me.

Yes, do try different things, variety is the spice of life after all. I can remember having French toast for the first time ever when I was in Boston USA in 1980. We are reintroducing our family to it now, as well as the rice with everything that you have in a Birmingham to Shanghai family. If you have 2eggs you can turn all your leftovers in the fridge into an omelet, add a slice of whatever that is in the back of the fridge, basically everything goes in the wok.

The clock is about to strike midnight so I need to go to bed so that I can wake my daughter up for her last 4 exams, Pure Maths and Physics. If she oversleeps I can always give her a bowl of cereal and some fruit to fire her up for the last lap of exams as she dashes up the road to school and exams.

And how will she celebrate when the exams finish? I’ll probably take her to Subway, let somebody else be the chef for a change.