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The John Lewis Dead Parrot Sketch: My Google 9 Fold Nightmare
By Michael Casey
I may have acted stupidly buying from John Lewis. The irony is I have 3.4 million words of comedy written and 21 books on Amazon, with 210,000 free downloads in multiple languages. But right now, it feels like I have been pissed on by a John called Lewis.
Sir Andy Street would cry. What have they done to HIS company? It is more like a place for Strange Ways.
The Battle of the Diseases
Let me paint the picture. I am a fat, silver-haired writer from Birmingham, England, and a SOB—the son of a blacksmith from Kerry, Ireland. I am currently trying to survive a brutal cocktail of multiple illnesses: Tinnitus, arthritis (and the morphine is not strong enough), a quadruple heart bypass, a hurting hernia bursting through the bypass scar, stage 4 kidney failure, and sciatica.
To cope with all that, you need a robust, mad personality. A Benny Hill with a PhD, maybe. It has been 11.5 years since that quadruple heart bypass—which I only learned later was a quadruple, after being told it was a triple prior to the operation. Surviving this long is almost miraculous.
My kids had wanted a pet back then. I joked they could have a dog if I died, and a cat if I had a heart attack. I kept my promise. We have an 11-year-old cat named Totoro. She is bilingual and fitter than a Royal Marine. I bet Totoro could do a better job than the people I have been dealing with this week.
Right now, my tinnitus is howling. It is trying to kill me. It is like being up K2 with Saint Frassati. But I am hurrying to finish this story because people need to know.
The Power Black Hole
In mid-May, I bought the Google 9 Fold phone. It immediately suffered from major power failings. I tried all the online advice, but it remained a black hole of power drain. I read online reviews confirming it was just a bad phone, so I decided to return it. Because of my severe medical problems, I missed the initial one-month return window, but I pushed forward anyway.
That is when the circus began.
John Lewis could not even find my order. I had to spoon-feed them the details. They were just truculent. I was passed around like a parcel because they simply did not want to accept responsibility.
After escalating the issue, they finally found the order. I asked for a full refund. I just wanted to return a defective phone, but the terrible treatment kept going on and on.
The "Abusive" Language Escalation
Previously, I had been told to physically bring the phone into the shop. Then, finally, on Sunday, I was offered a courier to return it. Instead of admitting it was a rubbish phone—go read the online reviews yourself—the agent tried to claim I had been offered a courier return before.
I told him: "I was not. Show me the email."
Finally, another character—a bloke—takes over the conversation. Exhausted by the runaround, I told them they were taking the piss.
Suddenly, all pretend-righteous, this bloke accuses me of using "abusive language." Meanwhile, they are actively abusing a vulnerable customer who is dealing with terminal health issues! Time is something I do not have to waste.
The Technologically Challenged Tech Team
So, I wiped the phone completely for privacy and sent it back via the courier. I told them this explicitly in an email.
Then the bloke messages me back. He wants to know what the PIN number is because they cannot open the device.
A tech team cannot open a wiped phone?
John Lewis boasts about a Two-Year Guarantee, but their own tech team has zero value. They are completely challenged and unfit for purpose. This morning, the bloke claimed he wanted to "save me time."
Because their tech team is challenged, John Lewis is now threatening to return the device to me as an expensive paperweight with no refund.
Whatever Happened to the Spirit of the Law?
Back in 2015, we bought a brand-new carpet from John Lewis. It turned out to be rubbish. I had just come out of the hospital after my heart bypass. Back then, John Lewis actually cared—they replaced it with an Axminster without a fuss.
Today? John Lewis has proved themselves to be ignorant, arrogant, and worthless.
I demand a full refund from them under UK Consumer Rights law, not the incorrect, defensive information I am being fed by their staff. They are following the strict letter of the law to avoid a payout, completely ignoring the spirit of it. Was there no PR lady in attendance to inject some common sense? They just could not be bothered.
I emailed Terry, the CEO. The other bloke replied and said everything comes down to him. He is the Dream Catcher, apparently. So if it is all down to him, why all the broken dreams?
Training is the bedrock of any company. You need quality, knowledgeable tech teams, and a "no-quibble, we love all our customers" attitude—especially when dealing with those suffering from multiple diseases.
Have I received any of that? No. Just the offer of a Dead Parrot.
John Cleese’s family name was originally Cheese. But in this case, John Lewis takes the biscuit.
It is exactly like the Dead Parrot sketch from Monty Python. But I am definitely not laughing.
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If you want, I can write a formal, legally grounded complaints letter to John Lewis Executive Office demanding your refund under the Consumer Rights Act 2015, which bypasses the retail tech team entirely. Let me know if you would like me to draft that for you.
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