A Table and a Chair

A Table and a Chair ©

By Michael Casey

Well today is a special day, 29^th Feb 1988 was the day I finished my first ever book, The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker. I have posted the final chapters In Search of an Indian Princess online on my sites and for some reason Poland loves it. I hope they nag the Polish Media and I can get a media deal of my own. We just need to find a translation other than Google Translate. I do have over 1,000,000 words after all, in 12 books on Amazon.

Now I was going to talk about Chat Show, but I thought that was too easy a topic, so I’ve ended up picking this, a Table and a Chair. When I wrote my book, using a typewriter I balanced it on an old tall stool with a red seat. My dad had bought it at an auction in Digbeth Civic Hall in 1973, and so 16 years later I used it as a table for the typewriter. I also got a cassette recorder back in 1973, I can remember listening to a tape of Status Quo while I revised for my exams. My daughter is having a stack of mocks as we speak, but she’ll have to get used to them if she wants to become a Dr, or pathologist, 10 more years of exams at least.

As I wrote my book shivering in front of the gas fire I sat on an old barn chair which had the back sawn off as it had already broken. I brought this chair with me when I moved house, my mother always nagged me to return it as it was perfect to stand on while she washed the outside windows. So that was my table and chair as I became a writer, by the time I had finished writing the book I was a writer, I had learnt as much as I would ever learn about the craft, the rest is just practice.

I suppose 29 years on it’s time I unmasked the muse, the man who suggested I wrote a book. His name is Pad Webb or Patrick Web, then he was16 when he started in the computer room, now he is 46 maybe and a computer engineer, although he could be anything now, ashamed and in denial about ever knowing me, he may even grow a beard to disguise himself. Hang on he did grow a beard, so perhaps he is bald and fat now, I’ll probably never know, but it is all his fault, so if you meet him in a pub, buy him 2 pints of Stella Artois and a packet of cheese and onion crisps as a “punishment”.

That’s one table and chair that was very important in my life, an old stool and an old barn chair. The stool is behind my bed with my dab radio on, the barn chair is languishing in the rubbish room as we call it. Though miraculously today I did spot a great house, one which I’d buy immediately, though it will no doubt be snapped up by somebody else. But if God is good as my mum used to say then I’d move into that house with my old stool and the old barn chair, and I’d wash the outside windows while standing on that chair.

Mums are very powerful and the kitchen table and the corner chair beside it were a confessional and a place of hope. That table was mahogany and very heavy, it’s been in the family house over 60 years now. Mum used to recite German verbs for my sister to help her learn for a test. Mum didn’t know what they meant but she was a great reciter. Ich Bic Dir Du Bic Dir, is all I seem to remember so forgive me any German speakers out there, Carl Lagerfeld will no doubt roll his eyes and drop a stitch, as he makes a pair of oven gloves for Meryl Streep, with “you are so hot” stitched into them in silver. I’m glad they have kissed and made up, life is more important than the wrong envelopes and such things. When they both kneel down for their pillow fight tonight maybe they’ll pray we finally get our dream house. Then they can beat the hell out of each other but with pillows full of love, and feathers.

That kitchen table of ours was where dad counted all the money from the lodgers’ gas and electric meters, and yes the money smelt of gas. When it was all counted I’d take the money down the road in dad’s dinky little black leather bag, the one he had his dinner for work in. Then I’d ask my Mohan at the bottom of the road did he need any change. He’d throw the money into the safe at his feet, then he’d get out his wad with 100s in and peel off 40 or 50 quid or whatever it was and hand it to me. He never counted or weighed it, we were his neighbours after all. In fact I can reveal part of his character was in my novel, one story even was based on a true event at his corner shop maybe 40 years ago now. Let’s just say Indians are very good at hockey, and if you are a shoplifter you better be a fast sprinter or you will find out just how good they are at hockey.

You know when you are rich when you have fancy tables and chairs, or you even have a dining room. Me I never had a fancy table, we still use a coffee table for our family meals. If you have an Oriental wife, or Shanghai to be exact, then you have little tables with lots of dishes on. The coffee table has  been replaced a couple of times but the Oriental theme continues, so my wife feels at home, and I don’t have to fill my home with over-sized furniture.

Simple things do make a difference, so when/if we finally move house I won’t throw away my 40 year old stool and 40 year old barn chair, I have to bring them with us, because they have meaning and love attached to them. And Carl Lagerfeld hurry up with those over gloves for Meryl Streep, she’s going to cook a really good Sunday roast and you are invited, and yes she knows you won’t want a morsel because of your diet. But we both know whatever she was wearing at the Oscars wasn’t very good, but don’t tell her I told you, it can be our secret, and I nearly forgot please return my old barn chair and the stool when you have finished playing musical chairs with Meryl Streep.

The Perils of House Hunting

The Perils of House Hunting ©

By Michael Casey

Well we saw a couple more houses today, though I actually missed it as I was seeing the GP, my kidneys are falling apart now, I sound like a right wreck, but I still look like George Clooney, I bet you are all so jealous. I can also see the irony that my daughter wants to be a doctor, and I may need my own private doctor such is the state of my body, but God is Good as my mum used to say….

Now house hunting does improve your geography as you say where is that all the time, thankfully www.rightmove.co.uk has maps so you can look and see where a place is. Oh it’s in Harborne or in Winson Green with a great view of the prison, such a historic place, or near the city centre and all such places left right and centre LIE the estate agents. So you look on the map and see where it really is. Or its in Edgbaston they say when really it’s in pretend Edgbaston or pretend Harborne, less Rolls Royces and more white van man territory.

If you can decide on a map which area you really want to live in then it’s easier, in our case it must be walkable to the girls’ school. My sister chimes in that she had to walk for 30 mins there and 30 mins back for 7 years to her convent school, our two would never walk so far. For me it must be within 10 mins walk to a shop just so I can get milk and bread, rice and toilet paper comes in bulk so we never run out of that. It must not be up too steep a hill either, my walking anywhere as if I were a Sherpa are sadly over. But at least we now know geographically where we want to live.

The only problem is that the houses disappear like mist or spray off a shaking dog’s back. The last 4 went in a week, though I hope that this means our own house goes just as fast, and maybe just maybe I’ll get more for it when I flog it. Note for American readers flog means sell, it has no sexual connotations, though that does give me some ideas…

You look online and the specs look good and the pictures look even better, so you go and look and the room size is always wrong. The 3^rd bedroom is always the right size for a pigmy, or a child of 7, then the estate agent neglects on purpose to mention the central heating boiler which takes up half the space on one wall. I know from bitter experience all about central heating boilers. Mine was condemned and had a do not use sticker stuck to it, this was when I decided that I’d have it serviced, this was a couple of years after I’d been using it decades ago. British Gas were more than happy to overcharge me and install a new one, this was equivalent to 2 months salary.

Never accept a house with a boiler in a bed room, you may just die of carbon monoxide poisoning, or it could be safe but would you let any child of yours sleep in such a space? And yes have a gas safe certificate done before you move in, don’t be naïve as I was decades ago.

Yes this house has a tree in the garden, it’s so lovely to hear birdsong in the mornings. Yes that is true, but not if you can barely open the kitchen window because the tree’s branches are pushing against a window. And Robins are sweet at Christmas but not with their beaks against your kitchen window. Once I actually saw a house like that, the house cost 5K that’s how long ago it was.

Stairs are nice, they help you get to the bathroom, and I know all about needing bathrooms grace a mes kidneys, but if they are so steep you need a rope and oxygen to climb them, then that house should be crossed off the list, you will grow old and never reach the bathroom but pee on the bottom step of the stair. Ditto with zigzag stairs that are so narrow, stairs should be manageable when you are drunk or chasing your girlfriend to bed. You don’t want to fall over and bang your head and spend the night unconscientious on the stairs instead in bed with your girl. That would be a memorable night but for all the wrong reasons.

A garden is nice, but not one which is more like the Battle of the Somme, or the reverse where the garden is like a NCP car park, low maintenance garden, they mean Paddy and Mick poured concrete all over it, or their cousin Shamus tipped the left-overs from where they were working into your back garden.

Always look at the roof too, the stars at night are such a pretty sight, but you should go outside to view them, not look up from your living room window. Talking of night, at night you switch the lights on. And if the plugs and switches look like something from Dad’s Army the wartime comedy then maybe but maybe you may want to reconsider buying that property, or adding it to the costs the house will incur.

I cannot explain what a house means to me or to you, it’s just a 15min decision that you end up paying 25years for.  Children cost more money and you never stop paying for them, though kids are always more fun than houses. I’ll let you into a secret how did I choose the house we all live in now. The dog lifted his leg and peed and only then did I notice the for sale sign. So I bought the house.  

  Yes really, my sister in law who’s a lawyer did suggest that I borrow her dog and maybe he could pee on the right house for us. As you all rush out to take the dog for a walk I’ll go and cock my own leg and go to the bathroom, 2 toilets are a good idea when house hunting too. Just be careful where you dog pees, I hope its love at first sight, the house he pees on that is.

Silent Times

Silent Times ©

By Michael Casey

Looking at the calendar on the wall I see it was Sunday 19^th when I last wrote anything, so you have all had 4 days rest from me. That’s if you are not Polish, what, Polish I said, I was in the Polish shop buying Coca Cola for my small daughter and I thought why not upload a Polish translation of Still Alive 2015.

After I did for some strange reason I had an avalanche of viewers, 3000+ in under 3 days, and still growing by the hour. So am I big in Poland, or are they all being misdirected, assuming I am a porn site, or do I look so stupid in the clothed photos of myself that they are all looking at me and laughing. Whatever the reason if you are Polish and reading this, in English, then please contact your Media and maybe just maybe I get my break, in Poland.

I’ve been quite quiet because I’ve been painting and then resting and gasping for breath after the paint fumes. Quit, quiet and quite are easy words to mix up whether or weather you are English or Polish for that matter. That’s why speaking is always so much easier that writing. And that’s why you love to hide at the back of the class in English lessons, I know all the tricks in one of my past lives I was an ESOL English teacher, and I’m not including teaching my own Shanghai wife.

I hope you all enjoyed your rest from me, I’ve been busy cleaning the paint off my fingers and the side of my head. I did plan to bribe my daughters and get them to do more painting but I ended up doing it myself, and they still got all the chocolate. When the painting was done we had a day of Silence, no it wasn’t planned as if we became Trappists or isn’t that the new planet Nasa just found, it just happened. If you don’t have your music on you see things differently.

Music is nice company, and can actually act as a focus while you are busy at work, but the lack of it when you actually have Silence, pure silence works its wonder on you too. Right now our new neighbour is having brightly coloured flagstones fitted to the outside of his new home. He already had a bright new front door fitted. He is admiring it as I speak, so I could say his doorstep is breaking all the silence because it is so loud in its colour, it is a statement about his home and his personality. Spending over 500pounds to show off your personality, I’d rather go on a dirty weekend with a girlfriend, or fill the fridge with really really nice food and drink, but he is far far richer that I’ll ever be.

I won’t make him cry by telling him that in under 18 months his bright colours will fade to dirty black. A neighbour of ours once had a new front wall and it was so nice and pretty that the other neighbours copied it, in the end the builder built 6 walls exactly the same. He then no doubt went to Spain for a month.

However in a couple of years’ time all 6 of these walls faded and looked cheap. So think about keeping your old traditional walls, and have a new window instead, be practical. In Birmingham the council builds new walls for people when really they should give a new window instead, but walls are politically prettier.

Silence is used in prayer, though one priest or Rabi on the radio once honestly admitted his thoughts would stray to had he done all his laundry or had he told his housekeeper to get his favourite brand of cereals from Aldi or wherever. Are you allowed to jump up from your prayer and run down the drive after the housekeeper to remind her to get you some new razor blades and some magnum ice creams the Aldi version.

You may wonder am I ever silent, in fact I am silent all the time, home alone while my wife works and the girls are at school, so Silence is my middle name, and if you read any of my stuff you know what I’ll say next. I must put Simon and Garfunkel on, the Sound of Silence. No, I’m not that shallow, first a bathroom break then a drink, strange the order of things, and then I’ll put Simon and Garfunkel on.

I’ve resisted the temptation of putting Simon and Garfunkel on, outside a police car races by with his siren blaring, the police breaking the silence, and no its not Sting making any noise either. Temptation is another thing, at this point in my life I give in to all temptation, as I may be dead and buried and not able to enjoy any. What kind of temptation, that I cannot say, as I’ve taken a vow of silence on all such matters.

As you grow old you and your wife or girlfriend make less noise, you are happy to hold hands and watch the property makeover programmes on tv. In the past you used to makeover in each and all of the rooms of your home, but as the decades pass you settle down to a routine, and you end up holding hands.

Such is love and then you don’t break any silence you are just so happy together. You love each other and just being silent together is enough. That is until a grandchild accidentally leaves a copy of 5 Shades of Michael Casey behind. Then you make lots of noise and laugher and are found naked and dead in position 17 from the Sex of Laughter, which is another book I haven’t yet written. All the Silence is broken in the Rest Home, and all the relatives are ashamed, but the residents all want copies of these books.

I’ll finish there for today, as you all know by now I like to throw in a paragraph or two just to see are you listening, and if I’m doing my job right, then my words ALWAYS BREAK THE SOUND OF SILENCE, even if is a rasping fart, that leaves a very big stink, but I do hope you are all laughing.

POLISH LINK to read all of Still Alive 2015

Thank you Poland now click link to read more of my book on my other site

You can only add so many pages to each post so if you want more of Still Alive 2015 then just click this link. in Polish all of it,  ITS MY COPYRIGHT

1st photo was 2years ago post operation.

All I can do is write stories, so tell all of Poland to BUY the other books or tell Polish Media then there are 10 more books and 1,000,000 plus words

https://www.michaelgcaseyfrombirminghamengland.wordpress.com/

 

The Love of Bread

_{The Love of Bread ©}

_{By Michael Casey}

_{I was wondering what to write about 5 minutes ago as I headed for the kitchen to make some green tea and as I looked around the kitchen my gaze fell on the loaf of bread. So now that I’m sat here sipping my green tea I’ll write about bread, yes that’s how organised I am, I am a Juke Box Writer, by turns this or that, you just have to make your choice or give me a lingering kiss, though that may put me off my theme, and then I write something. That’s why the style and context can be so different, it’s not my “fault” the title decides what you get, it’s whatever you pick from the menu, that is what you get. Though it’s me who is the actual picker.}

_{But I’ll thank you anyway as Bread, the band Bread has come storming into my consciousness, so a very big thank you to Spotify too. I had their album maybe 40 years ago, yes I am that old, though today I look like a convict as my local Pakistani barber cut my hair yesterday, my flowing silver locks have gone and I now look like a criminal. But I’ll be Snow White without the dwarfs in a couple of weeks, my hair grows as fast as Japanese knotweed.}

_{Bread the food bread has a long tradition, if you like your mummy, as in The Mummy, the great film then you may also know if you follow your National Geographic, and I get that magazine delivered as it is so good, you will know they discovered all the ovens used to make the bread to feed all the thousands of workers. If you have such massive construction going on, they had to feed the people too, whether they were slaves or stupid disciples. So I wonder in the future when archaeologists dig at Trump tower will there be a bakery in the very deep basement, or just a casino, we’ll find out in 200 years’ time.}

_{As I talk to you Bread are singing all their hits, thank you Spotify, that’s why we break bread together, because we are happy and at peace with one another. If you are sharing bread then you are acting like a family. And  in the Bible we have Christ breaking the bread, the ultimate expression of sharing and love, which is repeated at Mass or other church services the world over. You don’t eat with your enemies after all.}

_{Now bread is a big deal in many families. I can remember as a child when mum would buy a loaf and we’d all devour the crust but leave the inside alone, discarded. It would look like a piece of clay ready to be moulded, though it could just be left to rot, mouldy old dough literally. In the end mum and dad ate it or it was left to be used to dunk in soup. And yes Heinz Tomato soup is the best, John Kerry didn’t make me say that, though I confess it was me who pushed him of his bike and that’s how he broke his leg, he was trying to steal my baguettes to dunk in his soup. He gets it be the gallon load, a perk from his marriage, that’s why his secret service team all had such juicy orange lips, it was all the tomato soup they ate.}  

_{You have to have different bread for different occasions, for breakfast you have to have croissants, and the little jam and butter with oodles of coffee. My daughters say in Japan of all places you get great bread for breakfast, I know in France and Malta that is true but Japan is new to me, so any Japanese readers get in touch an let me know if this is true or are my girls teasing me.  Foreign bread in hotels really is a treat as is the chance to gorge on as much breakfast as you can fit in, if you are on a tight budget and you have to make every penny count.}

_{But back home baguettes were such a novelty when we first discovered them in the 1960s, maybe when the family went on  Pilgrimage to Lourdes in 1966, we did not like the French food so dad bought bananas and baguettes in the street and we had banana sandwiches for a week. Back  in Birmingham you leave a trail of crumbs everywhere as you share the bread, or steal as much of it as you can.} 

_{As time goes on the bread you eat changes, bread used to be delivered up the entry to the back door, that is one of my earliest memories, then sliced bread from the shop takes over. Then people start eating wholegrain or Hovis as tv instructs us that it’s better for us. Flavour and tastes are so different depending on which bread you chose or are forced to eat. Kids eat what mum buys and there is no discussion, certainly in my generation.}

_{Subway is invented, I can remember when it wasn’t around, and now you have such variety in bread. If you cannot afford Subway and David Gates is singing IF as I speak, then you can cheat, you go to Aldi and pick your favourite bread, brown wholemeal bloomer is ours at the moment, but you may prefer Warburton’s white sliced, that’s great too. Then you walk to the back of Aldi and pick out ham beef salami, not forgetting cherry tomatoes add a sauce or two. Then you add a 2 litre bottle of fizzy pop for 45p.} 

_{Then you go home and make your own Subway, you have enough stuff to feed 4 or more people at half the price. Having written all this down I think I’ll be doing this in the week as it is half term after all, and my big daughter got a new coat, which means she’ll get a DIY Subway and not the real thing.}

_{A meal is not a meal without bread, and it does fill the stomach after all, so always make sure your kids eat bread too, and brown bread does help them pooh. So as the music fades from Bread I think enough’s said, I need to eat now, maybe a bit of toast, and as Heidi said if you toast old bread you can still eat it, otherwise feed it to the birds, and then you can eat them, chicken soup with bread, the cycle is complete.}

Graveyard Humour

Graveyard Humour ©

By Michael Casey

I was musing about what to write about when I thought how about Graveyard Humour, there is so much bad news about in the news that, we could do with some cheering up. About time I cheered you all up. The first thing you’ll all agree with is that it’s about time I stopped using ABOUT. Though I could have chosen other words to over use such as Honesty and Politicians, but I may be accused of being a Main Stream Media person.

I have watched News seriously for 50 years now, so it is a very big part of my life, yes I admit it I am 58 now, though I could have stopped at 56 if the unplanned quadruple heart bypass hadn’t caught me before a big and only one. Yes I do look 28 and women swoon in the street and give me their phone numbers, if I were Sir Tom Jones they’d throw their knickers at me, though the phone number is always the same, I rung it out of curiosity to discover it was a Plastic Surgeon, perhaps they were trying to tell me something. And if you don’t believe me then you are a bunch of Mainstream Media people, I am a Fiction Writer so I never lie, I only lie when I lie down on my bed.

I hear that all people with British accents are going to rounded up, rather like the rat catcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, or was he called the school inspector, I don’t know, it doesn’t matter if I’m wrong, somebody with a clipboard told me so. Anyway British accents are banned, you will be taken to a facility for re-education, there you will have to watch all the Kojak tv shows back to back until you have a perfect USA accent. Repeat offenders will have to watch all the Cagney and Lacy shows back to back, and as for the very bad cases or is it Caseys, so I am especially afraid you will have to listen to all the David Soul songs until you can lip sync them.

Why is this happening why is USA treating us this way, is it because Daniel Craig refused to wear a Taylor Swift Tshirt, or is it All about Eve. Please help us the under the covers British speakers, Did Jay Z and Beyonce use a British accent or was it an accident under the covers that doubled the pleasure, speak like a Brit and double your… Did the same happen for George Clooney and his girl, speak like a Brit under your covers and you get twins. 

So is this all about Birth Control, the government doesn’t want all these twins, it would use up too many resources, Terminator and Devito were allowed I’ve seen there film Twins, but if everybody walks like an Egyptian and talks like a Brit then Manhattan would be  full of diapers or nappies as proper English speaking say.

Please hide me away from the British accent Police, I don’t want to be forced to speak like a Yank, if I promise to whisper, I love USA and all of you over there, I have cousins in Boston too, and newly discovered relatives in Chicago. But to be hunted down and jailed because of my accent, please please release me for I don’t love to be in jail at all. I only came to try my luck in New York, because Madonna did and I thought If I dressed like Madonna I’d get my Radio break, but look at me now, look at me now.

 I’m being forced to sing I’m a Yankee Doodle Dandy just like Jimmy Cagney, I don’t mind being a Dandy I’ve always liked clothes, and I can Doodle too, I’m not ashamed I can Doodle with the best of them.  But being forced to speak like a Yankee, I love you as a people but if the Accent Police backed up by the National Guard is forcing me, MOI to speak in another way it’s too much to bear. 100,000 National Guard mobilised to make me speak English like you do. I can only speak the Queen’s English, and I don’t mind speaking like a Queen, Dame Helen Mirren did, so I could give it a try.

Oh where was I, was I sleeping, was it all a dream or has the Nightmare just begun. If you read Gulliver’s Travels in it they nearly have a War over which end of the egg should an egg be opened. The Price of freedom is a free press, and Mark Zuckerberg you should have a feed to real Press, pick 10 and have their feeds. I’m also available, and guess what I have in common with you Mark? Me a pauper and you a billionaire. We both have Chinese wives, and we would never tell them how to speak.