New Neighbours

New Neighbours ©

By Michael Casey

Well the house we looked at was no good, very good on paper but the reality was another matter entirely. So we are stuck where we are, so we won’t be moving and we won’t be anybody’s new neighbours. Then I just looked out the window and its seems we are having new neighbours ourselves. So that gave me an idea…

I don’t like the look of them, see the way he scratched his bum, and in the street too, he’ll spit chewing gum out in the street too. See they are disgusting.  If he did that in Singapore he’d get 30 lashes of the cane, and then he’d really need to scratch his bum, that’s if any of it was left. I hate people who spit out chewing gum in the street. You get it stuck to your shoes and then it sticks all over your new carpet. See we have slobs coming into our nice lovely street.

What about her, his wife walking next to him. Looks more like street walking to me, she looks like a Lady of the Night to me, you can always tell, they are all slightly bow legged, if you know what I mean. Her hair is dyed too, and look, just look she has an ankle bracelet on too. If you see a woman with one of those it always means she a self-employed business woman. They may as well have a tee shirt with SLAG written on it.

Are they bringing in their stuff? Move the net curtains up a bit more so we can see if they have any nice stuff. No its all rubbish Alba brand stuff in the off silver colour, why don’t don’t they buy Alba Plus brand, now that is quality stuff, still the same off silver colour, but the quality is so much better. What brand is our stuff, let me see, we have Alba brand everything, all still working 20 years later.

Even we the cat peed all over it, I suppose Alba stuff must be good after all. Why do I listen to you in the first place, why did I marry you as well. To take me off the streets when my fat ankles broke the ankle bracelets. You are such a cheeky bleeder. If I knew where our electric Alba carving knife was I’d cut off your balls, if I could find them.

Look they are bringing in their bed now, I’ve never seen one as big as that, you don’t think she is going to work from home. We’ll have hot and cold running prostitutes up and down the street. The shame of it all, we used to be have such a nice street. Mr Moan used to live in that house, he was generous giving us loads of electrical items, he said he always won so many raffles, just like your brother. Didn’t they both end up in Winson Green jail, for shoplifting. 

Then they decided to come out when they came out, they went to live in Warwick together and they opened a nice tea shop, with teas from around the world. They didn’t steal them either, receiving stolen tea was a much safer existence, and the evidence was drunk daily. They did read tea leaves as a side-line.

Look they  are bringing loads of books now, books about about you know, about Cairo, you know the Cairo is sucha, look they’ve dropped one. Get the binoculars, read the title. What back ache for beginners, that must be very seedy. What are the other titles? Stretching  the right way, now that sounds kinky to me. Quick read the other titles before they pick the books up. What you must be blind, she’s a back doctor, a cairo practicerer. Well that’ll be nice having somebody respectable in the street, but she does look like a hooker. Yes, she still looks like an old prossee.

What time is it, 17:10 pm , can you speak bleeding English or I’ll hit you with my stick. Ten past Five in the evening. I know its evening its dark you fool. Well are you ready, they’ll be here 20 mins. The Bailiffs say we have to go or its jail. They are right bastards throwing us out after all these years. I haven’t finished all the newspapers. I have 20,000 copies of the Daily Telegraph, I’ve only read half of them.

Then there is my collection of bird cages, I have 48 of them. That’s why I had the newspapers originally, to collect all the pooh. But when the birds escaped and took over the upstairs, I just saved the newspapers, just in case just in case. You get used to the smell of bird pooh after a year. It’s those bastard middle class neighbours.

They’ll miss us these nosey neighbours, their house prices will go down, without us the neighbourhood will suffer. Come on the bailiffs are banging on the door. Watch careful, oh my you slipped on Tim Stanley’s comment piece on on, I cannot read it, its covered in bird pooh. 

But you are right The Daily Telegraph gives the best coverage, well for bird pooh anyway. Should we ask that nice back prostitute dr thingy to have a look at your back before we get a lift to Warwick. We’ll be professional tea servers, what a nice future we have.