Family Things or Life in Our House

Family Things or Life in Our House©

By Michael Casey

Totoro don’t do that, you are such a naughty cat, ok I’ll let you out again, but don’t go looking though our neighbour’s window, you are making her think you are her stalker. She always closes her curtains when you stare at her from your perch on the fence.

Small daughter is that a good place to leave your shoes, I nearly fell over them, are you trying to kill me? I’m half dead already, see my silver hair I’m only 22 you know. You are such a liar dad, how can you be 22 when I’m 13, that would mean you had me when you were 9, that’s disgusting. Ok I was just saying how old I look, not my real age. They’d have to carbon 14 date you to find your real age, but you do look younger because you are fat, and have no wrinkles, because you are fat, but you do have hair like an old grannie, like grandma Casey in the photo.

Children are so honest and so exact, does anybody want to adopt mine? Big daughter can you remove that phone from your ear I have something important to tell you. What daddy are you increasing my pocket money? No, I just want to remind you that tonight you have to put the bins outs, and I’d do it myself but my Arthur, my arthritis is playing up. Ok, dad, let me finish talking to Imman, she has this great new nail varnish she is telling me about. Shouldn’t you both be studying ?  

Sure dad I know an A- is a fail, as far as you and mum are concerned.

Small child where did you hide the remote control I want to watch Fox News, it’s the best Show in town. Press the Q on the SkyQ dad. Why? Because it will bleep and show you where the remote control is. That’s clever who thought of that? Sky did dad, Sky did dad. Why do you want to watch what’s happening in USA dad? Is it to see all the girl’s legs?

Their skirts are so high, if we wore a skirt like that to school we’d be sent home from school. Or is it the Fox News tv uniform for the women, a brightly colouring skirt as high as their, as their aspirations. Funny child, who am I watching, Shep Smith, I’ve never seen him in a skirt, not unless he wears one in private. 

I’m only teasing you, besides that Nic  Cavuto would never fit in a skirt, do they have Children in Need in USA, they could copy the BBC people and dress up and do a song and dance. Cavuto and Shep Smith could dress up as ballet dancers for a Telethon as they call them over there in La La Land. Didn’t you dress up as a woman once dad? Haven’t you got homework to do, yes dad an A- is fail we know, and we are only ½ Chinese.

Hello mum did you have a good time in the Office. Did you bring us any buns home, you only brought your own buns home. We are being neglected no buns, no snacks no treats. Ok we’ll send dad out into the cold to the corner shop, Neil drives a Rolls Royce because dad spends his life in his shop buying us snacks. The pharmacy man drives a Rolls Royce too because that’s where dad gets all his medicine from.

What time is it? Ok can you all shut up, Totoro and me are going to watch Elementary on Sky, it’s the only way you’ll shut up if I say it’ll hurt Totoro’s feeling if she cannot hear Dr Watson’s Chinese accent. Ok that was good can you all use the bathroom and get out of my way by the time I’ve watched the Press Preview on Sky.

So I watch the Punch and Judy show that is the Press Preview, Andrew from the DM and Kevin from the Mirror really are such fun. Then I head for our bathroom but it is always blocked and jammed, so I have to go outside and pick my spot alongside Totoro and all the neighbouring cats. In the dark the neighbour star gazer gets to set the plough and beneath the plough, 3 cats and a dog having a leak joined by a man expelled from a bathroom. Star Gazing is such a wonderful hobby.