Banana Skin

Banana Skin ©

By

Michael Casey

Sandra Saunders was a great legal secretary, in fact she was called the Wind at the firm where she worked, because she typed so fast and she also had a flatulence problem, but only if she ate prawn sandwiches on rye. Sandra was the pride and joy of the senior partner, though he was always wise enough to ask did she have a good dinner. If she had had a prawn sandwich he always said that he felt rather warm and would she mind if he had the window open.

Sandra knew that he was saving her blushes so she loved him the more. There were many young pretenders who came and went over the years, but none could get within 30wpm behind her astronomically fast typing speed. The senior partner rewarded his treasure with cases of champagne left behind her fuchsia in her front garden, timed to arrive 5 mins before she got home.   

So the years rolled on and Sandra grew fat, and a bit windier, but the senior partner just opened the window more frequently. Sandra was 57 when tragedy struck, she slipped on a banana skin while she was collecting her prawn sandwich. She twisted her ankle and broke it, but that was not the worse of it all, ahead of her Peter the new wiz kid boy at the firm had ran to beat the traffic lights outside the firm while he was busy eating his daily banana. He got hit by a bus, the banana skin he had in his hand flew in the air and Sandra had slipped on it. In a way Peter had saved her life as she would have stepped into the road behind him otherwise. So a banana skin had saved her.

The senior partner knew something was wrong when Sandra was 90 seconds late, alarm bells rung in his head, he could see the commotion outside. So the senior partner ran outside. Death and disaster lay on the pavement. The senior partner could see that Peter was moments from death now so he held his hands and said the prayers from Jainism. Then taking off his jacket he folded it like a pillow and put it under Peter’s head. First aiders and police and ambulance arrived but all knew they were too late. Turning to Sandra the senior partner bent down and gently carried her home to their firm. It was only when he had put her down in the comfort of the first aid room that they both realised how bad she was. Otherwise it could have been a scene from an Officer and a Gentleman, the senior partner being Richard Gere.

As they waited for the ambulance to take her away they talked, Peter had in fact saved her life. The senior partner was such a gentle gentleman, and indeed he was. Not unless you met him in Court, then the opposition always had the flatulence problem. Sandra said she thought she’d retire early, seeing somebody die was such a shock for her, besides her Pension Pot was huge. The Senior Partner understood, so Sandra took 12 weeks off sick on full pay, as that’s how long a twist/break takes to heal. Of course flowers and champagne arrived once a week as well as an Ocado delivery of prawn sandwiches.

Sandra did come in to work but if she had to pass the scene of the tragedy every day it would have been too much. So she put all her things in a banker’s box and left. The senior partner did try another legal secretary but after, was it 20 years he missed his hot wind, his faster than the wind legal secretary. Then he had a brainwave. He could dictate and she could type and email it back to his personal office printer. She would still be at least 20wpm faster than even the best replacement. When the senior partner put it to her she was happy to oblige, she had to keep those fingers nimble after all. The firm installed a new private superfast wifi and Apple Mac PC to handle everything, and threw in a media bundle. Law firms look after their staff, but you will work 60 hours a week and have luggage full of papers after all. And no I am not joking, as this humble writer did once work for a major very hard working law firm.

So Sandra enjoyed her retirement with benefits, and in fact became quiet a film buff,for when she was not working exclusively for the senior partner down the line, she watched films. She started sending in film reviews to Mark Kermode and because she was persistent and the quality of her thought was like a legal brief she and Mark became good friends. They ended up discussing this and that and sometimes the other in all the latest films. He even took her under his wing and gave her tuition in film appreciation. Sandra was so good in fact that Mark K, as his friends called him, even dropped by for tea when he was in the area. They had prawn sandwiches and the irony was not lost on him, his name and her wind. But it’s an ill wind that blows no good, besides her stash of champagne was far better than any he’d had at a film festival.

Tragedy like History repeats itself, Mark K was due to watch a few films ready for his film review, when he slipped over a banana skin and twisted his ankle. Mark was in the Pooh, and he was due to meet this new big shot film star. As Mark K screamed as the doctor said does this hurt he remember Sandra and her banana skin, and he has a road to Damascus experience. Sandra would have to cover for him.

Sandra did not want to do it, but she did not want to leave Mark K in the Pooh. And that was how Sandra met Peter Perfect, the new hot film star. She saw his film and the stood in to interview him. He was going to show her the door when she stopped him dead in his tracks. She hadn’t worked for a senior partner for 20 years without learning the look and the voice. So she told him the story of Mark K and the banana skin, and her own accident and how Peter from the law firm had saved her by his death, and how he was a follower of Jainism.

She may have picked him up and bounced him off the four walls of the very expensive five star hotel suite. Peter Perfect was humbled, utterly humbled. So much so that he gave Sandra 2 hours worth of interview. Sandra was asked did she want to take a selfie, she said she didn’t have one of those modern cameras, besides only the girls from the law firm would want such things. So Peter Perfect jumped up from his seat and taking Sandra by her hand they walked down the road to Sandra’s law firm. Pandemonium and together they walked into the reception. The senior partner could hear the noise so he went to investigate, he was first in the queue for an autograph, his daughters just loved Peter Perfect. A senior partner has to make some very tough calls, but this one was easy.Tony ring the fire bell we need a fire drill don’t you think?

So the firm evacuated so that everybody could have time for selfies. Mark K’s big film review was the best ever, he said his Aunty had stood in for him, and that gave Sandra such a big thrill. As for Peter Perfect he stopped being a pain in the butt, and really did live up to his name. He started a new production company called Banana Skins, with the senior partner handling all his legal stuff. As for Sandra she wasn’t afraid of banana skins any more, in fact she had a secret email admirer called Banana Skins who sent her films galore via email from Hollywood.