Amazing People

Amazing People ©

By

Michael Casey

There are lots of amazing people in the world, I met one in the supermarket the other day, his name was Michael too, and he was teased with the song Michael Rows the Boat Ashore as well. I could speak more of him but he’d probably throw a tin of roe at me, so I’ll just leave it there, but I will duck.

When we grow up we are amazed and impressed by others. In my case the kid who could direct his pee over the wall of the boys outside toilets, showering anybody passing by as he passed his water. The legend is that he grew up to be a fireman directing a hose to save people’s lives, life is a circle after all.

There was girl who could spell any word in the dictionary, her father could curse for England, Ireland, Scotland and Wales. So her mother asked her to say some nice words from the dictionary, as an antidote. The girl went on to win a scholarship to Oxford then she ended up with a PhD, she was Dr Lizzie now. An Oxford Don praised her to high Heaven in front of her now retired father. You must have been flummoxed when your little girl got into the illustrious den of iniquity. He laughed. Her dad grabbed the Don by the throat, if you use that word again in front of the wife and my little girl, I’ll *&^^* you. The Don just laughed and kissed her dad on both cheeks. Somebody get a Guinness and a whisky chaser for my best friend. And with that the steel worker and the Don became instant best friends. Dr Lizzie just smiled and her mum glowed with pride , imagine her )*&&* husband having a best friend and a Oxford Don too she said. It was the only time her mum had ever sworn.

My only claim to fame is eating 3 hamburgers back to back, though obviously I am only half the man my dad ever was. When he first saw hamburgers on holiday in Rhyl he ate 6 of them back to back, waiting for the cook to cook them in front of him. I do have a world record for eating Chinese dumplings while in Shanghai and staying in a hotel. In fact afterwards I did block the toilets, such was my throughput. When we left we gave a large tip to the hotel porter, we told him not to tell anybody and that I too had done his job in my much varied past. He must have thought it was Chinese New Year, and for him it was.

There are a few amazing drinkers I have met, especially in my computer room days, but they always worked so hard that they deserved all the beer they drunk. And they never missed a day even if they had a sore head from the night before. One person I worked with had amassed a year, yes a year in unpaid flexi-time. He was an amazing person, even if he ate cucumber which was like garlic to a vampire like me, if I am allowed a private joke.

Daisy is a girl I know who can always look badly dressed, even in Prada and all the highest of fashion. She is naturally very pretty but has no fashion sense whatsoever, she murders fashion, rather than using it to lift her up and accentuating her high notes. Mandy her fat friend, and pretty girls always have fat friends, it’s like a Law of Physics, looks great in a paper bag and a smudge of red lipstick. It’s because Mandy’s personality shines through the look in her eyes. And yes Mandy has the best boyfriends the hunks, because they like the laughter she brings. Daisy ended up with an accountant, on account of her lack of fashion sense. Though years later she read a story of mine and became a photographer, she specialized in taking nude photos of men. Starting with accountants holdings abacuses.

I could tell you more but the Great British Bakeoff is on tv, so I must stop now and dust down my breadboard, which could be a really filthy metaphor, you know what the show is like.