Graveyard Humour

Graveyard Humour ©

By Michael Casey

I was musing about what to write about when I thought how about Graveyard Humour, there is so much bad news about in the news that, we could do with some cheering up. About time I cheered you all up. The first thing you’ll all agree with is that it’s about time I stopped using ABOUT. Though I could have chosen other words to over use such as Honesty and Politicians, but I may be accused of being a Main Stream Media person.

I have watched News seriously for 50 years now, so it is a very big part of my life, yes I admit it I am 58 now, though I could have stopped at 56 if the unplanned quadruple heart bypass hadn’t caught me before a big and only one. Yes I do look 28 and women swoon in the street and give me their phone numbers, if I were Sir Tom Jones they’d throw their knickers at me, though the phone number is always the same, I rung it out of curiosity to discover it was a Plastic Surgeon, perhaps they were trying to tell me something. And if you don’t believe me then you are a bunch of Mainstream Media people, I am a Fiction Writer so I never lie, I only lie when I lie down on my bed.

I hear that all people with British accents are going to rounded up, rather like the rat catcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, or was he called the school inspector, I don’t know, it doesn’t matter if I’m wrong, somebody with a clipboard told me so. Anyway British accents are banned, you will be taken to a facility for re-education, there you will have to watch all the Kojak tv shows back to back until you have a perfect USA accent. Repeat offenders will have to watch all the Cagney and Lacy shows back to back, and as for the very bad cases or is it Caseys, so I am especially afraid you will have to listen to all the David Soul songs until you can lip sync them.

Why is this happening why is USA treating us this way, is it because Daniel Craig refused to wear a Taylor Swift Tshirt, or is it All about Eve. Please help us the under the covers British speakers, Did Jay Z and Beyonce use a British accent or was it an accident under the covers that doubled the pleasure, speak like a Brit and double your… Did the same happen for George Clooney and his girl, speak like a Brit under your covers and you get twins. 

So is this all about Birth Control, the government doesn’t want all these twins, it would use up too many resources, Terminator and Devito were allowed I’ve seen there film Twins, but if everybody walks like an Egyptian and talks like a Brit then Manhattan would be  full of diapers or nappies as proper English speaking say.

Please hide me away from the British accent Police, I don’t want to be forced to speak like a Yank, if I promise to whisper, I love USA and all of you over there, I have cousins in Boston too, and newly discovered relatives in Chicago. But to be hunted down and jailed because of my accent, please please release me for I don’t love to be in jail at all. I only came to try my luck in New York, because Madonna did and I thought If I dressed like Madonna I’d get my Radio break, but look at me now, look at me now.

 I’m being forced to sing I’m a Yankee Doodle Dandy just like Jimmy Cagney, I don’t mind being a Dandy I’ve always liked clothes, and I can Doodle too, I’m not ashamed I can Doodle with the best of them.  But being forced to speak like a Yankee, I love you as a people but if the Accent Police backed up by the National Guard is forcing me, MOI to speak in another way it’s too much to bear. 100,000 National Guard mobilised to make me speak English like you do. I can only speak the Queen’s English, and I don’t mind speaking like a Queen, Dame Helen Mirren did, so I could give it a try.

Oh where was I, was I sleeping, was it all a dream or has the Nightmare just begun. If you read Gulliver’s Travels in it they nearly have a War over which end of the egg should an egg be opened. The Price of freedom is a free press, and Mark Zuckerberg you should have a feed to real Press, pick 10 and have their feeds. I’m also available, and guess what I have in common with you Mark? Me a pauper and you a billionaire. We both have Chinese wives, and we would never tell them how to speak.