Michael Casey Birmingham England: Clearout

Clearout ©

By Michael Casey

We or me to be honest had a Clearout yesterday, I need to do a bit more painting, no models or Picasso involved, just a big tin of white paint. I didn’t have the energy to do the actual painting, I was up in the middle of the night writing my 1,000,000th word after all. So I just did a bit of prep, and yes I’ve noticed as well that SO seems to be a popular word when I’m talking to you all, maybe I’ll change it to WELL.

I’ve also noticed that Russia is looking at my writing more often now. It may just be a punishment for any coder whose coding is not up to scratch. They have to translate manually with a paper dictionary 2 stories of mine, or is it Edward Snowden translating it into Russian for his new friends in the coding team. A really horrid punishment, not unless VP, Mr Putin has become addicted to this fat guy in Birmingham, who does he think he is Chris Cringle, I can almost hear him say. Well in my imagination anyway.

But back to the clearout, and yes I know you should never start a sentence with a BUT, and all the other rules, I’ll just remind the late comers, and do sit down at the back and get your books out at page 76, where was I, yes this is RADIO. Did any of you work that out yet, ok clever clogs Kumar at the back, that’ll teach you to send me a SEO email, I’ll just put your name in a story. You can boast about that for the rest of your life, and the fact you came 2nd in the annual Farting competition. La Petomane as the French call it. I bet you’ll deny any knowledge of me now, whatever happened to those who fart together hold their noses together, such a sort lived friendship.

I seem to have gone sideways, and I wasn’t talking about my waist size, Kumar you are such a naughty boy, I’ll throw you out of my class. Silence at last, that’ll teach him. What I threw the wrong boy out, who did I throw out then? Stalin, he’s a nice boy, he’s training to be a priest, or did he say pilot, no doubt he’ll let me know in 6 years time when he is ordained.

Yes Clearout, when you have a tidy up or clearout you are amazed by what you find under the bed in an Aldi plastic bag, no not twenty bags of crisps and a lost sock. But your old class reports from whenever. I actually got 80% in Chemistry then I dropped it. Then I end up with a friend who has a PhD in it, and a wife who has a degree in it, a nephew who is doing it at University and finally my daughter will study it on her way to being a doctor. All this because of what I find under my bed, in an Aldi plastic carrier bag.

Thankfully there was no book on the Titanic, to have our house sunk by an iceberg and then to sink beneath the waves would have been too much to bear. Though the sound effects would have been magnificent, if we used La Petomane to represent the gurgling of the waves, now that would be great Radio, or am I the only one with Imagination.

The things you find all have meaning and memories, Putin no doubt still treasures his first watch, a plastic micky mouse one, a Russian copy, powered by motion. That’s why he is such a good sprinter, he had to keep the power reserve up on the watch. I still love watches, if ever I am rich I’ll get a Cartier Diamond Bleu automatic, this will prove to me that I’ve arrived, and on time, though I cannot sprint.

Odd socks and old shoes are also found under your bed or at the back of your wardrobe. I found this soft brown leather jacket that I bought in Barcelona in Feb 1999, 18 years ago now. So I’ve cleaned the leather with malt vinegar, it smelt like a bag of chips for 2 days. Then I used leather furniture spray, and then finally I used Dove aftershave face lotion. It was in the back of the wardrobe for years after all. You can see the photos in one of my posts.

I now have a very good leather jacket and I have restored part of my life my memories to the front of the queue in my mind. It has stopped smelling of malt vinegar and chips now. Though we do have a great chippie at the bottom of our road. The jacket does look shinny and nice now, and still very very soft, as good as new, very well polished with furniture polish. The Dove aftershave lotion has made it so supple too, as soft as a baby’s bum, but not as smelly.

Sometimes you find an old album, a CD and then the memories coming flooding back. I can even remember when CDs were invented too. I’m listening to Queen’s last album with Freddie Mercury as I talk to you, it cannot be all those years ago when it came out. Music has so much power over us, just look how excited the North Koreans are when they hear music. Wait till Elton John turns up and play for them this Easter, the place will really rock. Ossie Osborne and Black Sabbath are the warm up band for Elton, those lucky lucky North Koreans.

That’s about it for now as I have to go to Aldi, I hope you all have memories worth keeping and sharing. If there are memories that hurt you then build a bonfire at the bottom of your garden and invite friends around and have hot food cooked on the bonfire. If some of the memories are not tied to objects then play the song Making Love on a Mountain, and get those skiing things out and go do it. But do make sure you bring enough Russian vodka with you, and a Kindle with all my books on, just in case you get bored of the vodka, or Making Love on a Mountain, the song, not the real thing, though do bring some Coca Cola too.