Hot Start to Easter Holidays ©

Hot Start to Easter Holidays ©

Hot Start to Easter Holidays ©

By Michael Casey

So hot in fact that I just typed the title in and stopped to enjoy the sunshine outside while I sat on the garden wall.  I would have blown some bubbles but my mixture has gone flat and bubbleless. I have found that women’s shampoo makes the best bubbles so tomorrow maybe I’ll  steal some  from the bathroom and make a fresh mixture. Then I can blow bubbles to my heart’s content for Totoro our cat to chase. Speaking of whom, the girls in the house steal my shampoo to wash the cat in, so its balance that I should steal their shampoo so that me and Totoro can have some fun.

Easter is the time for eggs, I always thought the egg represented the stone in front of the tomb, but you need to ask your own priest, or maybe the man in the chocolate shop, Mr Cadbury. My mum used to say if they got an orange at Easter or Christmas they considered themselves lucky. I also seem to remember that she hid things at the back of the pantry.

Tomorrow would have been her Birthday, 97 if she were still alive. So all high days and holidays bring memories of her flooding back. As well as the threat “I’ll give a slap in the puss, or hit you with the wet mop” She never did it I just seem to remember she did say it, even if it was only once, but aimed in my direction, the golden child, ok the family pet.

Easter has lots of Masses and so forth, I never missed all my life, until these past couple of years, Arthritis and post quadruple chest pain is an “excuse” for not attending so often. Though if I offer my pain as prayer, then I think I should be Pope now, or at least a Bishop. It was 6am yesterday/today before I was comfortable enough to sleep, my neighbours think I’m a shift worker judging by the times the light goes on in the kitchen.

Hols are times to avoid doing school work and slinging your school bag to the back of the pantry. Then mum would wonder had Jean our black cat done something at the back of the pantry, and if she had mum would rub her nose in it. Only on this occasion it was just my smelly rugby kit festering for 2 weeks.

Mum had made me a kit bag out of an old pair of bathroom curtains, the curtains may have originally been the cloak that Irish dancers wear when they jig up and down. Recycling at its best, my sisters had been Irish dancers, Ann King was their teacher, so when my sisters stopped the Irish dancing their cloaks became curtains, curtains for the dancing but a new beginning in the bathroom as curtains.

It’s funny what you remember, the man who did the music for the Irish dancing was actually a teacher, he later left teaching to do music full time, he used to live just down the road from where I am now. How you make your daily bread is best if you can enjoy what you are doing, and if it hurts your spirit then change.

A guy I was at grammar school with ended up as an accountant and hated it, I believe he retrained and became a History teacher, if I’m wrong I’m sure he’ll correct me. He remembers me because I made a Whitty Comment, he called it a S**tty  Comment and Mr Ealy the woodwork and PE teacher hit him with the pump for using bad language, about 47 years ago. I’m listening to Bread right now hence the segway into our daily bread.

Easter is food and family, in our case the feeding of the 5,000 all the Caseys and the dog and cat, and at Xmas we fed the lodgers too. I don’t remember feeding lodgers at Easter maybe just a couple of cans of Guinness. What more can I say just enjoy your holidays and time with your kids, soon you will be as old as me, hopefully not as illness prone, and then you’ll see if all the time invested in them is rewarded.

Love and Parentage is all about sacrifice, looking back at the alternative, a life of loneliness and quiet is ok if you like books or records, but the noise and spirit of family cannot be bettered, even if they steal your shampoo to wash the cat in.

Organising Your Kids

Organising Your Kids ©

By Michael Casey

Well its Easter hols 2017, one daughter is about to enter Purdah, she’s hitting the books prior to her GCSEs which are the big exams kids take at 16 here in England. She was worried about her Physics as they did a big test and she came home saying she thought she failed, she explained she did not revise. We had spoken before about sacrificing a subject so long as she got the top grades in the subjects she really liked and needed. So I wasn’t bothered, I am not Chinese after all, though she is half Shanghai Chinese. She came home with the school report today and she got an A.

The younger daughter is a comedian, that’s why I say she’ll be the next Julie Walters, the mad Irish lady in some films you see may have seen. She is also very smart, it’s my seeds as I say to my wife, though she says it’s the Shanghai in her not the Kerry Irish background.

Then I say somebody said they’d like to breed with me when I was working at the hotel all those years ago, because our daughters are so pretty too. My final comment is that Japanese and Chinese and even Korean billionairesses would love to have my children. My wife just goes away laughing and goes back to chopping fish heads off on her chopping board.

So you can picture the scene in our house, me the lone male, even the male cat I picked from a cat litter photo turned out to be a female. So Totoro is our bilingual cat, and she does what she likes. In a family you need to organise the family, or rather attempt to.  Can you tidy up is met with I’m studying, I’m too busy to put my own cup and plate in the sink and as for wiping our coffee table, not a chance. Then they debate it for 20 mins, when 50 seconds would have done the job.

Yes we have a small table just like in Japanese homes, we are a Shanghai family after all. As for me I stand and eat in the kitchen leaving a trail of breadcrumbs everywhere, something for Totoro to eat, and if I am accused of making a mess I just blame the cat. Just in case anybody in the family is reading this, I am speaking artistically, would I every leave crumbs and blame the cat, not me, not moi, never.

Children have this ability to untidy anything, it’s as if it’s a bomb, an untidy bomb. Samantha in Bewitched, and I can remember when it first came out on tv when I was in Primary school, I can even remember who the kid was who told me to watch it, I think I was in class 10, maybe 6 years old. I just opened that memory from nowhere, Total Recall for rubbish ask me what I had for breakfast I don’t have a clue. Does this mean I write Nostalgia? Anyways Samantha could wriggle her nose and tidy up things, kids are just the opposite, it’s as if Samantha has had her nose broken by a thug, and everything is in reverse, all is untidy.

I can reveal now that the years are past that I spent years coming in on the nightshift and tidying up before I could get my night shift started. You all know who you are, you all owe me a pint of Stella Artois, though I did get the angel picture on the wall when I left the company after 21years.

One trainer we had said she got fed up of her daughter’s strops and door slamming, so she really did take her bedroom door off the hinges. There are ways of asking and then there is telling, and finally there are forceful ways of making kids do the chores. Hiding the chocolate is the nuclear option, and it works rather well, even the cat can be controlled. Totoro will come running at the sound of plastic wrapping paper being opened as she thinks she’ll get some chicken, and as she is a writer’s cat the sound of scrunched up paper makes her wild, as she will fetch it like a dog does.

Hiding the remote used to be a way of controlling the kids but with SkyQ if they press the Q it makes the remote beep so they can find it. Though as you all no doubt experience Utube is more their thing than tv, not unless it’s the K family. So instead the other nuclear option is switching off the broadband, this gets any child’s attention. They will stand and sit and roll over like a performing animal in a circus. Kids will scatter to the four winds to bring the washing in or take the washing out or vacuum their room, or even do the washing up. Chores teach kids the value of work, and keep the house tidy, otherwise it would become like an archaeological dig. Especially if mum goes to work, it is not a hotel after all.

Speaking of hotels I always remind them of my time at CPNEC, if something needed doing you do it, you do not walk over or past it. I was Employee of the Year, a very close runner up, a lot of the guests thought I was the General Manager, I was too fat for a uniform so I wore a kind of suit of my own, and I was 20 years older that the reception crew. Then as I was standing around the front desk when I was not cleaning rooms with Vicky, or doing security patrols for the security crew, or even working in the laundry, or doing reception or switchboard duties, so I must be the General Manager, this was me in my absolute prime.

Now those days are gone, when I lie down I get pain, arthritis and the bypass scars come out to play. So that’s my motive in getting the girls to do their fair share of chores, it is character building as is hotel working. Everybody should work in a hotel for at least 6 months, it’s very hard work but again such fun too.

A story I wrote called “I’m glad to be fertilizer” drew on these experiences. So I have something in common with Donald Trump, he will never live it down, Michael Casey and me have something in common, somebody fetch me that bottle of vodka Putin sent me, just throw away the cork.  

Chores have to be done, they need to be done, but after they are done the chocolate can be eaten. That’s if they can find where you hid it, and that’s if I can remember where I hid it, I also show my kids the photo of the stone building, a one room shack where my mum was born and raised, where she lived with her parents and siblings, 9 people in a small shack. No bathroom, just pick your spot and a blade of grass to wipe your ass.

If we look back to 1920s Kerry Ireland and the Cromane peninsula or look back to Shanghai in the 1950s we can see just how far we have come, so what’s a few chores compared to that?

  

Lech The Altar Boy and The Ghost

Lech The Altar Boy and The Ghost ©

By Michael Casey

Lech was an altar 

Lech The Altar Boy and The Ghost ©

By Michael Casey

Lech was an altar boy in Cracow, this writer was an altar boy too but that was in Birmingham in the 1960s and 1970s, they do have one thing in common and that was Ghosts. Lech was big and strong and he’d punch anybody who said serving Mass was for mothers’ boys, he had a Faith as strong as he was. And besides he liked dressing up and carrying candles, it was fun and was very theatrical, especially the orb thing that you put charcoal in and the priest adds incense to, they you get to shake it all about. It was a kind of very smelly high, smoke everywhere.

Lech was always the last boy to finish after the Mass or Benediction or the Funeral or whatever it was, because Fr. Thomas also shared a cigarette with him when nobody was looking. Fr. Thomas had been in the Missions and had come home to Cracow to die, he had picked up a few diseases while abroad and as Cracow had a good hospital the Bishop brought him home to serve in a small church so Fr. Thomas could be close to a hospital. The Bishop also happened to be Fr. Thomas’s friend from 50 years before when they were at school together. Fr. Thomas had beaten a bully, in fact he had knocked seven shades of, well you know the next word, so no need to say it. So Fr. Thomas had saved the future Bishop and that’s why they became friends.

Lech reminded Fr. Thomas of himself, a big strong lad who was afraid of nothing, so that’s why they shared a cigarette when both should not. Fr. Thomas knew Lech would never be a priest, he’d be a father sure, but not a Fr. more like a father of 10. Lech was a magnet for girls, girls of all ages, 16 to 160 years old, they all thought he was so pretty, he’d tempt anybody even some of the statues of the saints scattered around the church.   

It was just after Lech and Fr. Thomas had finished their cigarette one Thursday evening that Fr. Thomas collapsed, Lech caught him in his arms and saw the life slip away from him. Fr. Thomas gasped for breath but as he was dying he said “if I was a father a real father, you would have been the perfect son for me, just promise me you’ll give up smoking” Lech promised he’d give up the cigarettes and Fr. Thomas died with a smile on his lips. Fr. Thomas had died a “father”, with a son called Lech who was as big as and as strong as an Ox.

Fr. Thomas’s funeral stopped Cracow, everybody came , priests galore, and everybody had a good time, Lech was the chief altar boy and he was given the honour of reading the passage from the Bible about Lazarus being raised from the dead and Jesus cried for his friend.

After the burial all the were gathered around chatting, and having a crafty smoke, priest and nurses are devils for a cigarette, but you know that already. Lech was going to join in, but he could hear a voice in his head, promise me you’ll never smoke, it was almost as if Fr. Thomas was standing behind him. He had the cigarette lit in his hand, so instead he stubbed it out and put it in his pocket.

At times of stress or sadness, we may all hear or see voices or shadows, or echoes or reflections, its normal when your mum dies, or when your favourite dog dies, you may hear it bark and so on. In Lech’s case whenever he reached for a cigarette he could hear Fr. Thomas’s voice, he could hear him asking him to promise not to smoke.

Once he looked up from the cigarette in his hand and he thought he could see Fr. Thomas’s, reflection in the presbytery’s kitchen window, he spun around only nobody was there. If it was cannabis he could have explained it, but since Fr. Thomas’s death he had kept his promise not to smoke, he had always heard Fr. Thomas’s voice in his head just as he was about to put any cigarette of any kind to his lips.  

This went on for 2 years, he could light a cigarette but as soon as he was about to put it to his lips the Voice the Advice from a Dead Priest was in his head. Finally he threw his cigarette lighter into the river that ran through Cracow, only as he was so angry at the dead priest he miss-threw it and it hit a girl on the side of her head and she fell in the street.

Karolina was her name and she was a nurse who smoked like the devil, or she did till Lech picked her up from the gutter in the street. She was so angry, yet so beautiful, wouldn’t you be if an oaf, an ox had hit you with a cigarette lighter. Lech took out his dirty snotty handkerchief and held it against her head to stop the bleeding. As he apologised he looked into Karolina’s eyes and she looked into his, what would you do if you were a Polish girl from Cracow and a huge hunk was looking into your eyes. Well tell me, tell me right now, or I’ll stop the story. STOP.

Ok, I stopped the story while I had a drink of water, Girls have you made up YOUR mind, what would you do to Lech? She battered him, but all the time he held his dirty snotty handkerchief to her wound, he had to stop the bleeding after all.  Then she laughed and laughed, then she kissed him more and more. Only a fool would behave in such a fashion taking everything she threw at him, be it blows or kisses but all the time holding a filthy rag at her face to stop the bleeding.

The church was still open so Lech suggested they go back and she could wash her face. He also said she could go to confession to ask for forgiveness for beating him, then they started laughing again. It turned out she was single and that her boyfriend had dumped her when he found out just before getting engaged that she could not have children. Lech was angry and cursed him whoever he was, he even offered to beat the living daylights out of him. Karolina lost her heart to him at that very second.

In church one of the confessionals had a light on so Karolina went inside to have Confession while Lech went to find the first aid kit. Cracow confessions are very quick, to the point and quick. Inside the priest said all you have to do is give up smoking, and then you’ll find a husband. Lech is a nice boy Karolina. I absolve you, and for your penance you must promise never to beat your husband Lech again. Karolina was dumbfounded, how did the priest know all about it.

Lech came back with the first aid kit and tended to Karolina’s wounds, she said you have to go to confession now I’ve just been, so after putting a final plaster on her hear Lech went to Confession. Lech was about to confess when he heard the familiar voice of Fr. Thomas telling him he should marry Karolina, but he should stop throwing cigarette lighters about or he could really hurt somebody. As for having children, Michael Casey the Birmingham writer who translates into Polish, well he asked  Padre Pio for a wife and children, but he left it all up top God. So Lech just leave it all up to God.

Lech left the confessional as white as a sheet, as if he had seen a ghost. He looked at Karolina, I will marry you and we will leave it up to God to see if we have children. Karolina got up from her seat and pointed, Lech spun around and there was Fr. Thomas was walking into the sacristy, he was arm in arm with another Cracow priest, Karol was his name in life.

Lech and Karolina got married as soon has her wound was healed on her head. She only ever had two pregnancies, triplets, three girls, then quads four boys, making 7 children in all. Because when asked in the Bible how many times you should forgive, 7 times? NO 77x 7 times. Karolina forgave him 7 times, and that was enough for both of them.

Noce na Malcie byr Michael Casey

Noce na Malcie ©

Michael Casey

Zanim zacznę, powinienem powiedzieć, że w 2013 r. Na Malcie miałem wielki tydzień i długi powrót, mimo że to właśnie tam mój Artur mój zapalenie stawów zaczął uderzać w dom. Byłem rozczarowany, że mogę kupić Deep Heat na Malcie. Teraz moje 4 lata i mój nieplanowany czterokątny bypass serca przejął mnie. Powiedziano mi, że to było trzykrotnie, ale to było czterokrotnie odkryłem 6 miesięcy później.

Moje cKd musi być także oglądane, mówię Ci wszystko, abyś mógł zrozumieć, jak ważne jest dla mnie, że mogę PISEMĆ, jego jedzenie dla mojego Ducha, nawet jeśli lubisz to lub nie. Więc teraz mam zamiar dzielić się częścią opowieści, która stanie się częścią rozdziału Łez na Butcher w pełnym wymiarze z sequelem The Butcher The Baker i Undertaker.

Teraz czytam i przepraszam do Navy Seals wszędzie, proszę nie zostawiaj głowy konia w moim łóżku, metra jedną stóp długa kanapka będzie lepiej ......

Więc to wszystko prawda, Tiny nie był wściekły lub po prostu walczył w ogóle, był naprawdę widowiskiem, widział to cały czas, ale gdy napisał to zdjęcie ołówkiem i kredką, admirał musiał podjąć decyzję, więc Mały został uziemiony, jego płetwy zabrane. Więc kiedy stała się ochroniarzem tej starej mama miliony, szczęście, że tam jest, musiał się nią zająć. Był dla niej bardziej synem i dlatego zawsze noszą szalik, ktoś do niej dotarł, zanim Tiny do nich dotarł. Obejmuje bliznę.

Co się stało na Malcie? Well Ester przyjaźnił się z tą irlandzką kobietą w Birmingham, w Anglii. Wiesz, jak lubi mieć prawdziwe przyjaciółki, nie ludzie ssania jej syna, lub próbują dostać stopę w drzwiach. Kiedy usłyszała o potrójnym narodzinach, to niemożliwe, musisz poprosić lekarza gyno, aby to wytłumaczył. Ester modlił się jak szalony, jak tylko Żyd może się modlić. A jej przyjaciel modlił się jak tylko irlandzka katoliczka. Ale przede wszystkim Rita na Malcie, która była przyjacielem pani Murphy, modliła się tak, jak tylko maltańczycy mogą się modlić, a po tym, co oni stawiają przed tymi hitlerowskimi robotami podczas wojen, wiedzą, jak się modlić.

Więc te trofea urodziły się w Birmingham w szpitalu Dudley Road. I to niemożliwe, nie potrafię wyjaśnić wszystkiego, ponieważ nie mamy czasu. Ale okazuje się, że syn Rity był wiodącym lekarzem gyno. On wyrzekł się swojej wiary, poszedł jego tata zmarł, a on z całą swoją wiedzą medyczną nie mógł go uratować. Ale kiedy urodziły się troje, każdy z nich miał maltańskie krzyżowe znamię na ramieniu. Pani Murphy i Rita spotkali się i zawarli umowę, jeśli pomogła jej przyjaciel mieć dziecko, tylko jedną ciążę, wtedy pani Murphy prosiłaby, aby jej syn wrócił do wiary.

Więc Wszechmogący Bóg zabił dwóch ptaków jednym kamieniem. Z pewnością zrobił to, a Ester wyskoczyła z cienia, że ​​pojechała z Vegas do Vegas. Wszyscy byli tak podekscytowani, że panna Murphy płakała, bo nie trzymała się tej roli. Wtedy doc ujawnił się i okazało się, że jest synem Rity. Był starym kawalerem, ale pielęgniarka go kochała od lat. Mówisz o mnie, nie na pewno, wszechmogący Bóg rozstrzygnął wszystkie wyniki w jednym dniu.

Więc zdecydowali się natychmiast wrócić na Maltę i poślubić, zanim zmarła jego starsza matka. Jedynie francuskie służby kontroli ruchu lotniczego strajkują, te sztabki zawsze są strajkowane. Więc Ester przez bitchy fit, dostała Tiny, aby nacisnąć czerwony przycisk na swoim telefonie. 14 satelitów zaczęło śpiewać, a pokój wojenny zbliżył się do bursztynu. Syn on sprawia, że ​​wszystkie satelity wojskowe, trochę jak chrupanie psa, ale z Norad odpowiadając.

Więc aby to krótkie, została przerwana gra wojenna NATO i 4 helikopy wrakowe i odzyskiwania zstąpiły w dół miasta Birmingham. Wziął doktora i jego załogę na lotnisko w Birmingham. Wsadzili helikoptery na płaszczyznę K734ASD i skierowali się na Maltę z Fc15 tomkatami jako eskortę. Ten Zillionaire naprawdę kocha swoją mamę, a także wspólne szefowie personelu kochają ją też. Pani Murphy nalegała, aby odwiedzić cło bezcłowe na lotnisku, to przestraszyło kilka osób, Specjalnych Sił Przechodzących przez wolny od cła. Pani pani Murphy nalegała, aby Rita i niedługo pogrzebać kilka prezentów. Jedna z sił rozmawiała dziewczynę w kasie i, to kolejna historia.

To moja opowieść. Jeszcze nie skończył, syn Estera zadzwonił, żeby zatrudnić cały Hilton, a on tylko podejrzewał ich ton. Więc podniósł Hilton na 3 swoich satelitach. Mafia odbyła spotkanie w hotelu Hilton. Kiedy Tiny i siły specjalne zostały poinformowane, po prostu uśmiechnęli się i wyskoczyli prosto z samolotu i wyczyścili mafię z Hiltonu, więc nie było to marnowanie dnia w odniesieniu do Sił Specjalnych.

Więc to koniec? Nie. Wszystko poszło dobrze i dokument poślubił swoją pielęgniarkę na Malcie, Rita i pani Murphy byli zadowoleni. Klub pokerowy Ester w Vegas był zirytowany, ponieważ Ester tak nagle ich zostawił. Więc ustawiła telefon, aby jej przyjaciele Vegas mogli grać w pokera przeciwko niektórym starym maltańskim mężczyznom.

Wtedy to się stało. Jedna z mafii ukrywała się w szafce i wyskoczyła. Był to pokój pełen ludzi i dzieci. Tiny miał robić swoje rzeczy i ratować wszystkich, ale bał się, że niektóre dzieciaki zostaną ranne przez bezpańskie pociski. Więc musiał zmasować faceta z Mafii, prawdopodobnie Tint umarł, ale wszyscy byliby bezpieczni.

Ester spojrzał na posąg Matki Boskiej w kącie sali balowej, my 2 Żydów sam w pokoju pełnym pogan. Niech mi będzie, że umiera, starzeję, niech mi nie jest Tiny, on jest dla mnie synem, nigdy nie dostał tej dziewczyny, o której marzyła. Wyciągnął jej zdjęcie na papierze, tak ładny, a potem czerwony po lewej stronie. Proszę Maryja, jako jednego Żyda, zbawić wszystkich tych pogan.

Moja babcia zwyczajowo prosiła, żebym śpiewała dla niej, dlaczego nie śpiewasz dla mnie.

Ester wstał zgodnie z życzeniem jedynego innego Żyda w pokoju, więc Ester śpiewał coś, co wszyscy poganie pokochali. Śpiewała Ave Maria, Ester zaśpiewała Ave Maria. Raz po raz wszyscy wstali i wyzywająco śpiewali Ave Maria. Facet z mafii był zdumiony, ściana dźwięku, Phil Spector produkował Ave Maria.

Mały zauważył, że może dać mu przewagę, a on skręcił do przodu gotowy do skoku, gotowy do ratowania wszystkich. W tej chwili modlił się Ester, Tiny dostał się do swojej dziewczyny, gdyż kelnerka przeszła przez dalekie drzwi. Była piękniejsza niż porównanie, a po lewej stronie jej twarz przypominała plamę wina. Teraz dziewczynka została zażarta przez całe życie ze względu na jej wstyd. Ale też miała wizję, a raczej głos we śnie. Mężczyzna z morza poślubi ciebie, najbrzydszy człowiek na świecie jest jedynym wystarczającym dla ciebie.

W tej chwili Tiny zobaczyła jego dziewczynę i obaj wiedzieli, że proroctwo zostało ujawnione. Czy to wszystko skończy się śmiercią. Obydwaj prosili, aby Dziewica ocaliła drugich, niech żyją, nawet jeśli zginęli. W tym samym czasie dziewczyna, Rose była jej imieniem, chwyciła spodek i rzuciła to jak frisbee uderzając faceta z mafii w jego adam jabłko. Jak dusił Tiny'ego Przeleciał sam z Saint Michaelem, sam Archankiem, trzepiąc skrzydłami za sobą. Facet Mafii został rozbrojony i zamknięty.

To wyjaśnia, dlaczego każdy pancernik Marynarki Wojennej w służbie zmierza do Malty. To prawda, musieliśmy prosić generała o specjalne pozwolenie. Zgodził się tylko, kiedy powiedzieliśmy mu, że Rose znała numer usługi Tiny'ego, marzyła o tym wiele lat temu.

 sometimes God loves us too much, far beyond our worth, I'll tell you more in a week

what's on tv tonight

What’s on Tv tonight? ©

By Michael Casey

Well we were all watching tv tonight and we ended up with a very good selection. We saw a hour documentary on the Singapore hotel, it was 10 times bigger than the one I used to work at, 2500 rooms in Singapore and yes I think we all should visit it. You can google and find its name in seconds. It has 3 towers with a surf board and infinity pool on top.  As a former hotel worker it was very interesting for me, my daughter could see the kind of work I used to do 10 years ago. My Shanghai wife lived and worked in Singapore 20 years ago, before she met me, and we changed our lives together.

Next we watched a programme on Mammoths in Russia, this was very interesting, this was another hour, my small daughter is thinking of being the next David Attenborough so this interested her a lot. I told her she’d have to get a PhD if she really wanted to do serious study in these subjects.

Now they are watching Chocolat a film set in France, I’ve seen it before so I’m talking to you all instead. So why am I sharing our family viewing habits? Simple, just as the family that prays together stays together, so the family that watches tv together stays together. The family unit is better if it has something in common and is not a collection of strangers with the same name living in the same house.

Your best friend and his brothers may come around to watch the Manchester United game as you have the biggest tv, they bring Polish lager and sausages to keep them going while they watch, they say hello to their little sister in the kitchen as they steal a few bananas. She calls them all monkeys and they all make noises like monkeys before they go back to the tv room. But this is family, they build the house you and their and little sister are living in. Now till the end of time they will come around to watch the Manchester United game, wasn’t it a great idea to put a huge satellite dish on the roof.

All over the world families of all kinds gather to watch their favourite shows together, this is family. Nowadays more families gather to watch Karaoke shows together than go to church together. Perhaps priests of all sorts should practice singing like Sinatra, then there would be more bums on seats. Though I would not advise that the congregation hold up score cards after each sermon.

With modern technology we can time shift our viewing, record and  watch later on, even days later on, but I contend that the family viewing is a good thing, it bonds families together, when we are all spread all over the place all over the time a central time to watch tv bonds families. If you add food, either formal or informal then you a FAMILY.

My mother used to say when we watched a film and the ending of the film was rubbish or of beyond belief that the ending was “far fetched like shit from China”, I had to explain that one to my Shanghai relatives, it means beyond belief only, would a Shanghai person bring bicycles from Birmingham?  No that would be far fetched, like bollocks from Birmingham if I reversed the phrase.

So in a way was the way I met my Shanghai wife far fetched? And was my mother a gypsy and predicted it without even realising it? Though she never met my wife, and it was only because my brother saved my dad’s life and I spent 3 years of constant daily visits to the old people’s home that something far fetched happened. Something that could come from a tv show, all the way from China. I’m sure I can hear my mother laughing  in Heaven. 

Writing Comedy an Idiots Guide That Fails

Writing Comedy an Idiots Guide That Fails ©

By Michael Casey

Well first of all a big thank you to the Polish readers out there, 20,500 was the score when I checked a minute or two ago. Why? I have no idea and a famous British comedian Eric Morcambe once said if it works it works, don’t analyse the Joke. So am I tempting Fate this April Fool’s Day 2017? Or Poisson d’Avril if you are French, and I also get French readers, not unless its Roman Polanski in Paris and the fashion guy with the fingerless gloves.

 They read my stories avidly you know, they even ring each other up and compare notes on my latest story. He, that’s me, is total rubbish says Polanski, yes total rubbish says the fingerless gloves Fashion designer, Lagerfeld, I just remembered his name, anyway Lagerfeld thinks I’m total tosh too, see a 3word alliteration just for you.

When you come over for cheese fondue just bring 2 more packs of TUC biscuits, it’s my monthly treat says Lagerfeld. And what film shall I bring from Blockbuster Video asks Polanski, who has a gold membership card and can now get 30% discount. Oh I heard that Paddington is a gem, if you can get Paddington 2 as well then we can make a night of it, my VHS  video recorder has been fixed now replies Lagerfeld as a model parades a new 500,000 design in front of him. More buttons is all he says, it is for the Korean market and they just love buttons after all. And thanks Roman I just got 10 crates of Chinese champagne from a grateful Shanghai client so we may as well try it with all my staff, actually it’s not too bad with cheese fondue.

As Lagerfeld uncorks all the Chinese Champagne the 1^st Paddington is  placed in the VHS video recorder, as Polanski is here they watch on a small 15inch tv with a little table laden with cheese fondu  and Chinese champagne. They had a debate for 6 months before they upgraded the tv to colour, they are real Film People after all. In a corner covered with a sheet is a Mark Kermode, you don’t want to miss any of the film after all, once started you can never interrupt a film, this is not Sky Q after all.

The loyal staff are facing the opposite direction, they have a 102inch UHD tv screen with a sound bar that could keep the North Atlantic out, or an over eager boyfriend, they have the latest blue ray versions. Carl really does look after his staff, his family. So merrily Roman and Carl enjoy their film on VHS, the TUC biscuits go down well too. Tears are shed when Paddington is in peril, Polanski and Lagerfeld have to console each other, but are so happy when all is well at the end,  now they shed tears of happiness. 

Then Lagerfeld and Polanski discuss the film craft in Paddington, and Lagerfeld scribbles down an idea for a duffle coat, his billionaires cliental will go mad with desire for it. Almost as much they’d want to breed with Michael Casey to have pretty half half children just like his own. Roman and Carl laugh till they cry just at the thought of that idea.

Then they play poker, Lagerfeld changes his gloves for this, Polanski thought he’d fleece Lagerfeld for the 10 dollars they play for, but Lagerfeld treats the poker as seriously as he treats everything, apart from Michael Casey, he is the fool from Birmingham who gives him so much joy, well in Michael Casey’s imagination anyway.

Just as they are finishing their epic game of poker and Paddington has been replaced by the Kardasians on the mega tv Polanski and Lagerfeld laugh till they cry at the serious antics of the Ks. I couldn’t make a film to parody the Ks they do it so well themselves, says Polanski. I could make dresses for all of them, they would be made of paper bags, Walmart paper bags, or maybe Prix Unique bags to be a little more chic. Then Roman and Carl collapse into each other’s arms laughing.

So that explains just how I have French readers, it a Polish reader and a German in France, making dresses for Chinese Billionaires, who all want to breed with me to have beautiful children, who may or may not have silver hair. Just one thing Carl, if I may call you by your Christian name, can you remove the covers from Mark Kermode, he has to get back to the BBC in time for the Film review.

Happy April Fools’ Day everybody from the Birmingham Fool on a Hill.