Too Stupid for Words ©
By Michael Casey
Hello I got your name
from the wall of the Gent’s toilet, I believe you may need our services. Who
are we? Oh we the Imbecile Corps, yes it is a French sounding name. We help
those who cannot help themselves, oh what we do? We are Chasseurs des
Ambulance, yes another French word, everything does sound so much better in
French.
We heard, that you had a
dispute with your Butcher about the size of his bangers, he said they were as
big as the Baker’s baguettes, yes yet another French word. But you said you
nearly had a visit to the Undertaker because of his bangers. Yes, The Butcher
The Baker and The Undertaker, sounds like a book title from Michael Casey the
Birmingham writer whoever he is.
Now from what we heard in
the Gents, though it was rather noisy because old Jack was farting away in the
3rd cubicle, which is his favourite one as it has a window so he can
keep an eye on his mobility scooter while he dumps away, and he could be in
there for a good 15 minutes, if Elsie has made her meat pies. Anyway we heard
about your problem, so we are here to assist.
We can write a nasty
letter on your behalf with lots of big words in, threatening Big Sid the
butcher if he does not offer immediate replacement bangers. But you would
rather have a quiet word with him yourself. Our big words are very long you
know, much longer than the size of Big Sid’s bangers.
Big Sid wouldn’t be
intimidated by big words, his cleaver is half a metre long, and if he doesn’t
understand any words he can always cross the road and ask Percy the Undertaker
or Mrs Kemp, Patrick’s mother in law.
Don’t you want
restitution? No, you shouldn’t believe what is scrawled on toilet walls. And
besides The Trader in Old Forge and Singing Anvil is a much better pub. Have I
got any friends who have slipped on banana skins or on raised kerbs, or had
somebody fart near them in an elevator. Yes elevator, it sounds so much better
if you use the American term for lift.
Can I just piss off,
because it sounds so much better in Anglo Saxon. A quiet word is always better
than a long letter, a French letter and a French kiss may be better than the
English variety, but other than that can you Piss off you Foolish Ambulance
Chaser.
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