and for your penance

Sunday, 16 August 2020

And for your penance

Michael G Casey email only michaelgcasey@hotmail.com           The Butcher , The Baker and The Undertaker(C)                              By                         Michael Casey Chapter Seven...And for Your Penance... ****************************************            Two weeks passed ,  during which time Patrick and June  spent every second together , bonding is the technical term for it . Patrick had bought some superglue for the bed ,  it was supposed to bond in seconds  , and last a lifetime , perhaps like Patrick and June's love . One thing was by now certain ,  June was pregnant ,  it was time for Patrick to meet her parents .           June rode her bike to the bakery , then she got into Patrick's V.W. , together they would drive to meet her parents in Harbourne . It was High  Noon for this Cinderella ,  but hopefully no blood would be spilt  , she  had told her father already .  Her father had asked just  one  simple question ,  "are you happy ?" ,  the smile in her eyes as she firmly  said "yes" proved to him that she was . He was on her side , but what about her mother ?            Patrick licked his lips and played with his tie as he drove  to Harbourne ,  he hated ties , but June said her mother prefered men to wear ties . "Don't be so glum ,  she's not a dragon , sticks and stones can break your bones but my mother will only use her tongue , " said June . "What about the lad you were going to get engaged to ,  she scratched  his face and your dad kicked his arse , " said a worried Patrick . "I told you dad's on our side , its just mom we have to convince , besides its  us not them if it comes to it ,  " said June kissing Patrick  on  the cheek . Percy who was driving towards them in the hearse smiled as he passed by  , he was pleased for Patrick , even if he had got things in the wrong order.   "See if Percy can smile why cann't you , " chided June . "He's not driving himself to his own funeral is he , " answered Patrick .  "If  you don't cheer up I'll tickle you ,  " said June as she  started  to tickle Patrick . Patrick  laughed and the car veered a little ,  there was a flash of  blue light and a siren sounded ,  Patrick slowed and stopped .  Luckily it  was Sgt.Mulholland . "What's got into you Patrick , you could have caused an accident . " "Sorry Muls ,  I'm off to meet my future mother-in-law ,  only she doesn't know yet that she's going to be a grandmother , " began Patrick . "He was looking so sad  ,  so I tickled him ,  its my fault ,  " said June interrupting and shrugging her shoulders . "It's ok I won't arrest you this time , we cann't have the baby being born in  Winson Green Prison after all .  But watch it ,  and don't  forget  my wedding  invitation ,  " with that Sgt.Mulholland got back into his  squad car . From his squad car a smile on his face he said on his loudspeaker , "Well I hope the superglue works and if the mother-in-law gives you any  trouble I'm  in the phone book ,  999 ,  that's me ,  " laughing at his  own  joke Sgt.Mulholland sped off . June blushed , Patrick muttered "bastard" under his breath . "Well at least the glue did work , " laughed June . Patrick  laughed too ,  the mother-in-law would be a doodle now ,  if  not then they knew Sgt.Mulholland's phone number .            June rang the front door bell ,  her father opened the door . He stood there and looked at Patrick ,  they sized each other up .  June felt tense  too  ,  just  as she had when she waited  for  her  pregnancy  test results  .  It  was like waiting for the parachute to open on  your  first jump ,  the theory was all very well but the proof was in the pudding , or the opening chute rather .  A full minute went by before Mr Kemp held  out his hand , he was handing over his daughter , he was giving up control . "Come on in ,  welcome ,  I've got to like you ,  June does so I do , " he squeezed  the life out of Patrick's hand ,  and placed the other  hand  on top . It was the handshake of welcome ,  though judging by look in his eye there was also a warning , hurt my daughter and I'll hurt you . It wasn't spoken but Patrick knew it was there .  June hugged her father , he'd been fair , now it was just her mother who'd need convincing . Patrick was led along a plush  corridor to the back living room ,  for him it felt like  the  last walk to the gallows ,  only instead of the gallows there was June's mother waiting , a human electric chair .              Patrick entered the room and gulped , they had decided to get it over and done with quickly , her mother would sense what was to come as soon as a man arrived , so they'd make things plain as soon as possible . "Who was that at the door ? " smiled Mrs Kemp . She  noticed  Patrick  ,  he was holding June's hand  ,  the  current  was switched on , Mrs Kemp's eyes registered power on . "Oh  ,  its June ,  she's brought us her young man ,  " replied Mr Kemp  , hoping to earth his wife . Mrs Kemp straigtened ,  current rising , the cat jumped from her lap , the cat showed its claws , all Mrs Kemp needed was a witch's hat . "He's holding your hand ,  he must know you rather well , " her smile grew as did the current , the hair on Patrick's head began to rise . "Yes mum ,  he knows me well ,  " June replied ,  squeezing Patrick's hand even harder . Mr Kemp could feel the power surge so he moved in to dampen it , he'd have to  make  a big sacrifice but June was worth it .  He went to  the  drinks cabinet  and  poured his wife a large measure from the bottle  of  Wayne's Special Reserve , he'd been given it when he had finished help lay Wayne's new carpet .  Mrs Kemp took the glass and sipped it ,  then as the  sparks flashed  from her eyes she finished off the whisky ,  it was a  very  good drop but nothing was going to divert her . "I guessed he knows you very well ,  but I do hope he's not like the  last boy ,  " Mrs Kemp flexed her fingers , they were like flick knives , she'd only just finished painting them , they were blood red . The current ebbed and flowed in her ,  she was like a tiger on the prowl , just waiting for the right moment to pounce .  "Patrick is not like the last lad ,  he's special , in fact very special , he's a gentle and kind man ,  he likes dogs too , " June said , though she felt like King Canute trying to stop her mother's surge . "Doesn't he have a tongue in his head ,  or is he the dumb kind ?  " asked Mrs Kemp smiling sweetly , though her sweet smile meant the opposite . "Of course he does ,  here let me get you a refill ,  " said Mr Kemp again trying to discharge the current . This  time Mr Kemp filled the glass to the brim ,  it was a waste of  good whisky , yet June was worth it . "Of course I have a tongue ,  and teeth too ,  " said Patrick the  current had stung him . "So why are you honouring us with your presence ,  " asked Mrs Kemp ,  her words felt like a cattle prod . June and Patrick exchanged looks , both gulped , Mr Kemp closed his eyes . "Well I've come here to ask your permission to marry June , " said Patrick Mrs Kemp choked on her whisky ,  then she downed it all in one ,  Mr  Kemp hurried  to refill her glass ,  if she was drunk then her charge would  be discharged . "Yes , we are going to be married , we are in love ! " exclaimed June . "Don't  be foolish child ,  you must only know him a matter of weeks  ,  " scolded Mrs Kemp , as the charge grew within her . "Don't call me a child , I am 28 , I am a woman ! " retorted June . Mr Kemp hovered with the bottle ,  it was a criminal waste , but he had to earth his wife some how . "Woman  ,  you  ,  what  do you mean ?  " Mrs  Kemp's  eyes  flashed  like lightening , her eyes were trying to fry Patrick . June blushed ,  then she kissed Patrick ,  she kissed him the same way she had  that  evening in the Trader .  She was proving a  point  .  Mrs  Kemp knocked back another glass of Wayne's Special Reserve ,  this was terrible her child was behaving like a common slut . "So  he does know you well ,  just how well ,  " Mrs Kemp got out  of  her chair , she stood on the cat's tail as she did so , the cat spat , but Mrs Kemp was spitting even more . Mr Kemp took a swig from the bottle before filling his wife's glass  ,  he poured till the glass overflowed ,the cat licked up the Whisky and  began to smile , Whisky is better than Whiskers any day .  "We know each other well enough to want to get married , " said Patrick . "But  you are only a child ,  look what we saved you from with  that  last chap , all he wanted was your money , " Mrs Kemp was ignoring Patrick now.  "We are getting married , I'm going to be Mrs June Murphy ! " Mrs  Kemp flinched ,  as if the currrent had changed direction  and  stung her ,  was that Murphy she had heard .  Mr Kemp took another swig from the bottle , before filling his wife's glass again . "Mrs  Murphy ,  that name rings a bell .  It's Irish anyway ,  you  cann't become  an  Irish wife .  The Irish are only good for  digging  roads  and having hoards of children , " Mrs Kemp stopped , she looked shocked . "He hasn't has he , " her eyes were pleading . "He has , and I have , it takes two mother , " said a defiant June . "Pregnant !  But you cann't be you're a virgin , " Mrs Kemp was confused , the current within her was going around and around in circles , the whisky had finally reached the spot . "They love each other , cann't you see that , June is a sensible girl , do you  think she'd wait till she was 28 just to get pregnant with the  wrong boy ? " asked Mr Kemp as he took another swig from the bottle . "Murphy ,  I remember that name ,  we leant them money years ago .  Oh God no ,  we lend them money now the son comes back for the lot ,  well that's the Irish for you ,  " Mrs Kemp grabbed the bottle from her husband's hand and took a good swig from it .  "Look  I'm  not after your bloody money you can keep it ,  all I  want  is June ,  you can have the bloody tie back too ,  its one of your  husband's June  made  me wear it !  " Patrick tore off the tie and threw it  in  Mrs Kemp's face .  "But do you have to marry him ,  cann't you have the baby adopted , or not have it or something ? " begged Mrs Kemp the whisky talking . "You bitch , don't you ever speak to June like that ! " snapped Patrick . "Yes ,  shut up you old bitch !  " snapped Mr Kemp , who had wanted to say that for years , now thanks to Wayne's Special Reserve he had said it . June's  heart  lept ,  her father was on her side ,  he  really  did  like Patrick ,  she knew it ! . Mrs Kemp slumped in the chair , she drained the bottle to the last drop . The cat had drunk all the spilt whisky so he now jumped on Mrs Kemp's lap , the two bitches fell asleep . "Ignore her ,  she's a professional virgin ,  she just doesn't  understand love ,  I hope you give me lots of grandchildren ,  " Mr Kemp belched then fell over unconscience , Patrick only just managed to catch him . June held up Patrick's hand "A knockout , the winner is love ! " They  kissed again ,  free of any inhibitions ,  it was good  that  June's parents were both unconscience ,  they'd have fainted if they saw how  the pair kissed .            A  week later Patrick took June to the early Sunday Mass  , he wanted  to  have a word with Fr.Shaw .  All through the Mass  Fr.Shaw  was watching them like a hawk ,  he had to make his mind up about them , if he wasn't certain ,  then he wouldn't marry them .  June and Patrick were the last  to  leave the church that Sunday morning ,  Patrick wanted  to  have Fr.Shaw's undivided attention . "Can I have a word Father ? " Patrick felt and sounded like a teenager . "Well its my job isn't it ?  " Fr.Shaw looked up at Patrick from under his large eyebrows ,  Fr.Shaw had a mischievious look about him , in school in the thirties his schoolteacher in Castleisland had said that one day he'd hang . "Well Father , could you marry me ? " began Patrick . "What are you asking me ,  do you know priests don't marry ,  besides  I'm not one of those quare fellows ,  so I won't be marrying you ,  cann't you get a nice girl like this one here to take a shine to you ? " said Fr.Shaw as he began to laugh heartily at his own joke . June  laughed ,  Patrick looked confused before the penny dropped  and  he joined in .  They followed Fr.Shaw from the porch up into the presbetry  , once in his study he sat in his old battered armchair and waited for  them to sit down . "Well Patrick it is nice to see you coming to Mass more regularly ,its not just  because  they have stopped the Sunday milk deliveries  is  it  ,  of course it isn't , you're a nice good Catholic boy after all . " "You see Father I want to marry June here , " Patrick glanced at June . "Well now  , marriage is a Holy thing not to be entered into lightly , its not like a night out at the pictures you know , " Fr.Shaw sounded serious.    "My mother says that too , " said Patrick looking at the ground . "One  should only marry if you mean  to stay married ,  till death  do  us part and all , and church isn't just for the photo album either , it makes me so sad to hear people say how pretty a church is when they only see the inside of one when they get married , " Fr.Shaw sighed . "I want to be with Patrick forever , " smiled June . "So you do my child , so you do , " said Fr.Shaw from beneath his eyebrows "I feel the same way too , " Patrick looked Fr.Shaw in the eye . "Now  you have done things in the wrong order ,  haven't you ?  "  Fr.Shaw sounded like a doctor rather than a fire and brimstone priest . "Well that's my fault ,  but I'm not ashamed ,  I love Patrick ,  its just that , that , " June struggled for the words . "The volcano exploded , " said Fr.Shaw sucking his lips . "Yes , " said June . "Yes , " said Patrick . "June , you're not a Catholic , would you be willing to let the child grow up as one ? " Fr.Shaw looked intently at her . "Well  I've never really thought about it ,  but I went to Saint Paul's  , my friends there were Catholics .Why not , perhaps some time in the future I might become a Catholic too , "  answered June . "We  don't want to presurise you ,  the days of the Inquisition  are  long over , " Fr.Shaw said softly . "Well the more I have in common with Patrick the better , " smiled June . "Well Patrick ,  June , everybody I have ever married has stayed married , till  death do us part ,  so if I agree to marry you I hope you  won't  go spoiling my record , " Fr.Shaw scoured their faces . "We won't ! " "Fine , I'll marry you at the end of the month , is that ok ? " "Great , " said June . "Now the little matter of being early starters ,  really I should give you a penance Patrick .  June has been a pagan ,  but you a nice Catholic  boy should have know better than to steal a maiden's virginity . " June blushed , Patrick squirmed in his chair . "Well  you see I'm an old and simple Jesuit back from the  missions  ,  my health isn't what it used to be , so Patrick for your penance . " June  and Patrick held their breath ,they watched as Fr.Shaw  stroked  his eyebrows before he pronounced the penance . "The  penance for stealing a maiden's virginity is ,  organise a fete  for the children's home this Saturday , you must raise as much as possible for the children .  Then perhaps you will realise that though making  children is  fun  it is also a responsibility ,  so raise some money  for  all  the children in the home .  And by the way I want June to spend more time with her family till the wedding ,  if you know what I mean ,  besides it  will give  the  glue a chance to work !  " with that the old  Jesuit  began  to laugh . June blushed ,  Patrick wanted to swear but couldn't , so instead they all laughed .            The  next day Patrick went around the street with  his  begging bowl ,  he knew Big Sid adored children so he started with him .  Big  Sid was tenderising some steak as Patrick came in the shop . "Bastards , " shouted Sid . The customers jumped , Sid hammered the steak even more , Sid looked up to see Patrick standing at the counter . "It was on the radio just , a man who battered his child to death only got five years in jail . I know what I'd do , " Sid gave a final wallop to the meat before serving his customer . "I hope I've not come at an inconvenient time , its just that Fr.Shaw gave me a penance for being an early starter ,  " Patrick looked at the sawdust on the floor of the shop . "Oh you mean about you getting June in the family way ,  I heard all about it , Percy had an early funeral this morning , him and Fr.Shaw had a right old laugh at your expense .  It's a good idea that ,  let the penance  fit the crime , " Sid was smiling . "So you can provide a few things ? " Patrick looked hopeful . "Well a goose to raffle and a few chickens . " "Thanks from me and the children's home ,  " said Patrick as he turned  to leave the butchers . "Hang on a sec ,  childrens' home , Percy only said it was for a home , he didn't mention any children .  Stuff the chickens ,  I'll get you a pig to roast and a side of beef . Children deserve the best , they are the future after all , " Big Sid's chest swelled .      "Thanks Sid , " Patrick nodded his appreciation and left the shop . Sid  finished serving his customers then wiping his hands on his apron  he went in the back to make a phone call . "Hello , its Big Sid here give me Len tell him its most important . " "Len here what's up ,  has somebody been trying a fast one ? " Len's voice sounded urgent he never let anybody get one over him . "No you're ok , how's the wife ? " asked Sid . "Fine , the boys too , " Len was relaxing now . "How's all those grandchildren of yours , " Sid sounded genuine and was . "Great just great ,I'm gonna be a granddad for the tenth time next week , its gonna be a girl ,  they had one of those scan things ,  " Len was  all relaxed now as he lit another large cigar . "You heard on the radio about that man who battered his kid ?  "  enquired Sid as he scratched his ear . "Yes  I did ,  I'd stick the bleeder in my deep freeze till  his  knackers dropped off , " said an indignant Len . "It's always the children that suffer , " sighed Sid . "Yes the poor kids , just like in Romania , it was on the telly , " sighed Len . "It's been nice chatting to you , " Sid was about to hang up . "Yes , I always enjoy our chats , " Len was about to hang up too . "Oh ,  I nearly forgot , a friend on the street got his girl pregnant , so his  priest  said that for his penance he had to organise a fete  for  the childrens' home , " began Sid . "God  ,  that's  funny ,   his girl has a bun in the oven and  he  has  to arrange  a fete for the children's home ,  " Len laughed as he blew  smoke rings . "Its even funnier ,  when you think that he's a baker and she has a bun in the oven , " laughed Sid . The two laughed heartily . "So I was wondering can you let me have a pig to roast and a side of  beef too ,  none of this foreign muck , good old British beef , and at discount too , as it is for the sake of the children , " asked Big Sid . "Of course I can ,  come to think of it you can have it for free , I don't want  anybody to think I don't like kids ,   me soon to be a granddad  for the tenth time ,  " Len swelled with pride as if he was carrying the  baby himself . "I'm willing to pay , " said a sincere Sid . "Look if I say something I do it , you know me , besides I will be helping somebody  with his penance won't I ,  " Len laughed heartily and  put  the phone down . Len felt good ,  he took another puff from his cigar before scratching his head  , just how had he managed to talk himself into giving a  few hundred pounds  of meat away .  He sighed and took another puff from his  cigar  , what the hell ,  he was going to be a granddad for the tenth time . As for Sid he put down the phone and wondered how he'd managed to get Len to do  that  ,  nobody  ever  pulled a fast one on  Len  .  Sid  looked  slightly bemused ,  he stood staring at the phone , perhaps he should ring Len back he hadn't given him the details or anything .  What the hell ,  it was for the sake of the children after all .           Patrick went to see Percy next ,  just what he was going to  ask he  hadn't  a clue and how could an undertaker help a  fete  for  children anyway ? Percy let Patrick in and led him to the office . "Well you know why I'm here , can you help in anyway ? " asked Patrick . "I'm sure there's something I can do to help , " said Percy . Andy came in to write something in the office diary  ,  as he wrote  Percy pondered outloud . "What can we do for the fete ,  hum , let me think , " Percy scratched his head . "Well  I  could  print off some leaflets on my  Atari  ,  now  that  we've invested in a laser printer they will come off real fast ,  " said Andy as he finished writing the entry in the diary . "Like you did before , " said Patrick with a wink  . Andy blushed , he was still young and naive enough to think that nobody on the street had realised it was him the last time . "Well  we could turn up with the cars and give rides in them ,  œ1  for  a ride  of a hundred yards ,  people love a Rolls ,  and a look at a  hearse would interest people , " said Percy . "That sounds great ,  it starts at noon and goes on till seven or later if I can get some entertainment , " said Patrick . "Ok  leave  it with us ,  you better get on with your penance  ,  "  Percy paused before adding , " its a bit like a modern fairy tale really . " Patrick  rolled  his eyes and  left them in  the eternal  peace  of  their undertakers' office .             Outside  Patrick was surprised to see June  with  hairy  Amjit pulling her along the pavement . "I just thought I'd come and see how you are doing .  Amjit has decided he wants to see his new home too , " said June looking down at Amjit . "Woof  ,  " said hairy Amjit ,  who wanted to prove that he was  no  dumb animal , hairy yes , dumb no . In his store Amjit ,  the none hairy one that is ,  he heard the  enormous woof ,  so he came out to see what was happening .  Jaswinder followed her father outside . "I see both your girlfriends are with you , " Amjit laughed . "Come  over  here  and I'll introduce them to you  properly  ,  "  shouted Patrick . Amjit and Jaswinder came over the road to say their hellos . Jaswinder hid behind  her  dad's legs ,  June soon persuaded her that though  the  hairy Alsation was big he had a heart of gold . "What's  he  called  then ,  " asked Jaswinder ready to  duck  behind  her father's legs at any moment . "Well you have a teddy called Patrick , so Patrick has a dog called Amjit the same name as your dad , " June savoured her words . Amjit's kiss curl visibily straightened ,the smile on his face disappeared too , the tables had been turned and he knew it . "But man you cann't do that ,  I'll have a confused child ,  man you  just cann't do that , " Amjit held out his hands begging . "Amjit ! " shouted Jaswinder . "Woof ! " replied hairy Amjit . "Amjit ! " laughed Jaswinder as she stole a stroke of his hairy back . "Woof ! " replied hairy Amjit as he licked her face . "See daddy , he has the same name as you , " Jaswinder was all smiles , it was great as far as she was concerned . "Come  on  lets go to Big Sid's perhaps he has some pork  scratchings  for him , " June held out her hand for Jaswinder . So  Jaswinder skipped up the road ,  with every skip she shouted  out  the dog's name , the barks echoed around the street . "You're a bastard Patrick , "  said Amjit . "It  takes  one to know one ,  besides I owe you one after  that  Calcutta Surprise , " laughed Patrick . Amjit smiled , Patrick was right , in fact Amjit had got off easily . "Well now that I've got your attention ,  can you help with the children's fete this Saturday ? " Patrick still felt uneasy asking people for help . "Sure  ,  we'll make some pasties and I can donate a few sacks of spuds  , people  always  like baked potatoes ,  " said Amjit as he  looked  up  the street  to  see his daughter teaching the dog the Indian for  "Sit  "  and "Give us the paw " . "You'll have a very confused dog , " Amjit motioned with his head . "No , just a multi lingual one , " laughed Patrick . Hairy  Amjit soon mastered Indian ,  well enough to get himself some  pork scratchings at any rate . Patrick smiled as he started off down the road , he'd try Mark's next .             Mark had his cake book on the counter when Patrick came  in  , Henry  the  road sweeper had been in and he'd told  Mark  about  Patrick's penance , he'd heard from Michael who had heard from Percy . The grapewine was working ,in fact Marvin Gaye's "Heard it on the Grapevine" was playing on Mark's radio as Patrick came in the cafe . So all Patrick had to do was offer  some  sacks of flour ,  the baking would be done in Mark's  and  at Patrick's  bakery  ,  Mark would make them up first .  Patrick  left  Mark pondering  over  what delights he'd make ,  he'd pop into  Smiling  Paul's next .                       A heated arguement was going on in Paul's ,  somebody had lost a slip and a few hundred pounds ,  Paul wasn't going to pay out even if they called him "Scrooge" . Patrick hovered at the door , on impulse he decided to capitalise on events . "He's not that bad , " he began . "He's tighter than a taxman , " somebody yelled . "No he's not ,  he's going to be making money for charity this Saturday  , he'll have a stall at the childrens' home ,  all profits for the kids . He should make a thousand pound for them !  " Patrick had let his tongue  run away with him .  "Yes ,  I'll be there  ,  I'll be making money for charity ,  so lets have none of this about me being a bent bookie .  Anybody knows ,  no slip , no payout ! " shouted Smiling Paul . "See you all at the children's home this Saturday ,  " shouted Patrick  as he left Smiling Pauls' . He had defused things a little and managed to con Smiling Paul into coming too ,  Patrick looked perplexed ,  just how had he done that , he shrugged his shoulders and forgot about it .            Patrick looked up the street and smiled at June ,  their  smile was like a ray of sunshine , it warmed and made them both feel glad , they knew they were made for each other , so what if they were early starters . Patrick  entered the Trader as hairy Amjit was selling his soul  for  pork scratchings  ,  just  think  of  the power a  little  Indian  girl  called Jaswinder had in her hand . "So you went to confession then , " smirked Annie . "It beats an Our Father and a Glory Be doesn't it , " laughed Betty . "Look girls , " began Patrick . "Boys will be boys , " said Annie . "And girls will be girls , " said Betty . "And  they end up having babies ,  " finished Patrick ,  he could  see  it coming . "Well  I suppose you want me to run a bar ?  " said Wayne getting  to  the point . "I  had hoped for a few donations ,  I wasn't going to ask for a bar  ,  I mean that would be too much to ask , " Patrick said softly . "Well don't ask then ,  but that's what you've got ,  besides it will be a day  out  for  the  family ,  I'll stick a note on  the  door  telling  my customers to go to the childrens' home if they want a drink , " Wayne said it as if he was telling the time , it was all settled . "Thanks from me and the childrens' home , " Patrick nodded his thanks , he couldn't believe how nice people were . When he'd left the pub the twins turned to their father and kissed him . "Well he is one of your "uncles" after all , " Wayne felt embarrassed . "Oh daddy can we build sand castles , " joked Annie . "Can I have a ride on a donkey p l e a s e ,  " asked Betty fluttering her eyelashes . "Stop making a fool of your father and fetch me my diary , I'm sure we can get the breweries to help too , " Wayne winked , he had an idea .           Outside Patrick bumpted into Jimmy ,  Patrick said he was  sorry and was about to carry on with his penance when Jimmy called him back . "Hey aren't you forgetting something , I may be a Jew but I'd like to help a  nice Catholic boy do his penance ,  " Jimmy held out his hands  like  a magician proving they were empty . "Oh  I  wasn't  going  to ask you ,  I mean the rest  of  the  street  are Christians  and it is a Catholic childrens's home ,  and and ,  "  Patrick spluttered to a halt , the look on Jimmy's face was of shock . "Look I know I can help you .  I can do a valuation service , œ1 an item , the  money going to the home .  Or was your Kerry belly just  thinking  of food ? " Jimmy sounded stern . "Sorry , I just didn't think , " Patrick looked at the ground . "That's ok ,  after all Jesus was a Jew ,  its just that you Catholics are Jew's who went wrong , you cann't be blamed , " Jimmy began to laugh . "That's great Jimmy , really great . I've nearly finished asking everybody now ,  it would be nice if we had some live music too but for the life  of me I doubt if I could get anybody at such short notice , " Patrick sighed.   "Well us Jews do have some connections .  I'll get you a Jazz band ,  most have a Jew playing for them ,  if not leading them .  I hope Jazz will  be ok ? " asked Jimmy with a flourish of his hands , a new trick finished . "That'd be great ! " a smile lit up Patrick's face . "Well go on then ,  finish your penance ,  I'm afraid with your funny nose us Jews wouldn't take you back into the fold , " joked Jimmy .            Patrick walked up the street to hug June , everything was going like a dream .  Henry passed by pushing his cart , he felt neglected as he hadn't  been asked to help ,  so Patrick asked him to come and do what  he did best ,  collect litter . Wherever there are people there is litter . A wave of music engulfed Patrick as he kissed June ,  it came from Winston's capri , it was so loud that his fluffy dice nearly fell off . "Hey you l o v e r s  , I can advertise on my station , "  said Winston . "Ok  ,  advertise on your station ,  let a man get on with his  work  ,  " replied Patrick as he kissed June . "Yes , let a woman get on with her work , " said June arching her eyebrows and kissing Patrick again . The engulfing music disappeared , Patrick didn't bother to ask how Winston knew about the fete , perhaps a birdie had told him , it wouldn't surprise Patrick in the least . Patrick was tapped on the shoulder , it was Ken . "About  this  fete ,  can I help ?  " he was fidgeting  with a  bundle  of letters , his postman's bag was nearly empty . For  whatever  reason ,  maybe it was out of fun ,  or perhaps  out  of  a perverted sense of humour , Patrick led Ken to Big Sid's butchers .           Inside  Ken looked first at Patrick and then at  Sid  ,  Patrick smiled , Big Sid smiled , Ken looked bemused . Patrick knew what was Sid's favourite t.v.  program ,  Sid watched it with his grandchildren .  So all Patrick had to do was smile , Sid could work the rest out for himself . "He wants to help with the childrens' home  fete , " said Patrick . "Yes , I'll do anything , " said Ken , like a sheep saying it'd be chops . "Anything ? " asked Sid . "Anything ? " echoed Patrick . "Yes  anything , " Ken even smiled . "Anything what so ever ? " asked Sid , moving closer . "Anything at all ? " echoed Patrick moving closer . "Anything but , " began Ken . "Postman Pat , " interrupted Big Sid . "What ? " stammered Ken , hoping his ears weren't working properly . "Postman Pat , " smiled Sid . "We want you to be Postman Pat , " Patrick's eyebrows almost nudged Ken . Ken's  left eye developed a twitch ,  he went quite pale and wanted to  be sick  ,  but how can you say no to an eighteen stone butcher with  a  meat cleaver in his hand , and wearing a Postman Pat jumper under his apron . "Pardon ? " Ken hoped that would be enough to confuse them . "I want you to be Postman Pat ,  " Sid moved closer , like a Sumo wrestler coming in for the kill . "Er , " mumbled Ken , hoping to shake them off the trail . "We , the two of us want you to be Postman Pat , " said Patrick . "Er , " repeated Ken , that'd fox them for sure . "What do you say ? " asked Patrick plainly . "Can I have a glass of water , " croaked Ken . Sid went into the back for water , Ken had thought of dashing out the shop but hairy Amjit's nose was up against the door , Ken could almost hear his breathing through the glass . "You swine , Patrick , " hissed Ken . "Will you do it ? " demanded Sid as he handed Ken the water . "Er , " croaked Ken . "Well will you do it ? " asked Patrick . Ken gritted his teeth ,  he looked at Sid ,  at Patrick , at hairy Amjit , there  was only one possible reply .  Ken took a sip of water  and  nodded slowly , like a condemned man chosing how to die . "Fantastic ,  just wait till I tell my grandchildren ,  " yelled Sid ,  he was so overjoyed that he patted Ken on the back . Only this made Ken choke on his water . Sid jumped into action and burped Ken , this made Ken worse still , so Sid grabbed him and threw him over his shoulder to wind him , Sid finished off by sitting him Ken up on the counter . "Are you o.k. now ? " asked a fatherly Big Sid . "He looks a little off colour , " said Patrick . "I'm fine , " croaked Ken . "Shall I burp him again ? " asked Sid edging towards Ken . "I think he's o.k. , he's getting his colour back now , " observed Patrick "I'm fine ,  just fine , " said Ken as he climbed off the counter , though now he had a twitch in both eyes . Outside hairy Amjit jumped forward , as if instinctively knowing Ken was a postman , Ken jumped out of his skin . "It's  ok  Ken  ,  he's just saying hello ,  "  advised  an  all  knowing Jaswinder . Ken  closed his eyes and hurried away ,  perhaps there was a  rock  nearby which he could crawl under .             The evening before the fete Fr.Shaw was asking  Sgt.Mulholland whether the police would lend a hand , give a display or something . "I don't know ,  our new inspector in a tough cookie .  He used to live in the  area years ago ,  now he's come back ,  only he's the boss  now  ,  " explained Sgt.Mulholland . "I've been away in the missions for a long time , I'm back too , only that man there is the boss , " Fr.Shaw pointed to the cross on the wall . "I  could ask for you but he'd more than likely bite my head off ,  "  the sergeant didn't relish the idea of asking the inspector for a favour . "Well ,  I'll do it myself .  What's this Dragon's name then ,  though I'm certainly no George , " asked a tired Fr.Shaw . "His name is Inspector T.Howard , " said Sgt.Mulholland . Fr.Shaw's face cracked , the first light of dawn broke through it . "And his Christian name ? " asked the old priest . "Thomas  ,  he insists on Thomas ,  not Tom ,  when he's being friendly  , that's on the rare occasions he is friendly , " explained the sergeant . The  old embers in the priest's eyes glowed again ,  he knew that  name  , only to him it was little Tommy Howard .  The sergeant left the priest  to dwell on the past ,  or rather on Tommy Howard's past ,  and how he became an owner of a bycycle thirty years ago ...            The  day of the fete Patrick delivered his  milk  at  breakneck speed ,  much of the milk had turned to butter such was the shaking it got as Patrick scooted around his round .  The dairy had donated a float  full of milk too , what with the Bank Holiday it would have gone sour anyway .             At the children's home Mark and Big Sid had arrived  early  to get the roast going . Big Sid was amazed to see that Len himself drove the refridgerated van to the home to deliver the meat . "Well I had to make sure that only the best got delivered ,  so I switched the meat we were going to sent to the Council for some do of theirs for  a third rate piece of foreign stuff .  Now the stuff I'm giving you is  only choice meat , the kind you and me have every day at home , " explained Len "Won't the Council know you've tricked them ? " wondered Big Sid . "Them burks wouldn't know best British Beef from my arse , besides its the kids who should have the best not councillors , " Len spoke with passion ,   he'd once tried and failed to get selected for a council seat . "Thanks  Len  ,  "  Big Sid's chest swelled with pride ,  Len  might  have reached the heights in the Meat Trade ,  but he was still a family butcher at heart . The  pair  shook hands , two mighty hands clashed ,  it was like  the  sea crashing  on a beach ,  a coconut could have been crushed ,  such was  the power of their hands .  Meat ,  friendship , love of children and bullocks to the Council , all this in one handshake . "Now you have got some ham for later on haven't you ?  I mean people  will get a little peckish later , " Len was really concerned . "I hadn't thought of that , I suppose I could dash back to my shop and get some , " Big Sid started to take his apron off . "Sid , Sid , this is my shout , besides I'm celebrating . My granddaughter was born last night , 10 pounds 12 ounzes , a bit on the light size for my family but she's a beauty is little Catherine " Len smiled from ear to ear . "That's  really  good ,  and her mother ate a lot of liver while  she  was expecting ? " asked Big Sid . "Of  course .  Anyway I'll get some ham ordered ,  " Len winked  ,  as  he reached into his pocket and brought out a cellular phone .  "Hello its Len here ,  give me my son Tim . Hello , Tim can you switch the ham  .  You know the stuff we were saving for the football team do  ,  you know  the  council  salutes  our heros ,  as if they'd  fought  a  war  or something .  Anyway send that lot down here for four o'clock , if you look at  the  back  of the number fourteen freezer we have  some  other  ham  , that'll do our precious heros .  Yes ,  that's all ,  thanks Tim ,  "  Len smiled as he put the phone back in his pocket . "Your a real gem Len , a real gem , " Big Sid hugged Len . "I'm just doing my bit ,  besides if you didn't tip me off all those years ago  I'd  still only have the one shop ,  " Len looked at  the  ground  he didn't have the words to say thanks , but he had the meat !            Patrick arrived on site to see that he had a display of vans  , they had all happened to park in a row .  So now he had the butcher ,  the baker ,  the undertaker ,  David's dumper truck ,  Frank's furniture van , Peter's  Plaice van plus the float he had arrived on .  Jimmy had a  cloth spread  over the front of his Gold BMW and was valueing things  already  . Frank came rushing up to explain his presence . "You  see for two years I've tried to sell this three piece  suite  ,  but nobody  wants to know ,  I even offered to throw in furniture  covers  but nobody wants to know . It makes me sick every time I look at the thing , I cann't believe that I ordered it .  Though I did order it for the  formica end of my shop ,  not for the quality end you see .  So all I'm asking  is let me raffle it , œ1 a ticket for a œ350 suite is a bargain . I just want to get rid of the thing ,as soon as its won I will personally deliver it , just  to  make sure that I never have to see the bloody thing  again  !  " Frank  was  almost begging ,  he sounded like a  manic  depressive  Arthur Negus , slagging off furniture instead of praising it . "Sure Frank , sure , " said an astonished Patrick . Frank  kissed his hand , and skipped away as happy as a sandboy .             Hairy  Amjit came running up to his master  ,  in  fact  Amjit flattened Patrick , he sat on his chest and licked his face . June dressed as a baker stood by Patrick's head and laughed . "That's  what I want to see more often ,  my future husband at my  feet  , adoring me ! " she tossed back her head and laughed . Hairy Amjit howled ,  his spit dripping all over Patrick's face .  Big Sid noticed Patrick's position so he whistled for Amjit to come to him  .  Now when a butcher whistles a dog comes running ,  Amjit was no exception  and no  fool  .  Patrick's face was clean enough for now ,  Amjit  had  better things  to think about ,  mainly his stomach .  So leaping backwards  and treading  on Patrick's naughty bits Amjit was gone ,  stomach first so  to speak  .  Patrick his face wet from Amjit ,  slowly got to his  feet  ,  a pained  expression  on his face .  June laughed again ,  so  Patrick  went crosseyed . "I hope there's no permanent damage , " she smirked . "I'll get you at playtime , " said Patrick as he started to tickle her .            Winston and Curly arrived behind them were a Pentecostal  Choir its leader being Wiston's mum . "Mum  insisted  on coming ,  they are off to London in a few days  for  a competition  ,  but  mum said it would open their throats  ,  "  explained Winston as he shrugged his shoulders . "I  also said that I'd kick him ,  Curly and their damnation Pirate  Radio out  of my house if they didn't let us sing the Praises of The  Lord  ,  " beamed his mother from under her Sunday best large hat . "Well sing then , " said Patrick not knowing what to say . David  and Patrick dashed into the children's home for a few  benches  for the  choir to sit and stand on .  In a few minutes time the Black  Country Pentecostal Choir Champions began singing .  Winston put up a sign  saying "Jesus Jukebox" ,  his mother was going to belt him ,  Sunday best or  no Sunday  best .  June tactfully said it was true and did they  know  "Abide with Me " .  So that's what they became ,  the "Jesus Jukebox" ,  throw  a pound in a bucket and shout out your request . Now the saying is the Devil has all the best tunes , today he didn't . The girls in Pentecostal Choirs always look  as if they could be the Devil's playthings ,  such  is  their beauty , but these beauties were the Lord's . They sung like angels though some passing stranger might wish they weren't !            Wayne  had  not been a slouch either ,  he'd  recently  seen  a documentary on Bob Geldof ,  so Wayne had copied his tactics . He had told several  breweries  that he needed a few barrels at short notice  for  the childrens' home fete ,  could he have time to pay ,  as the pub was  going through a bad patch and he was even thinking of selling up .  Now the  men from the breweries began to twitch when they heard this news ,  so much so that they offered the beer for free ,  it was good public relations  after all , the kind breweries helping a childrens' home . Of course the thought didn't cross their minds that Wayne might look kindly on them ,  should he decide to sell . All Wayne had said was that he was thinking of selling .            Wayne had arranged the loan of a tent or two or three for  that matter  from the breweries .  He had also arranged that the beer would  be delivered at the same time .  So when the breweries unloaded they saw that another  brewery was helping too ,  now they wouldn't want to  be  outdone would  they ?  So what started as one barrel each became two barrels  each and  so  on ,  till for a finish Wayne had five barrels each off  all  the breweries ,  Bob Geldof would have been proud of him .  Wayne had made the breweries play a game of poker with each other , only there was one winner and  it wasn't the breweries !  Betty and Annie had thought  their  father was daft to have all the beer come at once , when they realised what their old dad was up to they were proud ,  so proud , the old dog certainly knew a few tricks .  Now that much beer would be more than enough , in fact too much ,  only Real Ale drinkers could drink so much .  So Wayne had  dialed the  daisy chain line of the Real Ale Magazine ,  his one call had led  to hundereds in the Black Country alone , all are called but only few answer, but  when they answer you know about it .  Real men had cried like  little boys as their wifes had said yes ,  but with the usual strings attached  , an  enormous grunt went up over the Black Country as forgotten tasks  were done ; these men weren't bitter , the tasks over they were on their way to heaven , a Real Ale heaven , and a children's home would benefit .            Everything seemed to be going well ,  people had drifted in and a  crowd  of two hundred or so were there .  Then Patrick started  to  hop about and cluck like a chicken , he'd realised they had no P.A. "What's up ,  you look as if you'd discovered you were pregnant ,  " asked an anxious June . "We've got no P.A.  that's what's up , I mean we need it for announcements and things , " replied a flustered Patrick . "We're doing o.k. so far , why bother ? " asked a practical June . "We  just need it that's all ,  " answered Patrick ,  the skin  tightening over his face as he shook his head at her .            At that moment Georgio ,  a friend of Franks arrived ,  he  was driving  one  ice cream van and two of his ten children were  driving  two more  vans  .  Frank had forgotten to tell Patrick that Georgio  would  be coming , people always like ice cream at fetes , so Georgio would be there to do his bit , profits for the day going to the children's home . "Come on buy me an ice cream ,  it'll calm me down ,  " said June  taking Patrick by the hand and leading him to the first ice cream van . Patrick  bought a 99 for himself and a  triple 99 for June .  Mrs  Georgio smiled ,she looked like a Goddess , bearing ten children had had no effect on her figure . "When is the baby due ? " asked Mrs Georgio . "How do you know ? " asked June as she devoured her ice cream . "How  do I know and me a mother of ten ,  its in your eyes ,  its in  your breasts ,  that's how I know . Besides I used to eat triple 99s when I was pregnant too ! " laughed Mrs Georgio . "Five is a nice number , but ten is even better , " boomed Georgio , as he rolled up his sleeves revealing his strong as steel arms . June  arched  her eyebrows and looked at Patrick ,  he blushed  ,  he  was beginning to hate this penance business ,  everybody seemed to  be  making suggestions .  Patrick looked at the sky and sighed ,  it was then that he noticed the loudspeakers on the ice cream vans . He kissed June because he was so happy , only June still had the ice cream to her face , the pair of them looked like mucky children .             Patrick ran away to find Winston and Curly ,  June had another triple 99 ,  they were very good .  If she knew that Georgio's 99s had  an aphrodisiac effect she wouldn't have , that's how Mrs Georgio was a mother of ten after all !   Patrick returned and pointed to the loudspeakersa  on top of the ice cream van . "I suppose we could rig something up ,  from my van to these , it wouldn't be very good .  And you'd have to space out the ice cream vans ,  but  its possible , " said Wiston as he played with his Babylon badged . So that was settled ,  a P.A. system was devised from three ice cream vans and Winston's van .  Curly raced back and forth wiring everything up , the stereo speakers from Winston's van were taken out and placed on top of the van ,  they were as big as suitcases . Winston liked his music loud , with a capital L . With a little more jiggery pokery at the end of fourty five minutes a P.A.  system was set up .  Mrs Georgio gave June a third  triple 99 , she also pondered on June herself . "How  many  brothers and sisters do you and your man have ?  "  asked  Mrs Georgio , standing with her hands on her hips . "We are both only children , " slurped June . "Then having looked at your breasts I think five children will be good for you , " she said solemnly . "No six is a better number , " observed Mr Georgio . Mrs  Georgio  leant out from the ice cream van and  squeezed  June's  left breast , it had to be the left one , the one by the heart . "Yes ,  you are right ,  six children will be just right for you ,  "  Mrs Georgio nodded , the verdict had been made . The  P.A.  system was ready ,  Winston came up with the microphone in  his hand . Patrick didn't know what to say , June solved his problem . "Mrs  Georgio has looked at my breasts and she says six children would  be good for them ,  or rather for us ,  so it'll have to be six ,  once  this first one is born ,  what do you think Patrick ? " June's voice echoed all over the children's home playing field . "Er , er , er , " was Patrick's echoed startled reply . The  crowd  all looked in their direction ,  a hugh smile  on  everybody's face .  "Well is that a yes ? " asked June her voice echoing all over . "Er , er , yes ? " said a confused Patrick . A cheer went up ,  Winston fed a tape through the system by accident ,  it was "Cann't get enough of Your Love " .  Laughter rained on them , Patrick wished the earth would swallow him up . "Come on ,  cheer up ,  you do love me don't you , why be ashamed ? " June looked Patrick in the eye .     "I'm  not ashamed ,  its just that I never seem to get any privacy  that's all ,  " Patrick looked at the ground ,  why was there never any normality for him ,  everything seemed to be advertised , he just wanted to be alone with June . "Come on then give us a kiss , " teased June . So  they kissed ,  Patrick didn't care that June tasted of ice  cream  and Cadbury's chocolate flake ,  in fact it made it better !  Mrs Georgio  and her husband looked on ,  it reminded them of themselves ,  their first had been conceived in an ice cream van . "I  think that with a bit of effort they could have ten ,  " observed  Mrs Georgio . Her husband kissed her , perhaps they would make it eleven for themselves.            Mrs Murphy was making her way through the crowd when she  heard the P.A. announcement , it had made her heart jump with joy . That Italian woman  certainly  knew what she was talking about ,  and  wouldn't  it  be great . Mr and Mrs Kemp had also heard the announcement , they were making their way through the crowd from another direction .  Both arrived by  the ice cream van to see June and Patrick kissing ,  Georgio and his wife were doing the same .  Mrs Murphy glowed ,  this was great , she wanted more of this. Mrs Kemp was disgusted she needed a drink , so Mr Kemp went with her to the drinks tent .             The drinks tent was being ran by Wayne and family .  His girls had dressed for the part ,  like Saint Trinians school girls ,  with short skirts  and  stocking and suspenders .  They provided  the  leering  looks themselves ,  Wayne had tried to persuade them not to dress like that  but girls will be girls ,  and the twins were certainly the twins .  So  Wayne did what any father would do ,  he put up a large sign . It read "Yes they are my daughters ,  and yes I do have a shotgun behind the bar " , in fact he had a horn with a compressed gas can attached to it .  Any nonsense and he'd hoot , and then he'd beat the living daylights out of them !           Crowds had built up at the fete and in the bar ,  and why ? Well Fr.Shaw had spoken to Inspector T.  Howard .  He had reminded him when  he was  little  Tommy Howard ,  and how he had stolen a  priest's  bycycle  , Fr.Shaw's  bycycle  ,  now he wasn't one to tell tales ,  a  priest  hears confession and doesn't spill the beans .  Yet ,  he could be tempted ,  as the  inspector wasn't a Catholic and a crime is a crime after  all  ,  and there is no Statute of Limitations in England after all . So with a little arm twisting the inspector had decided to help .           Now a policeman must always do his duty and show no favour ,  so Tommy Howard did that . And how ? Well there are emergency plans and civil defence  plans  which get dusted off occasionally ,  rather like  the  old Green Godesses . So that Saturday happened to be chosen as a day for civil defence practice ,  which means get all traffic off main roads and  divert them down small roads .  Now the children's home was off a small road , so if  people who were diverted happened to pass it ,  once or twice or  even three times , thanks to careful civil defence planning , then it was their free  will  to go into the childrens' home and enjoy a fun day  out  .  It would  be better than driving backwards and forwards for an hour or  so  , the Police have to do their duty after all ,  for the good of us all , and should a childrens' home benefit then that was no fault of the Police  was it ? It might be the fault of a Police Inspector ,  but the fault of  the Police ,  nothing to do with them ,  nothing at all .  Little Tommy Howard wasn't an inspector for nothing was he ?            So it was that Fr.Shaw was in the bar telling Wayne all this  , Sgt.  Mulholland  was at his side having a refreshing cup of coffee  ,  he couldn't  drink on duty could he .  The fact that it was 50% proof  coffee now that was a natural calamity , a pity to ruin good Nescafe , but when a police officer is invited to have a coffee it is his civic duty to  accept and  should it turn out to be 50% proof then he just has to suffer  , for the sake of good community relations .  As Sgt.Mulholland was a very  good Community  Policeman  he suffered for his duty ,  three or four  times  he suffered ,  but he didn't complain , because that's the kind of copper he was  .  The  perfect  laughing policeman , when he  had  heard  about  his inspector .             Wayne waddled out from behind the bar when he saw Mrs  Murphy enter the tent ,  rushing towards her he shook her hand ,  after all in  a manner of speaking the do for the children's home was Patrick's and June's Engagement Party .  He reached into his pocket and pulled out a bottle  of Guinness , he handed it to her and began looking for a glass . "Oh its alright , no need for a glass , " Mrs Murphy put the bottle to her lips and drank . Mrs  Kemp looked around to see Mrs Murphy ,  she would never drink from  a bottle ,  she'd forgotten how she had the other day when she heard she was to be a grannie . "In every bottle of Guinness a baby is born ,  no doubt that's how her son took advantage of our daughter , "  she said looking down her nose . "This  is  supposed to be a celebration for the children's home  ,  not  a vendetta , " said Mr Kemp . "Vendetta sounds such a nice word sometimes ,  " said Mrs Kemp looking  at her nails , as if readying them to scratch somebody's eyes out . "Come on ,  lets get a drink ,  " urged Mr Kemp as he made his way through the crowd in the bar .            Betty climbed on top of a table so she could shout . "Can we have those glasses please , no glasses means no drink ! " "Yes no glasses means no drink ! " echoed Annie who had got Mathew to lift her up above the crowd . A shout went up ,  a slow procession of men in duffle coats were  carrying eight  barrels of beer towards the tent ,  all they lacked was  a  trumpet blowing herald . Annie and Betty ran to greet them . "Uncles ,  uncles , uncles , " yes it was the men from Uncle alright , the duffle coats gave them away , it was the Real Ale Men . Don  the lead uncle handed a fistful of labels to the twins  ,  the  girls laughed ,  he hadn't forgotten .  So the girls quickly ran about tying the labels  to  the men .  There were 150 Real Ale men to  be  labeled  ,  all wearing  their duffle coats in honour of Wayne's girls ,  it took quite  a while  for all to be labeled but labeled they had to be .  Others  in  the crowd began to laugh at the sight , but the Real Ale Men took these things seriously  ,  Tradition was Tradition after all .  With all  due  ceremony their  gift was brought into the bar ,  Wayne smiled his thanks and  wiped away a tear .  His one phone call had brought this ,  all for the sake  of the children . "Well ,  we wanted to help ,  so we got some of the brewers in other areas to  help  too ,  " Don waved his hand over the two" four packs" they  were carrying . "I  think we might run out of glasses ,  " said Wayne sucking  his  bottom lip. "No problem , " said Don as he coughed before addressing the duffle coated army . "Men , present arms ! " he ordered . As one in a giant flourish they each brandished two plastic glasses .  The coat pockets of the duffle coats do have their uses after all . A round of applause  greeted  the  sight  of their glasses  ,  Betty  and  Annie  did cartwheels , showing their navy blue knickers . This brought another round of  applause ,  Maureen their mother fainted and Wayne blew his  horn  and told his daughters to stop flashing their knickers . The girls then had an idea ,  as they hated washing glasses , why not make people pay to do it , a  few more pounds for the home would be raised too .  They both had  read Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn as children , as well as Paddington Bear . Soon from the massed ranks of the Paddington Bears and the normal people a queue had formed , to pay for the priviledge of washing glasses !          Smiling  Paul had turned up too ,  he wanted to put  a  sign  up saying "Honest Smiling Paul Your Bookie" ,  only Sgt.Mulholland had warned him  of  the Trade Description act ,  so his sign just said "Bet  Here"  . People  did bet too ,  Smiling Paul took bets on anything .  The colour of the next person to bet's shirt ,  the age of the third person to walk past his pitch .  He even had spiders in a jar ,  he had spider races , he even had a handicap system to race the spiders .  He handicaped them by  taking one of the legs off ,  all done most humanely with his cigarette lighter , only  a few times the whole spider ignited  and the spider scrambled  away like a dying comet .  So Smiling Paul took bets on how long a spider would burn  ,  of course with bets like these it was the children who lost  the most money ,  but they loved it the most .  Smiling Paul even had a  guess the weight of his briefcase competition ,  the answer would be revealed at the  end of the day when the weight of money would be taken  .  Guess  the number of drunks to fall over within a ten yard range of the beer tent was a particular favourite ,  with drunks who hadn't yet fallen over . He even had bets on telling the time . How this one worked was somebody would look at their watch ,  as soon as this happened Smiling Paul would ask them the time , if the person DIDN'T look at their watch again then Paul had to pay out to the man making the bet .  As people always look at their watch when you ask them the time , even if it is seconds since they last looked at it Paul was Smiling . People always look at their watch , so Paul won all the time on that one ,  Private Walker of Dad's Army would have been proud  of him .           The Pentecostal Choir were beginning to flag , the last notes  of When the Saints Go Marching In drifted over the field ,  only they  didn't fade away for the tune was taken up by a band . Faint at first but growing in strength and power , the sound was unmistakable . It grew and grew till it was bold and brassy ,  it became a quality sleeze sound .  And who  was making this devilish sound ,  none other than Jimmy's Jewish Jazz Band , a collection  of  25 of the best Jazz men from the Midlands .  Each  wore  a tee  shirt with Jimmy's Jewish Jazz Band on it ,  Jonathon the son of  one of  them  was in the screen printing business ,  so he'd made up  the  tee shirts  .  The Jazz men glided through the crowd ,  Jazz  musicians  never hurry they just ooze ,  they play as easily as they breath .  This is  how the band made its way to headquarters , Jazz men are no fools so as  they played they headed straight for the beer tent . All but four of them  that is ,  four went towards the main building , when one tune had finished the four by the main building began playing Strangers On The Shore ,  the  old Acker Bilk hit sounded great as it echoed off the walls of the childrens' home  .  As they played the other 21 had a drink or two or  three  ,  then seemingly without effort they joined in ,  a Jazz man could fall down  the stairs such as at the Waterworks Club and still be in tune as he hits  the bottom  , and then he'd have a drink , say hello to  his  friends  before effortlessly joining in whatever is playing . If the Pentecostal Choir was the Jesus Jukebox ,  then Jazz is the Devil's own music ,  for it  reaches the  parts  other music cannot reach ,  which is appropriate as  Jazz  and drinking go hand in hand , and why not ?        Jimmy smiled from ear to ear as he saw and listened to the  sound , his one  phone  call had brought all this ,  a band with  1000  years  of experience in it ,  even Methousella would be impressed . Ronnie Scott has finally reached the Midlands ,  he too would have been impressed , only he wasn't there .  Mr Kemp was , he decided on the spot to get Jimmy's Jewish Jazz band to play at the forthcoming Freemasons function .   "Abraham ,  Issac , David , Jossua , Moses , Zac , Saul , " began Jimmy as he  went  around  slapping the band on the back  ,  shaking  his  head  in amazement . "It's ok , its like you said , Catholics are just Jews gone wrong , beside its  for the sake of the children ,  " said Moshae with a smile  ,  before pausing  to play his part in the next tune ,  then breaking off  again  to have a drink , then laughing .            Fr.Shaw came and blessed the band ,  he even had a word or  two for  them in Yiddish ,  he laughed the most went told that Catholics  were just  Jews who'd gone wrong .  From the confessions he heard he knew  just how far wrong Catholics could go !  One of the many cars to be misdirected accidently on purpose towards the childrens' home was a Rolls Royce  .  In the Rolls Royce was a very important man ,  a Japanese man ,  a man  who'd been this way before ,  sixteen years or more before .  By his side was  a man grown fat on the profits of hard work ,  bloody hard work ,  his  name was John Allenby .  As the car went past the Japanese man looked ,  though old his eyesight was still good , wasn't that Wayne the publican . So John Allenby and the Japanese man came in to say hello .            The old Japanese man looked at Wayne , he saw two girls dressed most strangely ,  he noticed a weeping willow of a woman .  He licked  his lips ,  he had remembered the Special Reserve , though he had finished his bottle years ago ,  he still had the empty bottle .  The men in the duffle coats with labels on seem most strange ,  his English had improved  ,  but the  customs  of  the English always seemed to fox him  .  While  the  old Japanese man was thinking of the past ,  the present touched his arm .  It was Fr.Shaw , in perfect Japanese he was welcomed , the mystery of the men in duffle coats was explained . They talked in Japanese . "But how do you a priest know Japanese ? " he asked . "I was a missionary in Africa for years ,  the only company I had was  the radio .  So I started listening to the shortwave , I found Radio Japan and learnt  the language from it .  I even wrote saying it was a pity  I  did not have a cassette thingy otherwise I could record the language  lessons. So they sent me a fancy radio cassette thingy plus some solar cell things, it was very nice of them  , " explained Fr.Shaw . "But Japanese is a very hard language for the English to learn . " "For the English maybe , but I'm Irish , Kerry Irish , from Castleisland . Besides  I am a Jesuit ,  the Samuri of The Church ,  " said Fr.Shaw  from beneath his eyebrows . John Allenby returned from the bar with a bottle of Special Reserve ,Wayne always  had some ready for special friends .  The old Japanese man's  face lit up like a Christmas tree ,  he had a tear in his eye , there was magic in  the  air that day he knew it .  Fr.Shaw knew it  ,  perhaps  he  could persuade  the  Japanese man to invest in the future ,  in the  children  . Fr.Shaw looked around , his gaze fell on Mrs Murphy , her hand immediately went into her pocket .  She would help him ,  no she didn't have a gun  in her pocket ,  but he was glad to see her do it .  Her pocket breathed , it jumped ,  it was as if there was a frog inside it . The only frog inside , was a  pair  a frog rosary beads , a friend had brought  them  back  from Lourdes for Mrs Murphy .  With one hand in her pocket Mrs Murphy had begun to pray ,  her other hand held a Guinness ,  but what of it ,  she  prayed anywhere . The look on Fr.Shaw's face told her to pray , so pray she did , even if it did look as if she had a frog in her pocket .           The Jazz band played in one corner of the grounds ,  a refreshed Pentecostal Choir sang in another , people bet and drank . Ken the Postman Pat  arrived  and  the kids got on his nerves .  While all  this  went  on around the childrens' home , at the eye of the storm were Mrs Murphy , and Fr.Shaw wrestling in Japanese .              After the seventh hundreth time being called Postman Pat , Ken had developed a twitch again ,  so he decided to hide in the crowd  .  The children thought it was just a great game , so they followed him , but Ken was  very light footed .  First he hide in the beer tent ,  he downed  two pints of Guinness and one of bitter , then he borrowed one of the Real Ale men's duffle coat .  So he was undetectable ,  or so he thought  ,  Mathew brought him an enormous sandwich with compliments from Big Sid . "It's fun being Postman Pat , I wish I could do that . " said Mathew . "All that glitters is not gold , " was Ken's sage reply . "Yes you are right , sometimes its Cadbury's chocolate , " observed Mathew as he went away . Ken scratched his head and wondered what that meant , sometimes he thought Mathew wasn't simple at all ,  just too deep for understanding ,  Ken  had now had his fourth pint . He belched , the contented belch of a happy man.            One enterprising child stood in the doorway or flap  rather  of the beer tent , she tapped her foot and folded her arms in disgust , fancy Postman Pat drinking even if he wasn't the real Postman Pat .  She  tapped her foot again , as she tapped more and more children gathered , they were like Red Indians surrounding the settlers .  Her foot tapping was like the drums beating , behind her Big Sid and Mark's pig roast provided the smoke signals .  One by one the duffle coated army turned to see why there was a crowd of children in the entrance . "I'll count to ten , then we're coming for you , " shouted the little Miss Ken looked around in alarm ,  he bolted like a frightened deer ,  breaking from  his camouflage of a duffle coat .  He had forgotton to take his  hat and sack off ,  so it wasn't very good in the first place . As Ken ran out the back entrance the children stormed through the tent in hot pursuit , they patted their mouths making the best Red Indian noises they could .           From his grandstand postion by the food Big Sid's chest  swelled with pride , how nice Ken was being just for the sake of the children . "He's a good un is our Ken , " said Sid . "He's a fine fellow that's sure , " added Mark . Ring a ring of roses a pocket full of posees , ashes in the water ashes in the sea ,  and we all fell down . First Ken ran one way around the crowd , then turning on his heels as he did when he saw dogs on his round , he ran the other way .  Round and round the garden like a teddy bear ,  one  step two  steps  ,  ran Ken like the bear running away from Teddy  Roosevelt  . Goosey goosey gander where shall I wander , unstairs and downstairs and in my lady's chamber . It was as if all the worse parts of Nursery Rhymnes , were coming to pass ,  and Ken was the victim .  Go up into the attic , go down  into the cellar ,  you can do them both together Cinderella  .  When over one hundred and fifty children are chasing you ,  you tend to imagine all sorts of things . Ken shook them off by diving into the ladies loo .             Which  way  did he go ,  did you see a princess  ?  I  saw  no princess just a servant ,  she was dressed in rags , she did not look like a princess , replied the guards in their high hats and blue stockings . A scream went up ,  a battered Ken emerged from the ladies loo ,  Mrs Kemp was leading the battering , she had a good left hook on her , Henry Cooper would have stood no chance .  "Leave him alone " yelled the children , for a  minute they felt sad for him ,  they closed their eyes and counted  and shouted  to ten ,  then they'd be after him .  With fear in his  eyes  Ken flew , straight into the arms of Wiston . "Help hide me quick ,  " begged Ken ,  his eyes gone wild like balls in  a pin ball machine , only he was losing points not gaining them . Winston  shoved  him into his van and covered him with a coat  ,  Ken  was deafened as the van was the source of the P.A.  and music .  He felt  like the Hunchback of Notre Dame ,  only he was the Postie hiding from the Damn Children , the P.A. , the P.A. .           Mathew came with food from Big Sid and drink from Wayne  ,  they both knew where Ken was ,  in fact all the adults knew ,  but luckily  for Ken  the  children  did not .  The gulf between adults  and  children  was proving to be a lfe saver that day . Hairy Amjit even came to say hello , Ken bribed him with a piece of beef .  Once the beef was eaten hairy Amjit let out a howl and ran away from the van as if he was following Ken . This gave Ken a chance to escape from the sound of music ,  there were no hills just the sound of music .            So while the children ran one way after hairy Amjit ,  Ken  ran the other ,  he was out in the open he had to find cover .  So he went and hid amongst the Jesus Jukebox . Meanwhile Smiling Paul had taken advantage of  this random hare race ,  he was taking bets as to where Ken  would  be found next and how long it would take the kids .  If there was a  sixpence to be made then Smiling Paul would make it and turn it into a shilling . Smiling Paul was excited ,  once he had done a bit of on course betting  , that had been a thrill , but here amongst the crowds it was open season . He  even  had bets on how many people would tie up their shoe laces  in  a given  five  minute period ,  naturally all the Chinese in the  Crowd  had gravitated towards him . There was no kidding them , Smiling Paul may look like an pale  Asterix the Gaul ,  but they could tell ,  he was really  a Chinaman !  Between them they formed a human Nintendo game ,  Smiling Paul firing the ball and it bouncing off all of them ,  their eyes  registering the scores and the near misses .  To bet on Ken was the ultimate bet ,  it was almost a blood sport .             Ken  found his voice amongst the choir ,  he  began  to  enjoy himself ,  he sang his heart out .  Only he had made a slight mistake , he was  the only white man ,  in the West Indian choir ,  children  sometimes cannot  see the wood for the trees but he ws pushing his luck a  little  . The little Miss came and stood in front of the choir ,  she scratched  her head , as the rest of them ran one way then another after hairy Amjit . It is  amazing  what a dog will do for a bribe ,  besides Amjit  liked  being chased .  The little Miss looked all about ,  then she scratched her  head again ,  till slowly she turned around ,  she had him in her sights .  She folded her arms and shook her head ,  he had been caught cheating again  , she  gave him her best policewoman's stare like W.P.C.  Martella  off  The Bill . Ken gulped , he knew the game was up , though he did wriggle on the line ,  he changed his position in the choir .  The little Miss shook  her head  ,  the other children still rushed by ,  one or two  stopped  .  Ken changed  his position in the choir ,  one or two more children stopped  by the choir , the little Miss shook her head again . Hairy Amjit howled , he was trying to distract the children again ,  but it was no use , little by little they all stopped next to the little Miss .           Smiling Paul changed the bet with the Chinese ,  he had a  trick in the tail even if Ken haddn't .  The Chinese took the new bet ,  as  one they  yelled  encouragement  as only the Chinese can  .  Ken  changed  his position  in  the  choir several more times , he was  trying  to  hide  in somebody else's aura .  The little Miss shook her head again and again and again  .  The Jesus Jukebox sang Amazing Grace ,  and the little Miss  who would  one day be a Police Inspector smiled and even laughed ,  Grace  was her name after all , the little girl laughted to see such fun and the dish ran away with the spoon , or rather Ken clutching his bag bolted .            While all this went on Fr.Shaw and the Japanese man wrestled  , their ring was Mrs Murphy's beads ,  a deal was to be had ,  just a little persuasion  was needed . Balbinder ,  Amjit's wife ,  was holding a  Sari dressing competition ,  Ken came running towards her . As quick as a flash Ken was engulfed in a saffron sari ,  though he did look more like a mummy than  an Indian lady .  The children dashed back and forwards ,  they  had lost him . Ken breathed easily for a while , Mathew came with a pint and a straw  for him ,  while Mathew held the drink Ken sipped .  Ken  was  very thirsty what with all the running about ,  so Mathew brought another  pint and a straw ,  when you drink through a straw you get drunk fast ,  as  no air is mixing with the drink .  Perhaps the same thing happens with babies and mothers milk , no air just pure milk , so babies like drunks have that wide  eyed  happy  expression  .  Whatever the truth of  it  Ken  was  now dribbling like a baby .            Little  miss Grace stopped and let her eyes do  the  walking  , perhaps  she'd sell Yellow Pages in the future ,  if she wasn't  a  Police Inspector  ,  who knows ?  Soon she spotted him ,  his hat and  sack  were engulfed in saffron but the Postman Pat look could not be be hidden  ,  he looked  as  if he was covered in saffron cling film to keep  him  fresh  . Balbinder  saw little miss Grace ,  she whispered in Ken's ear ,  on  the count  of  three .  With a mighty heave ,  like a crack of a  whip  ,  Ken rippled  out  of  his covering and spun like a top  , he  glided  like  a Birmingham  Royal  Ballet dancer ,  straight through a gap in  the  massed ranks  of the duffle coated Real Ale  drinkers .  It was only a small  gap but  Ken spun through it ,  Balbinder had put a lot of spin on her pull  , she  had recently been bowling at Stirchley ,  now the technique had  been put to good use . Ken was safe .        "After him ! " yelled Grace just like the Wicked Witch of the West. The  hoards of children stormed through the gap ,  Ken's very life was  at stake now ,  Balbinder crossed her fingers for him .  Go Ken ,  go  .  The Chinese  screamed too ,  they had just lost another bet to Smiling Paul  , but the excitement of it all , it was too much . Ken had more lives than a cat  ,  the  lucky dog .  Frank was displaying a carpet just as  Ken  came hurtling through the duffle coats , Ken fell , the children would tear him linb from limb . Oh no they wouldn't , oh yes they would , you wanna bet , show  me your money ,  Smiling Paul took another hundred .  Frank  quickly wrapped  Ken  up in the carpet ,  just as sweets used to be wrapped  in  a paper cone , now it was a carpet of Ken . Then with a heave Ken was thrown into the back of Franks furniture van .             Ken had disappeared off the face of the earth ,  alliens  must have taken him , so though the kids .   At  that  moment  a  Rolls   Royce appeared , Andy was driving , he parked next to the Japanese man's Rolls . There were newly weds inside , the bride had been brought up at the home , so she had insisted in coming back to say hello . June let go of Patrick , it was lucky to catch the bouquet , she was going to catch it , by hook or by crook that bouquet was hers . Smiling Paul saw the look in June's eye , she looked just like her mother for a second .           Smiling Paul took bets  on who would catch the bouquet  ,  the Chinese nearly wet themselves with excitement , he really must be Chinese   they were sure of it ! June whispered something in hairy Amjit's ear , she had  promised him a whole tube of Rolo ,  Amjit's soul was hers .  So  the wolf  behowled  the moon and the sea of people parted ,  the  bouquet  was thrown and June caught it ,  she had the prize , and the hairy dog laughed to see such fun , and ran away with a tube of Rolo .             Everybody was having a fun day ,  everybody that is except  for Martin , he'd been diverted to the fair too . He'd seen all the fun , he'd seen Jimmy and the Jazz band too ,  it was Jimmy's son's fault that he was short of cash .  So some poxy childrens' home was making all this dough  , while he barely  had enough for his habbit . Martin noticed Smiling Paul's bulging briefcase , there must be a few thousand in it . Martin looked all around people were crowding around the Rolls with the bride and groom in . Martin had an idea ,  his duffle coat was a great disguise , all he had to do was grab the money , he could hide amongst the massed ranks of the Real Ale men .             So  it  was  that Martin won against  all  the  odds  . Only Jaswinder had seen him , she scrambled after  him . He saw her and tripped over his shoe lace ,  the shoe came off . Smiling Paul wiped his face with a handkerchief ,  it had been a great day ,  the best day in his life . He may  as well start counting his money .  Martin was already  counting  his chickens before they had hatched , he'd lost a shoe but gained thousands . "Where's the suitcase gone ! " asked a panic stricken Smiling Paul . "That man took it , " said Jaswinder . "Which one love , " asked Paul urgently . "The one in the duffle coat , " said Jaswinder . "There's a lot of duffle coats Jaswinder  ,  "  said Paul trying  to  stay calm . "He called me a Wog when I saw him  , " said Jawinder starting to cry . "Don't cry Jaswinder , " sighed Paul . The Chinese looked sad , they had had so much fun and this should happen , it was not fair . One of them noticed the shoe on its own . "Who's shoe is this , " asked a confused Chinaman . "The  man in the duffle coat lost it ,  he swore at me too ,  "  explained Jaswinder beginning to cry again . "We've no chance of catching him now , not in all the crowd , " said a sad Smiling Paul . The massed ranks of the children ran by still searching for Ken ,  Fr.Shaw and the Japanese man still spoke in Japanese ,  in a Black Country field . June  and  Patrick  were kissing again ,  Big Sid  was  feeding  the  five thousand  ,  though not with five loaves and two fishes  .  Everybody  was happy ,  Martin was very happy ,  yet in one quite corner there was a  sad bookie , he'd had the happiest day of his life now it was spoiled . As for hairy  Amjit  he'd sold his soul for a tube of Rolo ,  but if  the  sinner truly repent there is always hope , hope beyond reason , hope beyond hope.           Hairy Amjit came to lick Jaswinders tears away ,  just who  had hurt his little Indian Princess ,  upset her and you upset him . He sat in front of her , his ears down . One of the Chinese suggested half heartedly that perhaps the animal could find the man ,  they had his shoe though  he was no Cinderella ,  he was a thief ,  the worst kind of thief ,  who  had stolen from children , and a bookie .          Jaswinder gave hairy Amjit the shoe to smell ,  then she said  the one word that all dogs the world over love to hear . "Fetch Amjit , fetch , " said Jaswinder wiping a tear away . Amjit looked at her , he licked the tear away , then his ears pricked up . The  hare  may have a head start put this hound was on  the  trail  . As one  the Chinese leapt for joy ,  there was another bet to be made  ,  how many seconds before the thief was caught . They thrust money into  Smiling Paul's hands ,  he didn't understand it , they were shouting and screaming in Chinese , it was like Black Monday on the Hong Kong stock exchange .            Amjit let out a blood curdling howl , birds scattered from trees and babies began to cry , people spun around , Martin began to sweat . The wolf was after Little Red Riding Hood ,  come to me my precious precious , Amjit licked his lips ,  he stopped to sniff the air .  Howl , howl , howl he went , there was flavour in the air , there was joy , there were kisses of  love and laughter .  There was hope and there was fear ,  Amjit  could smell the fear , that was the scent he was after . The Chinese leapt every time Amjit howled ,  they were his echo , they were his cheer leaders from behind ,  they were the pack while he was the dog .  Every dog has his day and today was Amjit's , howl , howl , howl he went .             The sea of duffle coats parted ,  the Pentecostal  Choir  sang Lord of the Dance .  The words rang out , its hard to dance with the Devil on  your back ,  Martin knew what that meant ,  he really knew  ,  he  was sweating buckets now . Amjit sniffed several of the duffle coated men , no the duffle coat was not the main scent ,it was the thieving  Cinderella's shoe he was after .  Ba ba black sheep have you any wool ,  yes sir ,  yes sir  three bags full ,  echoed over the field .  The Jazz men  played  The Devil's got my Soul , Amjit had sold his soul for a tube of Rolo , but now he  wanted it back ,  and the money for the childrens' home too .  Howl  , howl howl he went .  Martin began to run , his heart began to pound , fear was about him . He had given him self away , Amjit howled for joy , in the distance  other dogs echoed his howl ,  there was fear in the  air  ,  and Amjit was about to eat it .  Amjit leapt ,  Martin spun around , Amjit had bitten  a peice from his duffle coat .  The next bite would be  him  ,  so Martin shoved the briefcase down Amjit's throat .           "Heel , Amjit , heel , sit ! " shouted Patrick , who thought his dog had gone wild . Martin escaped ,  Amjit sat with the money between his paws . Patrick came running up ,  Smiling Paul and the excited Chinese came running up  .  The stop watch showed the winner of the ultimate bet . "Good  boy ,  good boy ,  " shouted Smiling Paul hugging all  his  Chinese friends . "What's going on ? " asked Patrick . "Amjit  ,  saved the day ,  that man had stolen the money  !  "  explained Smiling Paul . "Oh , " said Patrick his jaw dropping . Patrick said sorry to Amjit ,  and reaching into his pocket he gave  Amjit his last Rolo , Amjit had regained his soul too . "Thanks for your help today , lads " said Smiling Paul . "We  have great day ,  you come with us to Restaurant and Casino in  Hurst Street Birmingham , we would be honoured , " enthused the Chinese . "But why ? " asked a happy Smiling Paul . "We like you , " they all said . Smiling  Paul  began  to cry ,  he' thought he'd lost  all  the  monmey  , including the side bets he'd taken too ,  and now not only had he got  all his money back ,  he'd also made friends .  It was all too much for him  . But that night he'd celebrate like he'd never celebrated before .           Fr.  Shaw spat on his hand and held it out ,  the most important Japanese man  looked at him for a second , then he spat on his hand and they shook hands . A deal had been done just as they do deals at Puck Fair in Fr.Shaw's beloved Kerry .  Mrs Murphy leapt for joy ,  she brought  out her  hand  from her pocket to applaud ,  in doing so she  sent  her  beads flying , they landed on the handshake. "God works in mysterious ways , " said Fr.Shaw . "I thought she had a gun in her pocket , " said the Japanese man . The three of them laughed , but it was the children who had the last laugh because Japan was going to invest in the children's home ,  with computers and  electrical  material  .  Fr.Shaw had begged for second hand  stuff  , instead he got the best .           So the childrens' home fete was a great success ,  everybody was more than happy ,  all except Martin . As for Ken he came out of hiding to hitch  a lift home in the back of a hearse ,  he was dead tired after  all the running around .  The children cheered and waved him goodbye ,  it was the  first  time ever that a hearse had been cheered ,  but  perhaps  ever cloud does have a silver lining .