The Old Lady and the Cat

The Old Lady and the Cat ©

By

Michael Casey

Mrs Toonan liked to go to the cinema, it got her out of the house, and besides she always got free food and drinks by giving her best cat’s eyes to the girl on the kiosk. So the cinema was her once a week treat. The girl on the kiosk nearly got in trouble when the manager found out, but Mrs Toonan smiled and said they’d make such a lovely couple. Instant match making, and henceforth a goodie bag to go home with. So all was well. Mrs Toonan went to see that new Cats film, or fileem as the Irish pronounce it, and she liked it, film reviewers my arse she muttered.

When she got home she fed Totoro some of the hot dogs and popcorn  from the goodie bag, Totoro purred with delight. So with Totoro smiling she fell asleep in her arm chair. Now Mrs Toonan was old, much older than she looked, she had snow white silvery hair like that fat silver haired writer in shades, you know, Michael Casey the Panzi as his Chinese readers call him. Well maybe it was too much hot stuff on her sausage, but Mrs Toonan had a stroke and just could not get herself out of the chair.

Now she could have died right there in the cold and dark house, you see she had not put the central heating on yet, so the house was cold and dark, apart from one small light the kitchen. So Mrs Noonan knew she’d be meeting God soon. So she looked at her Saint Martin de Porres statue by the tv and asked him to at least look after Totoro her cat. Now Saint Martin is very soft, and for a cat and an old lady to die together was not something he wanted to happen.

Totoro you’ll have to get some help, I’ll look after Mrs Noonan said a voice in Totoro’s head. So giving one last look at Mrs Noonan Totoro was away. Totoro knew Mrs Toonan had friends at the cinema, so he’d go to the cinema. So Totoro dashed off to the cinema. Sadly a burglar was prowling the neighbour and he could see Mrs Noonan all alone in the big house. It was perfect.

Mrs Toonan’s house was near the canal, and there were rats aplenty there, but they left her house alone because Totoro the Ninja cat lived there, so they left that house well alone. But now Totoro had raced away so while the cats away the mice will play. Though that is not how it all worked out. Gerry Perry the burglar was ready to hit Mrs Toonan, and the rats were ready too. Though Mrs Toonan prayed to Saint Martin by tv.

Gerry Perry was about to strike to hit an old woman in a chair, who was defenceless after a stroke. The rats arrived and leapt all over him, Saint Martin commanded them to save Mrs Noonan. Gerry Perry screamed and fainted, the rats began to eat his clothes and bite him too, you never hit an old lady in a chair, especially if Saint Martin de Porres lives there.

Meanwhile Totoro ran for his life to save the life of Mrs Toonan, as she ran Totoro asked  his friends to help him get to the cinema, so fat cats, thin cats, lazy cats, big cats, little cats, and multi coloured cats all joined the fluffiest whitest cat of them all TOTORO to the rescue. By the time they got to the cinema there were 100 cats, all screaming in unison. The kiosk girl and the manager knew something was wrong. The queue outside applauded they though it was a stunt for the film, but the kiosk girl and the manager had seen a photo of Mrs Toonan and Totoro before. Quick follow that cat, and the left the cinema racing after the cats. At the cinema everybody bought tickets for the film, and agreed with Mrs Toonan it was good.

Meanwhile the kiosk girl and the manager raced after the cats, a passing police car followed, as Sgt Mulholland just loved cats. Soon the army of cats arrived at Mrs Toonan’s house. The rats raced away chased by all the cat, save for one enormous rat, too fat to race away. The kiosk girl and the manager entered the house, with Sgt Mulholland behind. They saw the burglar all covered in blood and bites, the king rat took an enormous bite out of Gerry Perry’s behind then winking at Totoro and bowing at the statue of Saint Martin de Porres waddled out the kitchen door.

Sgt Mulholland saw the situation at once and cuffed Gerry Perry before the looking at Mrs Toonan. It’s a stroke, I’ll get her to hospital fast, so picking her up as if she were his own dear grandmother Sgt. Mulholland put her in his police car and floored it. He radioed for backup to come and take care of the cuffed Gerry Perry. The police came and took Gerry Perry away. Then the kiosk girl and the manager told Totoro he should come with them till Mrs Toonan came back from the hospital.

Totoro just started to run, but in the direction of the cinema, so soon 200 cats came to join in the fun, and arrived as a 2^nd showing was about to start, CATs come to see cats was what the Internet explained. The kiosk girl and the manager said Totoro has saved the day and had saved Mrs Noonan from a burglar, and the rats had somehow attacked the burglar too. Only Sgt. Mulholland and Mrs Toonan knew the truth, Saint Martin de Porres loves cats and people in equal measure, and it was his pleasure to see a ninja cat called Totoro.