Help
Santa Find His Ho Ho Ho ©2019edit
By
Michael
Casey
Christmas
is a time of Love and Cheer and too many drinks of beer. For Santa
its a time of giving and comes after Thanksgiving, he circles the
Earth sprinkling Love and Laughter and Hope or the hereafter. But
something was wrong, there was a stink and there was a pong, because
Santa had lost his Ho Ho Ho. Santa was Ho Ho Ho less, he couldn’t
even say God Bless when he tucked the Elves up in bed. Rudolf was
sick with worry and knew he’d have to hurry, for without his Ho Ho
Ho the sleigh just would not go.
Rudolf
flew to the North Pole to ask the Polar Bears what to do, but they
had hardly a clue. The Polar Bears suggested Rudolf asked the Eskimos
in Alaska. So Rudolf flew alone to ask the Eskimos in Anchorage what
to do, but even they did not have a clue. So Rudolf had an ice lolly
with the Huskies, they were always kind and playful, especially
Vincent their leader who loved leading, that way he did not have to
look at another dog’s behind as they pulled their sleigh.
Vincent
said try Lapland, so Rudolf went back to Finland to find Santa’s Ho
Ho Ho. Rudolf looked high and low and even places where a reindeer
should never go. Rudolf met a BigFoot hidden in the trees who was
quietly having a wee. Rudolf followed the yellow snow and asked
politely where he should go to find Santa’s Ho Ho Ho. BigFoot was
taken aback, how did you find me? Rudolf explained I have a Red Nose
I can find anything, but yellow pee is a give away for a reindeer
such as me. BigFoot blushed and scratched his head, it really was
time for bed. But before he went to bed this is what he said. My
friend is Nessy the Loch Ness Monster, if you ask her then maybe
she’ll be able to help you find Santa’s Ho Ho Ho.
Rudolf
thanked BigFoot, telling him to eat more peas and that would help
disguise his wees in the snow. And with a glow Rudolf was gone, high
high in the air, almost on a stairway to heaven, though for Santa it
was the opposite, for Santa had lost his Ho Ho Ho. Rudolf flew to
Bonnie Scotland, he got lost and stopped by a bonnie wee house, it
was Robbie Bruce’s. So Rudolf started speaking in Russian and doing
Cossack dancing and all manner of prancing. Robbie came out with a
mug of hot chocolate for Rudolf, he spoke in Russian too, he could go
along with any jest, especially when just wearing his best string
vest. Robbie was mortified when he heard
that Santa had lost his Ho Ho Ho, so he phoned his best friend Nick
Robinson the Radio4 morning gossip show host. Nick Robinson dropped
the phone such was his shock, Christmas with out Santa and his sleigh
and no Ho Ho Ho. Nick shed a tear, then he remembered he had a
friend, not just Robbie Bruce his besty but Olga Takesometimeoff.
Olga
Takesometimeoff was the dinner lady at the BBC, she pushed the tea
trolley for 70 years. The bosses always said she should Take some
time off, so that became her name, Olga Takesometimeoff. Now she knew
everybody, their mums and dads and grandparents too, everybody told
her everything. So when a tear stained Nick Robinson came to her
trolley she took one look at him and slapped his face hard knocking
his glasses off. This is the BBC, WE never cry, we will fight them on
the beaches, we will never never surrender. I said that to Churchill,
and look what did he do? He used MY words in a speech. With that she
explained that she knew the private phone number of the Russian
Ambassador in London.
So Rudolf
armed with the phone number rung the Russian Ambassador, and asked
for his help in finding the Loch Ness Monster. The Ambassador said
he’d help as a special favour to Olga Takesometimeoff, and to
Robbie Bruce now that he worked for RT. So it was arranged that a
Russian mini sub would sneak into Loch Ness and find Nessy for
Rudolf. The Royal Navy were livid when the American’s told them
what was planned.
The
American’s listen to everybody’s phones after all. But Olga
Takesometimeoff may have a Russian sounding name but really her name
was Drake-Nelson, Olga Drake-Nelson. So she did ring up the 1st Sea
Lord who was her grandson. So it would be a chance for the Royal Navy
to play me and my shadow with the Russians, testing some new kit Q
had invented. Yes Q really does exist, he is not just a made up
person in James Bond. Santa had given Q a Chemistry set as a child,
Rudolf said it was dangerous, and Q burnt his eyebrows off. So Q went
to school with painted on eyebrows that his sister had drawn on, just
like Michael Casey the fat silver haired writer in shades did.
So the
Russian’s found the Loch Ness Monster with the Royal Navy watching
their every bubble. Rudolf flew low and landed on the Russian sub
which surfaced so Nessy and Rudolf could chat. Meanwhile in London
the Russian ambassador met for a quiet drink with the foreign
secretary in the Crown. The British were so angry they make the
Russians pay for the Stella Artois, they did pay for the nibbles
though. Both sides had to perform the pantomime that is Diplomacy.
But both men were relieved that Nessy was found, and with the help of
God and 2 foreign navies Santa’s Ho Ho Ho could be found.
They had
tears in their eyes, but the Russian ambassador gave the foreign
secretary a fur hat as an early Christmas present. The foreign
secretary gave a copy of The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker by
Michael Casey to the Russian. Is this a punishment? Joked the
Russian. You should have Mr Casey on RT reading his stories said the
foreign secretary poker faced, to be honest he was not a fan of
Michael Casey, Christmas or no Christmas. Putting his new Russian fur
hat on his head the British foreign secretary left the Crown pub, he
did grab the last of the nibbles though.
Nessy had
lived for ages in the Loch so she had seen Santa Ho Ho Hoing through
the sky for many a year, a 1000 years at least. What Nessy knew was
that it was the Love of the World kept Santa going. But not just the
Love but, the need of Love. So in fact what Santa needed was not Love
but the opposite. He needed a challenge, Norad tracking him was not
enough, the world had grown complacent. Santa needed the world’s
biggest challenge to put fire in his brimstone, to make his cheeks
glow, to make his chest swell.
In
Heaven Mum called Saint Michael to her side, you saved the Russian
spaceman after you saved Mrs Murphy. Saint Michael bowed. Would you
be prepared to stand in for Santa Claus? I am humbled, but there is
only one Santa. Mum smiled, Michael had such humility. But you were
at Stalingrad, you
helped stop the Nazi filth. Saint Michael blushed, he thought nobody
knew. I have a request for you Michael, can you be by Santa’s side
and step in and save the day if you have to? To serve is to obey.
Santa
saddled up the sleigh, Saint Michael was in the back invisible to his
eyes. Rudolf said a prayer and the reindeer leapt from the highest
mountain of the North Pole. The sleigh dropped like a stone. They
would have crashed straight into Nanook of the North’s igloo, but
somewhere in the world a child’s lonely disparate prayer went up. I
just wish I could see Santa before I die, even if I got no present,
not even one grain of rice.
Now that
was the kind of prayer Santa needed to bring back his Ho Ho Ho, the
sleigh rose and rose high into the sky. The red rosy cheeks glowed
redder than Rudolf’s nose. Saint Michael kissed his sword, he knew
he’d be needing it where the were going. Where in the world would a
child long for love, for a grain of rice, for the chance to see
Santa.
North
Korea where love of God had been replaced by the love of war, the
love of nuclear weapons. The love of fear, the land of the note book,
all led by crooked power, not the power of love, but dictatorship
from above. So the reindeer flew without fear, Saint Michael drew his
sword, Santa was on a mission, it was Stalingrad all over again. Evil
must be defeated.
The
reindeer zigged and zagged as missiles flew trying to knock Santa
from the sky. Saint Michael batted them away, he diced and spliced
the evil North Korean missiles away. Santa Ho Ho Hoed the missiles
away, a force field of love and laughter. He had his sack and they
would never sack him. This was his job, his future for all eternity,
he had Saint Michael by his side. The reindeer could feel the child’s
cries, it was coming from the deep. In the deep the metro system.
Hidden away in a secret jail next to the hidden nuclear bombs was a
child jailed and chained to a wall for having a pretty picture of a
Nativity in his pocket.
The
reindeer flew straight down the stairwell bullets flying at them from
the evils guards. Saint Michael spread his wings, Santa ho ho hoed,
Rudolf’s nose was as red as Mercury. And then Saint Michael sang
just as he had sung in Stalingrad, Ave Maria.
The
sleigh landed on a platform and Saint Michael split the cell door in
two with one swipe of his sword. Chained to a wall a child was dying,
clutching the colour photo of the Nativity in his hand. Saint Michael
broke the chains with his bare hands. Santa cried and his tears fell
as grains of rice. The child said thank you as he died in Saint
Michael’s arms. Saint Michael wrapped his wing around the child.
I bring
Peace and Goodwill to all men said Santa as he remounted his sleigh.
And I have a message from Stalingrad to North Korea said Saint
Michael. So as Santa flew back into the sky to continue on his
Christmas journey, Saint Michael shared the Stalingrad spirit. Every
single nuclear weapon in North Korean was hit by his sword, and they
all exploded 300 metres underground.
Carry the
child’s body to heaven Saint Michael left a white trail behind him.
Grains of rice, that Christmas rice fell from the sky onto North
Korea. And in the distance above the muffled sounds of nuclear
explosions underground, you could hear Santa going Ho Ho Ho, as he
and Saint Michael had the last laugh.
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