Dear Donald Letter ©

By 

Michael Casey

                                                                  12^th Aug 2019

Dear Donald,

I know this must be an unexpected honour for you, to get a letter from Birmingham. I know they must all hate you down there, but I’m in Birmingham England, and we pronounce it BERMINGUM. We also spell correctly, we use OUR not OR, so  it’s an  honour for you to get a letter from Birmingham.

Now if you are wondering who I am, just shout up the stairs and ask Barron your youngest son. I’m sure he’s found my website by now, under “surreal stupid stuff from England, to the right of USA” that’s Geographically to the Right, none of your Political stuff, just so you know. We  heard Geography wasn’t one of your strong points.

I have your Grades in front of me, they were stacked in a shoebox next to the furnace for quick disposal, but you kept them for sentimental reasons, and you plan to force your teachers to regrade them or you’ll stop their Pensions and have their medals withdrawn. However my dad used to work next to a Furnace at the District Iron and  Steel Brasshouse Lane Smethwick, so I managed to get hold of the shoebox. I swopped it for some Cadburys’ Fruit and Nut, the chocolate factory is just up the road. I also gave them 2 bags  of Pork Scratchings.

So pardon me while I laugh at your grades, they should have been stored under Fiction. My own brother did Economics, but that was at Cambridge, the one here in England, not in Mass. On the subject of Laugher, I write Humour, which is Comedy but with less frequent laughs, but when they come they are worth the wait.

You’ll have to forgive me a minute while I slap on the Movelat, no Donald it’s not some kinky foreplay. Its Movelat a painkiller gel I use for my arthritis. Though I could slap your bare legs with a wet lettuce, if you don’t behave, as Larry Grayson used to do with Pop it In Pete his Postman, I bet you feel you’re drinking now. It’s just the British Humour, ring John Cleese if you are confused. He was at Downing Cambridge too just like my brother, is your intellectual ego battered now, never mind. God will pray for you.

I did like Melania’s new frock, when she gets bored with it she can send it to England in the Diplomatic bag, Megan Markle has a charity where old frocks are given to people so they can look good at interviews . Maybe Melania’s old frock can help somebody become a classroom assistant.

I noticed too that you are having a new wall around the White House, you should be knocking down walls and building bridges, especially the state the infrastructure is. I’m sure the preacher and sons of preachers will all tell you this, or Dusty Springfield, you may have met her in the past. Tom Jones sung with  everybody, you have played golf with everybody.

Me I used to play golf in Abegele Wales with my brother, nowadays my old neighbour who was a policeman for 30 years he is now a groundsman  at a golf course here in Birmingham. So if ever you come to Birmingham, the one in England then if I have a word maybe my groundsman friend he can get you a round on the golf course, though you may have to get up early to squeeze you in. But the green fee will be half price if you play around early.

Walking around might be too much for me, so I’ll wait in the chip shop, so we can get the first  frying of chips and saveloy, they’ll be piping hot for when you finish your round of golf. I’ve got Trevor the local vicar to pair with you, he’d the only person I know who gets up so early. He cheats all the time, and curses like a Furnaceman, well because he used to be a furnaceman. He nearly got burned to death, but somehow he survived, so he said he’d become a Priest. God works in mysterious ways. But one warning, if you take the Lord’s name in vain he’ll slap the back of your legs with wet lettuce. He’s a very big Larry Grayson fan, so be warned.

I have bought a fresh box of Tetley tea ready for when you come and visit my home. I know you are all Americans but I’m not sharing my Kenco Instant Coffee with anybody, I should cocoa. So suffer tea and be done with it, you didn’t moan when the Queen gave you Tetley tea did you? I don’t have a teapot so a bag in your mug will have to do, I don’t have teacups either. I do have 20 litres of fresh Warley Woods Vodka, Lech, Boris and Gregorgi  left it, so I’ll be using that in place of sugar. I’m sure the boys in the Secret Service will appreciate that.

I’ll finish now as I have to go to bed with Taylor Swift, Mylie Cyrus, Katie Perry, and Will Young. Yes it’s a very big bed, but I have Tinnitus so their voices are not my vices. Singing drowns out the hiss, till sleep finally gets me. So  good night Donald and will you review my 19^th book? It will be called The 19^th Hole and I should be finished by Christmas 2019 or maybe a bit later. Please don’t cut Barron’s 10 dollars a week pocket money as a punishment for reading my websites, he’s just a very tall teenager. Who knows one day he may become a Priest, God works in mysterious ways after all.