Bringing Out the Tramp in You

Bringing Out the Tramp in You ©

By

Michael Casey

Gertrude was a big bubbly girl, maybe a bit too loud, some thought she was a bit of a tramp. Her dad David hoped and prayed she was not, being a Single Dad was hard, he was lucky he could work the hours he wanted, and then raise his daughter single handedly. You see Penny his wife had been killed when a dustcart had backed into her and she fell inside and was compacted. He was crushed by what happened, but spent the compensation on a brand new taxi, so he could support their beautiful daughter Gertrude. Obviously he spoilt her, and she grew fatter, or big and bubbly as girls say.

So David worked the hours around Gertrude’s school times, but now Gertrude was all grown up, too grown up judging by her dress size, but how could a Single Dad refuse his daughter? At least she was always safe when it was time to come home from a late night, David was always there with his taxi to bring her safely home. So Gertrude gained friends because there was a safe taxi to take them home.

Behind her back her friends could sometimes be cruel, and call her a slapper, because she always kissed any boy. But she did stop there, before any hands strayed too far. She had promised her dad, in front of the urn or her mum’s compacted ashes that she’d save herself for the one that would make her dead mum proud. So she wasn’t really a slapper after all.

One night they were up Broad Street the 6 of them, and they ran to get in the Night Club before it was full, a Love Island winner was there, so the place was heaving, while the Love island girl pocketed £10,000  appearance money for one night’s “work”. Gertrude slipped and broke her shoe, she would have fallen into the gutter and been looking at stars, only a strong but smelly hand grabbed her. It was Sam, the future love of her life, and winner of her heart and everything else.

The problem was that Sam was a tramp, and Gertrude was about to scream for the bouncers to rescue her when she noticed his eyes. His eyes were pure hazel, and despite the smell it was his eyes that overpowered her. In that one second, Cupid had shot his arrow. Gertrude said thanks, and reached into her purse and sprayed him. It was that new spray to spray your pooh recently advertised on tv. But Sam really did smell so bad, so he needed it. Sam just smiled his thanks, Cupid didn’t shoot any arrows, but Saint Valentine did.

Gertrude went into the Night Club, all the bouncers knew her, they knew David her dad the taxi man after all. Gertrude went around collecting kisses, it was the weekend after all. But nobody would get her treasure, she had promised her dad in front of her mum’s compacted ashes after all. That tramp was on her mind, why she did not know, but Cupid and Valentine did, Sam may be in the gutter but with the love of a good woman he could reach for the stars and fly amongst them.

So Gertrude hatched a plan. A kiss for an item of clothing. First a pair of flashy shoes. Gertrude was going to do this all on her own,but her friends had seen a few tasty men. So after a bit of snogging, Gertrude had gathered a complete change of clothes for Sam. Once she was in Guildford and it was too hot so she had gone into Zara and bought a complete change of clothes. But that cost money, now 2^nd hand and still warm clothes just cost a kiss. They were getting the clothes off the boys, it was fun, they did it on Love Island, so why not do it on Broad Street Birmingham England, though now the clothes would go to Sam.

They say that clothes maketh the man, and Sam was all man. Once all the clothes were collected Gertrude went outside and told Sam to strip. If you are in the gutter and 6 girls command you to take your clothes of what would you do. Sam obeyed. The girls blocking a shop doorway to give him some privacy, from everybody but them. Sam pulled all his jumpers and trousers off, to reveal a very strong body. But then all 6 screamed, he had a very nasty scar all along his back. He’d been stabbed in the past, only Heartlands Hospital had saved him. At that moment Gertrude’s defences came tumbling down, she just had to love him, to mother him. The scar man was her man, her womb tingled, this was the one. Then Sam was sprayed by all 6 girls with every potion they had. Only then was he given the clothes, they weren’t rubbish clothes either. If the boys in the club wanted the best snog ever they would have to donate their very best clothes.

Then they told Sam to hold out his hand and all six of them spat in his hand, he was told to rub it into his hair. In a flash Doreen leapt forward and gave him a haircut and beard trim, she was a master hairdresser, people begged to have her do their wedding hair, now in a doorway off Broad Street, a tramp was being transformed into a Prince. When Doreen had finished they all stepped back to see the transformation, ---- me, they all said instinctively, the kind of language ladies should never use. But Cupid and Valentine had been working overtime, with a little help from Doreen and the clothes stolen with kisses.

Then Sam went into the night club, the Love Island winner was so jealous, Gertrude just mouthed “too bad he’s mine”. Then the Devil or was it Cupid and Saint Valentine must have been in Gertrude, she kissed Sam like there was no tomorrow. He could have everything, every day of the week. Now the Night club needed a washer upper, so Sam became the glass washer in the back. He was back in the real world now. All because he had saved Gertrude from falling over.

She had fallen for him literally, and now he was her’s and she was his. Soon the Night Club owner realised why should he pay Love Island people appearance money, Sam was soooo good looking. So Sam came out from back of house to front of house. Sam’s life had been turned around.

Gertrude married Sam, and they was a parade of taxis along Broad Street. Now sometimes couples argue, so when they did Sam would strip naked and lie on the carpet covered in newspaper. How could Gertrude be angry with him for long, for he reminded her where she had found him, in the gutter covered in paper. So she would strip naked too and join him amongst the newspaper on the floor. And that’s where their children were conceived, on the floor covered in newspaper.