Just the way you are

Just the way you are ©

 By

Michael Casey

Moses was tall and gangly, people used to laugh at him and call him beanstalk. Some even picked on him, he was regularly bullied, and had his teeth chipped after fights. Where’s your staff Moses, make the Red Sea part was a common remark. Only his Nan loved him, and the little girl opposite, she felt pity for him. It was all so unfair. His Nan was forever taking him to the dentist, but at least they didn’t pull all his teeth, then he’d look like his Nan even more, with false teeth. No, Moses got gold fillings, a fist full of gold fillings, because he’d had fists in his mouth.

Sharon as the little girl opposite, she smiled and told him he looked great with his gold teeth. Really was Moses’s reply. And that is how they became friends. On one visit to the dentist he picked up a Readers Digest, he just flicked though it. Then one item caught his attention, so on the way out he asked the receptionist could he have it, a ten year old copy of the Readers Digest. When he got home he read the article over and over again. He then went over the road to show Sharon.

Self Defence, with Judo John. It was all about how to use an attacker’s weight against them and so defend yourself. And that is how Moses and Sharon discovered each other. By throwing and grappling with each other, it was fun and they were good. Over a period of months they learnt the basics. Then they went to the old Spring Hill Library and got all the old Judo John books out. They began slowly and read them cover to cover. Judo John was an Olympic Champion many years ago. As they read they practiced, and with each practice they got better and better and love grew between then as they flung each other all over the place. They would laugh as snot dripped from their noses, as their socks fell down and as they had to tuck in their shirts and blouses. They didn’t really know it but they were falling deeply in love.

As they practiced in the back garden they listened to Barry White on a cassette radio play. It covered the noise of them grunting and groaning as they grabbled. After a couple of years of this both of them had put on lots of muscles, Moses was no longer gangly he was bulky now too. And yes the bad boys did try to bully him one last time, only he knew a bit of Judo now. So he threw them into the dustbins, and Sharon who felt so empowered now defended her man, she stood by her man and threw a bully or two into the dustbins too. 4 bullies against Moses and Sharon did not stand a chance. The word got out at school, and nobody ever troubled Moses again, now his nickname was Jaws after the James Bond villain.

Fate took a hand now, the school was a sports academy, so one day some Judo guys turned up. Moses was shy, but the school blurted out about how Moses and Sharon had sorted the bullies. The Judo guys smiled, and Moses and Sharon were asked to step forward. After a few minutes of grabbling with the Judo experts, the experts smiled even more. If there was a grading both would get a good grade and possibly a Brown Belt immediately. Where did you learn they were asked, so they confessed they had read the Judo John books while listening to Barry White. The entire school laughed at them , the Judo guys did not. In fact Judo John was the grandfather of one of the team, and guess what he loved Barry White too.

So Moses and Sharon got free tuition at one of the back street Judo schools in the city centre, in exchange for a bit of tidying up. And  that was how they learnt their trade. Moses was quickly a Black Belt and so was Sharon shortly afterwards. They raced up the belts, and their confidence grew and grew. They were worried about what to do after school, but they were offered the business when the owner retired. So Moses and Sharon Judo School appeared in small letters under JUDO. They laughed that they had never left school. And their love just grew and grew. Moses’s Nan had raided her pension pot and re-mortgaged her house to help buy the business, but soon she was repaid. A female teacher was a selling point.

After practice Moses would wash Sharon and Sharon would wash Moses, very Oriental, and yes sometimes Barry White influenced them too much, I can’t get enough of you baby, as they made love on the practice mats. They were engaged by now, but there was never a baby, Sharon did not mind, she had Moses and that was enough. But secretly Moses wanted to be a dad, what was the point in life if you don’t have kids.

Now what do Martial Arts people do in the evening, well they work security at clubs, drinking Hot Chocolate, and yes they loved that music too. Where they worked there was never any trouble, Moses was 6feet 4inches and 120 kilos of total muscle by now. Sharon had a pony tail and blonde hair, just like Theresa May’s body guard lady, she was always smiling because she had here Man, and she was his Lady. They loved Lionel’s Lady my Sweet lady too. All in all they had a happy life, though Moses pretended he did not mind not being a dad.

Now in clubs the girls dance around the handbags, or designate the fattest girl to mind them the most, as she drinks her lemon and lime alone as they dance. Now Moses spotted the girl and spoke into his radio, do you mind if I dance with another lady tonight, just this once? Sharon looked around and knew what he was going to do. You do know I am a Black Belt 4^th Dan? Yes, and you can tie me to our bed with it tonight, after you take my Black Belt 7^th Dan off my naked body. Sharon laughed aloud.

Moses smiled at the girl guarding the handbags, would you care to dance? Theresa looked up, she nearly fainted so he picked her up and carried her to the middle of the dance floor he, then held her in his arms, and now she was his lady. The other girls nearly fainted, Moses was the absolute hunk of the hunkiest, and he was dancing with Theresa. Sharon was not to be outdone so she picked a fat boy and led him to the dance floor. Sharon was a big girl but totally curvaceous, and she knew how to move. Everybody stopped to watch Sharon and the fat boy and Moses and Theresa. Then Moses bent and kissed Theresa’s hand, they swopped partners, Moses danced with Sharon, and Theresa danced with Kevin, for that was his name. Barry White was singing, Can’t Get enough of your Love Babe. And that was how Theresa met the boy of her dreams Kevin.

An opportunist thought he’d steal from the pile of handbags, only small Peter was also working that night. Peter was less than 5 feet tall, but he had a 56 inch chest after years of Judo. So the would be thief laughed at “titch” only to find himself on the floor. He was ejected and banned for life. Kevin and Theresa were so happy, they both thought they’d just be watching handbags all their life, but this was the beginning of something big.

Theresa and Kevin were made for each other, so obviously they told everybody they knew, and fat people always have lots of friends, even if they lack boyfriends or girlfriends. So more and more people came to the club in the hope of finding the one true love. Moses and Sharon thought they’d help things along, so it became a feature, Moses would dance with a girl who’d been abandoned to the handbags. And Sharon would grab a boy who’d been hiding in a corner pretending he didn’t mind. Barry White of course played his part too, Baby We better Try and get it together, was very popular, as well as It may be Winter outside but in my heart it’s Spring. Sharon and Moses picked 2 lonely people, and then they got it on with each other. John Travolta in Pulp Fiction would have died for it. Watching Moses and Sharon was electric, and then the whole dance floor filled and heaved. Afterwards the bar was flooded, dancing was so thirsty everybody needed a drink.

Eventually the club had a “Big Girls Don’t Cry” night, dancing for boys and girls of the bigger dimensions. Everybody was happy, things could not be any better. But Fate always steps in. One of the boys who bullied Moses years before came to town after he’d got out of Jail. By chance he heard about Moses, it was his friend been barred for life.

So that night with evil in his heart Barry came to hurt Moses, why this happens you’ll have to watch a BBC documentary, or a ITV daytime tv show. Barry weaved his way through the dance floor, something shinny in his hand, he had 2 others on either side flanking him. It was he night Theresa got engaged to Kevin as she descended the stairs from the toilets she saw what was afoot.

Theresa was a teacher so she knew how to scream. FAT GIRLS ON THE DANCE FLOOR, Kevin was also a teacher, a P.E. teacher so he knew how to scream too. He knew Theresa needed help, he felt it, he just knew. So he screamed too, FAT BOYS ON THE DANCE FLOOR.

The dance floor flooded and Moses was swept away by a flood of sweaty fat bodies, Sharon could see what was happening now. She had seconds to save her Moses before he’d be in a wicker basket coffin. So she grabbed “titch” Peter and threw him through the crowd. Barry was tumbled, the assassins were rumbled. Fat Girls to the left, fat Boys to the right. Then they all Irish danced towards the assassins. The Lard was in the frying pan and it was time to spit and hiss and burn. They may be fat, but they were all Dancing Queens, they high kicked their way over the dance hall. Moses their leader and they would defend him. In short Barry and his 4 henchmen were Irish Dance Kicked into submission. Never under estimate a fat girl EVER.

Moses and Sharon embraced. The Police came and took Barry his four friends away. The Police also booked the club for their works do too. Maybe it was the sense of relief that Moses and Sharon felt, or whatever reason, but that night Sharon conceived. After that all Moses had to do was look at Sharon and she got pregnant. They could not decide how many kids to have, but as Moses was a Black Belt 7^th Dan, they decided 7 was a good number. And if you are all wondering if this tale is true, well kind of. Because one of this writer’s earliest memories is being bounced on Moses’s knee as he smiled his smile full of gold fillings at me.