for my Polish, Ukrainian and Russian readers especially
but first of all a ghost story from Poland
Lech The Altar Boy and The Ghost ©
By Michael Casey
Lech was an
altar boy in Cracow, this writer was an altar boy too but that was in
Birmingham in the 1960s and 1970s, they do have one thing in common and
that was Ghosts. Lech was big and strong and he’d punch anybody who said
serving Mass was for mothers’ boys, he had a Faith as strong as he was.
And besides he liked dressing up and carrying candles, it was fun and
was very theatrical, especially the orb thing that you put charcoal in
and the priest adds incense to, they you get to shake it all about. It
was a kind of very smelly high, smoke everywhere.
Lech was
always the last boy to finish after the Mass or Benediction or the
Funeral or whatever it was, because Fr. Thomas also shared a cigarette
with him when nobody was looking. Fr. Thomas had been in the Missions
and had come home to Cracow to die, he had picked up a few diseases
while abroad and as Cracow had a good hospital the Bishop brought him
home to serve in a small church so Fr. Thomas could be close to a
hospital. The Bishop also happened to be Fr. Thomas’s friend from 50
years before when they were at school together. Fr. Thomas had beaten a
bully, in fact he had knocked seven shades of, well you know the next
word, so no need to say it. So Fr. Thomas had saved the future Bishop
and that’s why they became friends.
Lech
reminded Fr. Thomas of himself, a big strong lad who was afraid of
nothing, so that’s why they shared a cigarette when both should not. Fr.
Thomas knew Lech would never be a priest, he’d be a father sure, but
not a Fr. more like a father of 10. Lech was a magnet for girls, girls
of all ages, 16 to 160 years old, they all thought he was so pretty,
he’d tempt anybody even some of the statues of the saints scattered
around the church.
It was just
after Lech and Fr. Thomas had finished their cigarette one Thursday
evening that Fr. Thomas collapsed, Lech caught him in his arms and saw
the life slip away from him. Fr. Thomas gasped for breath but as he was
dying he said “if I was a father a real father, you would have been the
perfect son for me, just promise me you’ll give up smoking” Lech
promised he’d give up the cigarettes and Fr. Thomas died with a smile on
his lips. Fr. Thomas had died a “father”, with a son called Lech who
was as big as and as strong as an Ox.
Fr.
Thomas’s funeral stopped Cracow, everybody came , priests galore, and
everybody had a good time, Lech was the chief altar boy and he was given
the honour of reading the passage from the Bible about Lazarus being
raised from the dead and Jesus cried for his friend.
After the
burial all the were gathered around chatting, and having a crafty smoke,
priest and nurses are devils for a cigarette, but you know that
already. Lech was going to join in, but he could hear a voice in his
head, promise me you’ll never smoke, it was almost as if Fr. Thomas was
standing behind him. He had the cigarette lit in his hand, so instead he
stubbed it out and put it in his pocket.
At times of
stress or sadness, we may all hear or see voices or shadows, or echoes
or reflections, its normal when your mum dies, or when your favourite
dog dies, you may hear it bark and so on. In Lech’s case whenever he
reached for a cigarette he could hear Fr. Thomas’s voice, he could hear
him asking him to promise not to smoke.
Once he
looked up from the cigarette in his hand and he thought he could see Fr.
Thomas’s, reflection in the presbytery’s kitchen window, he spun around
only nobody was there. If it was cannabis he could have explained it,
but since Fr. Thomas’s death he had kept his promise not to smoke, he
had always heard Fr. Thomas’s voice in his head just as he was about to
put any cigarette of any kind to his lips.
This went
on for 2 years, he could light a cigarette but as soon as he was about
to put it to his lips the Voice the Advice from a Dead Priest was in his
head. Finally he threw his cigarette lighter into the river that ran
through Cracow, only as he was so angry at the dead priest he miss-threw
it and it hit a girl on the side of her head and she fell in the
street.
Karolina
was her name and she was a nurse who smoked like the devil, or she did
till Lech picked her up from the gutter in the street. She was so angry,
yet so beautiful, wouldn’t you be if an oaf, an ox had hit you with a
cigarette lighter. Lech took out his dirty snotty handkerchief and held
it against her head to stop the bleeding. As he apologised he looked
into Karolina’s eyes and she looked into his, what would you do if you
were a Polish girl from Cracow and a huge hunk was looking into your
eyes. Well tell me, tell me right now, or I’ll stop the story. STOP.
Ok, I
stopped the story while I had a drink of water, Girls have you made up
YOUR mind, what would you do to Lech? She battered him, but all the time
he held his dirty snotty handkerchief to her wound, he had to stop the
bleeding after all. Then she laughed and laughed, then she kissed him
more and more. Only a fool would behave in such a fashion taking
everything she threw at him, be it blows or kisses but all the time
holding a filthy rag at her face to stop the bleeding.
The church
was still open so Lech suggested they go back and she could wash her
face. He also said she could go to confession to ask for forgiveness for
beating him, then they started laughing again. It turned out she was
single and that her boyfriend had dumped her when he found out just
before getting engaged that she could not have children. Lech was angry
and cursed him whoever he was, he even offered to beat the living
daylights out of him. Karolina lost her heart to him at that very
second.
In church
one of the confessionals had a light on so Karolina went inside to have
Confession while Lech went to find the first aid kit. Cracow confessions
are very quick, to the point and quick. Inside the priest said all you
have to do is give up smoking, and then you’ll find a husband. Lech is a
nice boy Karolina. I absolve you, and for your penance you must promise
never to beat your husband Lech again. Karolina was dumbfounded, how
did the priest know all about it.
Lech came
back with the first aid kit and tended to Karolina’s wounds, she said
you have to go to confession now I’ve just been, so after putting a
final plaster on her hear Lech went to Confession. Lech was about to
confess when he heard the familiar voice of Fr. Thomas telling him he
should marry Karolina, but he should stop throwing cigarette lighters
about or he could really hurt somebody. As for having children, Michael
Casey the Birmingham writer who translates into Polish, well he asked
Padre Pio for a wife and children, but he left it all up top God. So
Lech just leave it all up to God.
Lech left
the confessional as white as a sheet, as if he had seen a ghost. He
looked at Karolina, I will marry you and we will leave it up to God to
see if we have children. Karolina got up from her seat and pointed, Lech
spun around and there was Fr. Thomas was walking into the sacristy, he
was arm in arm with another Cracow priest, Karol was his name in life.
Lech and
Karolina got married as soon has her wound was healed on her head. She
only ever had two pregnancies, triplets, three girls, then quads four
boys, making 7 children in all. Because when asked in the Bible how many
times you should forgive, 7 times? NO 77x 7 times. Karolina forgave him
7 times, and that was enough for both of them.
***** this story could be likened to a K drama which I love****
Worth more than Vodka ©
By
Michael Casey
Now some things are worth more than Gold, like friendship, or a gun if you are a hunter, but to be worth more than Gold? For Lech, Boris and Gregorgi for anything to be worth more than Vodka? They were visiting me the other day, they said it was just to see if I was looking after Totoro the cat properly. They had a new still in Warley Woods, so to kill to birds with one stone they popped by. Their friend at NASA who knew Esther’s son the satellite guy, he’d started to send them texts with news from the stills. Some billion dollar technology, being used to make sure the Vodka was just right. Don’t ask me how, ask that nice lady Dr who created the Smiley image of a Black Hole. Only somebody as bright as her could explain, I cannot, the only black hole I know I’m sitting on.
So the boys stocked up my cupboards with enough soup and beans to last a siege, then whistling Tchaikovsky they were gone. They were gone until darkness fell, they were panting, and Lech had something under his sheepskin. It was a baby with the umbilical still attached. Quick ring a doctor, he almost looked scared. I reached for the phone, but at that very moment Nurse Vicky came in for a cup of tea. Vicky was a retired midwife, sometimes God sends you things. Put him back under your coat she ordered. Then she grabbed tin foil from the kitchen and a pair of my old winter long johns. Then she wrapped the baby and ordered Lech to resume his warming.
I’ll call the ambulance now, the child looks ok, but what about the mother, she could be bleeding to death somewhere. Where did you find the baby? In the woods. So the mother could be in danger? Asked Lech, Boris and Gregorgi their Slav sense of family coming to the fore. We have to go, to look for the mother. They headed for the door, Vicky interrupted, the mother could be anywhere, but you forgot one thing. Give me the baby now. So Lech carefully passed the baby to Vicky who then it against her own enormous bosoms, and smothered the newborn in love and warmth.
The blue flashing light of the ambulance flashed outside, the boys disappeared over my back garden fence. This is more important than any vodka, we must find the mother. The warmth from the still had saved the baby, but now the mother must be found, the mother must be found. Their NASA friend sent texts but they had never replied, that was the deal. But now in their Black Hole of worry for the mother, they just had to. But what message should they send, could they send?
Three Kings looking for Mary. He’d understand he was clever. So they texted it. Three Kings looking for Mary. The baby was safe and warm at City Hospital, what Vicky had forgotten was more than most knew. The baby was called Michael, she didn’t tell me, but as it was a boy and it was my house, so it was small Michael. The Police said the mother could be lost in the woods, but was probably long gone, so no search till daylight, just in case.
For the boys, NOW means NOW, they were all fathers, what if it were one of their daughters? They had to look, they had to look. They were Slavs, a daughter in trouble had to be loved, had to be loved. At Nasa a message to a restricted number flags up big time. All the Spy agencies were on the case. And what did Three Kings looking for Mary mean?
Their friend knew immediately, it’s my 3 friends from school back in the Homeland where Russia/Poland and Ukraine make love on the map. They are looking for a mother obviously. Who is Mary then? Mary was a new mother, so they are looking for a new mother. But why look for a new mother? Probably because because they found her baby. It’s an abandoned baby. It must be that. Lech, Boris and Gregorgi knew he was clever, he did work for Nasa after all.
Lech’s phone rang, it was Nasa. Could their friend help find the mother. Their friend looked at array of top Nasa and spy agency people looking at him. Well I left the East to work here, prove to me you have a heart. The man in the suit took out his phone and showed a picture of a new born. This is my first granddaughter she was born yesterday in England. The man in the suit said two words. DO IT!
And that is how billion dollar satellites were used to find Mary and help the Three Kings bring her offerings. As the woods were dark and only heat would show up in space the new super dupper satellite was tested. It spotted the bulk of the boys easily. A search area and grid pattern was assigned and the satellites put to work. The girl from the Black Hole discovery teams poked her head around the corner, what’s going on. They told her, so she found a space and opened her laptop and did some space magic.
A few foxes in woods were spotted and a few stray birds flying past. But what if “Mary” the mother had fallen, her signature wood be smaller. The lady Dr worked away at her laptop. Lech Boris and Gregorgi were hunting frantically but not very successfully. They found a bloody bag and waved to space then phoned in the news. This was added to the plot. This went on for two hours the woods were so big after all. Saint Jude help us screamed Lech and Boris with Gregorgi echoing their prayers.
In the Space Station the Russian crew told the rest what was going on, they all said Saint Jude’s prayer. Friends in higher places were needed. Then not one, two, three or four, but five sparks of life and light came up from Space, including the Space Station. Saint Jude does not mess about.
The Black Hole Dr Lady jumped up, there she pointed at the wall size screen. In Polish/Russian and Ukrainian the Nasa people and Spooks screamed instructions to Lech, Boris and Gregorgi. The Three Kings have found Mary flashed all over the world’s satellites. The old joke used to be why did the Americans get to the Moon first, they had more German scientists than the Russians. But now, but now the Three Kings from the East had found Mary lost in the woods.
The girl really did need medical attention, and her name really was Mary. The Spy people had a helicopter on standby and Lech, Boris and Gregorgi waved and it descended into the black hole and took her back to the light. But what about their still, it would be lost, and the Police would be nosey etc. GCHQ in England knew what was going on, that’s their job, Prince William will tell you that if ever you meet him by the coffee machine. As luck would have it the new head of GCHQ was call Havis McTavish from a very long line of Scottish Whisky makers. Do you think he’d let anybody know what had happened the night before. I should cocoa, I repeat I should cocoa. GCHQ slapped a D notice with a 30 year rule on everything.
Nobody or nothing would ever know what happened. A man had found a baby and given it to Michael Casey the fat silver haired writer in shades from Birmingham,the one in England. His dear friend Vicky a midwife had taken it to hospital. Then another man out walking his dog had found the mother. Full Stop, Period as the Americans say. Or as Intelligence sources say. MIND YOU OWN BUSINESS.
There is a p.s. to this story. The man in the suit came to England to see his new grandchild and obviously he’s so high up he gets Police escort. The Police handed him, a brown paper bag with a 2 litre bottle of fresh Vodka in it. Tied to the bottle on a luggage label was written in Polish/Ukrainian and Russian, with love from The Three Kings and baby Michael. I heard that Havis McTavis from GCHQ also got one, Prince William told me at the coffee machine, he delivered it personally.
Lech, Boris and Gregorgi Save Christmas ©
By
Michael Casey
The cousins had decided to buy and trade a
few old Army Surplus materials. Putin has updated his army so there was a
lot of old kit being thrown away. So obviously the enterprising cousins
decided this was their chance. There were all kinds of everything for
sale at rock bottom prices, such as Arctic gear, and even parachutes and
an ancient flame thrower or two. Junk to you or me, but to the cousins
it was an opportunity.
Sometime what is discarded becomes the most
important thing, like a broken heart healed by love, or the dream of a
dead mother on the feast of Saint Francis, that comes to heal and
strengthen. But I’m talking about the Slav cousins, and their wives just
laughed at them, they were just so stupid, but that made them love them
the more. So as the wives sharpened their knives ready for the
Christmas preparations, which meant death for some of the animals, but
it for good purpose, to celebrate the feast of Christmas.
Amongst the junk was an old military radio
or two, so the cousins’ children were allowed top play with one. To
their surprise they were able to contact some other children, so soon
there was a radio friendship. It turned out that they had discovered
School 76 in Novablizt, which was a fair distance from where they all
lived. It was a boarding school for children of army officers, really
they should not be talking to outsiders. But it was a military frequency
on an old channel, so that’s how the wall came down.
As Lech, Boris and Gregorgi rummaged through
their treasure their children were enjoying the radio. It turned out
that the parents of School 76 were in reality Space Engineers, they
would not say more than that, but it was interesting to say the least.
Now Christmas was approaching fast and the cousins had managed to sell
boots and coats and the like, so they were content, they had at least
made some money. There was the Christmas feast on the horizon and their
wives were glowing, happy and so deeply in love. However when all the
cousins’ children explained all the anticipated fun and love that they
would have to the children of School 76 they were met with sadness.
You see at School 76 the parents would be
working far away, launching satellites into space for the highest
bidder. Christmas was lost to them, duty came first, if only they got to
see a fake Santa, it would be fun amongst all the books. Now Lech,
Boris and Gregorgi were saddened when they heard this, Christmas without
even a fake Saint Nicolas, this was too much.
Their wives looked at them and all the
children looked at them. We need to talk to your fathers said the three
mothers. So the three mothers took the three cousins to the 3 bedrooms.
It is always best to discuss things in a comfortable environment. 6
hours later, the mothers emerged smiling, and the cousins emerged too.
It had been decided, the 3 mothers would sacrifice their 3 cousin
husbands for Christmas. Lech, Boris and Gregorgi would bring Christmas
to School 76.
Now School 76 is not on any map as it was
classed as Military even though it was just a boarding school. So a map
reference was sent and Lech marked it on a map with Rudolf’s nose, that
was all the map they would need. They loaded their snow plough with
items they might need, and what could they bring the students? Boiled
eggs painted and some English chocolate, Cadburys of course, and some
Oranges. There was some vodka too, but that was for any stray teachers
or caretakers. It was the thought that counted, there would not be any
other gifts as such, or so was the plan. You see the school was in a
remote area and Lech, Boris and Gregorgi may have to walk in the last
leg.
When School 76 heard the news they erupted.
They would not only get one fake Santa but three. Carols erupted from
School 76, but the could not tell the teachers, the caretaker staff as
it was still technically called a Military establishment. So with a
final kiss to their wives, who were probably pregnant by now, what do
you think they were doing for 6 hours, knitting? So Lech, Boris and
Gregorgi set off to bring Christmas to School 76. As they dove away a
fancy 4x4 passed in the opposite direction, paths had been crossed.
In the 4x4 was Mikhail Mikhailovich who you will remember
was the Spaceman who had a visit from the Archangel Saint Michael, by
sheer chance he was driving through Lech, Boris and Gregorgi’s village.Now there is
no such thing as coincidence, there is only the will of God. Mikhail
Mikhailovich went into the inn and had some food and a rest, he was
going to plough on and get home for Christmas himself but then the
Heavens opened and it was a Whiteout, a mountain of snow had fallen. So
he just knew he’s be spending Christmas there, Mikhail Mikhailovich was
soon telling tales and enjoying all the company. His eyes popped open
wide when he heard what Lech, Boris and Gregorgi were up to, he had
studied at School 76 himself in his youth before he became the world’s
greatest Cosmonaut and then the world’s greatest storyteller.
I actually drove past
them, will they be safe? They are like Polar Bears replied the three
wives, besides we’ll kill them if they don’t come back, as they
brandished their knives. Besides we are all pregnant so they will not
abandon an unborn baby at Christmas. How many weeks are you pregnant
asked Mikhail Mikhailovich? About 15 hours not weeks came the proud
reply.Mikhail Mikhailovich blushed, this was like one of his stories,
but true.
Mikhail Mikhailovich
took out his satellite phone and recited another story so that Radio
Russia would have a new story over Christmas. Then the military radio
crackled, it was Lech, Boris and Gregorgi. Well we are 20k short of our
destination, the snow plough cannot go any further so we will walk. We
have skis and a sledge, it will be fun. Everybody looked out the window
and saw the snow, it was deadly dangerous.Mikhail Mikhailovich took the
microphone, hello I’m Mikhail Mikhailovich can I help in any way? We
love stories replied the 3 in unison. I was meaning help in getting to
your destination? We think we will be ok, we have vodka to keep us warm
and multiple layers too, we have got old USSR army kit, so we should be
just fine.
Mikhail Mikhailovich
looked about him, these fine people deserved their own Archangel, so he
took out his satellite phone. In seconds he was talking to Chuck from
the USA, his friend Tim Peak who was back in space again, and Petrov a
fine Russian cosmonaut. Mikhail Mikhailovich was talking to the Heavens
Above AKA the Space Station. Hello guys, do you want to test that new
thing you have. In seconds it was decided, it was a method of tracking
Polar Bears, but now it would be tracking 3 polar bears called Lech,
Boris and Gregorgi.
The only problem was
their was no radio tracking device on a collar, just a vintage USSR
radio. Looking around again, Mikhail Mikhailovich rung his good friend
Esther, the mother of the zillionaire space satellite magnate. Shalom he
began, and then Mikhail Mikhailovich explained, Esther would help he
knew it. Ester put her cards down she was playing poker in Vegas, the
winner chose which Charity got the pot, 10million had been raised just
through her poker habit, if you can remember back to the Malta story. A
phone rang in the situation room at the Pentagon, the ring tone was If I
were a Rich Man sung by Topol, an actual one off recording just for a
ring tone.If you are zillionaire then you can have such things.Sorry
said the zillionaire turning to General Jim Mathis, mom insisted on the
ring tone. In seconds all was explained and Esther went back to her
poker, she wanted to win.
The zillionaire looked
around, I wasn’t going to show you this yet, but a friend wants a
favour. So with General Jim Mathis looking on the zillionaire brought up
the satellite image. It was not perfect but through the snow Lec, Boris
and Gregorgi could be made out. We’re guiding them through the snow to
School 76. So the zillionaire spoke to Mikhail Mikhailovich and then he
guided the three cousins.
In deep deep snow they
went up and down and around and around , and this way and that way,
leaving a trail as they dragged their sledge. High in space the
zillionaire and brought a couple of other satellites into play, it was
Christmas after all, they were not the three Magi, but they had friends
in high places, very high places. But then disaster, the radio broke
down, at minus 20 even a thirty year old USSR radio had to come to the
end of their life.
All we can do is watch
and pray, said General Jim Mathis as he looked up from the book Esther
had sent him, first edition of a Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens.So
watching from on high they all watched and prayed. Three cousins, Lech,
Boris and Gregorgi would go around and around until the cold killed
them. From space they tracked their route, then the zillionaire spotted a
pattern. Marked in the snow was PAX VOBISCOM, or Peace Be With You.
Then through the snow the satellite could see a sledge drawn by enormous
reindeer, there was a giant of a man on board. The giant waved at the
sky as if he knew the satellites were all watching him.
Santa Claus himself had
come to rescue them, if the Archangel Saint Michael had saved Mikhail
Mikhailovich why shouldn’t Santa Claus save three Slav heroes called
Lech,Boris and Gregorgi. And that is how Christmas was saved by Lech,
Boris and Gregorgi or rather how Santa Claus saved them. School 76 had
the best Christmas ever, 3 fake Santas plus the real thing. Now if you
think this story is far fetched, just watch Norad track Santa this and
every Christmas. And if you still don’t believe me, why are there photos
of the Real Father Christmas locked in General Jim Mathis’ safe with a
signed copy of a Christmas Carol on top. Marked 25 levels higher than
TOP SECRET.
Lech,
Boris and Gregorgi come in from the Cold ©
By
Michael Casey
Now
it’s hard when building work goes on and there is dust everywhere,
when there is cursing galore, and that is just from mom and dad.
Builders blush when they overhear such language, but building is a
blessed thing, blessed with plenty of cursing. Anastasia was visiting
family in the village, when she had a phone call from her granddad,
the builders had let him down, now all he had was dust everywhere.
This made her own problem small beer, she had bought a brand new car
for herself as a graduation present, but it broke down repeatedly.
The dealership just laughed at her and called her little Russian
Princess. Now as Lech’s, Boris’s and Gregorgi’s wives chopped
meat their blood boiled.
Anastasia’s
granddad was Denis Nellis, he was very very old now, but when he was
very very young he was a sailor on the Artic Convoy to Russia, after
the war he married the sister of a Polish Battle of Britain pilot. So
he was a man of great bravery, who should be honored and as he had a
connection to the village through marriage he was FAMILY. The boys’
wives sharpened their knives, but Anastasia said the Pen is Mightier
than the sword, and far far sharper, with a wicked smile. The boys’
wives agree as they did some target practice on the back of the
kitchen door.
But
where were the boys, where were Lech, Boris and Gregorgi? The Summer
of 2018 was so terrible hot, some like it hot, as they say, but
Gregorgi had a friend who owned a former Russian nuclear submarine,
he had bought it in an army or navy surplus sale. He ran trips to the
North, the far North, ½ way to the North Pole. Ice Station Zebra and
all that. Some of the crew had gone sick, so Gregorgi had persuaded
Lech and Boris to come and have an adventure, or were they little
girls? So the three of them found themselves on an ice shelf playing
football. The new or rather ex Soviet winter warmer clothes were
being sold to the tourists as Lech, Boris and Gregorgi larked about
on the ice. The pay was very good after all, and it was in US
dollars, perfect, what more did they want.
Their
wives could bear it no longer, they dug out the old SW set and
setting it to the emergency frequency they sent a message to the
North Pole. Come home the dinner is getting cold, family matter to
attend to. That was all it said, signed 3 wives. Now the American’s
went mad trying to work out what it meant. The Russian’s wanted to
know what it meant too. Only the British knew what it really meant.
You see Anastasia had a secret, she had just signed on to work for
GCHQ, so she had told them about her holiday plans, and having Denis
Nellis as a relative had swung the interview for her, that and having
a Double First from Downing Cambridge. Or the University of Monty
Python as some card in recruitment called it, you see Downing was
where John Cleese went, and Michael Winner and this writer’s
brother.
Lech,
Boris and Gregorgi worried for a full minute, before finishing off
the submarine’s supply of vodka, their wives could look after
themselves, they knew how to use knives and riffles. So as the
icicles melted from them they enjoyed their vodka, the trip had been
a success and they’d been invited to join the regular crew roster.
When
they got home to the village their wives feed them well and took them
to bed. They had to make sure everything still worked after the cold
of the North Pole. In the morning their wife’s gave them the
Eastern look, they explained about Denis Nellis and Anastasia. Then
Anastasia explained about the builder saying her grandad would have
to face facts and surrender to reality. The car company has said the
same, just surrender to life. Now Gregorgi started to twitch, you
never say Surrender to a Russian, after what those Nazi bastards did.
Lech and Boris weren’t happy either, this was Family. The Scots
never say surrender too, go ask the Black Watch if you don’t
believe me.
There
was just enough time to finish all the food their wives had prepared
while they were at the North Pole, then they made love to their wives
10 more times, before they were ready to hit the road. At David
Nellis’s house it was like the Nazi bastards had shelled it. Lech,
Boris and Gregorgi set to work. The bathroom extension with
downstairs bedroom would soon be sorted. The boys worked like slaves,
worse than slaves, they worked like men from the East, they worked
like family. If you married into the East, then you were part of the
East. They only stopped for 5 mins just to send me an email asking
that I looked after Still 17 in Warley Woods, it would be reaching
perfection too, by pure, 95% pure, coincidence they would be in
England to taste it.
When
the dust settled Dennis Nellis had his bathroom and new bedroom
downstairs. Gregorgi shed a tear, and for once his cousins did not
mock him for crying like a little girl. This was family. I had tapped
Still 17 and send the postman to deliver 10 litres, so toasting
Dennis Nellis sailor from the Artic Convoys they got drunk. What else
do you expect?
Now
Anastasia had not been forgotten, still hung over the boys decided to
go visit the car dealership. The car dealer had ignored Anastasia,
even though she was so pretty, and so very very intelligent. But boys
will be boys, and they had come in from the cold, and their 3 wives
had asked did they want to repeat their performance, once they had
sorted out Anastasia’s broken brand new car. So they went to the
car show room, now they could have physically turned all the cars
over like turtles. Just as Big Sid does in the finale of The Butcher
The Baker and The Undertaker.
However
they had seen the Full Monty on Dennis Nellis’s tv the night
before, so they just played the music on their Spotify on their
iphones so they started to strip. The girls in the car show room
giggled and live streamed it on Facebook to their friends, they
stopped giggling as more and more clothes came off. Where was the
nearest Polish/Ukrainian and Russian food store, these were MEN with
a capital M! The car showroom owner came down to see the still drunk
cousins sprawled naked over his cars, leaving marks all over the
polish, that’s polish not POLISH by the way.
He
tried to threaten them but this was no Spring Time for Hitler. Your
Cars have one thing in common with us slurred Lech, Boris and
Gregorgi, and what is that asked the car show room owner? BIG
BOLLOCKS! And with that the boys left the showroom. And did Anastasia
get a new car from the car dealer. No, he was going to offer, but the
Police closed down his showroom after 100s of complaints, the Police
even said he did not have a licence for Erotic Dancers so were able
to close him down immediately. But Peter Stringfellow saw it all
online and sent Anastasia a brand new car, a much better car. He did
offer the boys a job as well, but they decided, The winner wives take
it all, it was For Their Eyes Only.
Lech, Boris and Gregorgi's big misadventure ©
By
Michael Casey
The boys got
off to a late start, they had left the magazine in the toilet, and they
needed the magazine. What am I on about? Well the magazine belonged to
Ivan and Ivan had given it to Lech with words of advice. Ivan was a very
very old man and magazines was all he had in his life, because he was
so very old. Lech was young at the time and as Lech and Boris and
Gregorgi carried Ivan home Ivan had said Lech could have his magazine
because he knew he’d be dead soon.
The magazine
was an old National Geographical one, in French. Lech just put it in his
pocket and carried on carrying Ivan home with his 2 cousins. Ivan was
right, he was dead soon. Ivan was 97 and the final 15 pints was too much
for him. Ivan was found dead in his chair by the fire with a big smile
on his lips, 2 days later.Everybody assumed he’d been sleeping off the
booze, but when he didn’t feed his dogs people heard the howling and
came to see what the trouble was. There was no trouble, Ivan was dead,
as stiff as a poker, but with a big smile on his lips.
His funeral
was a great occasion with holy relics held in front of his coffin. Lech,
Boris and Gregorgi dug the grave themselves as was the custom, you dig
your friends and neighbours’ graves. Later in the day Lech looked at the
magazine in French, but could not understand as it was not an Eastern
language, but he enjoyed the pictures. Round things of all shapes and
colours. And what am I talking about? Truffles of course. It was an
article on truffles. Lech put the magazine on top of his wardrobe next
to his riffle, and promptly forgot all about it.
The snow was
deep, and they had nothing planned so they were watching tv together,
together with a large supply of alcohol, they were boys from the East
after all, not girls from the West. Up popped and item on truffles, they
would have dropped their beer glasses but luckily they were drinking
from bottles so they did not, it’s a sin to waste good alcohol, ask your
mother if you don’t believe me. Lech stuttered, ok he dribbled, so much
money for those things. Ivan gave me a magazine with pictures of
truffles in before he died years ago. Lech reached up to the top of the
wardrobe, only he accidentally pulled the trigger, CLICK. They all
ducked instinctively. Lech was from the East so of course there were no
bullets in the riffle. He ws not an American after all.
Together they
looked at the pictures in the magazine, all the varieties and the price
you could get just for small amounts. A small amount was as valuable as
gold. As they flicked through the magazine a piece of paper fell out.
It was in Ivan’s handwriting, it was a map and a message, we have
truffles too, if you can find them. And that was all it took for the
lads to think of having an adventure up in the mountains. Lech, Boris
and Gregorgi the truffle hunters, not as dynamic as Indiana Jones, but
it could make them a bit of money.
Lech needed
the toilet, so still clutching the magazine he left the others to throw
some things together, they would be going truffle hunting. They climbed
into the snow plough and had gone 3 km before they realised they’d left
the magazine in the toilet. They needed the magazine to help identify
the truffles. So they returned like fools for the magazine before
setting off again. They drove 50 km into the mountains before the road
ended. Now they would have to walk and climb. It was fun and a nice
stretch of the legs, this was no Duke of Edinburgh Gold stroll, this was
a nice men of the East walk, they did not have any Irn Bru they had 70%
proof vodka.
Looking at
the piece of paper they reached spot on the map where the truffles
should be. The only problem was that truffles are under the ground. And
there was snow too. That did not deter them, they had their knives. So
they dug through the snow and started digging for truffles,only stopping
for the occasional drop of vodka. Lech’s knife has a history, he won it
from Boris in a bet. So Boris was beaten by his dad, Lech’s uncle, the
beating was a long one. But Lech bore it and never told his dad how he’d
lost his knife.
Gregorgi had
bets with other kids as to how long the beating would last, in fact
Gregorgi signaled to Boris to be cheeky so the beating would continue.
Boris took his queue. Finally beating over, Gregorgi collected all the
money and gave it to Boris refusing any commission. So Boris bought an
even better knife and in fact he bought two. He gift wrapped one and
left it in his dad’s boots. Boris’ dad nearly cried for joy, all he said
was you know I love you dearly. Of course dad replied Boris, and if
anybody says otherwise I’ll skin them alive with my new knife. Like
father like son.
So the boys
hacked about for truffles, they even tried to understand what the French
writing said. Then luck appeared, a wild boar came running towards
them, it started rooting in the earth where the cousins had cleared the
snow. Soon the boar had found various truffles, they had to wrestle the
boar so it did not eat them. So they fed it bread with 70% vodka soaked
into it. A drunken wild boar and 3 Eastern cousins truffle hunting with a
National Geographical magazine in French plus a scribbled note from a
long dead 97 year old man called Ivan. Of course this happened, this is
the East, they don’t do walks in park, well can you all just shut up
muttering and let me get on with the story.
The boar fell
over dead, probably too much rooting, but by now they had sack full of
truffles. They were hungry and it was a pity to waste a boar, so they
skinned it and made a fire, they had found some shelter by an outcrop of
rocks. It had been a good day trip but now the snow began to fall
heavily. Of course they don’t look at the weather forecast on an App,
they just go where they want when they want, they were Men of the East.
They were thinking could they find more shelter, when they heard a snap
and a scream of pain.
A mountain
bear had been caught in a trap. The trap had caught it on the neck but
had not killed it. They were going to shoot it to put it out of its
misery but they remember when they rescued the people in teh old
people’s home. So they fed the bear vodka soaked in bread, then together
they removed the bear trap. They felt pity for the bear, so Lech took
his belt off and tied it around the bear’s neck, the other two followed,
3 strong leather belts tied tight around the bear’s neck to stop the
flow of blood. Then they rubbed boar fat from their dinner around the
wound to seal it, then wastefully they poured a little vodka around the
wound too.
They could
hear a noise, they followed the noise to a cave, 3 small bear cubs were
inside, this was the mother they had saved. Now what would become of the
bears? Gregorgi knew what must be done, so he picked one up and put it
in his rucksack, the others followed. Mother bear was unconscious now, she might not make it.
Gregorgi took his mobile out and pressed the distress button. He also
took out a crumbed picture of an icon from his wallet and put it on the
belts. They had done all they could for her, now they must save the
babies.
There was an old log below their
campfire.They climbed inside and attaching their braces to the log the
pushed off. This was Cool Runnings Eastern style, down the side of a
mountain. Now 3 Eastern men in a log, was no gentle English story about a
men in a boat. This was 3 growling bears in ruck sacks racing down a
mountainside, with 3 Eastern men for company. Now the crumpled picture
Gregorgi had left on the mother bear was a picture of the Black Madonna,
so was she guiding the cousins down the mountainside.
Back in the cab the snow plough started
immediately, the amount of time they spent tinkering with its engine was
more than love. They headed home,ringing the zoo to ask dd tey want 3
bear cubs. What a stupid question. But what of mother bear, a mother
alone on a mountain, bleeding with only 3 belts tightly fastened keeping
her alive. Boris rung his friend Olga, he told her to save the mother
bear. Olga had a helicopter you see. Olga flew though the snow and
scooped up the bear in a net.
Yes mother and bear cubs all lived
happily ever after. As for the dead boar, its death had saved the mother
bear. The zoo called the mother bear Olga, and the baby bears were
called Lech, Boris and Gregorgi. And what about the truffles, well Olga
scooped them up too and as she flew to the zoo she dropped them from the
sky to Lech’s garden. They were rubbish truffles not worth a penny, but
the Black Madonna had saved Lech, Boris and Gregorgi, the baby bears I
mean. Or so the cousins thought. A month later a French chef was
visiting from Paris, he nearly fainted. The truffles weren’t worth any
money. But chef did leave his 4x4 behind instead as payment for the
truffles, and you know what on the dashboard an icon of the Black
Madonna.
Lech, Boris and Gregorgi Rescue the Old People’s Home ©
By
Michael Casey
Well as we are all stuck in the snow I’ve decided to share this story, you can believe it or not, its up to you. It’s 1st March 2018, Putin is boasting about his toys of
war, as are other leaders. Can we just put these things away and advance
science for all Mankind instead? The best of all our people is in its
Spirit. So let me tell Putin and Kim and Trump a story about real
Spirit. This is the story of how Lech, Boris and Gregorgi rescued 100
old people trapped in a blizzard with medicine and food running out.
Now Popaloffoff lies somewhere in the East where
Poland, Ukraine and Russia make love on the map. They make love in bed
too but I’m just trying to give you an estimation of where it is. Up in
the mountains along a winding road and perched like an eagle looking
down on a fast flowing river is an old monastery that is also an old
people’s home for locals. So priests and shepherds live there, the
priest paint icons and the shepherds produce the finest vodka anywhere
in the world, if you live in that climate you need a good drink.
This Winter 2017/2018 has been bad, today 1st March 2018 the weather is savage. Lech and Boris
and Gregorgi got a call on the CB radio, Shepherd down, we are running
out of supplies especially medicine. We may have to burn the icons to
keep warm. Now to anybody in the East an icon is a Holy Holy thing, its
worth more than gold, worth more than beating USA at the ice hockey. I’m
whispering this now but an icon is worth more than Vodka.
So when the message came on the CB radio Lech,
Boris and Gregorgi had to do something. The Blizzard could go to Hell,
in fact it could kiss Gregorgi’s fat ass, and his ass was fat, very fat
indeed. They mounted their snowploughs and drove to base. Grit was
poured to over-brimming on all three trucks, and a trailer was attached
to each. Not forgetting a case of vodka in each cabin. With a blessing
from an atheist they departed.
Only a fool, a madman, and a believer would even
attempt it in this weather, but that would describe the Trio. In
Popaloffoff they got the message that help was on its way, then the CB
died. So they huddled together and prayed. A few of the icons were near
the fire for when the firewood ended. Now as I said before Saint Michael
considers Lech, Boris and Gregorgi to be his friends. As for the icons
they have special powers too, but more of that later.
Driving in a blizzard is no fun, the Trio laughed
and joked and cursed at each other over the radio. They were on a
mission, a mission from God. They were not Blues Brothers they were
Slavic cousins, and they were better drivers. Slip sliding away they
went, round and round a garden like a teddy bear one step two step and a
tickle under there. Good job there was vodka on the seat beside them.
It was barely above freezing inside the cab, though they had their furs
to keep them warm. That bear had nearly killed them 10 years ago, but
they had sworn an oath to high Heaven that if they did not die they
would repay the favour. So now wrapped in that bear’s clothes it was
time to repay that debt. Popaloffoff was calling them, I saved your 3
lives, now you must save the least of my brethren.
It was logical, well logical to a fool, a madman
and a believer, they were each and all of those things. They had visited
Popaloffoff when they were kids and it had made a big big impression,
so now, they had to do it, they just had to answer the call. Slip
sliding away, the trailers sliding like a puppet on a string.
Disaster almost struck. Lech was leading his
plough veered to the left, then magically it shot to the right along the
mountain road. Boris and Gregorgi swore they saw an angle appear and
push his truck back on the road. Was it the vodka, it was hard to tell
through all the snow. It was Saint Michael himself, he had skin in this
game, as did all the angels and saint on the icons.
After that save, like a diving ice hockey player
in the Olympic final, Saint Michael was joined by a multitude of angels.
If their icons were burned it did not matter, saving the lives of a
Trio such as Lech, Boris and Gregorgi did matter.
Now the road to Poploffoff is very dangerous and
you an slip off and never be seen again, or until Spring comes and the
snow melts. The wind howled and the snow fell. The vodka was drunk as
the Trio drunk through the blizzard. How they stayed on the road nobody
would ever know, but if you were an angel looking down you could see
snow angels in the snow to the left and to the right as angels pushed
the truck to keep it on the road. Hundreds of snow angels made in the
snow by real angels. But you don’t believe me, do you? You think I’m
drinking vodka?
The fire was burning low so the priest with tears
in his eyes put an icon on the fire. Then he closed his eyes, he did not
want to see his sin. 100 people and more huddled around a fire with
their eyes closed, begging the angles and saints to forgive them for
their sin. The angles and saints were crying, not for their icons but
because they were humbled to see such Faith.
Lech, Boris and Gregorgi drove on the perilous
road, slip, sliding away. They cursed each other more, to encourage each
other more. Then a tragedy, the vodka was finished. They fell silent,
not long to go now, they had to concentrate more, the road was at its
most dangerous now. Saint Michael called for reinforcements, a wall of
angels their wings outstretched with swords drawn lined the road.
Nothing would prevent them from getting to Popaloffoff now, only the
Devil himself had come to see what was happening, he had smelt the scent
of burning icons.
While Saint Michael hacked at the Devil with his
sword Lech’s truck went over the cliff. It was hanging half on and half
off the road. Boris and Gregorgi slammed on the brakes on their trucks.
He would be dead in seconds. Only then 3 enormous bears appears and
pulled the trailer and truck back on the road. The bears disappeared to
be replaced by a golden angel, a beautiful golden angel.
Nobody said anything they drove in silence up the
mountain road to Popaloffoff. They entered the courtyard and ran to
refectory where everybody had been gathered. Lech, Boris and Gregorgi
handed out medicine and food and unpacked the supplies. A madman, a fool
and a believer had saved the day.
The Trio looked about and could see the icons that
had been put on the fire. But when they took them out they noticed
something, they wiped the soot away and the icons were perfect, intact.
Babushka asked the trio to follow her to where she had been painting a
new icon. She turned the icon around, and there Lech, Boris and Gregorgi
could see a golden angle with 3 bears on it.
I need a drink they said in unison. So they had a
drink, a real good drink. In fact they were given the recipe for
Popaloffoff vodka, so if you wonder why Lech, Bori and Gregorgi are in
Warley Woods or any woods for that matter its is because they are
attending to their still. Oh, and before I forget, I have an angel on my
wall as I talk to you all. And as for golden angel icon with 3 bears
on, that is on the wall in Putin’s private office, as well as a few
bottles of Popaloffoff vodka. Pope Francis has been invited to Russia
you know, maybe Putin will give him a photocopy of the icon, or just
some Popaloffoff vodka.
there is a recent story too when they visit me and then save a newborn baby and mother, it's on my site if you look.
As you can
imagine Mother Russia would love these stories all rolled into a feature
film, so do get in touch, it's not Tolstoy but it works.
STAY HAPPY WHEREVER YOU ARE IN THE WORLD.
HERE'S A BROWNIE BONUS
The Spaceman and The Arch-Angel ©
By Michael Casey
Mikhail Mikhailovich was a spaceman, a cosmonaut
as the Russians call them, he’d been in space forever, he held the
world record already, he was testing himself to see if Man could make it
to Mars. He and Tim Peake had had a lot of fun in the space station,
but now Tim was gone. So Mikhail was lonely, in fact Mikhail was having a
dark night of the soul, flying high in the sky orbiting the world. He
was on the edge, but bear a bear of a man he told nobody, if only his
wife Katarina was with him to make him strong, but he was floating in
space and she was back in Saint Petersburg.
Michael the Arch-Angel had just pushed back Satan
back into Hell and had sealed the gates with a pair of Rosary beads, now
he was taking Mrs Murphy’s soul back to her body, he was in a hurry
before her body died without her soul inside. At Saint Michael the
Arch-Angel flew in space with Mrs Murphy’s soul safely tucked in his
belt by his sword he felt Mikhail’s sorrow. So much sorry, he flew as
fast as he could fly towards to space station, a soul was in danger, the
space station was in danger, a man’s life and soul was in danger.
Mikhail was on the verge of thinking of doing something mad bad and sad.
Michael felt this and as an angel he must intervene, he spiralled
directly towards the space station, he went straight inside and grabbed
Mikhail’s arm.
An angel does not need to use doors, the spirit
just walks through walls even in space, love knows no boundaries, and an
angel is just that, love. Saint Michael the Arch-Angel gave Mikhail a
bear-hug and nearly broke his ribs. Mikhail screamed in fear, Michael
just laughed in his face and said he screamed like a little girl, was he
going to pee his pants as an encore. Mikhail rubbed his eyes, there was
angel in front of him, speaking Russian, in fact he sounded like his
own old grandfather, with the same local accent.
I could punch your lights out, but I’m an angel so
let’s talk, have you got any beer, my wings are tired I need a beer,
asked the angel. Mikhail laughed, where do we have the room for a barrel
of beer in a space station? The angel reached behind him and two pints
of Stella Artois appeared in chalices, so Mikhail took one and drank it,
after such a long time in space it was heavenly to say the least. So
Mikhail and the angel had 4 pints each, which is enough to wet their
whistle if they were both Russian. Mikhail wasn’t scared any more, if
this was a dream he was going to enjoy it. He’d love a big sandwich of
Russian beef and bread with lettuce and tomatoes, so once more Saint
Michael reached behind him and the sandwiches appeared. Is Paul Daniels
behind you joked Mikhail, Tim the English spaceman had told Mikhail
about Paul Daniels during his time on the space station. No replied the
angel, but God is behind me, and in front of me and in all directions
too, he has my back, and your’s too, that’s why I’m saving you.
Mikhail, looked at his feet, he’d felt a failure,
he could have, but he didn’t, an angel had saved him. Michael the
Archangel gave him another pint of Stella Artois, Paul Daniels was
working overtime you could say. Why were you in space anyway asked
Mikhail. I was returning a soul to a body, Mrs Murphy was risking her
soul to save the life of her priest, or rather the soul of her priest.
That’s when Satan pounced, so I had to give him a kicking, and then mum
asked we to return Mrs Murphy’s soul to her body, before her body
expired. Mum who is your mum? Mary is my mum, she’s everybody’s mum, she
prefers to be called ”mum” it’s the highest title of all. Mikhail
Mikhailovich started to cry, so Michael wiped his nose with his wings.
I wish I could be a father but being in the space
program has put paid to that, I am a hero of Mother Russia, but my own
wife cannot be a mother, we will never know the joy of children. Mikhail
cried again, the angel gave him a huge hug, almost breaking the
spaceman’s ribs and Mikhail’s face turned bright red due to lack of
oxygen. A tear fell from the angel’s eye, it trickled down his face and
splashed Mrs Murphy’s soul, this was enough for Mrs Murphy she was
saying the Rosary in a nanosecond. Her body was dead by now, but at
least she could pray for the spaceman.
Michael and Mikhail had some fresh fruit, bananas
and grapes, washed down with more Stella Artois. Mikhail unburdened
himself to the angel, all his hopes and dreams, being a spaceman was the
last of them. Tim had told Mikhail about David Bowie and the two of
them had put the face makeup on and sung the songs. Now Tim was gone and
Mikhail missed him, but most of all Mikhail missed something he’d never
have. Children. As a child Mikhail loved listening to stories, stories
from all over Russia and everywhere else too, but then studying came
along.
Saint Michael the Archangel has a secret, he loves
stories too, he’s spent ages, literally Ages listening to stories from
all over the world. So as they drunk their Stella Artois Michael told
Mikhail some of the stories. First in Russian for the Russian stories,
then he switched to Chinese for the Chinese stories, Indian for the
Indian stories, and Japanese for the Japanese stories. Michael knew
thousands of stories in told them all in all the native languages. The
food and drink flowed, Paul Daniels really is a great magician, how he
hid all of it in the space station ready to save a soul, a Russian
spaceman’s soul we’ll never know, perhaps he’s just an angel.
How long would it take to tell tales from all over
the world, as long as there is food and drink on the table there will
always be tales, and this angel doesn’t follow Logic, only Love. In
Earth time 50 years had passed, or was it just a dream? Michael and
Mikhail hugged, this time Michael could not breathe and he turned red.
Mikhail had been filled with Love, and food and drink thanks to maybe
Paul Daniels, so he was a big Russian Bear once more.
You are Mikhail Mikhailovich a Spaceman who did
not fall to earth, you are the Storyteller from Space, you are a
“father” to billions of children, and to your wife you are the best
husband in space and on earth who gave her seven children, angels love
the number 7, Snow White really did exist you know, but that’s another
story. Mikhail snored, he been dreaming hadn’t he.
Michael flew off into space, for decades he’d been
talking to Mikhail, it was a coincidence he’d spotted Mikhail, he
thanked God. As Michael looked at his watch, by which I mean the
rotation of the stars in space, he realised he’d actually gone back in
time by 2.9 nanoseconds. Einstein had been livid when he’d got to Heaven
to discover that Time and Relativity was just one of God’s jokes.
Mrs Murphy’s soul was returned to her body, but
her 50 years of prayers so that Mikhail could have a family had not been
wasted, and as for her priest well that’s another story, Tears for a
Butcher by Michael Casey to be exact, if God gives me the time to finish
it.
The next night Mikhail said he had a story for all
the Russian children, so he told them about the night the angel came to
the space station. This was an instant hit all over Mother Russia, it
was so funny too, though he had to explain who Paul Daniels was, they
liked the story a lot, not a little bit. The Indians wanted to hear the
story so could he tell them too, so he did but Mikhail told them in one
of the major Indian languages, and as each child hear the story they
hear it in the voice of their own grandfather. Japan was next and they
were astounded too, not only did know their language but the accent was
perfect, Mikhail was like a United Nations, his stories perfectly told
demanded silence, followed by tears of joy.
Mikhail spent another month in space, each night
he’d tell stories to the world’s children. He was out of this world
literally and in all other ways. When it was time for him to return he
was an international hero, for science and for story-telling. Putin
himself said he drive him from the airport to the Kremlin for a
reception. When Mikhail came down the steps from the plane his wife
jumped into his arms, Putin was dressed as a chauffeur, the election was
next month and he know good PR. The president as servant of the people.
Putin did have to close the privacy screen in the Zil because the
spaceman started on creating his happy family on the back seat of the
Zil limousine.
So Mikhail got what he wanted a big happy Russian
family, was the angel right in guessing 7, no he was wrong, Mikhail and
his wife only had 3 pregnancies. Three being Mrs Murphy’s favourite
number, three sets of triples. Mikhail set up his own Utube station to
tell stories to the world’s children, he called it You’ll Like It, a
lot. Then his friend Putin suggested he should run for president, so
that’s how a spaceman called Mikhail became the President of Russia,
because an angel came acalling, twinkle, twinkle.
that's all
Michael Casey
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