The Perfect Present

The Perfect Present ©

By
Michael Casey

Well Xmas 2018 is nearly here, I’ll probably be Home Alone in bed if I cannot get rid of this cold/flu. I once missed Easter as I had a cold for 2 weeks over my holiday period, but it did make Ang, not Ang  but Ang, another Ang I used to work with , it made her laugh. So then as now the perfect present would have been Lockets or Halls’ Soothers for my throat and nose. A present has to suit the needs of the recipient. Something they like and preferably need. So I’d jump for joy, if I could jump, if I got throat  sweets and some tissues.

An executioner would enjoy a new rope and a black mask, perfect Pierpont present, maybe a weighing scales too, useful to weigh the soon to be dead. Though what with 50 Shades of Grey those kinds of presents could be put to kinky uses, or so I’m told. You must be thoughtful when you pick presents for those you love. And if you are lazy and Re-gifty as it is called, just be careful you remove all the old gift tags with the original recipient’s name on.

Recycling  is good, it Saves the Planet, though sometimes there’s a message inside all the packaging. Such as Happy Birthday Granddad, or Droopy Drawers. So it might be wise to totally unwrap rather than passing on regardless. We once had hand lotion that had been opened and a stray name tag. We were always wary thereafter when we got presents from that person.

A hidden 2^nd present can be inside the original wrapped present, so you must be careful. A jumbo pack of  condoms inside a large box of chocolates. It might startle a maiden aunt, she might blow them up thinking they are balloons, so when you visit her for New Year they are decorating her living room just like a Hen Night, or she uses them as rubber gloves when doing the washing up. 

Or if received by grandpa he takes it as a blessing for him to start an affair with the girl from the post office. Which is all fine and good, but instead of saving his pension for you his grandchild, and you were looking forward to buying a car after Uni. Now he is in a hotel on Broad Street enjoying cheap days on Sundays with the girl from the post office, all due to inadvertently receiving a  gross of condoms.

In general though, we give with care. Michael has smelly feet so he can have Odor Eaters, Jane has greasy hair so she can have hair products, Vincent is colour blind so he can have a colouring book, they were on offer so he can like it or lump it. And on it  goes, whatever is on offer that  is the present your friends and family. Though for yourself it’s a the Game Boy, not the computer game, but the guy in the electrical  shop, you’ll buy a gross of condoms just to be ready, as well as a champagne food hamper from Netto.

Watching people’s faces as they open their deluxe Christmas presents is always nice, then you tear open the paper to see what you have got in  return. Though as I type this,  I have to confess I’ve been so tied up, no not with that rope and Pierpont’s mask thingy, but with snot, and yes you can be tied up with snot.  And a few other bits and pieces, that I’ve totally forgotten to buy a present for the one person who deserves one. Though having said that all the money has been spent on the new house, so an IOU might be in order this year, until I win the lottery. Like never.

My kids just got a nice present from their uncle so thank you to him, I’d have forgotten him too but for the postman. The postman did bring me a present too, can you guess what it was? It was an invitation, not to a Ball or a Pantomime, but from my GP, they haven’t forgotten me. They just want to prick me to see if I bleed, a needle for Christmas, what more could I want, maybe a haystack full of enough money to pay the mortgage.