Circuit Training

Circuit Training ©

By

Michael Casey

So you expect me to talk about running around and lifting weights? I’m not the Rock, though I probably weight more than him, I just googled so we may actually be the same weight. Obviously I look so much better than him, with my silver hair, I only mentioned him because he was in the paper doing a Charity thing with kids. He really looked as if he was enjoying it, so God Bless him, and more power to his elbow as they say.

Now why mention him, because I was doing my circuit this morning, which does not involve throwing the Rock around the ring till he starts to cry because I’ve broken his best fingernail, the one he uses to scratch his scratch card with, to see has he won a few quid. My circuit is leaving the house and turning right, I cannot turn left ever since the accident.

The Zoolander accident so I just cannot turn left, that is left not Left, my Political persuasions are my own dirty secret. Though no Politician could ever persuade me, not unless it involved a lot of Cream, with a cherry on top. Just so you are not Confucius and it’s very easy to get Confucius, if the Rock throws you and you bang your head then you’ll certainly get a cherry on your top, or at least a black eye.

So where was, I let me be Blunt, Emily stop slapping the Rock we know you are Mary Poppins, but stop shoving him up the chimney, he’ll never master a Cockney accent like Dick did. He can listen to MY audio online then he’ll speak Posh Birmingham, and no don’t spray Old Spice on his bum either. I know the paper today said you did not get pay parity for your jungle film. But making a grown man cry is not the answer. He can play your Gay brother in your next film together, and you can get top billing, and he can get less dollars than you. Now I hope that has sorted everything for you.

I’m going around in circles, so is the Rock I stapled his foot to the canvas accidentally, while I was getting Emily’s autograph, I thought he was security, I didn’t even know who he was all dressed up in kinky black flight suit thingy, with Jason his best buddy. I knew who Jason was, now he IS security.

Where was I, yes here, but I need to go to the kitchen soon to get another drink, and steal what’s left of the Christmas chocolate. So I just turn right and at the end of the road I have to decide shall I nip into the woods, no not for a crafty pee, it would frighten walkers and squirrels alike. Shall I turn, no not back into Santa, I look like Santa as I’m dressed all in red, but with beard now shaved. Shall I turn this way or that, or just do a Margaret, the Lady is not for Turning, Margaret.

So I turn my other cheeks to the wind, this coat is a wee bit too short, Donald’s are much longer to hide his his his whatever. And then I walk down the hill to the shops. Now if I could go more than One Direction I’d be in a boy band, but turning left leads to another part of the woods and a bigger and steeper hill, I am a kind of Benny Hill already, well at least I have the same Twinkle, maybe one day I’ll be a star.  

As I walk down the less steep hill I observe all the houses, they could build an observatory here as it’s so dark at night, which sounds like some guilty chocolate pleasure. Please Yourselves, as Frankie Howerd might say, though you’re ahead of me already. So I truck down the hill singing an old 10cc song, concentrating on getting the words right.  Only at one corner somebody tries to kill me with his car, I’m bright red everywhere with silver hair on top. Sorry Mate, I didn’t see you he shouts as he continues on his way. It was Santa, a very drunk Santa on his way home after stopping in the woods to see Lech, Boris and Gregorgi, I’m sure he’s one of their relatives.

So I finally get to the shop and see the price of sausages. We love Richmond sausages, only my Shanghai wife does not know the difference between skinless sausages and the normal variety. So my daughter insisted I went out to get the proper Richmond sausage variety. This would aid her while she studies for her Mock A Levels. I also had to buy Chorizo and wraps, these are foods that feed Science brains.

Once I’d bought these I was able to finish my circuit by prancing onto a bus to take me up that hill, I am no Kate Bush after all, more of a Benny, without the woolly hat. I overshoot my road and then prance back down the hill again before turning again right  to get to the right road. I keep right on to the end of the road, because I am a Pilgrim Hippy after all, and Eric is always practicing up in his bedroom. Sometimes with the guitar, but mainly with Sally.

Luckily I can turn a deaf ear because I’ve still sot got over my ear infection. Through Eric has blind faith in his blinds, as he and Sally scale the heights with their Domino constructions. Which is something to do about making love on a mountain, though we are just a very steep hill, or it could have something to do with tops of wardrobes. But at least I have brought the frozen sausages home.