And now it's Question Time

And now it’s Question Time ©

By

Michael Casey

Stop picking your nose we are on air in 5 seconds.

Stop shouting in my ear you will deafen me.

Let me put my best fake smile on.

Welcome to The Bell and Pump, no not a restored Victorian Pump House

The caretaker refused to let us in, said we looked like a bunch of loonies.

Moi, Angus Beefeater, THE top celebrity host, a loony.

What does the audience think?

MAD BASTARD that’s definitely you, MOOH.

The Landlord only let the BBC use his premises if the audience all drunk.

And now, they are all drunk.

Tonight we will discuss, or should I say dribble the days main events.

Please stop walking in front of my special charm soft focus camera.

Such drunken rabble, and that’s just the learned guests.

And no I don’t have any coins for the condom machine.

Have you got no self control, its only a 75 min show.

My first guest is Len short for Lenin, who is from Left.

My 2^nd guest is Amadeus who claims to be musical.

My 3^rd guest is Rex who is from the Right.

My 4^th guest is just confused who says her name is Shirley, she talks to walls.

My 5^th guest is the barmaid Sarah, who said we could not use the bar meeting room unless she was on the panel.

First Question, what bra size is Sarah, who put that in my question pile.

I did, I want to be a glamour model, says Sarah.

Moving on, do you think.

No you don’t heckles the drunken crowd.

Do you think they should bring back Capital Punishment?

Only if Sky shows it on Pay TV.

Are you so callous?

Crime should not pay, so we pay for crime by showing it on Cable TV.

Very Logical.

Amadeus what do you think?

I think therefore I am, would be a great dance anthem, rock me , rock me, Amadeus.

The pub audience takes up the beat banging he bar.

Shirley what about you, which way do you lean?

I really don’t know, it’s such a difficult question, can I phone a friend.

Shirley walks off the Stage, beer barrels with table clothes over them.

Does anybody have change for the phone?

Uncle Pierrepoint what do you think.?

HANG THE BASTARDS, if anybody hurt you I’d do it myself.

Thanks Uncle,Love you, it’s a right crock of doo doo this Question Show.

Shirley comes back and sits on her beer barrel.

I think my uncle is right, he’s such a sensitive man you know.

Shall we move on, another question from the audience.

Are condom machines in pub bars a good idea.

Who accepted these questions?

What the Producer, did you not know, the show is being canceled, after all these years.

Angus Beefeater this is your Abattoir, watch out for the blood spatters.

Len what do you think?

Well there are many a baby born in a bottle, so if it stops an unwanted baby I suppose it is a good idea.

But the price is too steep.

At that moment balloons made from condoms float all over the bar, not very Jules Verne, but still great tv for the director.

Can I have a drink asks Angus Beefeater, his career ending in tatters.

He is given a bottle of Polish Vodka from under the bar, Sarah has decided he’d make husband material, so she wants him to loosen up.

Normally at this point in the show arguments are raging and Angus Beefeater twinkles and leans over and tries to look masterful.

Sadly he is far from masterful, just like a weak chairman in some Carry On film, but to Sarah, he is the one she has adored for years.

The audience is getting more and more quiet now, a cheap bar will do that to you.

Can I have at least one sensible question, now that my career is ending?

Do you believe in love at first sight? And is sex on the first date cheap, or is it ok so long as you stay together forever after that one moment of lust?

Angus realises it’s Sarah who is asking him.

So as the credits roll Angus and Sarah get it on, and Barry White sings over the PA, You are My First, My Last, My everything.

Sometimes Questions are just a waste of time, why have questions, when there are always more questions than answers. You should  just put the Barry White on and and Let the Answer be  L O V E.