Leftovers or I am a Dustbin

Leftovers or I am a Dustbin ©

By

Michael Casey

My daughter has a big table behind me to do her work on, she’s doing her A Levels in 2019, and as ever she has left a load of junk on it. So like any good dad I have tidied up after her, ok, I’ve scavenged to see if I can find anything useful. I found the sweets first, followed by a scrap of paper that has turned out to be 2 pieces of chewing gum, if the roles were reversed the scrap of paper could have contained my snot neatly bundled up. What, you are disgusted? I bet you never wiped your snot on walls as a child, you were perfect weren’t you?

Back to this perfect dad, I never knew they did mini boxes of Celebrations, I’ve just found one amongst the rubble, so I’m celebrating myself. It’s always good to find unexpected chocolate, it’s like a kiss, always welcomed, not unless it’s a Glasgow Kiss, which is slang for a head-butt. I’m chewing the gum now, but I have to be careful or the chocolate will stick to it. Bits of bounty bar stuck to chewing gum can be tricky, but I can multi-task, I bet you are all impressed, maybe I’ll write a poem about it later, I am a poet as well you know.

What else was on the desk behind me, well the bag itself said Celebrate on it, so I’ve folded the bad and saved it, ok I’ve stuck it down the side of the bookcase in the corner. I can reuse it for one of the family Birthdays or Christmases, I am an original recycler, ok I’m a whore, sorry I mistyped, I am a hoarder. Why throw away when you can use again. Or is that being a whore after all, I know you all have your own opinions about me, that’s why there are no comments allowed on my sites, just send me an amusing email. Tell me you have a goat that eats grass, and you save the money to buy apple trees, then you get drunk on scrumpy and cannot remember where you are. Which sounds like me in the middle of a story, but I always get to the end of a page.

My daughter also has a nice new note book on the study table behind me, it has scripture verses at the top of each page. It was a reward for pole climbing  with the vicar. Perhaps I should exclaim, she and others had to climb poles, not Poles, she had to climb a telegraph pole and jump onto a trapeze thing. I think she was going to run away and join the crew in Madagascar, they say travel broadens the mind after all. Ok, for those of you who could be confused it was an outward bound trip for young leaders.

Me and my other daughter enjoyed the quiet while big sister was being a lumberjack, as for the vicar he had to rush back to do a wedding, there is no rest for the wicked and journalists. Our vicar Paul, used to be a journalist, my priest is an Editor, freelance, and yes I am just so very annoying. You are all so cruel. Go listen to every episode of Around the Horne, it may educate you, calling me annoying. I’m just fat and silver haired and  wearing shades and I’m from Birmingham, the one in ENGLAND.

What else did I find amongst the rubbish, a piece of string with knots in, I thought it was a DIY Rosary beads but the vicar is with the opposition, so I assume there was no tv so the teenagers made knots  to pass the time. Prayer beads of any kind are always good, I speak from experience. I’ve just looked back and the desk is far tidier now. Little miss just complained about the loss of chocolate, but if you leave mess and chocolate unattended for 4 days what do you expect? Dads have to do tough love too, if there is chocolate a dad will just have to force himself to eat it, am I right dads?

Well this chewing gum is beginning to lose its flavour, maybe I should leave it on my daughter’s bedpost, you remember the song after all? So all in all please don’t leave rubbish lying around, your old dad may fall over it. And if it’s mum who is tidying up the dustmen will have everything, Tidy or Throw is her motto, and Throw is her preferred option. So children you have all been warned. Sometimes though I think I am related to Rupert Murdoch, well his Sky tv is always on about recycling, perhaps Rupert could recycle my words into tv programmes, I am so very cheap after all.