Hunting Around

Hunting Around ©

By

Michael Casey

I was wondering what to talk to you about tonight, I’m in a bit of pain but I won’t talk about that as it bores you, I just wish I didn’t have pain in my life. So instead Let’s Talk about Hunting Around, I’m not talking about Totoro our cat going hunting either, I’m talking about all of us when we hunt around for anything. I was doing my Gay Dad shopping the other day, hunting around for stuff for my daughter to wear. Now she’s at college, a very good one, she needs more clothes, she is a 16 year old girl after all.

So she sits down beside me and we look online together on my big screen monitor, she already has had a look on her own, now together we look again. It’s at this point that the Gay Dad recommends a different shade of this or a totally different colour of that. And of course I am right. She went to college and wowed them. By having her dad look at the items, two things happen, I sprinkle my Gay Dad’s fairy dust on the shopping. And then I have the honour of paying for everything.

Then her little sister spots her online as she is filmed entering the classroom for A Level Philosophy in her new attire. Really there should be an essay on The Influence of Gay Dad’s in the Purchasing Processes for Adolescence Attire. Or in plain English, dad may be a fat silver haired writer in shades, well in his own imagination, but he knows his shades, and best of all he pays for what I wear.

So that explains one form of hunting around. Another is when you are looking for the cat and Totoro has not hidden under any bed but in the bed snuggled under the duvet. So you go hunting High and Low, just like the Ah Ha song while the cat gently slumbers. You are the fool looking for the cat to feed it, because you noticed the cat’s bowl was empty but the cat has already been fed and is sleeping it off.

Presents for Christmas and Birthdays also involve lots of hunting high and low, especially if its for a sister or wife or lover. For a woman you have to prove how much you love her, so nothing or anything won’t do. So what can you give the girl who has everything? And I’m not talking about ex-wives either, they literally do have everything, all your stuff. But I digress, you need to look hard to please a woman. In the end you give her driving gloves to match the weather, cold. They happen to be 1/2 price, in a sale, so those are the ones you give, which is great as you were down to your last note in your wallet. But you still have that emergency note in your back pocket, the one your dad always told you to keep for the rainy day. Which means you can buy some Stella Artois to console yourself with as its still 3 days till pay day.

On other occasions you have no cash left at all and a Birthday is due, so in desperation you look about your office and see an old photo of the pair of you. You can’t not give something, you know each other 50years. But then inspiration strikes, you take the photo out the frame and photocopy it on the new office copier. Then you take the wedding photos out and use the silver frame with a brand new copy of your life long friend. Using your best new free sample pen you write Still My Best Friend on the bottom of the photo. Your friend is soppy so he’ll love a larger version of the photo in a silver frame. You have to polish the frame and glass first, but the office cleaner does it for you as you are so rubbish. This will lead to you and the cleaner having an affair at a later date, from acorns might oaks do grow after all.

And on life goes, finding clean pants and socks in the morning as you cannot find where the wife has tidied away your clothes. You end up going to work with different coloured socks. This makes the cleaner laugh, and though she is 20 years younger she wants to mother you, and you in turn give in, and turn her into a mother.

So the moral of the story is, be tidy be organised, be what you want to be, but be careful. Because otherwise the cleaner’s brother may be hunting high and low, and not to give you a silver photo frame.