Letter Writing for Beginners

Letter Writing for Beginners ©

By

Michael Casey

They say letter writing is a dying art, I just wrote a letter to my oldest friend, I know him nearly 50 years now. In fact his granny knew my mother before I even knew him. He maintains that I nearly killed him, I only punched him once, he says his heart stopped, that was back in 1st year of grammar school, or Year 7 as they call it nowadays. He did invite me to his graduation when he got his PhD from Canterbury, and we did stumble around the city talking loudly and drinking beer a few years before that. So we do exchange the occasional missive.

He is a Bio-Chemist by the way, so I ask him about my flatulence and he replies try putting a straw up your bum and burn off the vented gas. Nice, as if I nearly killed all those years ago, he has never forgiven me. I did invite him to my wedding after all. So when you go back such a long time there is plenty to remember especially the bits you would rather forget, like standing naked together in the showers after our field trip to Romsley. Then the teachers forcing us to scrub each others backs, so we all would go home to mom smelling nice. In  today’s world that may sound suspect, but 50 years ago nothing was wrong.

Now that you have the horrible picture of a naked me covered in suds in your minds perhaps I should move on. Though some female readers may wish to pause and have a Cadbury’s flake, if you can all remember that advert from years ago.

So where was I, letter writing, and no I’m not naked and covered in suds with a Cadbury’s flake in my hand instead of a quill. I’m sat here at the computer talking to you all, and please Ukraine put that rifle away as you could shoot the suds off my back as I talk to you, and I wouldn’t want my flake to crumble.

Thanks Ukraine, now where was I, when you write a letter you want to amuse your friends. Don’t them about the car being written off, or the burglary at your brother’s house, that will only worry them. Ask them can they send a new set of false teeth for grannie and she dropped them down the toilet. They have her measurements in Warsaw from the last time she visited the family. So just get a new set made and post it in an old cheese box to us here in Kiev. And leave some cheese in the post so she can have something nice to eat when the replacement false teeth arrive. If you all remember in The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker by Michael Casey the farting fat silver haired writer in shades from Birmingham, in the book at a Wedding Mrs Kemp lost her false teeth down the toilet, but Big Sid the butcher managed to rescue them.

What else can you put in a letter, you can add a few photos of your friends, and maybe a note or two with as many zeros at the end as possible. Or an embarrassing photo of one of your friends, but remember the Post Man might accidentally see the photos, so make sure you seal the envelope properly.

A letter is cherished and can be kept in an old biscuit tin, so ten years later when your friend gets married you can blow up the photos and plaster them all over the walls of his wedding venue. When it was my 50th Birthday my friends at work blew up Leslie Nielsen photos to poster size and put them on the walls of the print room where I was working. With my face superimposed. As big as 1/2 a door, all over the walls of the print room. Only they had guessed wrong the date  of my Birthday. I still have a silver pen on the computer desk in front of me from that Birthday. 

Memories are tied to the paper in a letter, its more important than a Snapchat, so try putting it on paper and posting it in an envelope. Or at the very least send a long email with photos included. If the spirit of the letter is right your friend may print it off, or at least save it to the Stupid Michael Casey Folder.

I was going to give “advice” about letter writing, when really there is none, just give your heart in a letter, and share laughter. Then your friends and family will look forward to the next one you send, and then one after that. Letters light the fuse of family feelings, and without feelings there are no families.