Vote for the best Owner

Vote for the best Owner  ©

By

Michael Casey

Well the Election is on, again, don’t these Humans have nothing better to do? I was born after that other Election 2 years ago. My owner had said his daughters could have a dog If he died or a cat if he had a heart attack. He had an unplanned quadruple heart attack, whatever that is, I think its when 4 cats attack a dog and he knows who the boss is.

So I was born around the corner from my owner’s house, around the time the Feet Showing PM was PM, before he resigned to spend time in his shed, its a very nice shed, its perfect for cats. If it wasn’t so far away I’d go and spray all over it. I did spray all over my owner’s big daughter, twice, so she is doubly blessed as my owner’s mother would say.

He wanted a Tom cat, the owner did, but he got me, Totoro instead. Silly name said David the Godfather, no he isn’t Italian he’s a church organist, but he does like cats, so I’ll forgive him. If he didn’t live so far away I’d spray on him too.

I was kidnapped at 6 weeks old and taken around the corner in a plastic cage. But at least I did not have to share any more, I got my own basket and food bowl. They did not like my poohing in the corner behind the tv, so they scooped me out and put me in the litter tray. Ok, a small new washing up bowl. I did try hiding and poohing under the kitchen sink. But they blocked it off with old Clarks shoe boxes. It was fun trying to pooh everywhere, but I got fed up of that game and used the blue plastic washing up bowl.

It was strange at first hearing 2 languages, English and Chinese, but I know what Dinner means, so I made the effort and leant the 2 hardest languages in the world. And I got no student grant for doing so. I did get boxes and boxes of Whiskas though, its the best cat food there is, his daughters said it would make me last forever. They said as long as the cat lived then the owner would live, reverse Psychology or something. How would I know, I’m a cat, understanding English and Chinese is enough for me, miaow.

So I was a house cat for months and months but I escaped, trees and gardens and fences are such great fun, better that any Wacky Warehouse, whatever that is. Finally my owner persuaded then that I should go outside. However I had to have 2 bells and a Best Bitch badge hung around my neck on the collar. I think the badge means they love me so much. Though they did say a Lesbian friend had handed them out one Christmas, whatever that means, I’m a cat not a dictionary.

So now its two years on and another Election, why don’t Humans just use flea powder, to stop Elections and Referendums, though a referendum does sound like something the vet does with his finger up your, your, well you know what I mean. I did have a visit to the vet myself, once they discovered I was not a Tom. They shaved me and took my something away, don’t ask me what I was asleep, besides long vet words are totally incomprehensible, why can’t they just stick to English or Chinese.

Now the moggie next door, I really hate her by the way, stealing my spot on the fence, yes it’s her owner’s fence, but its still my spot,do you wanna fight about it? Well she said as there is another Election perhaps the local cats should vote for best owner. I nearly choked on my Whiskas, does she watch too much telly or what, get a life, get nine in fact. Her owner is a Journalist she said, I said is that why he can barely move the recycle bin as its so full of beer bottles.

So she spat at me, so I swiped her and she fell off the fence into the water butt, I watch tv too, Muhammed Ali is my favourite. Float like a butterfly sting like a bee, and swipe that cat. Ding Ding my bells go as I laugh at a floating cat in a water butt.

So Nasty as I call the neighbour’s cat, goes around canvassing for the Best Owner award. What do they get I ask trying not to be interested, nothing. Then why do it, because that’s what my owner does, asking annoying silly questions to people about the Election. You are definitely like your owner then, Nasty swells with pride so I swipe her again and she falls into the water butt again, Ali called it Rope a Dope, I like Ali, he would have been a great cat owner.

Finally after a week of canvassing Nasty asks me for my vote, she is not standing anywhere the water butt. So I just say I have many owners. My real owner, the little Polish boy down the road, the Gay couple at the bottom of the garden, the Curry house people over 5 fences away, the Japanese boy, the little old lady in 98. I go though the list of 12 or even 20 places where I visit and get food.

But how do you manage to fit it all in? Nasty asks moving closer to me. I eat Whiskas, and I enjoy eating out and people like me, because I am not you. I’m a posh cat. Besides I have nine lives so I have plenty of time to fit it all in. With that I swipe Nasty and she falls into the water butt yet again. She must be very holy now, being baptised in the water butt so often.

As for me, I may pay a visit to London after the election to see my cousin. Have you never seen the PM’s cat? It looks exactly like me, that’s because we are related, so I vote for the cat.