The House © a story for children of all
ages
my daughter asked
me to write a children’s story so here’s what I’ve written so far, any children's publishers out there do
get in touch
from years ago
The House ©
a story for
children of all ages
By Michael Casey
Pretentious Preface
Sorry for being
Pretentious but my small daughter, Eve asked me to write a book for children. I
told her I’d written 100s of stories about children, but she said she wanted
stories FOR children. I blame Roal Daol and David Walliams for being just too
good and influencing her too much. So I will be trying my best to produce
something just for her and for children of all ages. So that is why I’ve put a
pretentious preface. Now on with the book, it’s 3rd January
2015 and its cold and damp and my 3 girls have gone to London to meet a
Shanghai cousin. So I have a few hours peace, just me and Arthur in the house,
as I begin my tale…..
One
I suppose I should
tell you just who is Arthur is, he is not real, he is not a ghost either,
though he does make me scream. Arthur is in fact a pseudonym, which is a big
and difficult word to spell. Ok, it’s a pen name, or a nom de plume, but not la
plume de ma tante if you are doing French at school. Arthur is in fact a
disguise, it’s a name for a BASTARD, go and ask your grannie should you
be reading that word at your age. If she says it’s ok then please continue
reading. If you no longer have this book then maybe you’ll be allowed to read
it next year.
Well grannie it
looks as if I’m writing for grannies now and not children. Though if I reveal
that Arthur is the name I call my arthritis then I know you will agree with me
that Arthur is a BASTARD. If you are laughing grannie maybe your granddaughter
can have her book back now? I’ll try and be civil with my tongue, your
granddaughter will let you know if I say any more bad words further along in
the book. I don’t think I will as my wife would throw Bibles at me, we have 4
in the house, some are even in Chinese. And you have your own special words for
your own arthritis, and what I said is holy by comparison.
Ok, so we are back
together again children, but at least you know how gran feels and why she
smells funny. It’s the liniment and spray she uses for her own Arthur, which
can be confusing as her husband is called Arthur. So when she is cursing her
Arthur she is not cursing her Arthur, but her Arthur. I hope that is crystal
clear for you. One tip though, tell her Movelat is fast working and has a
better perfume than Deep Heat.
Talking of perfume
why do old ladies use too much perfume? It’s to cover the aroma of Deep Heat,
this is obvious, even a child as young as you will know that. I’m being to
sound like Lemony Snicket, if you have read his books you will know what I
mean, if you haven’t read him yet then you are in for a treat.
Sorry for the
pause, oh you did not notice, well I went to the kitchen for a cup of tea, I
have to keep my mouth lubricated as I talk to you. But I’m reading, stupid, you
calling me stupid and I’m sat here in a cold house with just my Arthur for
company. I’m going to ignore you and finish my tea, I may not bother talking to
you again with that kind of attitude.
See I’ve started a
new paragraph, left you abandoned on a raft of a paragraph, so you can’t me
stupid any more. I’ve even put my tongue out at you, oh no, I’ve just spilt hot
tea down myself now. You don’t think of all the trouble the writer goes to, do
you. There you are just a selfish reader, I should make you give the book back
to your gran.
Ok, another new
paragraph now, I’ve calmed down and changed my clothes, but there is a damp
patch on the carpet in front of the computer. What I was trying to say was that
a good book should be a conversation, a talk, a chat. You are not reading you
are listening, that’s my style. If you have to get a dictionary out after every
other sentence then it’s not fun. Though it does expand your vocabulary.
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