Putin & Trump on the road again

Posted bymichaelgcasey01/07/2020Posted inUncategorizedEditPutin & Trump on the road again

I’m Setting Up a Band ©

By

Michael Casey

The Pope was cursing, he had had enough, those Heathens were just that Heathens. He just wanted a quiet life, all alone with his Rosary, maybe it was Divine Inspiration, or maybe God was playing a trick, it couldn’t be a dream it was more like a living nightmare. But this is what happened.

Donald Trump said he’d resign immediately if Putin did too, he did have his fingers crossed behind his back, and Fox did show his fingers. Francis, Pope Francis was watching the BBC, for the sake of his sanity, when he heard Donald Trump make yet another lie. Francis looked up at the Cross on the wall, Lord if Trump and Putin both resigned now that might be a good thing. But it’s more likely that I resign too, and what would the 3 of us do then, form a Rock Band like in the Blues Brothers.

Francis liked that film, especially when the Nun hits the boys with a ruler for swearing. Francis smiled, Rahm Emanuel is leaving Chicago soon, perhaps he should be our manager. There is always a Jewish manager in pop bands, Francis smiled again.

Now God works in mysterious ways, and as he was tending to a junkie who had just entered the Gates of Heaven, washing his feet and kissing his track marks and then putting his a white suit like a 60s band member, well God thought it would be a bit of fun. So a dream, the same dream entered Putin’s and Trump’s mind. The next day simultaneously they invited the other to Birmingham England, God loved the surreal so it just had to be Birmingham. The Press corps thought Trump was on drugs, but as they laughed, and Jon Sopal led the chorus of REALLY? The news came in that Putin had just made the same comments. In actual fact, when they checked the announcement had been made simultaneously.

Was Putin on drugs too, was there Collusion? Trump winged it, I had a dream last night, much better than what’s his name’s dream, yes Queen, I mean King. In the dream it said meet Putin in Birmingham. Barron my son said he’s like to look at the Pre-Raphaelites, whatever they are. He wants to meet Michael Casey the fat silver haired writer in shades too, he’s in Birmingham. Though it’s more likely the Secret Service will just shave his head and make a wig for that loser, Jeff Bezo, that’ll teach him and his failing Washington Post.

I like that idea myself, but Jeff’s wig would be no match for my mane. And that’ll teach Casey to respect THE PRESIDENT, Trump reached for his phone to tweet that bit. The entire  Press Corps reached for their phones to read what he had just Twittered. Jon Sopal ran from the room laughing and in search of a fresh pair of trousers, he’d just pissed himself laughing. There was a rush for the men’s room, Trump was left alone rambling.

In Russia Putin said he had had a dream too, he was naked and riding a horse through woods, the trees swayed and turned into displays of watches hanging from every tree branch. It was a metaphor to remind him that as great as he looked on his horse one day his time would be up. Just as Autumn leaves fell, as the watches started to drop off Putin  realised he only had so much time, his secret heart problem would in the end kill him. So he would meet Trump in Birmingham, he knew what Pre-Raphaelites were and he’d enjoy looking at them. He might even bring an Easter egg to the museum, a jewelled one. He’d get to taste Cadburys chocolate eggs too, what more could any Russian want?

The Pope was asked was this Divine Intervention, he just joked was that some American singer. But in his heart Francis knew what he had to do. He must go to Birmingham and jump out of a Confessional and persuade the two of them to resign immediately. Maybe then the world would stand a chance, he would trick them by saying, if you both resign I’ll resign too, and we can form a Rock Band. He’d had a phone call from Theresa May the night before, after she’d stopped swearing he said maybe she could resign and become a lead singer in a rock band. She laughed, if you get Putin and Trump to do it, then I’ll do it. Francis got her to say it 3 times and he recorded it, Nixon learnt everything he knew about taping from his old priest after all. All Francis had to do was to sneak into Birmingham cathedral, and then pounce, he’d record everything with his bodycam and then upload it to the Web. Then both Trump and Putin would have to resign. And to keep his bargain with God so would he, and Theresa May could be the lead singer. In Paradise the junkie laughed till he cried, am I still on drugs Lord? Yes, it’s called God’s Love, the only drug worth having.

Francis had a problem, he couldn’t get a flight to Birmingham, everything was booked, all the world was coming to Birmingham. Luckily he had a friend with a balloon, Richard Branson was his name. Richard explained his balloon would not be fast enough, but he had a friend called Musk or something. Now this friend loved rockets, so if they strapped a rocket to the basket then they’d get there much faster than 80 days. Francis gave Musk some scented candles as a thank you.

Richard flew the balloon at night, and landed at the Oratory, Benedict had asked Francis to return a book of Newman’s he’d borrowed.At the Oratory Francis would catch a black taxi driven by Nanjit Tanjit, who Nanjit Tanjit, he’s a character in The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker, you’ll have to do some research. And then under cover of darkness Francis would sneak into Birmingham’s Saint Phillips’ cathedral. In the morning Trump and Putin would light a candle for Peace.

There were no confessionals in Saint Phillips as it was an Anglican cathedral, very small but very nice. This writer used to hide in there during his lunch break for 3 years, the Verger who looks like Jeff Bezo thought I was Holy, I was just sitting down, away from the heat of the Print Room at Pinsent Masons law firm. Francis just hid for teh night in something just as small as the Confessional, the toilet at the back of the church behind the double doors.

In the morning Francis all in crumbled white readied himself. The Secret Service and the FSB had checked the cathedral, so Trump and Putin were all alone, just a remote camera showing live pictures only. Francis had written “out of order” on a piece of paper so nobody had bothered to check the toilet. As they postured for the cameras Trump and Putin spoke. Well NO COLUSION, smiled Trump, yea but I still want the Presidential Suite as soon as your tower in built in Saint Petersburg. Deal done smiled Trump and they shook hands. The candles were lit and they bowed their heads. Don Camillo would have given both of them an almighty kick up the arse. Saint Petersburg, they had changed the city, the heir to Saint Peter was angry.

Francis jumped out and grabbed a lit candle, the pair of presidents, which is a metaphor, jumped back. We thought we saw a Ghost they exclaimed. The Holy Ghost sent me, now you both have to resign immediately and join a Rock Band, the pair of presidents, still a metaphor laughed. If Theresa May is lead singer and flashes her legs then we’ll do it. Ok we will they both joked like a pair a presidents, even more a metaphor. Francis paused, if you 2 resign then I will too, so long as Theresa May joins the band? YES YES YES they said simultaneously. Francis was uploading this to the Holy Friar website, in second the whole world heard the news. Then he played the tape of Theresa May, including the bit where she was swearing like a trooper.

And that is how the Golden Politicians were born. Francis too resigned on the spot. He wasn’t going to flat share the Vatican with Benedict and his piano. He was hitting the road Jack and he wouldn’t look back. In Parliament Mrs May punched the Speaker, which many had thought would happen, but Mr Bercow just smiled, our views may be at variance, but to forgive is divine, so I forgive. Mrs May had come to her senses by now so she French Kissed the life out of him by way of apology. The kiss lasted a full nine minutes, they say being Speaker is a dangerous occupation, but now History would say otherwise.

If you have wondered why Mr May always looks so happy and slightly bewildered behind his Biggles’ glasses well the Speaker can explain things for you. With a parting Vsign to her own back benchers Mrs May left the chamber, now the Speaker looked happy and very very bewildered behind his disordered papers. He had to order a pint of Stella Artois be brought to the Chamber to revive him.

The new band members met in an upper room, the old Waterworks Jazz club venue. They had a pint of Stella Artois each, though Pope Francis has a glass of wine too. Donald said he did not drink, but when Theresa gave him the eye he was putty in her hands. So Donald had 17 pints of Stella Artois and a packet of cheese and onion crisps. His lifetime thirst was over. Stan the caretaker tapped another barrel. Then then the new band moved to the Bell and Pump room to rehearse. Theresa now liberated was the leader of the pack, and dressed all in skin tight leather she now felt so so liberated.

They rehearsed all the ABBA back list, it was the one thing they all knew. Francis was a great base guitarist, and Putin just liked to stand at the keyboards, he was great, but Classical was more his forte,but everybody just loves ABBA. Put what about Donald? Well he put on a kilt and no knickers, and reached for a guitar. He knew that girls loved to sleep with rock musicians, so he had secretly learnt how to play. The servants had assumed the noise in the attic was his kids, but no, it was the Donald. He’d paid Mick and Keith a lot of money to come and teach him back in the 1970s. And he’d been practising for decades. Property he knew, but strutting with a guitar he was even better at, but nobody knew. Except a few ladies who’d signed non disclosure agreements.

So they played, while Rahm Emanuel their new manager made calls as only a Chicago mayor or former mayor can. He’d left Chicago safe in the hands of a Black Lesbian Mayor, now Rahm Emanuel would face his biggest test. Getting the biggest paying concert ever on the road. The Stones were  delayed so while Mick stopped prancing they could step in and seize their stage. Two Presidents, a Pope and a Prime Minister. What a line up, Rahm Emanuel decided to call them The Four Golden Peas. He rung Esther his dear friend and asked could she arrange security and the finances once he funnel them to her. Security was easy her son made military satellites, and knew many tough guys.

The money side of things was kind of not legit, you see all the money would be going to Charity. The first charity being  Médecins Sans Frontières, MSF or Doctors without Borders. Those bastards, the politicians had started more wars between them so they should give back something.

So Médecins Sans Frontières, would be first. Rahm had set himself a target, One Billion US Dollars. And to help things along, Fr.Dan was going to hear Confession with El Chapo and when he finished every cent he had stashed away would be going to Charity, real Charity not his favourite hooker called Charity.

Fr. Dan knew how to hear Confession, he would beat the ____ out of El Chapo while they were along in his cell. Then he would use Voodoo and put the fear of God into El Chapo, finishing with the words, God Doesn’t Love You Any More. This would break any man in 30 mins tops. Screaming for mercy El Chapo would reveal all. Then Esther would use her Russian Money Laundering Connections to launder the money, and it would end up sparkling clean in each Charity’s bank account. Besides with Putin in the band, no questions would be asked.

Rahm Emanuel smiled, he should have been in the real Blues Brothers but he was just too busy, though he did do one day’s work on the film. It was Rahm Emanuel who drove the car at the Neo Nazi Bastards, so they had to jump for their lives. Not a lot of people known this, Rahm is modest about his film driving career.

The first gig arrived. It would be at Birmingham’s NEC Arena, the one that looks like Spider landed. Rahm Emanuel smiled, Fr Dan had IMed Chapo had talked, in fact he sung like a canary, when a multi black belt Jesuit asks you a question then you answer. Fr.Dan had used Voodoo too, Chapo had peed himself in under a minute. The guards were watching the Concert live in their rest room, so Fr.Dan was left in peace to hear Confession.Rahm was too busy to count the zeros, it was 15,000,000,000 USD.

Esther smiled, her dear friend Mrs Murphy would be so happy, but now she was busy moving the money. In and out of Government’s own bank accounts as well, to make it all sparkling clean. Esther has her list of Charities and smiling she went about her work. Meanwhile Artist Differences had reared their ugly head. Theresa decided to let it all hang out. So she stripped naked and demanded they all did the same. Stripped back music, was different, maybe kissing Bercow had confused her. Give me your tie Donald. So Theresa wrapped his red tie down below. She was like Cher with her modesty half covered but with her behind hanging out. Then she grabbed Donald’s lapel badge to cover her left nipple and Rahm gave her his badge for the right nipple.

Glitter me she commanded, and then she was spray painted in glitter,the perfect Glam Rock look. The Pope stayed clothed in white, but he wore silver high heels. Donald and Putin were sprayed in glitter, Donald lost his trousers but put a kilt back on. Putin just put some very tight shorts on to highlight his accomplishments, of course he was bar chested too.

With that Francis started to play, And The Winner Takes it All, and Theresa May strode out and hit the stage. Overwhelming Applause. She did grab her husband and give him the kind of kiss you’d get arrested for if you did it in public. They lashed the crowd with ABBA hits, and everybody was amazed  and Donald Trump showed the world his class and more as he spun around in his kilt, knickerlass to the world. Putin stopped the show with his piano playing, he inserted a few Russian classics.There were no flies on him, and certainly no shirt required, he played his heart out. On the top of the keyboard were Cadburys cream eggs which he scoffed as the show went on.

Francis disappeared in smoke, like holy orders gone mad, but his Bass was unbelievable. Back home Benedict was a little jealous, he was stuck in the Vatican and soon they’d be a 3rd Pope. When they ran out of Abba songs Putin to sing, Russian traditional songs about combine harvesters and wheat yield. But he knew nobody would understand, so he cried as he sung and as the others jammed around. It was an absolute hit, everybody in the audience was crying. Esther was laughing all the way to the bank. 40,000,000,000 USD had been stolen from locked up drugs barrons, as Fr. Dan had toured the jails. Many many charities had benefited. Even Spangle Shoes for Prisoners would get 10,000USD.

What more can I say. Theresa May was a Rock Chic, she wiggled and sung with all her heart. She was free from all those BASTARDS, now she could give her husband everything she had. Her husband rung Beds4Politicians and ordered a new divan set, he knew he’d be needing it. Covered in Sweat and Naked before the Audience, was the title of the Live Triple Album, Rahm certainly knew a good title. That made 100,000,000 USD for Charity. The true figures were never released to the Public nor to Governments, Esther and Rahm didn’t want too many nosey parkers into their business. They’d give the finger to those kind of people.

At the end of the concert Rahm gave each member of the band a crisp dollar bill. After expenses this is what you get. A dollar each, the Pope looked at the reverse. IN GOD WE TRUST. Pope Francis cried, he cried like a baby. Then he woke up, it had all been a dream. But when he woke up under his pillow was a fresh dollar bill with Love Rahm written on it.

Theresa May woke up her new divan set, Beds4Politicians, was broken,  her husband was gently smouldering, tea and crumpet for breakfast dear. I’ve had the strangest of dreams she began sitting up in bed, a crisp dollar bill with Love Rahm was under her pillow, and why had she got USA flags stuck to her nipples. And what was irritating her down below, she pulled out a red tie, her husband never wore red.

What of Trump and Putin? They awoke in The Plough and Harrow, they were in bed together, naked with each clasping a dollar bill signed by Rahm Emanuel. Now am I making this all up, or is this a Dream within a Dream. Donald did say at the beginning that he had a dream better than a Queens…..  

Waiting for the Kettle to Boil

Waiting for the Kettle to Boil ©

By Michael Casey

Well we just put out the rubbish into the outside dustbin, and  as I sat waiting for the kettle to boil I wondered what to write about, and that’s why you are getting this, waiting for the kettle to boil, see I’ll write about any rubbish, but I don’t write rubbish, I’ll pause while the cat chokes on the floor besides me. As the kettle boiled I thought a few thoughts about kettles and water, and a watched kettle never boiling. So now I’m back sat in front of the computer I’ll put them together as Annie Lenox sings from Peace, and feeling 17 again.

A kettle has first to be filled with water, or fresh water first thing in the morning as my dad used to say. My mother’s house had a well right beside it back in Cromane Lower, both the house and the well are no more now, but I do have photos. Everything does start with water after all, Life itself. It’s the pond of life, that is disturbed and ripples till new life is born.

Life is cold, it has to be nurtured, to be warmed up with love, it has to have it’s temperature risen, like in the Elvis song. So as the kettle gets hotter, on the crane over the fire, the family awakes. Dad’s house had a 10 feet wide fireplace, you could even sit inside it, beside the fire, the crane hanging there with a truly enormous kettle. There were 10 kids plus mum and dad in 1920s Ireland, just Morris and his wife now, and the 60 acres and the cattle. Yes really, that’s why I belong to a Clan.

As the kettle boils the cups are lined up and the large tea pot is got ready, though it was always coffee for me, my eldest brother bringing it home from grammar school 57 years ago maybe. That’s why I drink instant coffee, Kenco.

The big cast-iron frying pan got ready too, ready for the feeding of the five thousand before we go off to school. And on it goes through the years, the kettle might change but the ritual remains. The celebrants change too as we children grow and leave home, and come back again, depending on financial circumstances. Putting the kettle on for the washing up as  we have cake and tea on a Sunday, me and my brother being forced out to serve at Benediction, missing our Sunday tv. So, we learn to power walk home, just in time for the Clangers, the original inhabitants of the Moon.

Life itself comes to the boil as we get jobs and change jobs, or are abused by some employers. Rest and reward, and a reassuring cup of tea, as dad shaves in the kitchen because the upstairs bathroom is so cold. Don’t worry, and it was on his Birthday that your employer relegated you to the dole queue. Many cups of tea, or my coffee you end up with a job for life. Market Research into Alcohol sales, and you living in the shadow of a brewery, and with many an alcoholic lodger. God does have a sense of humour, and mum always had a saying and a prayer for every occasion, she should be Jewish not Catholic, but Love of God is universal.

The kettle continues to boil and you have steady work, though tons of shifts and nights. Dad did nights, but a kindly G.P. got him out of them, but I did 14 years worth. It does build a bond between us, he sweated in a steel works, I worked all the hours under the sun. Radio Four being my 20 year education, and maybe salvation. And on the kettle boils.

Water is for sharing, as is alcohol, and I saw much of that during my decades with Market Research into Alcohol Sales, StatsMR where are you all now? You get your own home, as dad encouraged us to stay at home, until we got our own homes, we give money to a stranger, and what was a bit of food, and the kettle was always always boiling at home. And I’ve started to cry now as I talk to you, you just cannot imagine mum’s and dad’s strength, and love. That’s why I could not bring myself to put dad in The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker. However, he was in me, just as I am in my own children, his love appeared in the character Big Sid the Butcher. I only realised after I finished, who was this big man with such love in him, I had written my own father. So, if ever I finish Tears for Butcher, Big Sid will be there waiting for me, just as my own father did, staying up late just to see me before he went to bed.

And the kettle boils on, and tears appear again, he is no longer here, but I am who I am because of him, and my mother. Thousands of cups of tea, and my coffee, meals and laughter and pain, all shared, and sacrificed. I could go on but it would overwhelm me right now, but there’s always another day, and as dad always said When God made Time he made Plenty of It. And  as you remember yesterday mum always said, With the Help of God and Two Policemen, and perhaps maybe a cup of tea, the kettle is boiled now.

CIA online recruiting

C.I.A. Online Recruiting (c)
By
Michael Casey

C.I.A. Online Recruiting

It was in the paper so it got me thinking....

So Mr Casey, or is it Miss?

YOU look so convincing dressed in drag.

I am a Mr, but under cover I can be a Miss, I studied under Danny La Rue

I am great under the  covers too

Are you talking dirty Mr Casey

Under a dust cover

You are a decorator?

A dust jacket, I am a Writer

We never use the W word here, ask Mr Bolton

Just the T word a lot, so I've heard from my friends

Who told you

A friend, down the chip shop

Are you good at battering then

Only  with a wet lettuce at the back of the legs

Would  you kill a man

Only if I had to

What about a women

Only if we were under the covers

She's die with a smile on her face

My  words go very deep

Do you mind  travelling a lot

So long as I get a free bus pass and dinner money

Can you keep a secret

I'd only tell my sister on a Friday, we always go to Bingo together

Are you good at disguises

Well if i don't shave or wash I smell so much nobody looks at me

Are you a linguist

Please ask the question again in Queens English

What is you sexuality

Yes please

I'll put it another way, do you like men or women

Women only

James Bond said he's do it any which way

He thought it was a Clint Eastwood film perhaps

Can you run fast

As fast as the average man my age in my condition

Good, as least you can bluff

Would you mind taking off your clothes

Where should I put them

In the box ready for the Jumble Sale

So you are very obedient

Women like obedient men

How do you know

I can see you sizing up my accomplishments

Now if we pushed you out the door now

I'm naked

As a test if we pushed you out

Could you cope and not get arrested

I could

Shall we try

Yes, but can I use your credit card

No why

Because I just palmed it

I cannot see it

I pushed it up my Papillon

You pushed a C.I.A. credit card up your derriere

Well C.I.A. means Casey In Arse, so I did what I had to do

That's disgusting

You can have it back if you like

Do you love your country

As much as the President himself

FAIL

He's a bigger pain in the Arse than the President

Elections Comedy Style Made simple

    The Butcher , The Baker and The Undertaker (C)

                              By

                         Michael Casey

Chapter Nine …Marriage to a Person , Marriage to a People

************************************************************

            So Joan Derby was buried , as the crowd of mourners filed away

Percy  stood  at  the foot of her grave .  He threw a red  rose  onto  her

coffin.

“Well Joan , I hope you forgive me for inviting everybody . I did tell you

that you wouldn’t be alone ,  but things certainly took on a life of their

own .  I just hope you liked the Jazz music ,  I’m sure Mozart would  have

approved anyway ,  he liked things to go with a swing .  It’s a good job I

combed your hair too ,  you looked your best for all the crowd . Well I’ll

be saying goodbye then ,but don’t forget to avoid Bartok like the plague ,

Mozart is the one to look out for ,  ” with a final look at the name plate

on the coffin Percy left Joan Derby to rest in eternal peace .

          In another corner of the field ,  the grass not having been  cut

in ages so the graveyard did look like a field , Mr Stone was saying a few

words to a long dead pantry maid .

“Well I’m sorry that your name got brought up , but I’m not sorry that you

were  sweet on one of my ancesters ,  but for you I wouldn’t be here  .  I

don’t  stand a chance in Hell of getting selected now ,  not that I’d  get

elected , but I just came to say that I love you , all us Stones love you.

They’ll  be  flowers  on your grave on your anniversary for the  next  one

hundred  years ,  just as there has been for the past one hundred  .  Well

I’ll be leaving you ,  ” saying those words Mr Stone bent down and  placed

an enormous bunch of flowers on the grave of a pantry maid .

        Percy had spotted Mr Stone in the far corner of the graveyard , so

he made his way over to him .  Percy noticed the bunch of flowers and read

the inscription ,  “Rest in Peace Beloved Pantry maid ” ,  Percy looked Mr

Stone in the eye , there were tears .

“Well a promise is a promise , so I’ve come to offer my support , I’ll do

everything  in  my power to help you get elected ,  ” Percy held  out  his

hand.

Mr Stone took it and shook it firmly ,  with a pantry maid as a witness  a

deal  was struck ,  in heaven Mozart had struck up a tune at Joan  Derby’s

bidding , it was a march , starting slowly , ever so slowly , but it would

build  and  build  ,  just  as a builder builds ,  and  it  would  end  in

Parliament ,  and there it would become a dance ,  a merry dance , a dance

for the Black Country .

         Sid was singing , a sign had gone up at the end of the street , a

new lorry and car park was being built by the council ,  the road was dead

and buried . Big Sid was still singing when Len came in clutching some ten

by seven inch photos .

“Look at these Sid ,  I hope you like them , ” said Len putting a photo on

Sid chopping block .

It was a snap of Mr Stone knocking Councillor Albert Pratt O.B.E.  for six

all in glorious colour .

“But where did you get this from , I thought only Beacon News was there to

cover it ,  the tv and the papers having gone home , ” asked Big Sid as he

savoured the sight of the Councillor getting his just rewards .

“Well I’ve got a few cameras at home ,  they are expensive Japanese ones ,

you know the ones they make in their new Black Country factory ,  ”  began

Len .

“You and the camera must be good to get a shot like this , ” smiled Sid .

“Well  your  grandchildren grow up so fast that I decided to  get  a  good

camera ,  so it became a sort of hobby ,  ” said Len looking at the  floor

embarrassed at his own reckless spending .

“Your right , Len , take as many photos as possible , a photo is something

to cherish , ” boomed Big Sid .

Len smiled like a schoolkid ,  he liked Sid a lot ,  they could almost  be

brothers .  Mrs Murphy happened by ,  she started to look at the photos  ,

Len had used a high shutter speed so he had a series of snaps which caught

the councillor as he fell .

“I wouldn’t mind a camera like that ,  what with Patrick’s wedding and the

baby coming too , ” she said as she examined the photos .

“This is Mrs Murphy , Len , Patrick’s mother , ” explained Big Sid .

“Patrick’s penance mother ? ” asked Len his eyebrows arching into question

marks.

“The very same , ” answered Mrs Murphy .

“Well  it’ll  be an honour to take you shopping for a camera  , I’ll  just

bring  in Sid’s meat then I’ll give you a lift in the freezer  lorry  ,  “

said Len with a smile .

         Percy and Mr Stone were in Percy’s study ,  Mr Stone was  reading

the entry in the old Frost journal about the burial of the pantry maid .

“Can I have a photo copy of this please ,  just for sentimental value  you

know what I mean , ” Mr Stone sounded almost apologetic .

“Certainly , now about the selection meeting tonight , I’ll come along and

say a few words , I don’t know what I’ll say but I’ll think of something , 

then once your selected I’ll take you on a tour of the rest homes . “

          Len delivered a few sides of beef to a butchers while Mrs Murphy

went  into  the camera shop next door .  She went up to  the  counter  and

opened  her  handbag  ,  she  had a few hundred  in  notes  inside  .  The

assistant’s eyes lit up when he saw the notes .  So he showed her all  the

expensive cameras ,  trying to blind her with science ,  trying to get all

her  money  .  Mrs Murphy was on the point of buying a  really  ridiculous

camera  when Len came in .  He strode to the counter like George ready  to

slay the Dragon .

“Listen sonny , she doesn’t want that , ” said Len as he took Mrs Murphy’s

money from the top of the counter .

He started to empty his pockets ,  he had a thousand pounds in his pockets

plus his cellular phone , his camera and his meat cleaver . So holding his

cleaver  in one hand and the Black Country Flash camera in the other  hand

he boomed to the frightened assistant .

“Look  this is what she wants , the Black Country Flash ,an aim  and  snap

thingy  , none  of this stuff ,  ” Len gestured with his  cleaver  ,  the

assistant wasn’t going to argue , Len was the size of Big Sid after all .

          So  Mrs  Murphy bought the Black  Country  flash  ,  the  latest

Japanese camera ,  built in the Black Country .  The advertising  campaign

for  the camera had a blacksmith making a horse shoe ,  the sparks  flying

while  a proud girl snapped the proceedings with a flash. Len assured  Mrs

Murphy  that  it was good enough for her requirments ,  so  she  paid  her

seventy pounds and left the shop a happy woman ,  as for the assistant  he

had to sit down , he was feeling drained .

          As they were leaving Nangit Tangit who did all the  photographic

developing  for the shop was coming in .  He collided with Len ,  so  some

photos of the seige of Old Forge fell out of Len’s pocket to the ground .

“Sorry lad are you ok , ” said Len as he pulled Nangit up from the floor .

“I’m alright man ,  I shouldn’t have been in such a hurry ,  I could  have

hurt your sister , ” replied Nangit .

“She’s just a friend , not my sister , ” replied Len .

Nangit bent down to pick up the photos Len had dropped .

“Hey man , these are really great , and that’s my wife in the background ,

she was one of the Daughters of The Temple , ” smiled Nangit .

“Balbinder , Amjit’s wife was there too , ” said a proud Mrs Murphy .

“Man these would make great posters ,  I don’t need the negative ,  but  I

could  make  really great posters of these ,  ” said Nangit  scouring  the

photos for any more of his relatives .

“Well  you can have these ,  I’m Len by the way ,  Len from Len’s Meat  ,”

said Len pointing to his van .

“I’m  Nangit Tangit ,  I do the photographic developing ,  ”  said  Nangit

handing Len one of his business cards .

With that they said their goodbyes , they’d probably never meet again .

          That  evening the Liberals met ,  they had to finally choose  a

candidate  to fight the By Election for Old Forge and Singing  Anvil  . Mr

Frederick  Chance had stood in every election for the past fourty years  ,

he’d always came a poor fourth behind the two main parties and the MRLP ,

he was like a sacrificial lamb .  But he still had a seat on the council ,

so he didn’t mind .

           Percy stood up to speak for Mr Stone , the Liberals didn’t mind

him not being a member ,  one more person at a ward meeting was  something

to cherish ,  so Percy was let speak . Percy did not know what to say , if

only he could give the famous speech from Henry the Fifth .  No that would

not do ,  so slowly Percy got to his feet ,  perhaps simple words were the

best  .

“I am just a simple man ,  my task is to bury the dead , I comb their hair

and tidy them up so that their families’ can take one last farewell ,  one

last look and one last kiss .  The mark of the man is not what he says but

what  he does ,  the past is over the present is here ,  but what  of  the

future .  Now is the time to take a chance Mr Frederick Chance ,  to stand

aside and let another be tested by fire ,  to brave the slings and  arrows

of outrageous fortune ,  to test the heart and the spirt .  Sometimes  the

spirit is willing but the flesh is weak ,  but we have to try ,  we cannot

just give up and die .  We have to try for that is our spirt , that is our

hope ,  that is our humanity . Hope beyond hope , faith beyond reason , to

believe even though we do not know .  Today I buried a lady by the name of

Joan Derby ,  she had no family ,  no friends ,  yet at her funeral  there

were  over  seven hundred people .  I asked all the  protesters  from  the

recent seige of the Old Forge Council House to come along ,  I asked  them

to  share their joy with a lady who had been dead for months and not  been

buried till today . Was I wrong , perhaps I was , but at least she did not

go to Paradise alone .  No she had a good send off ,  a great send off  in

fact ,  with a Jazz band too .  When it was all over I  had a few words to

say  with her ,  I asked her to forgive me for inviting strangers  to  her

funeral  .  I  hope she has ,  I won’t find out till my body lies  in  the

ground  too .  But to the point ,  in a corner of the field I  spotted  Mr

Stone  .  He too was asking forgiveness from the dead ,  from a long  dead

pantry  maid ,  for a hundred years flowers have been placed on her  grave

and  for a hundred more flowers will be placed on her grave .  Now  to  me

that  says more of the man than any empty speeches .  At the  graveside  I

shook  his  hand  and promised to do everything in my  power  to  get  him

elected .  I know he’ll make a good M.P.  ,  all it needs is for him to be

given a chance ,  Mr Frederick Chance  . I know for him M.P. does not mean

My Peerage , for him it means My People , the Black Country People here in

Old  Forge  and  Singing Anvil  .  It is a marriage between a  man  and  a

people , at the graveside I saw the man laid bare , I saw the tears in his

eyes , real tears , not tears conjured up for T.V. cameras . Mr Stone will

win this election ,  not for sixty years has a Liberal won here , but with

Mr Stone you will win .  Give him a chance Mr Frederick Chance ,  this  is

but  a By Election ,  in two years time the General Election will  come  ,

then you can try if Mr Stone fails now .  Lend him your cloak ,  give  him

your blessing ,  prove that you are no Albert Pratt O.B.E.  ,  wanting all

the  glory for yourself .  Prove how liberal the Liberals are , I  know

that I am but an outsider , but with Mr Stone the Emperor really will have

new clothes , the little dog will laugh to see such fun , and the Liberals

will run away with the election , ” Percy sat down , he was sweating .

          There was silence for a full minute ,  Mr Stone clasped  Percy’s

hand  by way or thanks .  Then Mr Frederick Chance stood up  ,  he  looked

Percy in the eye , he sighed , why oh why wasn’t Percy in the Party .

“Mr Frost or may I call you Percy ? ” began Mr Chance .

“Percy is fine , ” said Percy .

“Well  on the condition that you write Mr Stone’s speeches ,  I will  lend

him my cloak ,  and my sandals and girdle too , ” said Mr Chance who was a

Baptist lay preacher .

         The selection committee took half an hour to formally select  Mr

Stone  ,  then they all rushed off home before their wives got angry  with

them  for being out late .  Mr Frederick Chance rung up Beacon  radio  and

gave a live interview explaining why he was stepping aside for Mr Stone .

He  made much of the fact that he was no Albert Pratt  O.B.E.  ,  he  also

quoted from Percy’s speech .

           As for Percy and Mr Stone they went over the road to the pub  ,

they were both a little shocked to say the least .  So sitting in a  quite

corner they had a drink .

“Well I’ll take you on a tour of the rest homes , they’ll be two thousands

votes there for the asking , if I recommend you , ” began Percy .

“We  still  haven’t a hope in Hell of winning ,  even though it  was  your

speech which got me selected , ” mused Mr Stone .

“To be honest you are right ,  but there is a power in the Black Country ,

its like a dynamo ,  like a hammer beating down on the anvil ,  if we  can

harness that power , then we’ll give them a run for their money , ” sighed

Percy .        

“Well its not called Old Forge and Singing Anvil for nothing ,  ” said  Mr

Stone laughing .

The live interview came on the pub radio , a cheer went up , Pat Cowdell’s

stable of boxers were regulars in The Punchbag . They’d heard about Albert

Pratt being knocked out ,  and they liked it .  On impulse Percy stood  on

his chair and began to shout .

“Well lads this is Mr Stone here ,  come and shake hands with your  future

M.P. , Mr Stone M.P. for Old Forge and Singing Anvil ! ” Percy shouted .

There was a stampeed to shake hands with the man who’d put the councillor

down for the count .

“Look  I haven’t a hope in Hell of winning ,  but it’d be nice to put  two

fingers up at the two main parties , they take you for granted . All I ask

is  a  chance ,  you can get rid of me again in two years at  the  General

Election . So what have you got to lose ? ” said Mr Stone .

To cheers from the boxers Percy and Mr Stone left The Punchbag .

“Well  that’s  two thousand one hundred and fifty votes so far  ,  ”  said

Percy sounding like Smiling Paul .

“I  hope  you are right ,  but we need ten times that amount to  win  ,  “

smiled  Mr Stone ,  he’d decided to treat it all as a game ,  that way  he

wouldn’t be disappointed .

They  were  walking back to their cars when Len and family  appeared  from

around the corner , they had had their monthly family night out , smiling

broadly Len introduced his grandson James to Percy .

“This is James , your boy will be teaching him programming soon , ” boomed

Len .

“And  this  is Mr Stone ,  its been on the radio ,  he’s going to  be  the

Liberal candidate for M.P. , so vote for him , ” said Percy .

“Will the Big Sid and the rest of them be voting for him ? ” asked Len .

“Well  I  will ,  you’ll have to ask them ,  why not ring him up  on  that

cellular phone of yours ? ” said Percy .

No sooner had Percy said it than Len was on the phone to Big Sid . Big Sid

just said that he respected Percy’s opinion so he’d vote the same way .

“Right ,  that’s settled than ,  I’ll spread the word , perhaps we’ll take

you  around the butchers shops I deal with ,  ” mused Len holding out  his

hand for Mr Stone to shake .

They  said their goodbyes .  Percy now reckoned they had four and  a  half

thousand votes in the bag ,  what with Len’s influence ,  and as he  had

told Len ,  in two years they could get ride of Mr Stone if he turned  out

to be a vegetarian . Len was still laughing when he got back into his car.  

As  he put his cellular phone back in his pocket he found Nangit  Tangit’s

business card . Len started to laugh , he had an idea which would make the

whole of the Black Country laugh .

           The early morning  news had announced that the  eleventh  hour

candidate for the Liberals was to be Mr Stone the builder .  Then  reports

came  in  of  posters  appearing  in  the  Old  Forge  and  Singing  Anvil

constituency .  The posters were all over the Conservative , Labour , MRLP

and the Liberal party offices .  The buildings had been totally covered if

not gift wrapped in posters of Mr Stone knocking out Albert Pratt O.B.E.   

The MRLP claimed responsibility as it ws so funny , gift wrapped buildings

who’d have thought of it , was it an American idea ? 

           It was Len’s idea , but Nangit Tangit was flooded with  orders

once people had seen his posters “advertised” on the party head quarters .

The  boxers in The Punchbag laughed till they cried ,  they  really  would

vote for Mr.  Stone now . The main parties denounced it all as vandalism ,

Mr  Stone  refered everybody to Carol Samson his  solicitor  .  Percy  was

worried at first but then thought better of it , Black Country people have

a good sense of humour , and besides they’d be votes in it .  

           Smiling Paul decided to get in on the act ,  so he  started  to

take  bets on the election .  He had worked out he’d clear at  least  five

thousand  pounds from the betting ,  so he decided to place a thousand  to

win on Mr Stone .  Perhaps Smiling Paul was still being a Chinaman  ,  but

nevertheless  he went into town to Ladbrokes and place a thousand to  win

on Mr Stone .

            The  preparations for Patrick’s and June’s wedding had  hit  a

hitch  ,  namely Mrs Kemp .  She had decided she wanted a quiet wedding  ,

just Patrick and June ,  herself and Mr Kemp ,  and Mrs Murphy could  come

too  .  Though June’s stomach had not begun to show Mrs Kemp did not  want

any questions about a hurried wedding ,she had already decided that photos

would be taken from the chest upwards ,  and when the baby was born  she’d

tell her friends that it was premature .

          Mrs Murphy rolled her eyes when she heard the news from  Patrick

and June .

 “God blast the old bitch ,  the divil carry her and skither her arse , no

son of mine is having a quiet wedding .  Me a poor old widow woman and the

old  bitch wants to deprive me of the happiest day of my  life  !  Patrick

marrying a nice girl and me to be a grannie too ,  and the old witch wants

to hide things .  You two love one another anybody can see that , its not

as if its some sort of shotgun wedding ,  I’ll ring her up and give her  a

piece of my mind , ” raged Mrs Murphy getting out of her chair and heading

for the phone .

“No ,  Shiela ,  please no ,  Patrick will think of something , it’ll be a

great wedding ,  just leave it all to Patrick , ” said June pouring oil on

troubled waters .

“Yes I’ll think of something , ” said Patrick not having a clue as to what

he’d say .

“See  I told you ,  Patrick will sort things out ,  or my name  isn’t  Mrs

Murphy  too ! ” said June before kissing Patrick .

Mrs Murphy glowed ,  Mrs Murphy too ,  she liked the sound of that  ,  and

judging  by  the  way June and Patrick kissed perhaps they’d  give  her  a

clutch  of  grandchildren  .  Wouldn’t it be grand if  there  were enough

grandchildren  to form a Gaelic football team , the Kingdom of Kerry would

need new blood in twenty years time .  Which reminded her that the Bear in

Bearwood was showing the Gaelic football on Sportscast soon ,  she’d  have

to  get  Michael to give her a drive over there ,  she’d pop  into  Saint

Gregory’s for a quick prayer or maybe Mass before the Gaelic football , if

Michael wasn’t busy with the taxiing then they’d make an afternoon of it .

“Yes mom ,  I’ll sort it all out , though we may have to phone invitations

instead  of  posting  them ,  in order to keep things quiet  so  Mrs  Kemp

doesn’t find out , ” said Patrick ,it was the best he could think to say .

“Fine I suppose it’ll do ,  but I’m sure Mrs Kemp would have made a  great

Wicked Witch of the West ,  she looks like the real one , The Wizard of Oz

was on the telly the other night , ” said a deadpan Mrs Murphy .

June just had to laugh , Patrick joined in , Mrs Murphy was a terror to be

sure .

“Oh do you mind if I put the telly on ,  only there’s a program on  ,  its

about having your first baby ,  I’m videoing them but as I’m here  perhaps

we can watch it together , ” said June as she reached for the telly .

The telly blinked , then blinked again , then the sound came on , but very

low . The telly was on its last legs for sure .

“How long has the telly been like this ?  ” asked Patrick as he thumpt the

set .

“Oh  not  long ,  maybe three or four months ,  its been a good  set  your

father bought it a few years before he died , ” explained Mrs Murphy .

“Nearly  twenty  years old ,  its time you had another ,  ”  said  Patrick

shaking his head like a doctor pronouncing a person dead .

“It’s ok I’m used to it , ” said Mrs Murphy .

“But  you  can afford a new set ,  you get a cheque every month  from  the

bakery , ” said an uncomprehending Patrick .

“But  I’m saving that money ,  just in case you are foolish and  lose  the

bakery , as a kind of safety net , ” said Mrs Murphy .

June smiled , Mrs Murphy was thinking of Patrick first and not herself .

“Look Patrick won’t go silly ,  you can start spending your bakery money ,

besides I’ll clip him around the ear if he even thinks of it , ” said June

before clipping Patrick around the ear .

Mrs Murphy smiled ,  their was love in their games ,  she’d have loads  of

grandchildren  that was sure ,  she’d be able to look Mrs O’Toole  in  the

face , Mrs O’Toole had ten grandchildren .

“Well we better be going then , if we are to catch the sale , I saw a sign

in the window as we were driving here ,  T.C.  Hayes of Berawood is having

a sale , ” June headed for the door , dragging Patrick behind her .

“Do’t be foolish child , this set is ok , ” began Mrs Murphy .

“Yes ,  for you ,  but what about when your grandchild is sitting on  your

lap watching Laurel and Hardy ? ” asked June .

She had Mrs Murphy cornered ,  with a final smile ,  June put her hand  on

the door .

“Well if your foolish enough to spend your money ,  get a bargain ,  ” Mrs

Murphy paused , ” Mrs O’Toole has colour . “

“Well  you’ll  have  colour and remote control ,  ”  said  June  over  her

shoulder , as she and Patrick left the room .

         At T.C. Hayes they met Peter with the beard , he’d sold Mr Kemp a

Technics midi system the week before , he directed them to the television

area .

“God ,  this place is like a Tardis ,  its massive once you get inside , “

said Patrick looking all around .

“Can  we  have a big telly with remote control ,   please ,  ”  said  June

getting on with the task in hand .

“Why not get Nicam stereo and picture in picture , if we are getting mom a

telly we may as well get a good one ,  ” said Patrick still marvelling  at

the size of the shop .

“In that case , we’ll have that one , ” said June pointing .

“That’ll be , ” said the sales man announcing the price .

“Is that your best price ? ” asked June .

“Yes ,its our best price , it includes œ80 off , ” explained the salesman.

“He’s paying , ” smiled June as she pointed at Patrick .

Patrick realised what he’d talked himself into ,  as the salesman repeated

the price . Only Patrick couldn’t find his cheque book . So June proffered

her Gold American Express card instead . The sales man arched his eyebrows

when he saw it . So June put on her best smile and pouted before saying .

“I’m  John Kemp’s little girl ,daddy bought a Technics system  from  your

collegue Peter with the beard last week . “

The  salesman checked with Peter ,  then full of smiles he wrote  out  the

receipt .

“Oh by the way can we have a full five year gaurentee too , I saw the sign

saying you have a repair centre here , ” said Patrick smiling .

“You’ll have to pay me back , no future husband of mine is living off me ,

I’m  marrying you for your money ,  not the other way around ,  ”  smirked

June .

June decided that they’d take the set with them then and there rather that

wait for a delivery van .So she drove Patrick’s VW from the car park around

the  back  and parked on the pavement just by the traffic  lights  .  Then

Patrick  picked  up the monster telly and carried it  outside  ,  only  it

wouldn’t  fit  in the car .  While he was wondering what to do  a  traffic

warden came along and was going to book him . Patrick said he was a friend

of  Rodger’s  and did the girl know him ,  the girl did  , while  Patrick

engaged her in conversation June whistled down a taxi . As luck would have

it  ,  it was Michael’s taxi .  So the telly went in the taxi with June  ,

while Patrick invited the girl traffic warden to his wedding , Roger would

give her details later .  

           Back at Mrs Murphy’s Patrick carried the monster telly inside .

“Glory  be  to  God look at the size of it ,  will I be  able  to  pay  my

electricy bill , ” said Mrs Murphy putting her hands to her face .

“June , chose it , ” said Patrick , as he put the telly in the corner .

“Well it must be good if June chose it , ” said Mrs Murphy .

           June then spent half an hour showing Mrs Murphy how to use  the

remote control ,  including the  picture in picture and the teletext . Mrs

Murphy was well pleased .  So pleased in fact that she forgot to feed them

not that they were hungry .  June and Patrick left Michael and Mrs  Murphy

watching the afternoon edition of Dallas .

            “What are we going to do about the wedding ,  ” wondered June

as they drove to Harbourne .

“Well Mark has started on the cake already , I was going to tell you , but

how are we going to make everybody invisible for the wedding  ?  ”  mused

Patrick .

They  were still trying to think of a solution when Patrick pulled  up  at

June’s  Harbourne  home  .  So waving her goodbye he  promised  he’d  work

something out , they’d have a proper wedding after all .

         “So you see Amjit , her mother wants to hide the fact that she is

pregnant  ,  then  she’ll  lie to all her posh friends and say  it  was  a

whirlwind romance and a premature baby , ” explained Patrick with a sigh .

“But I’ve booked Nangit Tangit already , he does wedding videos , man this

is just not happening , ” said Amjit .  

“Exactly , SHE doesn’t want it to happen , thanks for the video though , “

said Patrick sighing again .

“Look  you go and talk to Big Sid ,  he’ll think of  something  ,  besides

Jaswinder is looking forward to being a bridesmaid ,  so we’ve got to have

a proper wedding for you ,  ” said Amjit looking at Jaswinder who was busy

talking to Patrick the teddy bear .

          Patrick crossed the road to Big Sid’s ,  he hoped Sid would come

up with something .

“She’s ashamed of the gift of life , of babies , ” Sid pointed to his wall

of baby photos , he could not understand it .

“My mother said that , ” said Patrick looking at all the baby photos .

“So what are we going to do ? ” pondered Big Sid .

“Make the guests invisible I suppose , ” mumbled Patrick .

“Ok , we’ll make them invisible if that’s what’s called for , I’ll talk to

Frank  ,  don’t  wory lad ,  it’ll be ok ,  ” Big Sid  squeezed  Patrick’s 

shoulder .

“When you work something out you will tell me ? ” said Patrick standing in

the doorway .

“No , I’ll tell you nothing , that way that mother-in-law cann’t blame you

for whatever happens , ” said Big Sid with a wink .

Patrick smiled weakly , he just hoped Big Sid would come up with a plan .

“Fancy being ashamed of the gift of life ,  ” mumbled Big Sid shaking  his

head before cutting the trotters from a pig .

         Another person who was planning for all he was worth was Percy  .

He  had loaded a program onto Andy’s Atari 1040 ,  he was working out  how

many votes Mr Stone could rely on .  To date he had 7145 votes .  Len  had

been  as  good  as  his word .  Mr Stone was taken  first  to  Len’s  meat

warehouse  ,  here he met 100 workers .  As ever Mr Stone told  them  that

after two years they could sling him out , the General Election was then .

After winning their support Len had personally driven Mr Stone around  the

area to all the butchers shops ,there Mr Stone had given a little speech .

Len  was proud of him ,  though at Percy’s request Len said a word of  his

own  at the end .  He told everybody to tell any canvassers from the  main

parties that they were voting for them . The reason was that when Mr Stone

won they wanted it to be a shock ,  to be a knockout .  The word  knockout

brought laughter ,  as all the butchers had a poster of Mr Stone  knocking

the block off Mr Albert Pratt O.B.E.  . The shoppers would do as Len asked

though ,  let the main parties think they had the votes in the bag , then

on  By Election Day watch the tv.  It would be great seeing Sir Robin  Day

looking  shocked ,  Peter Snow of Newsnight would be made to look  a  fool

too ,  there was logic behind all this though .  Westminster would sit  up

and  listen  to the M.P.  from Old Forge and Singing  Anvil  ,  the  Black

Country  was no pussy cat constituency ,  it had a lion for an M.P. and he

would roar and roar and roar on their behalf . There was a tingle down the

spine of the shoppers’s spines as they heard Len quote Percy’s words ,  or

words Percy had borrowed from Shakespeare .

            Percy  had also spoke to Wayne ,  let the uncles come  to  the

Trader and let the uncles bring their friends .  Then from the Trader  the

message  would ripple outwards ,  let the anvil be beat ,  let  the  anvil

begin to sound , let the anvil begin to resound , let the anvil sing . Let

Mr  Stone  be the M.P.  for Old Forge and Singing Anvil .  Percy  wrote  a

speech  on the Atari then gave it to Mr Stone telling him to learn  it  by

heart ,  a copy of the speech was sent to Beacon and WABC .  Then Mr Stone

delivered the speech , WABC decided to come along and record it , secretly

the  man in the news room was rooting for Mr Stone ,  he was a boxing  fan

after all .

           “I am but an ordinary man ,  I am one of you born and bred ,  I

am not descended from a noble family .  I am descended from the wrong side

of the blanket ,  but I am not ashamed ,  I am a proud man ,  I am a happy

man  .  To  be  selected when I thought I didn’t have a chance  is  but  a

miracle , and if I actually get elected what greater miracle that will be.

I  have  met butchers ,  bakers and undertakers and Real  Ale  drinkers  ,

though we are different we have one thing in common .  We love our patch ,

we love our home ,  we love Old Forge and Singing Anvil .  What more can I

say just take a chance on me ,  as the old Abba song says ,  Mr  Frederick

Chance  stood  aside and gave me his blessing .  Now I am asking  you  for

your’s . If I prove to be no good then in two years you can throw me out ,

you can even call me bastard as Mr Albert Pratt O.B.E. did .  I am of  the

people and for the people ,  I am but an ordinary man who likes his  Banks

Bitter and pork scratchings . For me M.P. means My People not as some hope

secretly for My Peerage ,  ” finishing his short speech Mr Stone picked up

his  pint  of  Banks Bitter and downed it in one ,  speech  giving  was  a

thirsty business .

         Betty and Annie jumped to their feet and did cartwheels ,  they’d

vote for him if they were old enough ,  and the uncles would too ,  that’s

if  they  didn’t want the girls to slap their faces .  The  WABC  reporter

smiled , he felt a tingle down his spine , there was History in the making

to  be sure .  Mr Stone stood up and acknowledged the applause ,  he  also

pointed out that though the feelings were his it would be dishonest if he

didn’t explain that the speech was Percy Frost’s the undertaker .

          When the speech was broadcast the main parties wondered who  the

hell  was this undertaker ,  was it a code name for a top speech writer  ,

had  Jeffory Archer defected to the Liberals and was he  writing  speeches

for  them  .  They were relieved in fact when they discovered  that  Percy

Frost really was an undertaker ,  besides their canvassing had showed that

the Liberal vote was rubbish to put it plainly .

         It was in the middle of this election campaign that  George  and

Brownie decided to marry ,  George’s mourning days were over .  They  were

having  a  quiet  cuppa in Mark’s cafe ,  only they  kissed  in  public  .

Everybody looked , Brownie showed everybody her ring .

“Well I am married to him you know , he’s got the right to have his wicked

way now , ” she said with a wink .

“We didn’t want any fuss at our age , it wasn’t a snub , ” said George .

The lorry drivers all applauded , George and Brownie had made friends with

all the continentals ,  so when they had no local gossip there was  always

news from abroad .  So now news of George and Brownie’s secret wedding and

public kissing would reach the far corners of Europe .  The drivers ran to

their  lorries  and  came  back  with  guitars  and  weird  and  wonderful

instruments . George  and Brownie were  serenaded with  songs  from  ten

countries .

          It was while all this was going on that Mr Stone and the  Beacon

and WABC radio reporter came in for a refreshing cuppa . The  reporter had

been there when Mr Stone had sent Albert Pratt O.B.E.  flying , now he had

been assigned to stay with him till the end . So Mr Stone bought a tea for

himself and one for William his shadow .

“What’s going on here then ? ” asked Mr Stone .

“George and Brownie got married ,  so the drivers are serenading them ,  “

explained Mark .

“Really you should go to Paris , it is the place for lovers , ” said Henri

who lived just outside Paris .

“No you should go to the eternal city ,  Rome , that is the place , ” said

Pietro .

“No , Paris is the place , come and stay with me , ” said Henri .

“No , come to Rome , stay with me , ” interrupted Pietro .

“We’re a bit old for galivanting about ,  though both are nice judging  by

all the photos we’ve seen , ” said Brownie .

Mr Stone listened ,  tears began to form in his eye ,  he reached into his

inside pocket .

“Look ,  get on a plane and go to both ,  your friends’ families will meet

you at the airport , they’ll show you a good time , ” urged Mr Stone as he

handed them a blank cheque .

“But we cann’t take that , we hardly know you , ” said Mrs Brown .

“Look my ancester took the pantry maid on the Grand Tour , it was in Rome

and in Paris that ,  well it was there that ,  look I wouldn’t be here now

but  for  Paris and Rome ,  just go ,  ” Mr Stone was embarrassed  but  he

really did want them to go .  

“Look you go , my family will meet you in Paris . “

“And then my family will meet you in Rome . “

“Look please ,  I owe it to Percy and this street ,  I really am  enjoying

this electioneering ,  please just go ,   ” Mr Stone blew his nose  ,  the

soft side of his nature had really come out lately .

“Ok ,  we’ll  go but we’ll be back in time to vote for you , ” blurted out

Brownie .

“Look I don’t give a damn who you vote for ,  bugger the election  ,  just

enjoy yourself , I’m enjoying myself thanks to Percy , ” sighed Mr Stone.

The lorry  drivers all cheered ,  Mr Stone smiled , and sipped  his  tea .

William  smiled too ,  he had it all down on his tape  recorder  ,  nobody

would believe it that somebody running for election would say ,”bugger the

election” , but he had it down on tape .

           That night Beacon and WABC broadcast William’s  recording  from

the cafe ,  ordinary folk in the Black Country thought it was a con ,  but

when  they  heard Mr Stone’s sniffles and the “bugger the  election”  they

knew he was for real . A hard punching man with a heart of gold , and just

who  was  this Percy ,  that was twice his name had come up  .  The  other

parties demanded shadows for their candidates ,  WABC and Beacon were only

too happy to oblige .

          That night Percy and Mr Stone conferred with Mr Frederick Chance

in Percy’s office .

“Well looking at the old scoreboard on Andy’s Atari I’d say we have  17476

votes so far , ” said Percy tapping out on the keyboard .

“But that’s four times our vote from last time ,  are you sure ?  ” asked

Mr Chance .

“These  figures are accurate ,  Len took head counts when Mr Stone  went

arround the butchers , Patrick took a head count too when he took Mr Stone

arround the bakeries . ” said Percy tapping the keyboard .

“Do you think we really have a chance ? ” there was a look of disbelief in

Mr Chance’s eye .

“Well  with  two and a half weeks to go and thanks to William  ,  I’d  say

we’ll win , but it may be close , ” Percy spoke matter of factly .

“God , I need a drink , ” said Mr Chance wiping his brow .

Percy reached for the cut glass decanter ,  they all had a large glass  of

Wayne’s special reserve . They were glowing from the whisky when the phone

rang , duty called .

“I’ve got to go out to work now , ” said Percy as he headed for the door .

“I’ll come with you ,  its the least I can do ,  ” said Mr Stone finishing

his whisky and following Percy out the door .

Mr  Frederick Chance looked at the computer screen ,  this was great  ,  a

Liberal  would win for the first time in sixty years ,  and  nobody  would

know till it was all announced . He decided to have another drink , God it

was  great stuff ,  he’d once had something like it during the War in  the

Red Cow pub in Smethwick .

        Outside William followed Percy and Mr Stone , he had wanted to be

a Policeman but being a reporter was just as much fun .  At the rest  home

Percy and Mr Stone took charge of a body ,  it was old Bridie ,  at 87 her

innings were over .  Her father had got a pantry maid pregnant and so  was

banished to fight the Boers , when he returned home he had married another

girl ,  who was a pantry maid too , Bridie in her turn had become a pantry

maid . She  had held Mr Stone’s hand only the other day  while  she  had

recounted stories about her father and the Boers ,  now she was dead .  It

was a shock to Mr Stone ,  he was crying as he carried her body out of the

rest home .  He would not do any electioneering tomorrow ,  he would go to

her funeral .

           All this was observed and reported by William  .  The  headline

news the next day on Beacon and WABC said Mr Stone was attending a funeral

and would not electioneer that day .  William interviewed the residents of

the rest home , they told him how Mr Stone had held her hand for half an

hour only days earlier .  So that was why he was so shocked , Percy quoted

his father to Mr Stone , about the dead being the same as the living only

the laughter has left them and so on .    

          The other parties now started to get worried , just who was this

Percy was he the smartest political mover of all time or what .  WABC even

broadcast Percy’s quote about the dead ,  people rang in to ask could they

have a copy .  Though the unkind types in the main parties suggested  that

it was stolen from some famous piece of writing and not a genuine quote .

Yet their canvassing returns said they were doing good , yet common sense

said this Percy had stirred up a hornets nest and they  would  be  stung  

on election day .

         So Mr Stone went to the funeral of a former pantry maid ,  a lady

whose  hand  he had held only days before ,  it was ironic that  the  dead

should  have  such an effect on the living ,  yet Mr Stone  was  much  the

better man for it all .  Percy knew this as he listened to Mozart while he

screwed the lid on the lady’s coffin .  Percy’s code of honour was rubbing

off on Mr Stone ,  Percy was proud of Mr Stone , it was almost like having

an apprentice undertaker under his wing .  The main parties rushed arround

with their loudspeaker vans while Mr Stone and Percy quietly honoured  the

dead . 

         Patrick’s wedding was now only days away ,  he hadn’t a clue  how

he’d  spirit hundreds of people into the church ,  Smiling Paul had  joked

about having a hundred coffins , the guests could jump out of them  like

vampires . This idea did not do down very well , there always seemed to be

a hard edge ,  an unkind edge to Smiling Paul and his jokes ,  so  sulking

Smiling Paul went back to his bookies .

         It was while Roger was in The Trader talking about the next  play

he was going to be in that Big Sid had the solution .  The play was  going

to be Helen of Troy , the Trojan Horse and so on . Big Sid Jumped up and

patted Roger on the back , Roger nearly choked just as Ken nearly had that

time in the butchers shop . So leaving Roseanne , the traffic warden who’d

nearly booked Patrick outside T.C.  Hayes to come to Roger’s aid , Big Sid

ran outside .

           “Frank  I’ve got it ,  I’ve got it ,  ” shouted Big Sid  as  he

charged up the street like a mad bull elephant .

“Out with it then , ” demanded Frank .

“The Trojan horse ,  that’s the answer ,  Roger thought of it really  ,  “

explained Big Sid .

Frank  scratched  his head ,  he’d been in the Black  Country  ever  since

leaving Prisoner Of War camp , but sometimes English still confused him .

“We hide everybody in our vans ,  in my van ,  in your big removal  thingy

and so on , we can get Roger to pretend he’s booking the lot so they’ll be

no suspicion .  Mrs Kemp won’t work it out till its too late ,  ” Big  Sid

was beaming .

“That’s  a great idea ,  but have we got enough vans ,  they’ll be  a  few

hundred people there after all , ” wondered Frank .

Big Sid looked deflated for a second , then his whole face lit up , he had

it  Ureka , only he didn’t run  around naked  as Archemedees  did  when

he’d discovered his solution all those years ago back in Greece .

“But there’s always Len ,  I’m sure he’ll lend a hand ,  I’ll go phone him

right away , ” with that a smiling Big Sid skipped away as happy as a sand

boy .

Frank shook his head ,  his wife was from the Black Country ,  an  English

Rose  ,  his  children talked in Black Country accents but  sometimes  the

people were confusing .  Scratching his head he went back to his furniture

shop .

          Len laughed when he heard Big Sid’s idea , of course he’d help ,

besides he was invited to the wedding too .He’d send a few lorries along ,

he’d have to remember to turn the refridgeration down though  ,  otherwise

they’d have frozen guests on their hands .

           The  day of the wedding came ,  Patrick rung June  ,  June  was

wearing white at her mother’s insistance .

“Just tell your dad to hold your mother’s arm tight , as if he’s having an

arm wrestling match , ” explained Patrick .

“What’s going to happen ? ” asked June .

“I haven’t a clue ,  all Big Sid said was that it’d be the happiest day of

Rodger’s life , then he laughed his head off , ” continued Patrick .

“The happiest day of HIS life , that sounds strange . Ok , I’ll tell dad ,

by the way I love you , ” said June .

“I  love you too ,  and I’ll say it before hundreds of witnesses  in  less

than an hour , ” said Patrick before he hung up the phone .

           June just hoped that her father had a strong grip . Mrs  Kemp

drove herself to the church ,  June would follow on with her father in his

car , tradition had to be adheered too after all , the bride arriving late

and so on ,  even if only a handful were going to be at the wedding . When

Mrs  Kemp arrived at the church she was startled to see a traffic  jam  of

sorts  , vans and lorries were parked all over the place  .  The  traffic

warden and his assistant were handing out tickets left right and centre ,

there were even aguements and fists being shaken .    

          Mrs Kemp went inside the church ,  all was quiet , her footsteps

echoed around the empty church ,  the lights hadn’t even been switched  on

yet .  A cleaning lady was wiping the floor at the front , or so it seemed

for  in fact it was Peter from Peter’s Plaice ,  he was the lookout  .  He

watched  as  she sat down ,  then creeping away he went  into  the  Parish

House ,  once inside he threw off his disguise and ran around to the front

of the church .

“The coast is clear ,  the coast is clear !   Everybody in position , ” he

yelled .

With  that  the lorries and vans opened up to  disgourge  their  cargo  of

people . As for the parking tickets ,  if Mrs Kemp had examined them  she

would  have seen that they said “Admit Wedding Party to Troy” ,  yes  this

really was the happiest day of Roger’s life .

          Patrick  arrived with his mother in Michael’s  taxi  ,  he  went

inside  the church to whispered cheers .  Minutes later June and  Mr  Kemp

arrived in Percy’s Rolls Royce , to more whispered cheers June and Mr Kemp

walked arm in arm up the isle .  The cheese was now in the trap , Mrs Kemp

had not smelt a rat , for she was the rat and now the trap was sprung .

Just as June and Mr Kemp reached the top of the church the lights came  on

and the Fr.Shaw came out like a greyhound out of a trap . People rushed in

from  the  back  and  from the Parish House  ,  people  emerged  from  the

confessionals and from the side altars ,and yet more descended the  steps

from the choir  loft . Jumping  up like  targets  in  an  archade  The

Penticostal Choir began to sing ,  “Oh Happy Day” was the song .  The damn

had burst and the church had filled , Nangit Tangit who had filmed all the

fun  before the wedding proper was at the priests heels  ,  witnesses  and

video too , yes a quiet wedding just what Mrs Kemp wanted !

         Mr Kemp clung onto his wife with all his might , but he need not

have  bothered,  how  could  she run out on her  only  child’s  wedding  ,

especially  in front of all these witnesses .  So June was married  ,  she

shared the happiest day of her life with Roger ,  Roger had really enjoyed

himself ,  it was his greatest part ever .  Wiston’s mum led the choir who

sung like angels , but once the wedding was over they had to dash to their

coach ,  they were on their way to London for a competition ,  the wedding

was but a warm up .

          Mr Stone sneaked in the back of the church and sat down next  to

Percy ,  a funeral one day , a wedding the next , what a roller coaster of

emotions .  No wonder Percy was a poet .  Percy had insisted that Mr Stone

come to the wedding ,  all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy was what

he’d said . William stood recording everything , the bride and groom would

like a recording no doubt about that .  The Wedding Mass over Patrick  and

Mrs Murphy too walked down the aisle ,  Big Sid and Len were crying as  if

it were there only son who’d married .  Mrs Murphy cried too , if only her

Con were there ,  but he’d be watching in heaven , and so he was with Joan

Derby  and  Mozart at his side ,  old Bartok was sulking in  a  corner  as

usual ,  Mozart had composed a special Wedding March ,  the souls of  Joan

Derby and Con Murphy were dancing to it .

           The  Wedding Reception was split between Mark’s  cafe  and  the

Trader , close family and friends ate in Mark’s , the rest at the Trader .

Once  the sit down stage was finished at Mark’s everybody paraded  up  the

road  to  the  Trader ,  traffic stopped to see the  fun  ,  it  was  like

something  the French or the Italians would do .  Patrick didn’t  want  to

upset  Mark’s  feelings so at his mother’s urgings Patrick had  split  the

reception ,  though only for an hour . The remaining food was also carried

up  the  road from Mark’s to the Trader ,  the whole  situation  reminding

Percy of Hogarth’s painting “The Chairing Of a Member” .  Mr Stone laughed

loud when Percy explained , so did William from beneath his headphones .

           Drunkeness of the kind Mozart would have been proud began ,  it

was a wedding after all . Big Sid took it upon himself to spike everything

Mrs  Kemp  drank ,  he’d already spiked her tea at Mark’s cafe  .  Now  he

spiked her champagne , with what , what else but Wayne’s Special Reserve .

Mrs  Kemp had to visit the ladies as she began to feel unwell .  When  she

returned she was pulling a face ,  to hide her face , and why ? Well she’d

managed to lose her false teeth down the ladies toilet .

“What’s the matter mom , aren’t you enjoying yourself ? ” asked June .

“Yes , yes , ” mumbled Mrs Kemp .

“You sound the same way my mother does when she’s lost her false teeth , “

observed Patrick , striking the nail on the head .

Mrs  Kemp would have said “Beam me up ,  Scottie ” if she was a Star  Trek

fan , as she wasn’t she just frowned .

“What’s the matter with your mom , why’s she pulling a face , she looks as

if  she’s  lost her false teeth ,  ” observed Big Sid  offering  Mrs  Kemp

another glass of champagne topped up with 40 year old whisky .

“That’s because she has ,  ” said June who was going to frown but  decided

to laugh seeing as she was Mrs Murphy too now .

“Say no more ,  ” said Big Sid thrusting the glass at Mrs Kemp , splashing

some down her cleavage .

         Big Sid then pretended to be a plumber , by rushing headlong into

the ladies loos ,  a chorus of screams rung out .  Big Sid was undaunted ,

working his way through the cubicals he put his hands down each one  till

he found the missing teeth .  With screams still ringing in his ears  from

the  shocked ladies in the loo Big Sid emerged triumphant  ,  holding  Mrs

Kemp’s teeth aloft . Now everybody knew , Nangit Tangit even filmed it for

for  posterity  ,  if  only Mrs Kemp could have been beamed  up  onto  the

Starship Enterprise ,  but that wasn’t possible .  Perhaps the earth would

swallow her up instead ,  but that didn’t happen either .  Big Sid  strode

towards her and grabbing her hands put her dripping teeth in them .

“Here  ,  just rinse them out in this jug of Domestos ,  they’ll be ok  to

wear then ,  ” ordered Mrs Murphy the first ,  holding out a jug of  water

and Domestos , adding to Mrs Kemp’s embarrassment .

Mrs  Kemp knocked back her glass of spiked champagne then did as  she  was

told  .  After rinsing out the teeth she slipped them back into her  mouth

trying not to be noticed in front of all the people . Her teeth tasted odd

but  after  all  the spiked drinks she’d had she  would  have  drunk  neat

Domestos if asked to .

“Bravo ,  bravo ,  ” yelled Big Sid before grabbing Mrs Kemp so that  they

could race around the dance floor .

Dancing with Big Sid for Mrs Kemp was like being asked to ride bare back ,

but  at least she now knew how embarrassed Lady Godiva felt when she  went

for a ride , perhaps the horse was called Sid .

          The reception was a great success , Percy slipped out to pick up

a deceased ,  Mr Stone followed like a shadow ,  as did William the  radio

shadow .  Half an hour later the unlikely trio returned all smiles , there

is great companionship amongst the fellowship of the carriers of the  dead

to give the undertaking game its ancient title . Mr Stone had decided that

he  liked this William ,  he’d tip William off in future if there was  any

political newns to be had ,  it’d help him out at the start of his  career

after all .

            The time had come for Patrick and June to take their  leave  ,

though in their case it meant crossing the road so that  Patrick  could

carry June up the fire escape to the flat above the bakery . But first the

bouquet had to be thrown .

“Ok ,  girls I’ll count to three then I’m throwing it .  One , two , three

and away it goes , ” said June .

The  unmarried  women in the group lurched forward ,  this was  their  big

chance .  The bouquet flew threw the air ,  over the outstreched arms , it

seemed to be guided by magic .  It hit Roger in the chest and bounced into

the arms of Roseanne .  Roger gulped ,  Roseanne blushed yet she was happy

perhaps  he’d ask her out again now ,  on impulse she kissed him  ,  she’d

have to wait forever for him to kiss her .  Another pair of eyes had been

watching the bouquet from afar , there was a flash of fur then he was away

the bouquet in his teeth . Hairy Amjit ran off down the street the bouquet

between his teeth .

“He’s off to see his girl no doubt , ” laughed Patrick .

“You mean some old bitch , ” snapped Mrs Murphy .

“I couldn’t have said it better myself ,” laughed June or Mrs Murphy too .

          So Patrick carried June up the fire escape to the flat ,  cheers

and wolf whistles filled the night air by way of encouragement .      Once

inside he placed her softly on the double bed ,  he didn’t want to take  a

chance  with the super glue on this his wedding night .  It was then  that

Patrick made the biggest mistake of his wedded life ,  he straightened his

back too quickly .

“Agh , agh , agh , agh my back , ” he moaned as he slumped to the floor .

“So  you’re  not going to sleep with me on my wedding night  ,  ”  laughed

June.

“It’s a Murphy tradition , my mother slept with her sister and my dad with

his brother the first night . Agh agh agh my back , ” moaned Patrick .

June  was going to say something when she realised Patrick really  was  in

pain , so rolling over she peeked down at him from the edge of the bed .

“You really hurt yourself ? ” concern and laughter growing in her voice .

“Yes , yes , agh my back , ” moaned Patrick .

June  lay back on the bed and laughter ,  it could only happen  Patrick  .

She’d have some fun at his expense ,  so getting up she first did a cancan

then a slow and lingering strip tease , stopping to laugh as she did it .

“I really hate you ,  I really hate you ,  agh my back ,  ” moaned Patrick

from his position flat out on the floor .

“This  is really funny ,  ” said June disolving into laughter and  holding

the bed to stop herself collapsing in a heap on top of Patrick .

“I’m reduced to being a Peeping Tom on my own Wedding Night ,  agh my back

, agh my back , ” moan Patrick .

June laughted all the more and continued her routine , Patrick just closed

his eyes , but being a healthy man he opened them in seconds .

“I do hope you’re enjoying yourself , ” said Patrick gritting his teeth in

pain .

June reached the finale ,  Patrick’s mouth gaped open .  June then sat  on

Patrick’s chest .

“You’re completely in my power now , ” smirked June .

“Agh my back , ” moaned Patrick .

June  bent  down and kissed Patrick ,  there was laughter in  her  eyes  ,

Patrick  was so helpless ,  she just had to love him ,  here and  now  she

loved him more than ever .

“Agh my back , ” moaned Patrick .

June extracted a promise from Patrick now , she might never have the upper

hand again , so she got the promise from him .

“Promise me one thing , ” she arched her eyebrows and gave him a lingering

kiss .

Patrick  enjoyed  the kiss for a moment ,  then his own  worries  got  the

better of him .

“Agh my back ,  agh my back ,  I’ll promise you anything just get off me ,

you are killing me , ” screamed Patrick .

June rolled off Patrick .

“Promise  me  that  you’ll buy your mother a video so she  can  watch  the

wedding on it , ” demanded June .

“Of course I will ,  is that all ?  ” sighed Patrick the pain leaving  his

back now .

“For now , ” said June , before starting to tickle Patrick .

“Stop it ,  stop it ,  or I’ll wet myself ,  ” screamed Patrick before the

pain in his back made him scream , “agh my back ” again .

So  June  got into bed and spent her wedding night without her  husband  ,

though he was only three feet away , on the floor .

          Morning  came and June slid out of bed straight  onto  Patrick’s

stomach .

“Agh my stomach , ” moaned Patrick .

June just laughted , ” so its spread from your back then ? “

“I really hate you , ” said Patrick pulling a face .

With June’s help he got to his feet , then with a lot of prompting Patrick

tried to touch his toes ,  if he reached down low then came slowly  back

up again it might put his back right .

“Agh , agh agh , its worked , ” screamed Patrick .

There was a hoot outside , it was Michael in his taxi , so with a mad rush

the pair left for the airport and Greece .  Patrick rubbed his  back  non

stop  as Michael drove , Michael could see him in his rear view mirror  ,

June just laughed , Michael would have some gossip for the street .

          The election campaign ,  or beauty contest as some would call it

went on apace ,  Percy’s tactics worked a treat .  Mr Frederick Chance  in

his capacity as a Baptist lay preacher went around the churches  preaching

and praying ,  though he had to be even handed nobody had any doubts as to

who he wanted as the next M.P. for Old Forge and Singing Anvil . Mr Chance

had  seen  how Percy’s values had rubbed off on Mr Stone  ,  this  rolling

stone  had gathered moss in the form of Percy’s values ,  Mr Chance  could

see this for himself .  So Mr Chance preached for all he was worth , if Mr

Stone proved to be no good then Mr Chance could preach fire and  brimstone

too , if needs be .

           The BBC and ITV let the local network deal with the election  ,

the  big guns were saved for down South  in a safe Government  seat  which

also  had  a By-Election .  The minute swing this way and  that  would  be

analysed to prove just how badly the government were doing . Old Forge and

Singing Anvil was an also ran as far as the tv people were concerned .

          So election morning dawned ,  George and Brownie hurried through

customs  at Birmingham airport ,  to their surprise Mr Stone  himself  was

there to greet them .

“Well  you did say you’d vote for me ,  ” he said as he held his car  door

open for them .

“Shouldn’t  you  be  rounding up the lost sheep or  something  ?  ”  asked

Brownie .

“People  are sick of it now ,  so I’m having the day off .  They’ll  be  a

private  party at The Trader tonight once the result is announced you  are

both invited of course ,  ” explained Mr Stone as he drove off ,  followed

by William his radio shadow .

          Percy  and  the  Federation of  Undertakers  and  Embalmers  had

arranged for cars , not hearses , to pick up people from the rest homes in

the  area .  Those with transport who wanted to do the same were  given  a

printout  of  who ,  when and where to pick up other housebound  people  .

Andy’s  Atari  now holding a database of those needing  transport  to  the

polls , young James the son of Len was allowed to watch the proceedings to

help  him  with  his computer studies .  Everything was going  to  plan  .

Smiling Paul came along to sneak a look at the forcast , then like a snake

he  slid  away and rushed to William Hills in Hurst Street  Birmingham  to

make a bet . He was smiling , if he was within one hundred votes he’d be a

very rich and happy man .

            In  the afternoon Percy called Mr Stone and Mr Chance  to  his

office , he had the result ready , seven hours before the polls shut .

“Well  me  and  Andy  and  young James have  entered  all  the  figures  ,

accounting  for  the sick and those on holiday who forgot to get  a  proxy

vote , ” Percy paused .

Mr Chance clutched his Bible and closed his eyes ,  for fourty years  he’d

been  humbled ,  now thank the Lord his time had come .  The  Lord  had

passed the challenge to a younger man .  The stone which the Liberals  had

nearly rejected would become the corner stone , Mr Stone was the man . 

“The Liberals will win by 2500 votes , they will have 32150 votes , Labour

will  be second with just under 30000 votes ,  the margin of error is  100

votes , if our research is correct , ” Percy  looked around the room .

Mr Frederick Chance was crying , the local Liberals were stunned , if this

were  true  they’d be staying out late tonight to get drunk  ,  and  their

wives could go to Hell . 

“Let’s have a drink , ” said Percy passing around the whisky .

“To Mr Stone ,  Member of Parliament for Old Forge and Singing Anvil  ,  “

said Percy before downing his drink .

“Can I broadcast this ? ” asked William the radio shadow .

“Only  after the polls shut and just before the official  announcement  is

made ,  the other parties won’t believe it , then the official result will

knock them for six , ” said Mr Chance through tear stained eyes .

“Now Andy  ,get in our most reliable hearse ,  to London you must  go  ,

deliver  this into the hands of the leader of the Liberals ,  nobody  else

must see it , ” said Percy sounding like a general as he put the result in

an envelope .

“But what if the car breaks down ? ” asked Andy .

“I’ll go with him in my van , ” said Patrick who was standing at the back.

“I’ll go too , ” said Sid , ” Len will takeover in my butchers . “

So it was that the good news was brought ,  not from Aix to Ghent  , but

from Old Forge and Singing Anvil to London and Parliament .  The butcher ,

the baker and the undertaker in convoy raced down to London ,  they  would

return in time for the party at the Trader .

           The stage was set ,  and a stage it would be ,  for  Percy  had

decided there would be iceing on the cake , pure sweet iceing .  Mr  Stone

spent  Polling Day driving people to the polls in one of  Percy’s  funeral

cars  , William the radio shadow lending a steadying hand as the old  and

the ancient from the rest homes as they climbed into the funeral car , for

some the next funeral car they’d be in  would be the hearse itself .

        Down  to  London raced Andy ,  Patrick and  Big  Sid  .  Sergeant

Mulholland  joined  them for the first few miles giving  them  a  flashing

escort .  Then he waved them goodbye and turned off the motorway . Just as

the  Sergeant was turning off the motorway patrol was passing by  ,  using

their initiative they took up the escort , besides they wanted to get back

to  base  before the canteen closed ,  the trio of  butcher  ,  baker  and

undertaker could follow in their wake .  So it was that the good news from

Old  Forge and Singing Anvil to London and Parliament had a police  escort

all the way ; other police forces took up the escort duties as each escort

car stopped at the end of their area .

         In  London  Andy ,  Patrick and Big Sid gained  two  motor  cycle

outriders , they were on their way to meet the Prime Minister’s car , Andy

just happened to tuck in behind them and glided all the way to Parliament.

“We have a letter for the leader of the Liberal Party , ” boomed Big Sid .

“Yes , its for him alone , he is expecting us , ” added Patrick .

“Here it is , ” said  Andy holding the letter aloft .

The armed police on guard outside Westminister scratched their heads ,  a

butcher ,  a baker and an undertaker with police escort , wanting to speak

to  the Liberal leader .  That was a first for sure .  The Prime  Misister

came out and was about to get in his car when he spotted the trio from the

street .

“Can I help you ? ” he asked from behind his glasses .

“We want the Leader of the Liberals ,  mate ,  ” said Andy not recognising

who he was talking to .

“Sorry I cann’t help you ,  I’m with the other lot , but I’ll see if I can

find  him  for you ,  ” said the Prime Minister who went back  inside  the

Palace of Westminister .

A  few  minutes later the Prime Minister emerged with the  Leader  of  the

Liberals .

“Well I must be going now ,  nice to have met you ,  bye ” said the  Prime

Minister as he got into his car .

“He’s a nice man , so helpful , was he some kind of bank manager , ” asked

Andy .

“Well you could say that ,  he’s in charge of the Bank Of England and  one

or two other things , ” explained the leader of the Liberals with a smile.

“I have been sent with this , ” Andy held the envelope aloft .

“The  result of the Old Forge and Singing Anvil election ,  ”  smiled  the

leader of the Liberals .

“Yes ,  and Percy says he’s sorry that the margin of error is 100 , but Mr

Stone will be joining you down here , that’s for sure . ” explained Andy .

“You must be hungry , come on in we’ll eat and have a pint or two , ” said

the  leader  of  the  Liberals  as  he  led  them  inside  the  Palace  of

Westminister .

“I  hope you’ve got Bank’s Bitter in here ,  or Mr Stone won’t  like  this

place much , ” warned Big Sid .

           So  the  trio had a well deserved meal  ,  the  leader  of  the

Liberals paid too .  After the meal the trio said their goodbyes , Big Sid

handed two bottles of Wayne’s Special Reserve to the Liberal leader .

“When Sir Robin Day and Peter Snow get the shock of their lives give  them

a  little of this ,  save the second bottle for yourself if you like  ,  “

said Big Sid as he handed over the bottles .

With  that they set off for the Black Country ,  they didn’t want to  miss

the party , they had to vote too in all the excitement they’d forgotten .

         Smiling Paul was excited too ,  he stood to win half a million if

Percy’s forcast was correct , he’d be rich beyond the dreams of avarice .

Smiling  Paul  hadn’t  worked out what he’d spend the  money  on  ,  he’d

probably  have  his winnings in cash and spend a day  counting  it knowing

him , then he’d hide it under the floor boards . Though he had decided one

thing already ,  he’d go to Chinatown in Birmingham’s Hurst Street area to

have a celebration meal with his new friends .

         Big  Sid ,  Patrick and Andy arrived back just before  the  polls

closed  ,  so dashing in they put their cross by Mr Stone’s name  .  Percy

called  a final meeting in his study ,  the iceing on the cake had  to  be

prepared after all .

          Back  in London the leader of the Liberals was  smiling  like  a

Cheshire cat ,  Sir Robin Day gave him sidelong glances , something was in

the wind but what was it . The leader of the Liberals had resealed Percy’s

envelope and handed it to Sir Robin just before they went on air ,  it was

as if the result of a beauty contest had already been decided .  Sir Robin

had once stood for Parliament as a Liberal himself before he went on to be

the biggest and best political interviewer Britain had ever known ,  so he

knew a Cheshire cat when he saw one !

           Peter Snow spoke of swings to the left and swings to the  right

as he prowled in front of his charts in his brown suede shoes , as for the

result in Old Forge and Singing Anvil that was a forgone conclusion ,  and

an  irrelevance  compared  to the spoils in  the  South  ,  though  nobody

actually  said that .  And still the leader of the Liberals smiled like  a

Cheshire  cat  ,  Sir  Robin would have loved to know  what  was  in  the

envelope in his pocket ,  he must have felt like Gollum in The Lord of The

Rings  ,  the envelope was calling to him ,  it was teasing him ,  it  was

torturing him .

           Back in the Old Forge and Singing Anvil Council House the count

had begun , the various Party spokesmen had made their predictions . It was

Mr Frederick’s Chance’s turn to give an opinion .

“The  Moneychangers will be chased out of the Temple ,  we shall take  off

our shoes and shake the dust from them ,  the veil of The Temple shall  be

rent  from  top to bottom ,  after death is life ,  ”  he  smiled  winking

straight into the camera .

In the Trader a cheer went up ,  in The Red Cow a cheer went up ,  in  the

Blue  Gates a cheer went up ,  in the Punchbag a cheer went up  ,  in  the

Waterworks a cheer went up ,  in The Bell and Pump a cheer went up  ,  all

over the constituency of Old Forge and Singing Anvil cheers went up in all

the pubs and clubs .  Even in the Bell in Harbourne a cheer went up  ,  Mr

Kemp was in on the secret so he’d escaped his wife for the evening .

          Back  in London still the leader of the Liberals smiled  like  a

Cheshire  cat  ,  Sir  Robin was allowed to look at the  contents  of  the

envelope  so  long  as he said nothing for a while .  Sir  Robin  did  not

believe  what  he’d  just  read  so  he  kept  mum  .   The  other   party

representatives  demanded to know what the big secret was ,  so  they  too

were allowed to read Percy’s forcast .

“And  where  exactly did you get this information from  ,  ”  laughed  the

Labour man tossing the forcast back at the leader of the Liberals .

“Let’s say a butcher ,  a baker and an undertaker told me ,  or rather  an

undertaker’s  son ,  ” smiled back the leader of the Liberals now  looking

more like a Cheshire cat than a Cheshire cat .

“Come , come , I know we are politicians but lets have a straight answer     

for once , ” demanded the Tory spokesman .

“Well if you don’t believe me ,  then ask the Prime Minister ,  it was him

who  personally brought me the message ,  ” the Liberal leader   had  just

drunk the cream judging from the look on his face .

           Peter  Snow  with more news of his swings  ,  he  was  like  an

overgrown kid displaying the tricks he could perform on his home computer,

interrupted  the politicians as he danced in front of his charts  in  his

brown  suede shoes .  And still the leader of the Liberals lapped  up  the

cream .

           The result was about to be announced in Old Forge  and  Singing

Anvil , Mr Stone winked at William .

“Hello just before the result is announced I’d like to announce a  special

forcast  produced  this morning by Mr Percy Frost  the  undertaker  .  The

Liberals will win by 2500 votes with a total of 32150 , ” said William all

in one breath to the listeners of Beacon and WABC .

          “There is a local radio report that the Liberals have won  ,  it

must be wishful thinking ,  ” gushed Peter Snow dismissing the information

handed to him on a piece of paper .

“That’s  about right ,  isn’t it Sir Robin ,  ” smiled a Cheshire cat  who

bore a striking resemblance to the leader of the Liberals .

Sir Robin grasped Percy’d forcast which was on the desk before him .

“But , but but , just who is this Percy Frost , ” stammered Sir Robin .

          The T.V. coverage went live to the Black Country for the result.

It  was true Mr Stone had won by 2399 votes ,  a Liberal had won  the  Old

Forge  and Singing Anvil constituency for the first time in sixty years  .

Mr Frederick Chance went down on his knees and prayed ,  though it was the

other parties who had been brought to their knees that night .

          The other parties were in a state of shock ,  the leader of  the

Liberals reached down to the floor and picked up both bottles of Wayne’s

Special Reserve .  Peter Snow looked as if ,  he’d been told there was  no

Father  Christmas ,  Sir Robin Day was lost for words for the first  time

ever in his life . The leader of the Liberals just smiled as he poured out

the whisky . As they all drank there was another look of surprise on their

faces , where did this whisky come from ?

“Oh , the whisky’s from Old Forge and Singing Anvil too , good isn’t it ? “

said the leader of the Liberals looking surprised for the first time that

night .

         The  tv coverage ended with Peter Snow crying as  he  drank  his

whisky  ,as  for the other parties all they wanted to know was  where  the

whisky came from , “bugger the election where’s the whisky from exactly”

was what viewers heard as the studio lights went down .

         Cheers rang up all over the Black Country , now the fat cats down

in  London would listen to them ;  cheers rang out through the Old  Forge

and Singing Anvil Council House as Mr Stone stood before the microphone .

“God I could murder a pint of Banks , ” was the first thing he said .

There was an almighty clash as the doors to the chamber opened ,  Big  Sid

and  Len stood framed in the doorway ,  they were wearing blood  smattered

butchers aprons and holding the mightiest of meat cleavers . A scream rang

out ,  Mr Stone glanced at Percy .  Then there was a blood curdling howl ,

followed by another then another ,  people froze with terror . Then a wolf

appeared  ,  the wolf entered the chamber and looked around as if  looking

for a victim . The wolf howled as the Red Sea parted , the wolf was at and

through the door ,  the wolf howled again and again and again . Dudley Zoo

up the road went crazy , all the animals joined in , they echoed the howls

coming from Old Forge and Singing Anvil Council house .  Nobody knew  what

to do . Then a little Indian Princess appeared , dressed as if attending a

wedding ,  she was dressed for her marriage .  It was Jaswinder , the wolf

was no wolf , just hairy Amjit .

“Silly dog ,  don’t frighten  the people ,  ” chided Jaswinder , with that

she kissed the dog .

Together hairy Amjit and Jaswinder went through the crowd to the stage .

Mr Stone reached down and picked her up .

“As I was saying I could murder a pint of Banks , ” he paused .

With  that Wayne and Patrick appeared in the doorway carrying a barrel  of

Banks  ,  to cheers led by Len and Big Sid they brought the barrel to  the

podium .

In seconds Wayne had tapped the barrel and handed Mr Stone a frothing pint .

“Yes  ,  as I was saying ,  the wolf is at the door for the other  parties

now  ,” he paused as hairy Amjit began to howl ,  ” no more will doors  be

slammed in the face of the small ,the little , the innocent people  . For

you have  made me your M.P. and tonight my door is open and it will always

be  that way so long as I am your M.P.  For  being an M.P.  means but  one

thing ,  Marriage to a People ,  cheers !” with that Mr Stone M.P. drained

his  glass .

          Local tv.  had continued with live coverage ,  so throughout the

Black Country a cheer went up as they watched the new M.P. drink his beer.

People  remember the seige of Old Forge and Singing Anvil ,  but  now  the

undertaker  had  returned in triumphant ,  and with him the wolf  and  the

Indian Princess to open doors wide ,  never again would doors be  slammed

in  people’s faces .  Leaving the barrel of Banks for the losers to  drown

their sorrows in Mr Stone rode with Percy in triumphant back to the street

and the Trader .

      The last time the Trader saw such fun was V.E. Day , the beer flowed

like the River Black itself ,  there was another black river that night  ,

the  river of Guinness which flowed down people’s throats .  Smiling  Paul

was buying everybody in sight drinks ,  it was as if he’d won the Pools  ,

in fact he hadn’t , but he’d won two bets on the result of the election .

         The next day the news papers were full of the amazing victory  in

the Black Country ,  one or two had a feature on the man behind the scenes

Mr  Percy Frost the local undertaker .  He had buried the  opposition  for

sure , and his prediction was only 101 votes out , or one if you count the

margin  of  error  .  If somebody had had a bet on the  result  using  his

figures then they’d be a rich man , a very rich man indeed .

         But one man did have a bet ,  Smiling Paul was his name .  He was

now a very rich man .  Another man for whom the election ment so much  was

Martin . He’d seen all the theatre , he’d seen Jaswinder and hairy Amjit .

He  just  wanted to spit ,  it made him sick ,  because of her  he’d  been

bitten by that animal , now he was lumbered with a pregnant girlfriend and

no money .  He cursed her ,  the dog and the street .  Such mixed emotions

brought about by a simple election . Who knew what the future would bring.   

then the dramatic 3 chapter finale kicks in……

this was

Elections Comedy Style made Simple

now I’ve posted this before

It’s chapter nine from The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker

then the 3 chapter dramatic finale, In Search of an Indian Princess

so to speak, kicks in

now read on, then you an buy the entire book on Amazon

free on Amazon Kindle UNLIMITED

OR over on WordPress join the tens of 1000s who have read it

in Translation.

One day I’ll get paid, but I’m exposing myself first,

 or just my words, or you’d puke…..

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