The Birmingham Pain Centre

The Birmingham Pain Centre ©

By

Michael Casey

This is an alternative reality story, or a Donald Trump truth story, if that is not a contradiction in terms, and yes it has nothing to do with Donald, he is busy polishing his shoes with a tooth brush, his new General insisted.

Well The Birmingham Pain Centre, is a dream, which I hope I can magic into reality with the help of God and Two Policemen as my mum used to say. Let’s just fast forward to the opening ball, or gala, picture the scene in a barn of a bar. Journalists are everywhere, they were told it as a free bar and their editors will also be there, so it will be a perfect afternoon’s drinking session.

An Abba tribute band is playing in a corner, what more could they want? Yes Subway are providing the food, they have set up shop in a corner with models making the sandwiches, they will of course get out of bed for any free publicity. And why are journalists’ balls bigger than anybody else’s balls, because they write it up for themselves, so it must be true.

Sean Spicer is guest of honour, he’s in England to voice over the new Yoga Bear in Space movie. To be honest journalists have no balls, ask Kate Adie and the Sky lady, why because they get shot off in all the dangerous places they visit. Lynx has a concession in another corner, it’s a spray that lasts 10 days, made especially for hard pressed journalists, it even takes the smell of beer away. Obviously this is the busiest place in the bar, ok I’m lying, but everybody but everybody will pay a visit.

The editors are doing each others’ crosswords, and editors know many a cross word, which reminds me of a future story from Tears for a Butcher where there is a scrabble competition. But I digress. Also in attendance are several judges and lawyers galore, lawyers galore I said, not liars galore. The law knows about bars, the legal bar, the alcoholic bar and behind bars, they also know about barmaids down the Trader in Old Forge and Singing Anvil, but I digress, I was just product placing from The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker.

Now you may be asking what would this bunch of reprobates be doing on a Tuesday afternoon down the pub,it is Tuesday isn’t it? Elementary is on tv so it must be Tuesday. Well wait, stop, Hugh Grant has arrived, he’s sitting in a corner heckling. I did tell him to get some cream for his heckling but he just would not shut up. The journalists as one have turned their back on him. He is now gently crying as he mouths the songs the Abba tribute band is singing. He’s ringing a friend, Nick from radio 4, but John answers the phone as says Nick is on holiday in Scotland with his best buddy Alec. Hugh just says, just tell him I rung, before wiping his nose on his sleeve.

To the sounds of corks popping the meeting is called to order while the Abba tribute band has a Subway sandwich made by models. This is the inaugural of The Birmingham Pain Centre, or the Birmingham Pain for short. Now I could say that folks made jokes about Birmingham being a pain, a right pain, but I won’t tar MU supporters with that brush, I want their money after all, I want everybody’s money. That is my mission, my position, my missionary position.

The Birmingham Pain will promote the study and relief of pain, everything from acupuncture to the Karma Sutra and everything in between. If it takes away pain, then its part of the Birmingham Pain. Obviously the first place to start is Curry’s we need to have a computer full of knowledge. Better still we get IT students in Birmingham to build a computer from scratch. 3 in fact, a live, a backup and a spare. Having worked in a computer room 40 years ago, safety and backup is everything. If we could get folks to donate kit or money to allow the Birmingham IT students to build the servers as the fancy name is the so much the better.

Stop let’s get back to the surreal a moment, what is that Judge doing, a High Court Judge caught singing And The Winner Takes it all. His chums in full regalia singing Super Trooper, somebody hold back that Daily Mail person, he’s not allow up on stage for Health and Safety reasons. The Daily Mirror boy promised a big donation if we kept him off the stage, I’ll accept “bribes” from anybody. Hugh Grant has cheered up he has got his vegan Subway sandwich, and a giant fizzy drink, Moet in Subway cup.

Where was I? Now if The Birmingham Pain was affiliated to Birmingham Medical school, maybe my daughter could get in in 2 years time, ONLY JOKING, besides I want her to go to Cambridge. The idea is to fund research, not waste it on buildings and PR. The idea would be to give scholarships and funding. And talking about affiliations, who knows more about pain? MU, that’s who, by which I means their Physios, every elite sport Physios, IF you tapped into their knowledge of pain relief it could aid general research. You could also hold medical conferences at Premier League grounds, that way the reach would be all over the country, obvious The Premiership donates this free on wet Tuesdays when the facilities are empty, the WAGs could hand out the Subway sandwiches.  

Stop that’s disgusting, a Teetotal journalist, somebody fetch a priest, what he is a priest, a priest and journalist? I don’t believe you. This is FAKE news, from the Gutter Press. A priest and a journalist and Teetotal too, it’s just not true, I just don’t believe it. What’s his name. Michael Casey the fat silver haired writer in shades from Birmingham. No that’s me but I just had to visit the lavatory, so give us a second and I’ll tell you his name. Don Camillo yes that’s him. I have a Dream is playing the tribute band is just so good, its true honest guv, its true. I read his book just before my triple with turned out to be a quadruple heart bypass. I just hurt myself then stretching too much,no not stretching the truth, just stretching, yes really, 2.5 years on and still pain from that and the old Arthritis.

And that is why I have decided to set up The Birmingham Pain Centre, because I know more about pain than James Bond, remember the line from the film? Yes millions know much much more. So if you buy the books I can give you lots of pain, oodles of pain, I’ll share it with The Birmingham Pain Centre. Why have journalists and judges in the story because they would be on the board, very bored, working for zilch, but if a bar wants to provide a free lunch that’s where the annual meeting would be held. Pro Bono lawyers would do any law that’s the dream laid out before you. I am in my missionary position waiting for you, if you are smiling then you may be tempted to HELP.

None of this can happen till people buy the books, though most of you may think my writing sucks. It will never have Charity written on the book, and really you don’t need to buy a damn thing. Because I give you the idea on a plate. Do your own pain relief, thief my idea, in fact you can take the idea and use it in every country of the world. So if you are in Germany or Egypt, today’s readers in German and Korean were from those countries. Wherever you are please let’s set up a pain relief foundation, affiliate like football does. Use every scrap of knowledge, technology and medicine combined. Pain is no joke.