The Phantom Writer

The Phantom Writer ©

By Michael Casey

Peter loved Theresa but she did not know this, she had never even met him, so how could she love him back if she had not even met him. Peter had seen her in the staff canteen, and he was smitten. Yes she wore braces and had horrid glasses, but her smile framed by her red hair was what won Peter’s heart, her twinkle was enough for him.

But how could he win the heart of this fair maiden? Peter’s problem was that he was shy, he’d stammer when he spoke to a girl he fancied. So how could he win the heart of this fair maiden. Peter was sitting in the cinema alone watching Roxanne when he spotted Theresa in the cinema too. She loved the film as did he, and the plot inspired Peter. Roxanne is based on Cyrano de Bergerac, the ugly man with the poet’s heart, rather like the writer Michael Casey perhaps.

So Peter found Theresa’s email address in the company register and sent her a poem, attached at the bottom was a cartoon of Cyrano de Bergerac. He had a friend in the IT department called Trevor so he persuaded Trevor to give him an extra email. His nom de plume was Cyrano and the poem was headed to My Lady Theresa de Roxanne. Theresa clicked and was thinking what more rubbish the company were sending when she saw the poem and the senders name. She blushed and sighed at the same time, nobody had ever sent her poetry before.

Theresa knew the email address was fake and was not going to reply, but she was moved by what she read so she clicked and replied 8/10. Peter was thrilled with the reply, so he replied with another poem, from 8/10 he began his 2^nd poem. Theresa was even more thrilled by this, so she replied with 10/8 just to see what reaction she’d get. Peter laughed and was still laughing when he replied with a third poem. You made me laugh he started with before adding I’m neither 10/8 or 8/10 in fact I am 7of9. Then he proceeded with the third poem.

Theresa happened to be a SciFi fan so she knew what 7of9 meant, she loved the Borg, and just wished she was as beautiful as that girl in Star Trek. So she cut and pasted a photo of 7of9 onto the end of the 3^rd poem put her own face on the Borg body. Peter was a little upset by the image, because he loved Theresa as she was, warts and all if you like. So with the next poem he added I prefer you as you are, not as a Borg. This thrilled Theresa, a man who loved her for herself. So she added a photo of herself  just as she was sat at her desk. She also asked Cyrano what did he really look like.

Peter sent a photo of himself but with a Clingon head, Theresa was pleased, Cyrano was quiet hunky, but the head was horrid. However Theresa had now decided she liked him, who got poetry from their boyfriend, nobody but her. But he was not her boyfriend. So the poems flowed and just a line or two of conversation, Theresa liked him more and more. So she replied with you are a 10, to which Peter replied with a picture of Bo Derek from the film 10, with his head on top.

Now Theresa laughed when she got the photo, so what should she do in reply. She was tempted to send a swimsuit picture of herself, but she decided that would be too tarty, so she did not, remembering what Sister Cecelia in Saint Pauls had warned all the girls. Give a man nothing, not even temptation. So she replied with a Kim Kardasian photo with her head attached to a donkey’s bum. Sister Cecelia would have been proud of her.

Peter’s heart was won over by that, he knew he just had to marry her, once he got around to asking her out and dating her. Life isn’t a straight line though. Peter’s secret came out when the company did an audit of the email activity, big companies can be right bastards sometimes. Now the sands of time ran out. The company called everybody to a meeting in the dining hall. Peter was called forward and David the boss a small runt of a man began to dress him down. Peter was all muscles in his bright pink shirt and his sprayed-on jeans. He’d been working out in anticipation of finally asking Theresa out.

Peter wanted so much to tell David to go and and and, but he began to stutter and David mocked him for his stutter. The staff began to murmur, this was not right, this was not right. Theresa had made some changes too, she was going to track her Cyrano down. She would be ready, she’d ditched the horrid glasses, and her teeth were now straight and the braces were gone, she was even wearing blue the same blue as 7of9 because her Cyrano liked that blue.

Peter was stuttering more and more, and David was goading him imitating the stutter. Theresa knew her was her Cyrano, and she was going to marry him, now that she knew who he was and once they got the dating started. As for Sister Cecilla she could go to Hell, her man was gonna get everything, once she had 2 rings on her fingers. And as for that little bastard David, hey you, you little runt leave my man alone, I bet the only time you got any poetry was when somebody threw a book at you.

With that she pushed him into the water dispenser and it broke sending 20 gallons of water spurting all over him. Peter was amazed, for in blue Theresa looked exactly like 7of9 but with red hair instead of blonde. The whole workforce cheered as she gave Peter mouth to mouth resuscitation, as for David, he was expelled from the office for criminal damage to a water dispenser. You see a visiting top boss from France had witnessed everything and he was a big Cyrano de Bergerac fan, as well as being nuts about SciFi, so he took the only way out, he sacked David. And the name of the visiting French boss was Edmond Rostand.