Getting Ready for a Wedding ©

Getting Ready for a Wedding ©

By Michael Casey

They say that Marriage is marriage to a person and marriage to his or her people, well that’s what they say here in Old Forge and Singing Anvil. My friend Tina is getting ready for her “marriage” so I’m having to give her a bit of advice and pep her up. Big Dave who’s big in the community is also giving a bit of help too, what he doesn’t know about Fashion isn’t worth knowing, yes he always wear a Kaftan himself, but that’s because he broke 5 gastric bands.

Crunchie bars were his downfall, and living right next door to the best chip shop in Old Forge and Singing Anvil.

 He did in fact marry the girl from the chip shop, she was always frying and he was always looking across the counter waiting to be served. In the end she served herself and he was well and truly salted and vinegared and wrapped up in grease proof paper. It was a perfect relationship.

But I’m getting off the subject, we have to dress Tina ready for her wedding night and explain what is expected once she is all alone with her intended. We’ve got some nice shoes lined up, we managed to hide her beloved wellies, she’s always going on walks and wellies and her old blue anorak were her favourites. 

But for her wedding she’s borrowed a pair of red high heels, Derek the cross dresser said she could have them for the night. Then Mary from the Dairy said she could have a garter, never been used, though she had high hopes, but Gordon ran off to the Highlands, and it turned out not to be just a fling. So the Garter was just gathering dust.

Now Tina needs a bit of conversation before they go at it hammer and tongs. It may hurt a little at first but once you get into the swing of things you’ll enjoy it and time will fly and you’ll leave him exhausted in a heap. He’ll look like a broken old man with a dazed expression on his face.

Now I should explain what I’m really taking about. Today the Election Starting Gun was Fired here in England and the UK. So Tina, or There IS No Alternative, who sounded like Mrs Thatcher in 1979 if you remember then, Theresa May is getting ready for the forthcoming fight. It’s a bit like getting ready for a wedding, you have to make a good impression, not just on your intended, but on the whole congregation and everybody at the reception afterwards. Then there are speeches, and finally you are all alone in the bedroom.

You may want to open all the presents before you undress each other, then love grows where my Rosemary goes so to speak. Or in Politics she will call him a tramp and a Worzel Gummidge and he will call her a Vicar’s Daughter which is not an insult or a metaphor, though it does sound extremely rude, because she really is a vicar’s daughter. 

She’ll give him a Hymn to sing, and that may even be a Carol, which really is a really filthy thing to say if you are a Vicar’s daughter. She will give him chapter and verse from the Old Testament, and finish him off with a bit of Vespers, her dad taught her well after all. Tina, I won’t always be here to defend my little baby, so he had her do a course of bell ringing, and if any man ever tried anything, she would really sort him and his ding a ling, he could go and chuck his berry.

As for Jezza in the bedroom, which really is a metaphor for the tv studio where Dimbleby and that really is a nasty nasty thing to meet, you have a course of ointment and 3 injections after you have a Dimbleby, anyway Jezza may be first but Tina will be second to be grilled. Grilling is nothing to do with cooking so Jezza will have to be ready. I hear talk that Gillette will donate millions if Jezza shaves and Moss Bros will donates millions if he wears a suit. Only Jezza got the wrong end of the stick, Gillette will donate Minions to GOSH for Children if he shaves. And Moss Bros would match Gillette Minions for Minions if he wore their suit.

Tina, or Mrs May, though she prefers being called Tina in Cabinet is ready for anybody, she’s going to wear Big Dave’s Kaftan even if it smells a bit of fish, and she’s borrowed some steel toe-capped shoes from her personal protection officer. Dimbleby is in for a kicking, and as for Paxo she’ll stuff him too, and he better watch his canticles, vicar’s daughters are dangerous.

I could go on but I have to shave Jeza before the election campaign starts, he was in Birmingham today after all. If he remembers to change bus at the Locomotion Engine and then again at the Cock Inn, then he may have a Hope, but he has to change buses at the Cape of Good Hope too. Then if he’s remember to bring his Brut shaving cream I can shave him ready for the Election.

And what do I think of all this election stuff, well in Chapter 9 of my novel The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker I have a version of an election Marriage to a Person, Marriage to a People. This is far funnier that the real thing, other than that Elections are a Load of Old Ballots.  

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