Cruel Christmas

Cruel Christmas ©

By Michael Casey

I was scanning the newspapers when I saw a piece about Johnny Depp’s goodwill trips to hospital. His daughter was saved by GOSH,  Great Ormond Street Hospital about 10 years ago, he was also in a biopic about Peter Pan’s creator, which is very good too.

Now that’s the good side of Christmas, but what about the dark side, can you feel the force or have you found your grannie’s stash of Babycham and are too hungover to feel anything, a bit like me having a pain day today.So if you are all sitting comfortably let me begin, no burping or farting at the back there, or there’ll be no Polish vodka for you. Didn’t I tell you the local deli gave me a bottle, I thought it was water but when I opened it I had a big big surprise.

So for Mrs Proper your English teacher what are you giving her? A scales and a tape measure, she is 123 kilos after all. The scales are to measure out her food, they go up to 150kilos, and the tape measure is to measure the mounds of food she shovels down her throat. You are so very thoughtful.

And what about Miss Crawley, you’re giving her something from Victoria’s Secret and and an ipad. My you must really like her, what does she teach, Religion. So why do you want to give her lingerie, because she is so hot you’d risk the Fires of Hell just to see her in red lingerie, and maybe she’ll take some selfies with the ipad, and maybe more. Perhaps a bottle of holy water would be more appropriate, or a bottle of Polish vodka.

Then there is the caretaker what are you going to give him? Deodorant, Brut, definately Brut, or maybe Jeyes Fluid with a spray nozzle attached. Does he have a sweat problem? Oh, the boys locker rooms smell nicer than him. You could have a quiet word to save embarrassing him. You did that, that was very king of you. The Cheerleaders did a 5 minutes routine saying he stunk, he stunk, he stunk worse than a SKUNK. And what was his reaction? He just farted over the P.A. Nice.

So we’ve done school, what about a present for your local priest. An egg timer, that’s thoughtful, so he’ll have perfect boiled eggs for his breakfast, the most important meal of the day. Oh, its for his pulpit so he’ll give shorted sermons. Well dual purpose presents are always the best ones and it does save money.

And are you giving anything to Henry our street cleaner, 20 cans of lager, that’s very good. You are going to drink the lager first and give him the empty cans, now that’s so cruel. You really are going to give him 20 cans of lager, he rescued your wallet from the storm drain by using his litter picker. You were on a hot date with somebody from school, Miss Crawley, only joking but who knows in the future.

What about granddad, you have bought him incontinence knickers so he can watch Manchester United without dashing to the toilet in the middle of it, and he can drink 4 cans of Stella Artois such is the capacity of the incontinence knickers. My you really do love granddad.

What about your sister, you got her original gift tokens, I never heard of original gift tokens. You gave her 100 quid in cash, very kind of you. You had a win on the lottery otherwise she’d have gotten 10 quid and a lottery ticket. But it’s the thought that counts.

And what about me, do I get anything, though to be honest a card made with love would be enough. You have nothing for me, but when you finish your Kentucky Fried Chicken  you’ll make a Christmas card out of the box, because you know how ecology and recycling is so dear to my heart. Oh, but you will put a lottery ticket inside the card, you will, that’s nice I could win millions, and I’d buy everybody in the family a new house. What can you repeat that your mouth is so full of chicken, can I lend you 2 pounds for lottery ticket, then you’ll put it in the card made from a used Kentucky Fried Chicken box.

Merry Christmas2016 Everybody, Christmas costs nothing and is made of Love, and I have plenty of that, nothing, nothing but love.