Wednesday, 16 March 2022

Battered Husband from 1988 maybe for all you non PC people

 I wrote this maybe 30 years ago, 1988 maybe

It's not PC, if you have a sense of humour then you'll enjoy it

Michael G Casey email michaelgcasey@hotmail.com

 

 

 

 

                         Battered  Husband  ©

 

 

 

                                 by  

 

 

                          Michael   Casey

 

 

Opening

 

A  fat man comes down the steps from an airport lounge  ,  he is carrying

bags , a young very attractive woman is with him . The woman is carrying a

small vanity case , while he struggles with the bags . They make there way

to the long stay car park .

 

 

Henry:The car's over here somewhere .

 

 

He waves his hand , by his voice we know he hasn't a clue .

 

 

Tracy:What colour did you say it was ?

Henry:Blue , sky blue - an estate .

 

 

After much searching they find the estate car .

 

 

Tracy:More like in a state than an estate car to me .

Henry:It's  just the weather here ,  it has been parked for 3 weeks  after

      all .

Tracy:I suppose so . (Grudgingly said)

 

 

Tracy  waits while he fumbles for the keys and tries juggling the  luggage

as he searches his pockets .

 

 

Tracy:It might help if you put the luggage down .

Henry:Oh .

 

 

Henry  puts  the cases down ,  one belonging to Tracy with a  "Las  Vegas"

sticker on is put in a large puddle .

 

 

Tracy:Look out don't be so stupid , that's my best case and all .

 

 

Tracy  grabs  the case and rests it on the bonnet .  Meanwhile  Henry  has

found  the key but his hand is wedged in his pocket .  After watching  him

struggle  for a while Tracy helps .  She holds the outside of  the  pocket

down while he pulls the key out . The pocket is torn by his efforts .

 

 

Henry:Oh , never mind you can always sew it for me .

Tracy:You must be joking , I don't sew , I always got a friend to do mine

Henry:Oh , I didn't know that .

Tracy:We'll  find  out about each other in time ,  after all  that's  what

      marriage is for .

Henry:And one or two other things .     (He smirks)

Tracy:Pardon ?

Henry:Yes , my Twinky Pinky .

 

 

Tracy  is  annoyed by this and looks around to see if he has  been  heard

before she hisses a reply while giving him a laser look .

 

 

Tracy:That's our private , special words , NOT to be used in a car park .

Henry:Sorry .

 

 

Henry  opens the boot  , loads all the luggage before opening the  drivers

door . Then he leans across to let her in . Reluctantly Tracy gets in .

 

 

Tracy:IF  you were a gentleman you'd have let me in first ,  then put  the

      luggage  in  ,  or at least held the door open for  me  .  Your  an

      uncivilise animal you are .

Henry:You  said  it was the animal in me that you liked ,  the  first  two

      nights before we decided to get married .

 

 

Tracy  is stunned by this remark then is about to reply when  Henry  pulls

off , forcing her into the back of her seat .

 

 

We watch as they drive off .   (FADEOUT)

 

We next see them driving through a nice suburb , Tracy perks up .

 

 

Tracy:So you live around here ? (EXCITED)

Henry:Yes .

Tracy:They are all very nice houses ,  is yours - I mean ours , is it like

      that one ?

 

 

Tracy points out an absolute mansion , Henry gulps .

 

 

Henry:Well er , you will have to wait and see .

Tracy:Go on tell me now .

Henry:No , you'll enjoy the surprise more if you wait .

Tracy:You tease .

Henry:If I remember right you said you liked being teased .

 

 

Tracy  blushes  ,  for  the rest of the journey she points  out  houses  ,

waiting  for his reaction .  Gradually the houses are less grand but still

nice ,  finally they are in a lower middle class area .  They turn into  a

pretty side road , Tracy is downhearted but at least the houses look nice .

 

 

 

Tracy:Well at least this is a nice cul de sac .

 

 

Tracy looks around trying to guess which is her new home .

 

 

Tracy:Oh look at that funny little house at the end .

 

 

Henry gulps , she does not notice , he  drives up the drive .

 

 

Tracy:But , but you said you had a nice house . You said you were a man of

      property .

Henry:But I am , please don't cry , everthing will be ok , just trust me .

Tracy:But you said it was .

 

 

Tracy starts to cry .

 

 

Henry:You were crying when we first met ,  after the oil millionaire  left

      you .

Tracy:But you promised .

 

 

Henry stops the engine .

 

 

Henry:Can you open the garage doors for me ,  then we'll go in and have  a

      nice cup of tea , you'll be ok then .

Tracy:You'll explain everything then ?

Henry:Promise . Then we can go to bed .

Tracy:But its only 2pm .

Henry:To sleep off the jet lag .

 

 

Henry  passes her the keys and she gets out .  Opening the garage doors  a

pile  of  "Sold"  and  "For Sale" signs fall out  .  Tracy  looks  at  him

accusingly .

 

 

Henry:Its for my work .

Tracy:What exactly do you do in property ?

Henry:Well I er , lets get inside first , its cold out here after Vegas .

Tracy:What are all these signs doing here ?

Henry:They are for my work .

Tracy:What kind of work ?

Henry:Property work .

Tracy:What do you do with them ?

Henry:I put them up , and I take them down .

Tracy:So you're a sign man .

Henry:A property sign man .

Tracy:Is that all you do .

Henry:Well property is my main concern .

Tracy:So you don't have an office or your own company .

Henry:I am self employed .

Tracy:A sign man .

 

 

Tracy moves out of the garage and trips on a "Sold" sign  , Henry gets out

of the car to help her . She struggles up , and throws the sign at him .

 

 

Tracy:I've laddered my stocking now .

 

 

Tracy hitches her dress to reveal her leg ,  Henry oggles her . Tracy sees

this so drops the dress and marches off and lets herself into the house .

Henry starts to move the boards out of the way when there is a loud scream

from inside , he drops the boards in shock .

 

Fadeout

 

 

We next see them in the kitchen ,  Tracy has been crying her face is  tear

stained . Cups of tea are in front of them .

 

 

Henry:Here have a biscuit they are your favourite .

 

 

Tracy reluctantly takes one , but spits it out straight into Henry's face

 

 

Tracy:It's stale .

 

 

She looks around the kitchen then starts to cry again .  The kitchen is in

a  real state ,  with paper peeling and washing up still in the sink  from

before Henry went on holidays .

 

 

Henry:They cann't be that bad .

 

 

Henry tries the biscuits  , he quite likes them , so he eats several .

 

 

Tracy:Look at the place though ,  you said it was beautiful ,  you said it

      was like a palace .

Henry:Well it is .

 

 

Henry looks around then realises that she is right .

 

 

Henry:Well it used to be when I used to visit my aunt here .

Tracy:How long ago is that ?

Henry:Not long .

 

 

Tracy  stares  at him though her tears .  After a long  pause  he  finally

decides to tell the truth .

 

 

Henry:When I was a teenager .

 

 

Tracy's tears flow again .

 

 

Henry:But  I've been only been here a while I haven't had time to do  the

      place up , I do work hard you know I don't have time to fix it up .

 

 

A  ceiling tile comes loose and falls on his head .  Tracy is  cheered  by

this .

 

 

Henry:Ok I'll start next week .  It will be fun doing it up  just the  way

      we like it . It will be OUR home , OUR nest .

Tracy:Promise ?

Henry:Promise .

 

 

Tracy  wipes  her tears away .  Henry leans across the table to  seal  the

bargain with a kiss ,  only he spills the rest of her cup of tea all  over

her . She jumps up .

 

 

Tracy:You idiot , it'll stain my dress , not to mention I could be scarred

      for life . A dancer cann't have stains you know .

Henry:Sorry . Let me wipe it  off .

 

 

Henry  grabs a filthy rag from beside the mountain of washing up  and daps

her down .

 

 

Tracy:Thank you . (SARCASTICALLY)

Henry:It's alright , show me your leg are you burned ?

 

 

Henry starts to lift the dress  , Tracy slaps his face , and storms off to

the bathroom . She shouts over her shoulder .

 

 

Tracy:If I want tea thrown over me and you groping me then I'll tell you .

Henry:But I was only trying to help .

 

 

We  hear the sound of her steps up the stairs ,  then a pause while  Henry

wrings  out the rag all over the washing up .  Then the bathroom  door  is

slammed  ,  several ceiling tiles fall over Henry's head in  the  kitchen

 

 

Henry:She'll get used to it . It will be nice having a little lady around

      to help with the housework , I bet deep down she's a right homemaker

 

 

Henry starts to  clear up the washing left from before the hols , he has

filled the bowl and is starting the washing up when there is a loud scream

from upstairs .  He drops a plate in fright , then still clutching the mop

for cleaning cups he storms upstairs .

 

 

In  the bathroom Tracy is in the bath ,  she is froze in terror ,  she  is

pointing .  There is a spider crawling around the edge .  Henry sees  this

and gulps as he is afraid of spiders too .

 

 

Henry:I'll crush it with this . (HOLDING THE WASHING UP MOP ALOFT)

Tracy:NO , it'll fall into the bath then .

Henry:What shall I do then ?

Tracy:Pick it up and flush it down the loo .

Henry:Crushing would be easier .

 

 

Tracy screams ,  the spider has moved . Henry summons all his strength and

half  closing his eyes in terror he grabs the spider and flushes down  the

toilet.

 

 

Henry:There emergency over .

Tracy:Flush it twice , and put some Domestos down .

 

 

Henry does as requested . Tracy relaxes now .

 

 

Tracy:You are brave aren't you .

Henry:Not really . (HE'S VERY PROUD OF HIMSELF)

 

 

Henry stands there not knowing what to do next .  After a moment Tracy  is

back to her normal self .

 

 

Tracy:What  are you standing there for don't you have some washing  up  to

      do?

 

 

Henry looks at the washing up mop in his hand .

 

 

Henry:OH yes , your leg is ok ?

Tracy:Yes thanks . (SHE IS HUMAN FOR A SECOND)

Henry:You don't want me to scrub your back?

Tracy:NO. (INDIGNANT)

 

 

Henry leaves the bathroom relantly . He stops by the door .

 

 

Henry:Is that another spider ?

Tracy:WHERE , WHERE . (IN PANIC)

Henry :Only Joking ,  Well I'll get back to the kitchen unless you want me

       to wash your back ? (HALF HOPING)

 

 

Tracy answers by throwing the sponge in his face .  (FADEOUT)

 

 

 

In the kitchen Henry is up a ladder just putting the last new ceiling tile

in position ,  he is over stretched up a ladder .  Tracy comes in  shaking

her hands to dry the nail varnish .

 

 

Henry:Look , one decorated kitchen , aren't you proud of me ?

 

 

He holds out his hands expansively .  Tracy looks around mildly  impressed

 

 

 

Tracy:You better give that one another push or it'll fall .

 

 

She points at one tile .  Henry reaches over to give it another push while

the glue is still tacky . In doing so he over balances and has to stand in

the  sink to save falling .  His leg breaks all the crockery and a  splash

lands on Tracy .

 

 

Tracy:Fool  ,  look what you've done you've broken all the crockery  .  My

      mother send it as a wedding present .  And you've ruined my dress ,

      I'll HAVE to have another .

 

 

Tracy  wipes the tiny spot with a tea towel ,  only to discover Henry  has

been  using it to wipe the ceiling glue from his hand .  Now the dress  is

really ruined.

 

 

Tracy:Oh you idiot ,  look what you've made me do now .  And I think  I've

      broken my best nail .

 

 

Tracy  throws  the tea towel in Henry's face ,  he grabs it and  tries  to

throw it back only it sticks to his hand . Tracy storms off , while Henry  

dismounts from the kitchen sink with great effort and much strain to  the

sink  .  Henry looks around at his handwork and is admiring it when  Tracy

reappears .

 

 

Henry:Sorry my Twinky Pinky , but you do like the kitchen ?

Tracy:It's great , really great .

 

 

Henry moves closer and steals a kiss , Tracy allows him the one kiss .

 

 

Tracy:I've  got to go out now - to buy a new dress ,  can you let me  have

      some money ?

 

 

Tracy gives him her most seductive look , Henry is smitten .

 

 

Henry:My wallet is on  the settee in the living room .

Tracy:Thanks love .

 

 

She  gives  him  a lingering kiss before leaving the  kitchen  ,  after  a

moment she returns .

 

 

Tracy:Just one more thing love , could you start on the living room next ,

       p l e a s e .

 

 

She gives him another kiss , Henry would climb mount Everest now with just

a washing line as a rope such is her persuasive powers .  Tracy pulls away  

from  him  ,  while Henry is still catching his breath the front  door  is

heard being slammed shut . A tile floats down onto Henry's head (FADEOUT)

 

 

Henry  is  in  the newly decorated living room  when Tracy  comes  in  she

starts to inspect his work .

 

 

Tracy:Not bad , not bad at all . But now it makes the furniture look bad .

Henry:How do you mean ?

Tracy:Well the room looks good ,  very good even but the furniture doesn't

      match . It's like Stepoe's now , the furniture .

 

 

Tracy looks around the room from furniture to walls and ceiling ,then back

again .

 

 

Henry:It's not that bad ,  besides how do you remember Steptoe ,  have you

      been lying about your age my Twinky Pinky  .

Tracy:I don't need to lie , I'm twenty-four .

Henry:But the furniture is ok .

 

 

Henry moves towards Tracy .  and gives her his best "five year old" look ,

hoping she won't make him buy new furniture .

 

 

Tracy:I'm sorry but we must have new furniture , after all you do want the

      best for your family .

Henry:Family ! You're not , we're not ?

 

 

Henry looks anxious and pleased .

 

 

Tracy:Certainly not .  WE won't have a child till I am ready to hang up my

      dancing shoes . I've got another audition soon .

 

 

Henry is visibly upset

 

 

Henry:Oh ,  but about the furniture can it wait a while ,  I mean money is

      tight .

Tracy:You said you were loaded when I met you .

Henry:Well I was ,  I won the holiday and spending money on the back of  a

      slimming magazine .  I was in the dentist's at the time and it  must

      have been the first time ever the magazines weren't ten years old .

Tracy:Be that as it may , WE must have new furniture .

Henry:But where do I get the money from , do you want me to rob a bank ?

 

 

Tracy  is stumpted for a while ,  she looks around the room   ,  then  she

cuddles up to him , getting close for the kill . Henry is pleased that she

is close to him .  Tracy allows him to kiss her , she looks at the room as

they embrace then she pulls away suddenly . Her plan is formed .

 

 

Tracy:I've got it !

Henry:Got what !  (SLIGHTLY ALARMED)

Tracy:You are really quite a good decorator .

Henry:Oh thanks . (COYLY LIKE OLIVER HARDY)

Tracy:You can go out and decorate in the evenings when you come home . You

      can start on the neighbours then move further afield .

Henry:But I'm not good enough .

Tracy:You'll learn by your mistakes .

Henry:But I'm tired when I come in .

Tracy:So  am I after my dance practices and my jogging and my  squash  and

      all the reading I do .

Henry:But the furnitures ok there's no need for it , you could make covers

      if you really don't like the furniture any more .

Tracy:You are forgetting one thing , I DON'T sew , if you love me you'd do

      it .

 

 

 

Tracy puts on her best sad face , Henry gives in .

 

 

Henry:All right then but don't complain if I'm to tired to talk .

Tracy:You're not much of a talker anyway , You don't even read , I've read

      over 100 Barbara Cartland books . You do promise though ?

 

 

Tracy looks him in the eye , giving her little girl lost look .

 

 

Henry:I promise .

 

 

Tracy  kisses  him  and  allows him to  enjoy  himself  ,  he  is  getting

overheated when she pulls away .

 

 

 

Tracy:That can wait till later , you can take me out first .

Henry:Do we have to go out first ? (ALMOST PLEADINGLY)

Tracy:Yes , and I want to be surprised too .

Henry:Alright then .

 

 

Henry grabs her by the arm and they leave the living room . (FADEOUT)

 

 

 

We  are  in the living room when there is a sound of a car  pulling  up  ,

doors  banging  and  raised voices .  Tracy storms into  the  living  room

putting  the lights on .  She throws herself into an armchair and sulks  .

Henry enters the room .

 

 

Henry:So you didn't like the Bingo ?

 

 

Silence  . Henry looks at his shoes and plays with the car keys .

 

 

Henry:I thought you'd like it , we could have won some money for the house  

      to buy new furniture with .  Or to save for some rainy day  or  for

      when we have a family .  If only you'd have waited the National Game

      was on in a couple of minutes .

 

 

 

Tracy screams and reaches down beside the armchair and picks up a book and

throws it at him . It hits him a low blow , he snatches at the book and in

his anger is about to throw it back but thinks better of it and puts it in

his coat pocket . WE DO NOT SEE THE TITLE

 

 

 

Henry:Oh please Tracy , talk to me , I am sorry I just didn't think .

Tracy:That's your trouble you don't think .

Henry:I'll start the decorating . (HOPING FOR A GOOD REACTION )

 

 

Henry moves closer to where she is sitting .  Tracy is silent for a moment

for a while . Then still with her back from him she speaks .

 

 

Tracy:Promise .

Henry:I promise .

Tracy:Good  ,  because  while I was pretending to be at the  loo  at  that

      horrid bingo place ,  I rang Mrs Toomey to say you'd start  on  her

      living room tomorrow evening .

Henry:You sly bitch .

Tracy:If  you're going to swear at me then I'M off to bed and if you  ever

      swear at me again then I'll go back to mother .

 

 

 

Tracy storms off past Henry , he is left standing in the living room alone

,patting his sides in despair he feels a lump  , he remembers the book ,

taking  it out he looks at it ,  it makes him smile so he puts it back  in

his pocket . (WE DO NOT SEE THE TITLE , PERHAPS THE COVER IS DOGEARED)

Suddenly there is ,a call from upstairs .

 

 

Tracy's Voice:Well I thought  you were going to surprise me !

 

 

A smiling Henry races out of the living room , the camera stays there  but

we hear Henry .

 

 

Henry's Voice:Come to me my "Twinky Pinky"

 

 

Then we hear giggling form Tracy . (FADEOUT)

 

 

A  paint smattered Henry comes into the kitchen ,  a fistfull of money  in

his hand .

 

 

Henry:Mrs Toomey paid me , look .

 

 

Tracy looks up from the remains of her meal ,  her eyes widen at the sight

of the money .

 

 

Tracy:Great I saw a nice three piece in that new furniture shop in town .

 

 

She grabs the money and counts it .

 

 

Tracy:Not bad for three evenings work .

Henry:Hard work .

Tracy:Yes  of  course dear "hard work".(SHE IS STILL LOOKING AT THE MONEY)

Henry:Don't I get a kiss .

Tracy:Of course dear .

 

 

Tracy pouts but holds her body away , she doesn't want paint all over her.

 

 

Tracy:Well this will be the deposit ,  the other œ900 you can pay off over

      a year . It's interest free credit so I know you'll approve .

 

 

Henry opens his mouth to say  something but decides better of it .

 

 

Henry:Any food my Pinky Winky , I'm famished after all the decorating .

Tracy:Oh  sorry  I thought you'd go down the chippy ,  I  could  cook  you

      something only I'm due at the squash club .  Besides you  could  do

      with losing a bit of weight .

Henry:Do you have go to the squash club couldn't we just have a nice night

      in ? We could cuddle up in front of the fire .

Tracy:We can do that as soon as the new furniture is here . Thanks for the

      money though ; by the way can you start on Mrs Johnson's tomorrow .

 

 

Tracy gives him another peck and is off ,  before he can complain .  Henry

heads for the fridge which is almost empty , he finds three fish fingers .

 

 

Henry:Looks like fish fingers AGAIN . (FADEOUT)

 

 

 

In the living room the new furniture has arrived .  Tracy looks happy  she

is watching Dallas ,  Henry tries to speak but is hushed till the  credits

role .

 

 

Tracy:Yes dear , what were you going to say ? (OFF HANDEDLY)

Henry:Well  , as we have got the new furniture and I'm making a bit  with

      the decorating do you think we should think about children ?

Tracy:I don't know about that , I mean I cann't work while I'm fat .

Henry:But you hardly work as it is , you just practice .

Tracy:I worked in Las Vegas didn't I , who knows what might happen .

Henry:But  you  only stood in for a few weeks when your  friend  was  sick

      while you were out there visiting .

Tracy:You know how to offend me don't you , and after all I done for you .

Henry:I'm sorry .

 

 

There is a painful silence , then Henry puts his arm around her .

 

 

Henry:Didn't you say we'd have a cuddle in front of the fire once the  new

      furniture was here ?

Tracy:Did I ?

 

 

Henry nibbles her ear ,  after a while Tracy responds . As they embrace we

hear Tracy say .

 

 

 

Tracy:Don't leave any marks I've an audition tomorrow . (FADEOUT)

 

 

We see Tracy in the kitchen with the ironing board out  , she is ironing a

leotard - badly . Henry comes in covered paint .

 

 

 

Henry:I've never seen you iron before .

Tracy:I don't normally , Mrs Toomey does it I pay her a fiver a week to do

      ours . Only she's out . (PANICY)

Henry:I didn't know that .

Tracy:You don't know everything . (RATTY)

Henry:You having trouble ?

Tracy:Yes , I've got a stand in job at the last moment only I need to iron

      this .

Henry:Can I help you . I've done my own for years - I'm quite good .

Tracy:You ! (SURPRISED)

Henry:Move over and watch an expert .

Tracy:Wait ! You are covered in paint .

 

 

Tracy grabs a pinny and sticks it around him  then makes him put on rubber

gloves too .

 

 

Tracy:Ok . Do your best , its really important to me .

 

 

Henry  irons  like a true natural .  Tracy is amazed and jumps up  like  a

school girl to kiss him .

 

 

Tracy:You've saved my life .

Henry:I should iron all the time if I get such praise .

 

 

Henry hugs her again ,  Tracy is so relieved that she allows this . Then

looking at the kitchen clock over Henry's shoulder she pulls away .

 

 

Tracy:I must dash . See you .

Henry:I'll wait up for you .

 

 

Tracy leaves the kitchen clutching the ironed garment . After a moment she

returns .

 

 

Tracy:I've just thought ,  if you are so good at ironing its silly to  pay

      somebody ,  I mean it'll save œ250 a year .  Oh don't bother waiting

      up I'll be too tired .

 

 

 

With  that she leaves the kitchen leaving Henry in his rubber  gloves  and

pinny staring at the ironing board . (FADEOUT)

 

 

Henry comes running into the house and into the living room where Tracy is

reading a Jackie Collins .  He is fit to burst with his news .  Tracy just

hushes him and carries on reading , hissing at him .

 

 

Tracy:Wait a bit I've nearly finished this . You don't know what it's like

      finish a really good book . (SARCASTICALLY)

Henry:Actually I am reading a book , the one you threw at me . (MUMBLES)

Tracy:Oh do shut up I'm trying to concentrate .

 

 

After a while she has finished the book and she switches the tv on  .

 

 

Henry:As  I  was  about  to  say - I've won some  money  on  the  bingo  .

 

 

Tracy appears a little interested .

 

 

Henry:œ200 to be exact .

Tracy:Well at least we can use it to buy a new bed .  Ours has one cracked

      leg already .

 

 

Tracy holds out her hand for the money ,  so Henry goes over and places it

in  her hand .  She gives him a peck ,  Henry wants more but he is  pushed

away .

 

 

Tracy:Cann't you wait till later there's a film on  I want to watch now .

Henry:I suppose I'll have to .

Tracy:You won't like this film its a Fred Astaire one .

Henry:I may as well do the ironing then .

Tracy:Yes do that and don't burn my knickers like you did last week .

Henry:I'll try not to .

 

 

Tracy watches the tv as Henry heads off for the ironing . (Fadeout)

 

 

The  next day Henry is sitting in his car a sandwich box on the  passenger

seat and a book open over the wheel .

 

 

Henry:She never shows her feelings , I think I'm a skivy sometimes .

 

 

He reaches into his lunch box and takes out a sandwich under the  sandwich

is a note , so he opens it .

 

 

Henry:"You  burnt  my knickers again ,  so buy me some more" (READ ALOUD)

       What  does she except with those ones ,  she does  insist  I  iron

       everything , even her most delicate stuff .

 

 

He is about to put the note down when he sees the P.S.

 

 

Henry:"P.S.  You can choose the colour as I only wear them for you -  love

       Twinky Pinky"

 

 

Henry smiles and puts the note in his shirt pocket next to his heart .

 

 

Henry:There are some compensations for being married to her ,  even though

      I am always tired - what with all the decorating and the ironing  .

      It would be nice to have a family though but she says she not  ready

      yet  she just wants to try being a dancer for a few more years yet .

    

 

He  finishes  his  sandwich then with a sigh pulls  out  and  drives  away

(FADEOUT)

 

 

Henry  is is the living room doing the ironing while watching the  snooker

when Tracy bursts in wearing sports gear.

 

 

Tracy:You've got to help me Henry , you've just got to .

Henry:What's up ?

Tracy:I was at the squash club when I had a game with this man ,  only  he

      turned out to be the owner ,  only I didn't know . Well I beat him ,

      then he told me if I could beat him again he'd give me a job .

Henry:But what about your dancing ?

Tracy:I'm getting to old now ,  I mean I'm 25 next month . Besides we need

      the  money if we're going to have a new roof put on the  house  and

      have it rendered .

Henry:What new roof ? I didn't know we were having a new roof .

Tracy:Well we have got to have one and new wiring .  Especially if we have

      a family .

Henry:You mean , you , I mean us , I mean you  , I mean a baby . (EXCITED)

Tracy:Certainly not , I'm not ready for wrinkles yet !

Henry:Oh . But how can I help ?

 

 

Tracy looks at her watch then starts to undress , while walking out of the

living room and into the hall with Henry following .

 

 

Tracy:We haven't much time , we will have to hurry .

 

 

She is trailing her clothes behind her .

 

 

Henry:But but but what has  this  ,  us ,  well Twinky Pinky how will this

      get you a job ?

Tracy:By you washing and ironing  while I have a bath .

 

 

With  that  we  see  her knickers thrown in Henry's  face  as  she  dashes

upstairs to the bathroom .  Henry picks up the other items of sports  wear

and heads back for the kitchen and his washing machine .  He is stopped in

his tracks by a scream .

 

 

 

Tracy' Voice:Help there's a spider ! (SCREAM)

Henry:Pick it up and flush it twice and don't forget the Domestos .

Tracy's Voice:Help , Help , Help  oh please my Tumble Tum .

 

 

Henry's ears prick up on hearing "Tumble Tum"

 

 

Henry:Just a moment Twinky Pinky I'll get the new improved domestos .

 

 

We view Henry dash from the hall then return with a giant Domestos and the

washing up mop ,then dash up the stairs .There are sounds of battle  with

the  spider  then we hear the voices again ,  all heard while  the  camera

views the hall .

 

 

Tracy's voice:Tumble Tum , my hero .

Henry's voice:Twinky Pinky .

Tracy's voice:Tumble Tum you are so brave .

 

 

There  is  silence for a moment ,  then an enormous splash  ,  some  water

trickles down the stairs . Then there are giggles . Then silence .

 

 

 

Tracy's voice :This would be much more fun if we had a jacoozi . (FADEOUT)

 

 

Henry  comes rushing in all excited ,  he finds Tracy as ever in front  of

the tv watching Dallas , with a Jackie Collins open besides her .

 

 

 

Henry:I've won again , look I've won .

 

 

He holds out a wad of notes , he is smiling from ear to ear .

 

 

Tracy:Hold on a minute ,  JR is about to win at Blackjack , there he's won

      $50,000 .(SHE POINTS TO THE TV) Now how much did you win ?

Henry:œ500 , look ! (HE WAVES THE MONEY ABOUT ) .

Tracy:Very good dear ,  you better give it to me ,  its just enough for  a

      microwave I saw the other day ,  I'm not saying your cooking is  bad

      but a microwave will help it I'm sure.

 

 

Henry  hands over the money ,  Tracy puts it in her book and closes  it  ,

then she resumes her religious observances (ie.Watching Dallas) .  After a

while Dallas ends .

 

 

Tracy:Well I better be off to bed then ,  there's nothing any good on  the  

      box  nowadays and I've read enough for today .  (SHE  GETS  UP  AND

      SWITCHES OFF THE TV) Goodnight Henry  ,  and try not to wake me  up

      when you go to bed .

Henry:All right then , I suppose I may as well do some ironing then .

 

 

Tracy goes to bed ,  Henry goes and does some ironing .  We time lapse to

show  that he has done a load of ironing (Mainly Tracy's) He has the  book

that Tracy threw at him on the ironing board he reads as he irons. There's

a cry of "Henry , oh Henry I'm bored "  from Tracy upstairs .

Henry goes to the foot of the stairs and shouts

 

 

Henry:I thought you were going to sleep .

Tracy's Voice:But I'm not tired enough .

Henry:Try reading a book .

Tracy Voice:Oh Henry . (PLEADINGLY)

 

 

Henry  looks to heaven in despair and turns back to go to the  kitchen  to

resume his ironing , but a call stops him in his tracts .

 

 

Tracy's Voice:Oh Tumble Tum , Twinky Pinky needs you .

Henry:England expects that every man shall due his duty . (MUMBLES)

 

 

Henry races up the stairs .

 

 

Henry:Tumble Tum to the rescue .

 

 

We next see Henry and Tracy in bed after Tumble Tum has done his duty .

Henry is smiling but in a state of shock ,  Tracy has her back to him  and

is reaching for a book to read .

 

 

Tracy:Perhaps I'll finish this book before I go to sleep .

 

 

Tracy  starts to read ,Henry is still in a state of shock , after  reading

for  a  while  and  turning over to the next page  Tracy  looks  over  her

shoulder at Henry .

 

 

Tracy:Haven't you got something better to do ? Such as the ironing .

Henry:What dear ? (STILL IN SHOCK , THOUGH IT IS HAPPY SHOCK)

Tracy:Aren't you going to finish the ironing ?

Henry:What dear .

Tracy:The ironing . (SHE TURNS OVER TO FACE HIM)

Henry:Oh the ironing . (HE SAYS THE WORDS BUT DOES NOT UNDERSTAND THEM)

Tracy:Go and finish the ironing !

 

 

With that she kicks him out of bed and as he staggers away she resumes her

reading .  We hear Henry croak "I'll just finish the ironing" ,  then from

the view of Tracy still reading we hear a crash as he falls down  stairs .

 

 

Henry's Voice:It's ok I'm fine . (FAINT AND IN PAIN)

Tracy:Sush , I'm at the climax now .

 

 

With a flourish Tracy closes the book and switches off the bedside lamp ,

in the background we hear Henry moaning (Fadeout)

 

 

Henry is in his car with the book across the wheel and his sandwich box on

the passenger seat .

 

 

Henry:I won on the bingo again and what does she do ,  she takes the money

      and buys a microwave . (HE IS UPSET)

 

 

He has another sandwich before continuing with his "Self Lecturing" .

 

 

Henry:I think she takes me for granted , after all I do for her , well I'm

      not going to stand for it any longer ,  I'm going to tell her  that

      I'm the man about the house and its about time she played the  woman

      and did some housework and had some kids .  I'll be drawing my  old

      age pension before she decides she's ready for kids .  Well  things

      have to change and change now .

 

 

He  closes  his lunch box defiantly .  Then pulls out sharply  ,  all  the

"sold" signs rattle in the back . In voice over we hear him say .

 

 

Henry's Voice:Yes things will change ,but first I'll post my pools coupon  

              I'll have to stop off at the lingerie shop too - I burnt her

              knickers again .   (FADEOUT)

 

 

Henry comes running into the house  all happy, Tracy is waiting for him in

the kitchen .

 

 

Tracy:What do you think you are playing at ? Look at this mess in here .

 

 

Henry has not done the washing up , the ironing is not done either  .

 

 

Henry:But , but I can explain I have some great news . I've won some money

Tracy:That's no excuse .  I've off to the squash club now and if this mess

      is not cleared up then they'll be trouble .

Henry:But I've won some money .

Tracy:Good , hand it over then .

 

 

She holds out her hand .

 

 

Henry:I haven't got it yet ,  but its a lot .  I'll know how much in a few

      days , we can start a family now .

Tracy:Don't be disgusting , I'm not getting all wrinkled up at my age .

Henry:But  Twinky Pinky . (PLEADINGLY)

Tracy:Don't you Twinky Winky me , just tidy up this mess . And if you've

      won so much money then we'll carpet the spare rooms ,  its the  last

      day of the carpet sale tomorrow .  So you can pull up the old carpet

      tonight then we'll get the new one fitted tomorrow .

 

 

She walks away in triumph  , Henry is left open-mouthed . Tracy suddenly

turns back  .

 

 

Tracy:One other thing , try not to burn my knickers with the iron .

Henry:I'll do my best .(DEFEATED)       (FADEOUT)

 

 

 

Tracy comes back to the house late , she goes into the kitchen for a glass

of milk only to find all her knickers burnt , a iron shape on each .

She is livid .

 

       

Tracy:Henry , where are you horribly little fat slob ? (ENRAGED)

 

 

She  searches for him but does not find him ,  in a state she does to  the

bathroom and slams the door .  We hear her inside pouring the water for  a

bath then getting in .

 

 

Tracy's Voice:I'll ring his neck the idle good for nothing , he'll give me

              blood pressure he will , and after all I've done for him .                                         

 

 

 

Downstairs the front door slams open and Henry , a very pissed Henry comes

in carrying a shoebox .

 

 

Tracy's Voice:Is that you Henry , is that you ?

Henry:Yes Twinky Pinky ,  your lover , your husband , your Twinky Pinky is

      home , I bring great gifts for you , I'm rich , I'm so very rich .

Tracy's Voice:You sound so different , so manly , (PAUSE) are you drunk ?                                       

Henry:Yes drunk with your beauty , with your charms , with your love .

Tracy's Voice:If you're drunk then you can sleep on the settee .

 

 

Henry climbs the stairs  cradling the shoebox and busts into the bathroom

Tracy screams .

 

 

Henry:Behold I bring you a present .

Tracy:I've  got  seventeen pairs of shoes already .  You don't  think  I'm

      going to forgive you for burning my knickers just for a bribe of  a

      pair of shoes . And I bet you haven't pulled the carpet up .

Henry:But these shoes are special .

 

 

With that he lunges forward and nearly falls in the bath as he opens the

shoebox . Out pour lots of spiders .

 

 

Tracy:NO , NO , PLEASE NO .  

Henry:Don't  you like your present Twinky Winky ,  Tumble Tum spent  hours

      looking for them .

 

 

Tracy  has a screaming fit ,  then grabbing a towel she jumps out  of  the

bath  and heads for the bedroom ,  In getting out of the bath  she  knocks

Henry in .  So a drenched Henry follows her along the corridor and hammers

on the bedroom door .

 

 

Henry:It's me ,  Tumble Tum Your Lord and Master .  Haven't you got a kiss

      for me , my little Twinky Winky .

Tracy's Voice:Go away you horrid man ,  you burnt all my knickers then you

              frighten me to death with those spiders .

Henry:But  I'll  make amends ,  come I'll pull up the carpet  ,  come  and

      watch .  

Tracy's Voice:Go away you horrid  little fat man , go away .

 

 

Henry  is enraged he knocks the door off its hinges and drags her  out  of

bed . He takes her to the spare room .

 

 

Henry:Look I'll pull up the carpet .

 

 

Henry pulls up the carpet ,  he stands heaving and sweating and  glaring

looking at Tracy .

 

 

Henry:Satisfied ? (SHOUTED)

Tracy:You are a silly little fat man ,  I don't want to see you ever again

 

 

She turns her back on him and adds over her shoulder .

 

 

Tracy:Your treatment of me tonight is possible grounds for divorce .

Henry:Divorce but I'm your husband .

 

 

Tracy turns to face him .

 

 

Tracy:You are a monster .

Henry:Monster am I , then I'll behave like one .

 

 

With that he lunges at her and throws her to the ground . Tracy cowers not

knowing  what he'll do next .  There is an pause for a moment  then  Henry

rushs for her or so it seems .  IN fact what Henry does in roll her up  in

the carpet then carry her downstairs while she is screaming all the time .

Henry then takes her and the carpet out of the house and throws his burden

into a skip that is over the road . Then he goes back inside the house .

 

(FADEOUT)

 

 

We  next  see Henry Watching the TV with the remains of a good meal  on  a

tray besides him .  Henry now sports a moustache ,  there is a book beside

him  ,  he's been reading the same book for ages .  Tracy comes  into  the

living room ,  she is all fawning ,  she clears up his tray .  Then like a

flunky she waits to be allowed to speak .

 

 

Henry:Just a moment , I've nearly finished this book .

 

 

He closes the book , finished he is very proud of himself .

 

 

Henry:What was it Tracy ?

Tracy:Well I've got little Henry back to sleep and I've fed the twins , so

      I was wondering ,  well you know . (SHE PAUSES) . Twinky Winky wants

      her Tumble Tum . (COYLY)

Henry:You have ironed my boxer shorts ?

Tracy:Twinky Winkly has done everything O mighty Tumble Tum .

 

 

Henry looks at his watch , before he answers .

 

 

Henry:Match of the Day is not on for a bit  so Tumble Tum is the man that

      likes to say YES !

Tracy:Oh Tumble Tum !

Henry:Oh Twinky Winky !

 

 

We  pan back from the settee and just see garments being disgarded  ,  and

Henry throws his book away .

 

 

Henry:And you said I'd never read a book .

Tracy:And I said I didn't want children .

Henry:I think we should try for 15 then we can have our own rugby team .

Tracy:I'm not having more than 6 .

Henry:Let's try for 15 but only have 6 .

Tracy:You are naughty .

Henry:Naughty but nice .

 

 

To the sounds of giggles we pan back ,  we now see the one book Henry  has

managed to read .  It is "Battered Husband" by Michael James .  We pan out

further  till we see the outside of the house , there are 3  Rolls outside

the registrations are "Tracy" , "Henry" and "Battered Husband" .

To sounds of Tracy and Henry the credits roll .

 

 

WE  COULD DO WHAT JERRY LEWIS DID IN ONE FILM AND PAN OUT EVEN FURTHER  TO

SHOW THE CREW BUT PERHAPS THAT WOULD TAKE THE JOKE TOO FAR .

 

 

 

 

            

                         The End

 

 

 we all need to laugh, so here's an old  piece of mine, there may be typos, but if all yo do is complain about the typos, then kindly leae my page permanently. michaelgcasey

 

me in 1990 maybe in Lourdes



and me in 2022 a few days ago


and me maybe 12 years ago


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