Stocking Up for Students

Stocking Up for Students ©

By 

Michael Casey

Well it’s exam time in our house and millions all over the world, the stress levels amongst our children, and even when they are 50 they are still our children. The stress levels are so very high, fatally high in some cases. So what can we do, us parents that is. Not that you’ll get any thanks, kids that age forget to say thank you. They can build a nuclear bomb, or recite Pi, though baking a pie might be of more use. They can do many things in their study or back bedroom or perched somewhere, but saying thank you, or clearing away dishes, that’s impossible, nuclear physics is easier for them.

So what can you and me do? Well we stock up for students. First thing you need is plenty of chocolate in the cupboard, and as it is exam time it had  better be Cadburys, rest of the year any chocolate will do, but at exam time, it has to be the best. Even if your pension is small or non-existent you have to go the extra mile for your student. You do want them to visit you in the Old People’s Home after all.

Then you have to buy face wash too, bargain basement facewash will do, having eaten so much chocolate over the 2 months exam period the chance of spots can be high. So you have to be ready. Like a Boy Scout you are Prepared. Chocolate and face wash. For variety you have to add crisps, and you go the extra mile and buy Walkers crisps, despite that annoying footballer whatever his name is advertising them, who is he anyway?

So your cupboard is loaded with crisps and chocolate, with face wash at the ready in the shower. And for the duration of the exam period you won’t mention your power bill caused by 20 minute showers, sometimes twice a day. So you make sacrifices for your student, you reduce your shower time from 5 minutes, and you are 3 times her size. You have a quick 2 minute shower and use that new super soft towel to dry yourself with. Only it’s not a microfiber towel it’s Totoro the cat, who enjoys every minute of it. When you realise you need a 20 minute shower yourself, but you have to save money for the power bill. So you run around the garden in a thunder storm, hoping nobody will see you. But of course all the neighbours do, some even load it up to Snapchat and Utube. However as well as all the little old ladies having a thrill as a Shrek size naked hairy man runs around the garden with a bar of soap, you are spotted by your future lover.  As you fart in unison with the thunder, as they say it’s an ill wind that blows no good.

 Your student is back attacking the books, or though in today’s world, it’s an online text book. So you have to restrict your broadband use as the bandwidth is not good enough for her to study and confer with her best mate and for you to watch a film at the same time. You never thought 12meg would not be enough, with the cheapest broadband, but buying chocolate and the power bill all takes money. So you have to wait while she takes a break to watch your film in 20 minute chunks spread over the evening. You hope she buys you a 1000meg package when you are in that old people’s home, that’s if you live that long.

The student is hungry so you make her scrambled eggs with beans in, she will fart all night as she studies Bio Chemistry, but it’s all about reactions after all. You did buy the nicest bread too, the one she loves that you only buy on rare occasions as it costs too much and the budget does not stretch to it. But you are  a dad and dads go the extra mile, it’s a good job you don’t smoke or drink, or you  would be feeding her frozen food.

She studies into the night and you wish she wasn’t a night owl, the electric bill, the electric bill. You struggle to sleep because of your Tinnitus, finally at 2.30 am your student goes to bed, you are still awake with your Tinnitus. It’s hard being a dad. Nobody knows the sacrifices you make. 

Well, somebody does. After your streak and wash in the Thunder somebody has their eye on you. It’s a woman with a telescope. Her name is Louise, and she’s been observing you, as you sleep with your curtains open, because you are afraid of the dark she has seen you in all your glory.  Korean tastes are very different and she used to be a K Pop singer, before she did Astro physics, she had turned her telescope from the Heavens to your celestial body in your bedroom. But that’s another story…