I want to Sleep with You

I want to Sleep with You  ©

By Michael Casey

Before you all get the wrong idea, what I mean is that I just read a piece in the newspaper about Hästens Vividus which is the most expensive bed in the world. One of my dreams is that when we finally move house I'd like a new plush bed, though the one I've just read about costs as much as my house, so I really do need to win the lottery or for all of you to buy all of my books on Amazon.Your purchase will send me to sleep, unlike my writing which should make you laugh.

Beds are nice comfy things, where you sleep and make love, and scream in my case scream in pain these past few years due to my Arthritis. But there is nothing nicer than a nice warm bed, and a nice warm lover besides you. Or if you are too young for that a teddy bear or your dog or cat sleeping on the duvet at your feet.

When we were kids we used to pull back the curtains of our bedroom and bounce up and down on the mattress doing a show for our neighbours at the bottom of the garden. Once we spoke to our neigbours over the garden fence, they asked who the stupid people were, so we denied all knowledge 3 times, just then  our other neighbours’ cock crowed.

Beds take a lot of knocks, so the leg broke, not the same bed we were dancing on, but another one, we were a large family after all. So what do you do with a broken bed, we could not replace it just for that reason. So a baked bean tin was used in place of the broken bed leg, though when we wanted beans on toast the bed lost its substitute leg. So we then used a 100 year old iron,the old fashioned one that you heated up to iron your clothes with, one of those ones. And it was a perfect replacement leg, luckily we had an electric iron to keep our clothes pressed with.

Headboards are an add-on and the bed shop charges for one of those, if your headboard breaks then you have to suffer, or just put an extra pillow on  your bed, and hope it does not slide off the wall behind your bed. In hotels you have really big and majestic headboards, these can cost 100s of pounds, and if ever I really do get my fancy bed a headboard can cost 50% of the cost of the fancy mattress. The headboard also acts as noise insulation for snoring and other noises that come from beds. Though I’m hoping some fancy bed company sends me a fancy bed in the future, I could be a bed tester.I tend to wake up every 2 hours like Dracula rising from his grave, I am like clockwork in that regard.

I have of course broken a couple of beds, because because because, I am just so heavy. 110 kilos or 245pounds if you are American or 17.5stones in English. I weigh more that a heavyweight boxer, and I am 5feet 10inches or 178cm in French.I look much much lighter as its all compact tight fat, not wobbly fat, that’s why I am a George Clooney look alike.

So a bed just has to be strong. I did have one that lasted 25 years, but its replacement a metal one just wilted under the weight.Imagine a giraffe that’s fallen over after having too much grass,the green grass in fields, giraffe’s don’t do drugs, they always say NO. So my metal bed legs just gave way. We put the old bed frame in the street and a passing Polish guy picked it up and hammered it back into shape. He was only half my weight.

So my next bed was a nice wooden one that you assemble, only it had a tiny crack in it. That bed was really nice and pretty to look at, it coped with my mass really well. That is until one night there was a loud big BANG, in my bed. It woke me up,the crack over the 2 years I had it just got bigger until it snapped and one side of the bed gave way. So in the morning I took the bed downstairs and used it to form a garden fence, it still looks pretty at the bottom of my garden, like a fancy stile.

So finally I tried Argos and they had a 700pound bed frame, luckily it was reduced to 150quid. It weighs a ton and would not fit up my stairs until I removed all the packaging.I could barely lift the sections together but somehow I managed to put the jigsaw together. This is the bed I am still sleeping in, it looks quite posh too. It will stay in the house if ever we finally move as I do not have the strength now to take it apart.

I have bought a new mattress to go with it, and my advice is not to skimp on the mattress, the mattress should cost at least twice as much as the bed frame. So a cheap 100 quid bed should have a 200quid mattress on it. Don’t forget duck pillows and Egyptian cotton sheets. See you all want to sleep with me now, or rather not with me but in my bed. If I roll over I’d kill you as I’m so heavy, I am in fact 3 times heavier than my wife.

A good bed and mattress such as the Hypnos brand is a thing of beauty that’ll last for years and bring you much pleasure whatever you are doing in it,even if its just sleeping, so don’t buy a second hand BMW, but a great bed instead, and get a bus pass. Then you’ll have a greater appreciation of life and loving, without adding to pollution, though you may add to population.  

from 2016