Last Minute Writing

Last Minute Writing©

By

Michael Casey

I was wondering what to talk about tonight, I could bore you about my pains, which have subsided so while I wait for my bath water to heat up I’ll try and entertain you, but then I’ll have a soak of my arthritic bits and pieces.

You may all think that my writing is all last minute, judging by the quality, but then I’d cry, and you don’t want to make Santa cry so close to Christmas, you do want you presents after all, don’t you? So I was thinking how do ideas come about? Or rather last minute ideas. You may know I love Don Camillo, no Boris, Lech and Lav I do not have a Italian gangster boyfriend, North Korean ex army girl would be more up my street. But I digress. Don Camillo is a comedy figure from the 1950s, you can find videos on Utube, if you click on my Blogger id there is a link inside to a full Don Camillo film in English. Even though the listing has changed these past few days for some unexplained Google reason.

Don Camillo himself was invented by Giovannino Guareschi when at the last minute he had to fill space in a paper, so Don Camillo was born. I was in fact reading an omnibus edition of the stories in the days prior to my quadruple heart bypass. The Italian heart surgeon Prof Pagano who had a look at me was impressed by my reading tastes. My point though is that a last minute filler became an International hit. Yes written before I was even born, my History teacher said give it a try 40 years ago and I did. I’ve reread the stories several times. You may have never have heard of Don Camillo but its worth a look, especially if you like comic communists fighting catholic priests. The priest and the communists are like brothers really as they fought as Partisans together in WWII. I’m sure my Polish readers will love it.

Now what about me, well as you know I usually write a piece in an hour, that’s my skill, ok Boris, Lav and Lech any more rude noises and I’ll write a sentence where your car breaks down and you are stranded for a month in 3 metres of snow. And you only survive by eating, well I’ll leave it to your imagination, I could say you cut Boris’s fat arse off and eat it. But that would be disgusting and inedible. Besides that’s what the rugby players did in that Andes plane crash, I read the book maybe 30 years ago.

So what do I do as a last minute filler, as a piece of writing to keep you all amused and to keep my brain active. Well each piece is unplanned, its spontaneous, I prefer it that way. It’s more fun for me, Boris, Lech and Lav if you dare say what I know you are thinking then I’ll make you have an accident. I’ll give you 20 litres of Pilsner and lock the toilets. Ok, sorry, I know 60 litres then I’ll lock the toilets, see if you like peeing in your pants like children. You’d pee through the keyhole, it’d be fun, especially after 20 litres of Pilsner each. It’s a waste of time talking to you three, Tom, Dick and Harry were never this trouble.

So I pick a theme and away I go. Remember having Total Recall, ok, being such a boring old fart, I can go on and on, don’t even think about it you three are disgusting. Ok, I’ve unlocked the toilets, go and have a pee, instead of taking the pee all the time. Now that I’ve got rid of those cousins I’ll continue. What do you expect when Polish, Ukrainian and Russian cousins get together? 100 litres of Pilsner. Ok can you be quiet too.

So I write a piece in an hour as I wouldn’t have the energy to do more than and hour. And a book is a year of your life, though as I’ve said before if somebody, anybody gave me a tape recorder or a legal secretary then I could write another full length novel in maybe 3 months. So where do the ideas come from? Lust? No I don’t write that kind of stuff, I just place a few ideas in your head then I let you take them home to bed. I’m just here all alone watching the news on tv, while Boris, Lech and Lav improvise from what they have read, from what I’ve hinted.

From the News? Yes if something is in the news it will spark and idea, or a parody of something. Trump goes on forever giving us all ideas, as for Brexit over here, it’s very boring, as it goes on forever. And I speak as a news junkie. A news item might remind me of something from last week or last year, or 50 years ago. 55years ago I was left all alone in the house in front of a roaring coal fire while my dad collected our new sister, number 6 in the family from Dudley Road hospital. So I remember that and my mother returning and sitting downing the chair holding my new little sister. I remember dad in his sports jacket too.

It’s really simple really, I think of one word, add the water of memory and nurture it with adjectives and simple punctuation and then hey presto I have another story for you. This one is Number 1450 if you include the repeats, 1,215,732 words plus this story. I may have 100,000 words collated into 15 Down ready to turn into my 15^th book just after Christmas. If only you’d start buying them, but Boris, Lech and Lav are too busy drinking Pilsner, though to be honest, which is more fun?

Ok I have to wash and soak my sore bits now, my daughter just shouted out from behind me she is now ranked 18^th out of 700 for Maths. So I have to buy her more chocolate. And that is the last minute writing for tonight, with a bit of maths thrown in by my daughter.