Friday, 19 May 2017
Tuck Shop Takeover
Tuck Shop Takeover ©
By
Michael Casey
Doreen
Hunt had won the Election, she was the new girl at the United School
Tuck Shop. A private school for the well top do, ok, for those who had
lied and cheated on their taxes and could afford the fees at such a
fancy establishment. In fact the parents were all big people, the staff
called them the “wobblearses” because they were so fat and their arses
did wobble so much. Their kids were just as big, gastric bands were
needed, battle of the bands would be nothing to do with School of Rock,
but the size of everybody’s gut, and their need for gastric bands.
Doreen
wanted to be head of tuck, it was a cherished position, and for her to
come in and take over after just arriving at the school was a major
cause for concern amongst the rival candidates. Doreen Hunt is a ______
was written on the bathroom walls, such was the level of animosity. The
janitor who was 90 years old if a day, soon had it cleaned off, though
he did admire the rhyming couplets, he was the English teacher but
stayed on as janitor when he was over 70 because his wife had ran away
with his 401K, and he had nowhere to go so he stayed on in a cottage in
the school grounds, and acted as janitor and toilet paper replacement
person.
Being
in charge or Tuck was a position of honour, and it was all about how to
run a business and not just helping fat arses to stay fat and wobbly.
The other girls resented the newcomer with a vengeance, they said she
was not a real blonde, and her hair style was a fake too, she was just
copying some guy on tv, they had all seen him once on tv, but they never
watched tv news, that was for morons, they were Kardasian fans.
Then
the girls noticed that the stocks were going doing too fast, the boxes
in tuck store were going down too fast. There was an online database
showing how the Tuck shop was doing, it was available so that business
studies students could see profit and loss. If they looked out from
their dorms they could just watch the wobblearses that would have been
just as accurate though not as scientific.
Every
day Doreen Hunt walked to the edged of the grounds to the cottage where
the old janitor lived. She wore a large Russian hat, it was rather cold
and her dad visited Russia often so it had been a present. She had
formed a friendship with the janitor as he was always cleaning up the
vile graffiti that was left against her.
She
brought him the out of date chocolate bars, and Gerry the janitor loved
them, in fact they were keeping him alive, his funds were low and the
school didn’t really pay him, so out of date chocolate bars kept him
alive. Now this friendship went unnoticed until one girl whose dad was
in the FBI was on the roof trying out some binoculars her dad had given
her.
So
the cat was out of the bag, and now for sport and spite the school
spied on Doreen Hunt and 90 year old janitor. There was even a website
for the spies, though only 20 in the school had access to it. They
watched and sniggered at Doreen behind her back, they even said she was
his lover. They soon worked out that the Russian hat hid the chocolate
bars.
Still
the vile graffiti appeared and still the janitor removed it, with
Doreen Hunt sitting in a cubicle gently crying. Gerry would recite
Shakespeare’s sonnets as her cleaned. Doreen Hunt was soon top in
English, the best English student ever in the entire history of the
school, and the school went back to the civil war. But that was another
reason for the girls to hate her. Girls can be cruel.
More
graffiti appeared and Gerry didn’t come to remove it, the girls just
laughed. But then self interest kicked in, the toilet paper had not been
changed in the entire school. So Doreen Hunt was sent to investigate,
her Russian hat on her head. They teased her openly, we know about the
out of date chocolate bars you hide in your Russian hat. Doreen stormed
off tears falling down her face.
Doreen
called his name Gerry Gerry, watched from afar from the roof of the
school by the FBI daughter. Only Gerry did not reply, he was lying on
his back inside the cottage, he had tripped over his chocolate eating
cat Babushka . Doreen pushed the door open and screamed, her screams so
loud that the FBI daughter nearly fell off the roof. The girls came
running, the Kardasians were not on tv for a week so they were all so
very bored, but a scream was interesting.
Is
he alive? I’ve twisted my ankle came the pained reply. I tripped over
Babushka my cat. The girls all crowded in, the cottage was immaculate,
as it should be, he was a janitor after all. The walls were piled high
with toilet paper and Shakespeare and other books. He was an English
teacher too.
Doreen
has been a good friend to me, but you lot have been a load of, and he
let them have it with both barrels, and as he was both an English
teacher and a janitor, he knew how to swear and ever so eloquently. On
the floor in front of them was a man old enough to be their
grandfather, who had only survived a week on the floor with a twisted
ankle because Babushka his cat had brought him Cadburys’ chocolate bars
just as a dog would. Doreen has insisted that Cadburys was best so she
had caused a stir of resentment at the Tuck shop.
The
girls were shocked, Gerry smelt terrible as anybody would who’d been
soiling his pants for a week. Doreen looked around her, Gerry had been
her only friend at the school. The girls felt the Tsunami of guilt
descend on them. Sorry they all whispered one by one, we need to get you
to a hospital. But Gerry wouldn’t leave his cat, his saviour Babushka.
The
FBI girl knew what to do, she’d called her dad and he arrived wearing a
Russian hat, in fact a whole fleet of cars carrying parents wearing
Russian hats arrived. A nurse and a doctor also arrived wearing Russian
hats. The FBI daughter had lied and said they were holding a fancy dress
party so her dad should turn up in a Russian hat.
Gerry
was looked after, janitors are very hard to find, even 90 year old
ones. The other parents didn’t want the school to close down, where else
could they dump their horrid little daughters. If Gerry sued the bad
press would close the school forever. When Red had told the other
parents this they believed him.
Doreen
Hunt continued having English lessons from the janitor and Babushka got
fatter and fatter. As for the wobblearses, they were still wobblearses
but at least they were not horrid any more. Everybody wanted to dress
like Russians and learn to play chess and speak Russian while eating the
best chocolate in the world, Cadburys, which is from Birmingham where
the writer Michael Casey is from.
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