Saturday, 27 May 2017
May I redirect you?
Is my other site, loads of stuff to read there.
If you click on the top right box with lines through it, it will TRANSLATE for you.
and this is my Elevator Advert below, I'll write something new later on, I had a drink of cider so I have to wait for that to pass through my system before I write something new. I'm not a drinker, 12 pints a YEAR, so ...
ELEVATOR AD May 2017
For my One Million Words of laughter over 30 years of writing.
p.s.
I have readers in:- Canada, USA, UK, Ireland,
India,Pakistan,Australia,New Zealand,Russia,Poland,Czech,Germany,
Austria France,Portugal,Singapore,Nigeria and China, Taiwan, Philippines to name but a few places.
Hello, how about a Verbal Cartoon for Radio and all other media
I
grew up listening to the radio, we all used to hide under the blankets
and listen when we should have been fast asleep. Radio did change my
life, a lodger gave us a radio when he had to go back to Ireland to look
after his sick mum. In fact he left all his stuff and caught the first
boat home. Months later he came back to see us and said me and my
brother could have his old Bush radio. I spent 20 years listening to
radio. That and being afraid of Mr Gallagher when I was 8 changed my
life, and improved my intellect.
I
met my Shanghai wife in the old people's home, she was cleaning my
dad's room. I was positively vetted by a Chinese Ballerina from the
Birmingham Royal Ballet, now we are married with 2 bilingual daughters.
Even Totoro our cat is female and bilingual. I am the token male and
English speaker in the family.
Now
here's a few samples, what I'd like to do would be to read my
shorts/blogs on your radio. Each piece is about 90 seconds long, 90
seconds with Michael is the idea, simple idea. I have gained 19,208 views on Funny or Die for a sample
1st chapter
of Tears for a Butcher which will be my 8th book. Only the other day a
publisher said my book of shorts 300 and Not OUT was very funny. In fact
I must have 1000 shorts, enough for over a year. I have recorded 207 of
them so far, 11 hours plus of audio. I have nearly 300,000 views
on Google+ as well but I did not believe it, so I left Google +, and I
am not on Facebook either. Just on my sites and on Amazon Kindle, one
day people may buy some of my books.
I have started recording all my Shorts and have put 50+ of them on www.michaelgcasey.typepad.com I have a new mike now too, so listen in reverse order.
My 12 books are on Amazon Kindle
Here's the samples for radio or print.
LinkedIn Profile and CV ©
By
Michael Casey
We’ve
all been on Facebook and LinkedIn, we get to know people and make
“friends”. On LinkedIn it’s more about connections and maybe business
connections. So we have to rely on the Profile, my LinkedIn profile
tells my story, as I am a writer. But how accurate are these Profiles?
I am a born leader.
Means he was the firstborn boy in a family of 11 girls.
I created the supply chain structure.
Means he decided to use a clipboard and notepad instead of just his memory.
I optimised the sales among target audiences.
He chatted up all the girls, he was kind to seniors and went to church.
I was inventive and creative in gaining new sales.
Means he designed a flyer and went street to street delivering them.
I was never afraid of going the extra mile for the business.
Means there was a street gang chasing him after he was at the bank
I am great at communicating the business message.
He just would not shut up, so the boss got him to tidy the fruit outside the ma and pa store.
I always try and improve myself.
Means he has no friends so he reads a lot.
I created the new scheme to optimise the business cash flow.
Means he took the store’s cash and put the money on a horse.
I am now looking for new opportunities to excel
Means he got fired, cops not called as the owner married to his sister
I created a great new idea for centralising purchasing delivery.
Means he was a guard for the money delivery company, crash helmet and visor.
I created my own start-up company
Means he stole the money from the cash delivery company and started his own company.
I am now on a learning sabbatical before resuming my career
Means he is in jail, working in the library.
So
when you read those LinkedIn profiles or reading a CV or resume think
what do they really mean. Check the photos out too, the reality can be
far different. Just like actors, photos can be 10 or 20 years old, and
they are. Dig deeper.
Me,
I google and check people out, as far as you can on Google. Google
me(michaelgcasey) and my sites and think for yourself. I am on a
sabbatical myself, no I’m not in a library, thought we have plenty of
books in the house, no it’s called arthritis, which comes and goes and
makes me scream sometimes. But at least I can sit here and make some of
you laugh, as I Google everybody.
Sadly
since I wrote my advert I need to add unplanned quadruple heart bypass
to my advert, but I have written 4 more books these past few years,
taking my total to 12 on Amazon, and I have nearly reached 1,000,000
words written.
Let There Be Light ©
By Michael Casey
Let my tears be my words
Let the candle light be my eyes
Let the flowers in bloom be my lips
Let their scent be my blood
Let the wind be my breath
Let clouds be my mood
Let children’s laughter be my hope
Let widows’ sighs be my conscience
Let a stranger’s prayers be my delight
Let the bees be my wisdom
Let the trees be my strength
Let my patience reach to the stars
Let me be always remembered in your prayers
The Dead and The Living (c)
by
Michael Casey
I first saw a deceased when I was nine years old, my father said not
to worry as the dead are the same as the living, only the laughter
has left them, the sparkle has gone from their eyes, the worry has
been lifted from their shoulders, and their voice has vanished to
eternity.
In paradise the sparkle will return for it is the twinkle of the
stars, the laughter will return too for it is the morning breeze and
the turning tides are their sides shaking with laughter.
I treat the deceased with the same courtesy as I give to the living,
though I find the deceased are always more polite. My father also
had a few words to say about the living.
He said that the living are only the caretakers of the soul , yet
they think their existence is everything, that they know everything
because they experience many things with their senses.
What the living don't acknowledge is that their time is short and
when I lay their bodies to rest then their souls continue without
them, without their strong, without their weak, without their
beautiful or even ugly temporary form, to where I cannot say, only
that it is a better place.
Percy the undertaker placed the lid on the coffin, the soul was free
THE BEGINNING
Sleepover©
By
Michael Casey
Sleepover
is exactly that, your sleep is over, you have laughing kids invading
your house, and driving you out of your minds. Well not always, but it
is very distracting. You can’t remember what you were doing and where
has that file gone on the computer. This is the 2nd time I’m telling
this story, why, because my Word, or upon my word, the story died or
rather Word did not close properly, so now you’re getting something
different.
Total
strangers, or strangers to you arrive at the house and kind of invade
it for a night. You do shout up the stairs, keep them out of my room.
Not because you have anything worth stealing, but they are stealing your
privacy, and that’s all you have left if you have daughters in your
house.
Then
the smell of nail varnish drifts down the stairs and permeates
everywhere, its worse than mustard gas from the Great War. You scream up
the stairs, open all the windows fully, what about your room, dad?
Especially mine.
Its
then that your inner sanctum is breached as they bring their friends to
help them open the window. They see the Teddy Bear that you’ve had
since you were 6 years old, the invader laughs. She also sees the deep
heat by your bed, And he complains about nail varnish.
Dinner
time arrives and you have to feed the cuckoo, only she doesn’t eat this
or she doesn’t eat that, on principle. So you say, you’ll have to stave
then. Your daughter, the host, is horrified, so you relent and flick a
pound coin at them, cholesterol free oil used to make the chips. So a
compromise is achieved.
You
put Sky Sports on to watch the match, they say Qatar is going to build
underground stadia, novel idea. You are settling down to see Rooney when
they arrive back chip laden. Her friend just loves the ballet and Sky
Arts has Bolshoi on, so could they please please watch that. You say
you’ll record it for them. But you are as bad as a puppy murderer even
for suggesting it.
So
being a nice dad you let them watch the ballet on your 46inch tv, while
you retreat to watch the match on the laptop upstairs. They never tell
you about this at parenting classes, just how to change nappies. Let’s
hope William and Kate are told.
After
the ballet they retreat upstairs for girlie music, and what were you
doing in their room on the laptop. Didn’t you know you are just a dad
not allowed in the inner sanctum. The Hits is switched on their dab
radio at volume 13, you retreat to watch the after match talk on the big
screen.
Later
its bath time, so you have to wait 2 hours for all the girls in your
house, including the cuckoo, to pollute the bathroom before you a mere
dad, and bill payer, can have a shave. Only your last razor has been
used to save somebody’s legs.
So
everybody goes to bed, all is well, holding your teddy bear, you sleep
soundly. Until 3am, when a banshee screaming wakes you, your wife and
all the neighbours. It’s the cuckoo, she’s having a nightmare, it must
be the chips, and the cholesterol free oil from them. Or half waking up
and forgetting where she was.
So
remembering to put on your dressing gown you have to calm everybody
down, and answer the door, to the police, as the neighbour from
neighbourhood watch has rung them. So the police come in and have a
look. Flatulence is written down in the Police note book. As you let the
police out the house again your smallest daughter hands you your teddy
bear, its ok dad, it’s only a sleepover.
How do Men Shop? ©
By Michael Casey
There
is a difference between Men and Women, and thank God for it. But how do
men shop? Shopping for men is about getting what you need, my shoes
have a hole in them so I’ll go to the shop and buy another pair. A man
will buy a new pair of shoes that are exactly the same as his old pair
of shoes, or if he’s being adventurous he’ll have a pair of shoes which
are exactly the same but with grey laces and not black. Now to a man
this is being fashion conscious. If a man wants a new pair of trousers
he just goes to the shop and sees if they have his leg/waist size and
then tries them on, making sure they don’t split when he bends over and
that his package is not squeezed. If a man needs a suit he checks the
trousers before putting on the jacket, the jacket must be able to be
done up without his belly exploding the buttons off. A man will never
button up his suit jacket, but he needs to know that the buttons won’t
fly off and hit anybody in the eye, if ever he does.
If
a man needs a shirt he checks the neck size, 18.5 in my case, and then
he sees if its full fit or not. Then he buys 5 shirts exactly the same
all in plastic . For a lazy shopper he’ll go straight to Slaters and
get what he wants. In and out in 30 mins for everything. Then he’ll go
to the pub and meet his mates and have one pint too many and leave all
his shopping in the Queens Tavern. Luckily they are honest there and his
shopping is saved, otherwise he’s have to waste 30mins in Slaters,
before going back to the pub.
This
is basically the difference between men and women. Woman shop, men pick
up clothes or whatever like an order picker does, without any passion.
A man gets home and puts his shopping away and forgets about it. Just
like in the film The Fly where the man’s wardrobe contains suits all the
same colour, clothes are just a thing so they are all uniform.
As
for women shopping s something different, the clothes have to be tried
on and they must make the woman look perfect, her bum or boobs mustn’t
be to big or too small, everything should be right. To help the woman
chose her clothes she brings two or three mates or her children with
her. Her man is forced to come too, but he plugs Radio5 Live into his
ear and listens to the football while she is choosing. Men know 5
colours, red, blue, red, green, yellow or maybe one or two more; as for a
woman there are at least 50 colours, and just as the eskimos have 30
words for snow a woman has 10 words for each colour and its hews.
This
brave man, or am I stupid, I just give my wife the debit card and say
leave me in peace, so she goes off with a smile with the girls with her,
they are young Fashionistas after all. I decided years ago what a wife
needed was space to shop and not constant looks at my watch. So that’s
what she does and her bulging wardrobe will testify to the wisdom of my
decision. When a woman comes home its 2 hours of mix and match to make
sure that the new clothes match the old clothes, the husband tries to
watch the big match on tv but his wife is prancing around the living
room asking “does my bum show” and various other questions. It’s a
penalty, and you sit on the edge of your seat, the wife appears and
blocks your view, so you miss seeing why your side was relegated.
Normal life in homes up and down the country.
The
next day you watch the match again in peace, you remembered to record
it on Sky+ and as for the wife she’s gone back to the shop to return ½
of what she bought because it doesn’t match her shoes. And it’s your
fault because you wouldn’t give her your debit card again so she could
buy cheap £100 shoes.
All Things Bright and Beautiful ©
By Michael Casey
I
haven’t written a non-pain piece in a while, so I’ll try and forget the
pain and write something new. We’ve just had the half time holidays and
my girls have been playing “shop-girls” as they call it. They even have
a sign on their bedroom door saying “open” or “closed”. They steal my
wife’s clothes and prance about upstairs. Our eldest daughter has bigger
feet than my wife now so that’s a relief as she cannot steal my wife’s
shoes any more, but it does not prevent her younger sister from wearing
mum’s shoes. There is also the matter of the beret with silver sequins,
that’s an absolute Fashion Must.
Me,
I’m not fashionable at all, three girls in the house is enough, if I
gave in to them they’d be beading my eye brows, I do wear pink on
occasions, so that’s as far as I go. If I were maybe 3 stones lighter
I’d try other things, I did see a nice cord jacket in Cotton Traders
48R, it was bright blue, Kingfisher Blue, my girls called it a “Clown
Jacket”. With encouragement like that what am I supposed to do? I did
say if I win Euro millions I WILL buy the jacket. My wife has a nice
light brown one, although as she is a woman there will be a more
accurate colour name, men don’t do colours. If you think of it its black
and white, blue, green, orange as far as men go, but women at least
another 40 names for colours. As far as my hair goes, its silver, though
a friend used to say I was an old man with white hair. As the colour of
our hair change it’s the 7 ages of man.
I
remember Ali saying why wasn’t it “Whitemail” instead of blackmail. We
are in the Pink if we have good health, I long to be back in the pink
myself. We say we hope be back in the black not in the red when we do
company accounts, we look for the silver linings. We look look look for
the rainbow as the song goes, we may find the crock of gold, all our
troubles may be over and we can pack them up in the old kit bag. Hope
springs up within us, it is now Spring after all, and as Chance the
Gardener said “in the Spring there will be growth.”
Cheese and Chorizo ©
By Michael Casey
The
thing about girls is that they steal your stuff, you think they are
nice and sweet smelling, but they are not. If they get up before you
they’ll raid your side of the fridge and eat your cheese and chorizo.
Cheese and chorizo on toast, with hot chocolate to follow, this is how
your daughters treat you. This is how my girls treat me.
Yesterday
mum bought biscuits, and did she share them? NO. The girls got some but
I got none. They were the ones I really like, its always the ones you
really like. I looked high and low, just like an Ah Ha song, but
nothing. JJ the wife just laughed at me as I went from pillar to post
looking for a biscuit, the Tunnock ones. See this is how the 3 girls in
my life treat me, I am biscuitless. Finally after much derision my small
daughter showed me where the biscuits were, a new hiding place, that’s
why I could not find them. So I was victorious, I sneaked a biscuit
into my pocket and slipped away to eat it in peace.
Shoes
are a big thing, so our small daughter walks around the house in mum’s
shoes, mine are too big so thankfully they are left alone. However
having two daughters who like Textiles, which is the fancy word from
school for sewing and making things. If they like textiles then your
clothes are not safe, they drag a shirt or two out of the wardrobe and
say they want to turn it into something. Jumpers are not safe either,
they can cut them down to make a dress or even a handbag. And as for
needles, it’s like having a porcupine in the family, DANGER. You only
realise that after you have sat on a needle or two, the wife just says
its free acupuncture, no need to asked Dr Hu to pay us a visit, and yes
he really is Dr Hu, not Dr Who, but Dr Hu.
Now
that our 11year old is 5feet tall, as big as mum, she wants to wear her
clothes, but you can imagine what kind of clothes a Shanghai girl
wears. So there is debate in Chinese, I cannot understand a word, but
SANINGONGA is heard quite often which means no. Which also means my
girls, our girls will return to steal from my wardrobe again. In a way
it’s like having moths, but instead of holes in your clothes, entire
items just disappear. BUT it’s not just the girls, its mum too, she’ll
decide that the Fashion Police would not like this item or that item, so
it disappears. When do I find out? Never, or nearly never, until I
walk past a charity shop and see a tent sized item in the window, it’s
my clothes.
So
if you want to keep the clothes on your back, don’t have daughters. If
you want your favourite food safe in your side of the fridge, the none
Chinese side of the fridge, then don’t have daughters. If you want to
save your pennies, don’t have a Shanghai wife. But then life would be
boring, just make sure you look before you sit.
From A to B from Sat Nav to Blocked Sink ©
By Michael Casey
Well
I hope you are all fine this morning. For us the Sat Nav debate
continues. In the old days a Black Taxi would not be seen using an AtoZ,
it was beneath his dignity. He'd done the Knowledge and it was all up
there in his head. Jack Rozenthal wrote a great play about it, was it
30years ago? Maureen Lipman was his real wife.
Delivery
drivers have and egg and bacon butty in one hand dripping egg on to the
AtoZ in their other hand while they try and deliver a chest of drawers,
with 5 days growth of beard for good measure.
Bus
drivers know their route, so once they've done it a while its
automatic, they know what they are doing. All they have to do is put up
with kids trying to use a 3 day old ticket, and not get too high from
all the cannabis on the bus. Or remember when they have switched routes
because that can lead to strange directions.
Door
to door salesmen all those years ago, with the rap at tat tat on the
back door had their route carrying the suitcase with samples in. I can
vaguely remember one at our back door did my mum buy a clothes brush?
But that must be 45 years ago.
So
basically we all know what we want and where we are going. Going
further back they say people only knew a six block radius around their
home. Going to War changed all that as did radio and then more
importantly tv. Tv being our eyes on the world, previous to that only
Merchant Seaman knew of the world. My own granddad was a merchant sea
man, I sometimes wonder did he ever get to Shanghai
Or was it me, his grandson who got there first. Had he visited at the turn of the 19th/20th Century 100years and more ago.
Which
brings us back to Sat Nav. Me I use a bus which is fine apart from the
pot heads who sit next to you on the bus and all I want to do is puke.
My wife is a car driver, so she and our girls love the car. But my wife
has borrowed a Sat Nav and likes the ease of it so now she wants one of
her own. The result is that I’m being nagged to provide one. You pay, me
pay, yes you pay, why me pay, because you are the husband so you pay,
no way me pay, you pay you pay yourself, I say. And on the ding dong,
sing song goes. Which is the fun part. Me I no pay, use computer I say.
You can get perfect directions off the computer all you then have to do
is print them off, if our printer was still working we’d be doing that.
So really all the wife has to do is copy them down, in English.
She’s
busy with the wok as I talk to you, she’s compromised now, she only
wants me to pay half. So I say I’ll be doubly generous and double the
share I won’t pay, I’ll pay zero and she can pay 100%. That’s the true
spirit of negotiation, now I have another thing to resolve, she’s
blocked the sink, so pardon me now as I take the plunge, or rather take
the plunger to the sink, no need to use a Sat Nav to get there, its over
my shoulder in the next room, just turn left at the tv and go straight
on to the sound of bubbles. Love is everywhere don’t you know it, just
find it, no Sat Nav required.
My other idea is a book of shorts, 40 stories with 40 translations
on facing page plus 40 audio of me reading my stories on usb stick.
Perfect to teach English as a 2nd language, via humour.
I was an Esol English teacher and gained
2 Excellents and an Exemplary on my external Assessment
As I have written 890+ stories this would be a series of 20 plus books
So we could have Mandarin/Japanese/Urdu/Spanish/Hindi/Russian etc
This would be a world wide hit, angel investors needed
Thanks
for reading this, that’s if Junk did not get it. I have come close and
not got a cigar many times in my life, so I decided to try you. Radio is
the medium for my words, 90 seconds with Michael, could go nationwide,
it’s a simple idea, with great words, mine if I can be boastful. I have
already recorded 200 of my 890+ shorts, 11 hours plus of audio so far
recorded.
some can be heard at www.michaelgcasey.typepad.com
Cheerio, Michael Casey
to hear 50+ stories
12 ebooks and 3 Printed on Paper Books
p.s.
I have readers in:- Canada,USA,UK,
Ireland,Australia,Russia,Poland,Czech,Germany,
France,Portugal,Singapore,Nigeria and China, Taiwan to name but a few places.
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